(no subject)
i can't sleep. not sure if it is due to too much thinking or to the extremely long nap i took this evening. i'm betting on the nap. but still, i had a talk with my roommate today about all the "defective" relationships i've had in my life. the most normal one being the one i'm in now, and it isn't even a relationship per say. it isn't going anywhere, it can't. but i'm currently satisfied with it even though i'm selling myself short. i don't particularly want to end it, but i don't see how i can move on without ending it. but i'm happy right now, i suppose that should count for something. or maybe not, because i'm settling.
aside from that i really want to start having a life again. now that i'm only working one job i seem to stay at home more than i did when i had two that kept me running around all the time. but i still managed to make it out for a drink with friends, or a movie or something. i'm pretty bored with my life right now, maybe if a find a second job again i'll start going out again. thats a really pathetic thought.
speaking of pathetic, my family situation is pretty sad and is weighing pretty heavily on me right now. i've been ignoring phone calls from my father for the past 3 weeks or so. not because i don't want to talk to him, more because i don't feel like i can. i'm not doing anything important with my life and i feel like i'm constantly letting him down. i haven't spoken to my mother since march, and even then it was forced because i was in a car accident and my dad made me call her. my sister and i have no relationship anymore because of her backstabbing antics. i'm past wanting one. it's just unfortunate because she's expecting a child and i won't ever get to be a part of its life. (please God, let it be my brother in laws and not my ex boyfriend the stalker)
...so my computer crashed while i was typing this last night, and although it's way past the fact, i figured i would post it anyways since it saved itself.
and on an up note, partying hard tonight, should be fun.
aside from that i really want to start having a life again. now that i'm only working one job i seem to stay at home more than i did when i had two that kept me running around all the time. but i still managed to make it out for a drink with friends, or a movie or something. i'm pretty bored with my life right now, maybe if a find a second job again i'll start going out again. thats a really pathetic thought.
speaking of pathetic, my family situation is pretty sad and is weighing pretty heavily on me right now. i've been ignoring phone calls from my father for the past 3 weeks or so. not because i don't want to talk to him, more because i don't feel like i can. i'm not doing anything important with my life and i feel like i'm constantly letting him down. i haven't spoken to my mother since march, and even then it was forced because i was in a car accident and my dad made me call her. my sister and i have no relationship anymore because of her backstabbing antics. i'm past wanting one. it's just unfortunate because she's expecting a child and i won't ever get to be a part of its life. (please God, let it be my brother in laws and not my ex boyfriend the stalker)
...so my computer crashed while i was typing this last night, and although it's way past the fact, i figured i would post it anyways since it saved itself.
and on an up note, partying hard tonight, should be fun.