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"I was just.. um..."
She smiled broadly at him, waiting for his response. She was actually having a great time tonight, despite the fact that this whole 'Casino Night' was something Michael cooked up.
When he didn't say anything else, her face fell slightly. Was something wrong? When she stopped fidgeting and swaying around, she caught his gaze and what she saw there gave her pause. And, that was when the bomb dropped.
"I'm in love with you," he said.
"What?" She shook her head, her hands falling still and dropping low around her stomach. He was just joking, right? Sure, they flirted and joked around a lot. But.. that's all this was in the end. Joking around. Wasn't it?
"I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to.. hear it." His eyes dropped down to his shoes, taking in how shiny and new they looked now that they were outside. You can't see scuff marks and imperfections in the dark.
She simply stared at him, her eyes almost not even seeing him. But, in reality, she felt like she was drinking him in. It wasn't as if she was seeing him in some new bright light. It was more like she was finally acknowledging something that had been there all along, just simmering beneath the surface.
"Probably not good timing, I know that. I just-"
"What are you doing?" she asked. Why are you doing this to me, Jim? was what she was thinking, though. She had everything worked out. Everything planned. Didn't she? She was going to get married soon. She and Roy would eventually move out of their dingy little apartment and get a real house. Someplace she could hang her drawings on the walls and... and...
Her train of thought was immediately broken by the look he gave her. It didn't say 'I'm sorry', but 'Do you even need to ask? You know what I'm doing'. How one look could say so much, Pam wasn't really sure, but that's definitely what it was saying.
"What do you expect me to say to that?" she demanded, her voice even, almost monotone. She didn't want to be so harsh, but.. was he expecting her to just give up everything she'd worked so hard these past few years to get? She'd been with Roy for so long and now he was just going to ... How could he do this?
He glanced down between them again, but her eyes never left his face. She needed an answer. Some part of her was just.. dying to cross the two steps between him, cradle his face in her hands and kiss away the tears that were pooling up like glittering stars in his eyes.
"I just needed you to know." His words were slurred now and, for a moment, she thought he was drunk. Deep down, she knew he was anything but drunk, but that didn't keep her brain from latching on to that tiny possibility. "Once," he added, that tiny half-smile creeping up onto his face as he said it. Only, this time, it was just.. so sad and hopeless.
Finally, she looked away from him, staring somewhere off to the right of him.
"Well, I um." She licked her lips. They suddenly felt paper-dry. She tore her gaze away from the asphalt and looked up at him again. "I.. I can't?" Was that a question? God, I really can't do this. I'm supposed to marry Roy. We've been together since high school and it's just.. it how it's supposed to be, isn't it?
She couldn't figure out why her chest was suddenly tight and she couldn't breathe. And, now her voice was wavering and he wasn't looking at her anymore.
"Yeah.." He was scuffing his shoes against the ground, hands in his pocket, as if he was getting ready to walk away.
"You have no idea-" she started, even though she wasn't exactly sure what she was going to say.
"Don't do that," he cut in, shaking his head as if he already knew what was coming, even though she did not.
"What your friendship means to me," she blundered on, despite feeling like, suddenly, every carefully-fitted and perfectly-constructed part of her life was falling apart like a beautiful house of cards. All the while, he was still shaking his head and.. Is he rolling his eyes at me??
"C'mon." There was that look again. "I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that," he told her. She felt like he was telling her things she already knew. In some part of her brain, she knew all of these things and more. She didn't know how, she didn't know why, but she did.
"I can't," she repeated, more firmly this time.
He swallowed, looking past her towards the building. He swallowed again, as if trying to get something unstuck from his throat. Please don't cry, please don't cry, please don't cry..
"I'm really sorry.." She paused, realizing that this was the time for chosing her words very carefully. "If you misinterpreted things."
He nodded, almost imperceptibly, and he looked... God, he looked like someone had just kicked his puppy. Only a million times worse. He looked resigned.
"It's probably my fault," she added, in the pathetic hope that maybe... things would be okay. That if she admitted to maybe giving off mixed signals somehow, he'd just brush it off, they'd could go back inside and sit down with a drink to just watch everyone and laugh and joke. So that maybe he wouldn't cry and make her feel like the biggest jerk in the world.
He shook his head emphatically. "Not your fault," he told her softly, a strange half-smile on his face. Again, not the one she knew and had, maybe, always thought was cute. Nope, this wasn't the Jim she knew.
He really was walking away this time. "I'm sorry I uhh.." He reached up to wipe at his face, brushing away the one tear that had threatened to trickle over his cheekbone. "Our friendship," he finished, his tone bitingly sarcastic as he stepped around her.
She just stood there as he walked away from her, twisting her engagement ring awkwardly around her finger and listening to the fading scuffle of his footsteps. She dropped her head down, staring, almost angrily, at her ring and when she blinked, her eyelashes felt damp against her skin.
What was she supposed to do? How had that gone... so terribly and obviously wrong? She'd done the right thing, hadn't she? She was engaged to Roy and.. she was going to marry him. Sure, things between them weren't perfect, but what couple ever was perfect and happy all the time? But, why was she still feeling so horrible about this?
She had to call her mom. She didn't run, because who runs in heels, but she made pretty good time when she went up to the dark and empty office. She pulled open the door and stepped inside.
But, instead of hitting carpet, she hit... sand?? And, it wasn't dark, either, but sunny. And very bright.
"....Jim?"
Posted here for posterity
She smiled broadly at him, waiting for his response. She was actually having a great time tonight, despite the fact that this whole 'Casino Night' was something Michael cooked up.
When he didn't say anything else, her face fell slightly. Was something wrong? When she stopped fidgeting and swaying around, she caught his gaze and what she saw there gave her pause. And, that was when the bomb dropped.
"I'm in love with you," he said.
"What?" She shook her head, her hands falling still and dropping low around her stomach. He was just joking, right? Sure, they flirted and joked around a lot. But.. that's all this was in the end. Joking around. Wasn't it?
"I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to.. hear it." His eyes dropped down to his shoes, taking in how shiny and new they looked now that they were outside. You can't see scuff marks and imperfections in the dark.
She simply stared at him, her eyes almost not even seeing him. But, in reality, she felt like she was drinking him in. It wasn't as if she was seeing him in some new bright light. It was more like she was finally acknowledging something that had been there all along, just simmering beneath the surface.
"Probably not good timing, I know that. I just-"
"What are you doing?" she asked. Why are you doing this to me, Jim? was what she was thinking, though. She had everything worked out. Everything planned. Didn't she? She was going to get married soon. She and Roy would eventually move out of their dingy little apartment and get a real house. Someplace she could hang her drawings on the walls and... and...
Her train of thought was immediately broken by the look he gave her. It didn't say 'I'm sorry', but 'Do you even need to ask? You know what I'm doing'. How one look could say so much, Pam wasn't really sure, but that's definitely what it was saying.
"What do you expect me to say to that?" she demanded, her voice even, almost monotone. She didn't want to be so harsh, but.. was he expecting her to just give up everything she'd worked so hard these past few years to get? She'd been with Roy for so long and now he was just going to ... How could he do this?
He glanced down between them again, but her eyes never left his face. She needed an answer. Some part of her was just.. dying to cross the two steps between him, cradle his face in her hands and kiss away the tears that were pooling up like glittering stars in his eyes.
"I just needed you to know." His words were slurred now and, for a moment, she thought he was drunk. Deep down, she knew he was anything but drunk, but that didn't keep her brain from latching on to that tiny possibility. "Once," he added, that tiny half-smile creeping up onto his face as he said it. Only, this time, it was just.. so sad and hopeless.
Finally, she looked away from him, staring somewhere off to the right of him.
"Well, I um." She licked her lips. They suddenly felt paper-dry. She tore her gaze away from the asphalt and looked up at him again. "I.. I can't?" Was that a question? God, I really can't do this. I'm supposed to marry Roy. We've been together since high school and it's just.. it how it's supposed to be, isn't it?
She couldn't figure out why her chest was suddenly tight and she couldn't breathe. And, now her voice was wavering and he wasn't looking at her anymore.
"Yeah.." He was scuffing his shoes against the ground, hands in his pocket, as if he was getting ready to walk away.
"You have no idea-" she started, even though she wasn't exactly sure what she was going to say.
"Don't do that," he cut in, shaking his head as if he already knew what was coming, even though she did not.
"What your friendship means to me," she blundered on, despite feeling like, suddenly, every carefully-fitted and perfectly-constructed part of her life was falling apart like a beautiful house of cards. All the while, he was still shaking his head and.. Is he rolling his eyes at me??
"C'mon." There was that look again. "I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that," he told her. She felt like he was telling her things she already knew. In some part of her brain, she knew all of these things and more. She didn't know how, she didn't know why, but she did.
"I can't," she repeated, more firmly this time.
He swallowed, looking past her towards the building. He swallowed again, as if trying to get something unstuck from his throat. Please don't cry, please don't cry, please don't cry..
"I'm really sorry.." She paused, realizing that this was the time for chosing her words very carefully. "If you misinterpreted things."
He nodded, almost imperceptibly, and he looked... God, he looked like someone had just kicked his puppy. Only a million times worse. He looked resigned.
"It's probably my fault," she added, in the pathetic hope that maybe... things would be okay. That if she admitted to maybe giving off mixed signals somehow, he'd just brush it off, they'd could go back inside and sit down with a drink to just watch everyone and laugh and joke. So that maybe he wouldn't cry and make her feel like the biggest jerk in the world.
He shook his head emphatically. "Not your fault," he told her softly, a strange half-smile on his face. Again, not the one she knew and had, maybe, always thought was cute. Nope, this wasn't the Jim she knew.
He really was walking away this time. "I'm sorry I uhh.." He reached up to wipe at his face, brushing away the one tear that had threatened to trickle over his cheekbone. "Our friendship," he finished, his tone bitingly sarcastic as he stepped around her.
She just stood there as he walked away from her, twisting her engagement ring awkwardly around her finger and listening to the fading scuffle of his footsteps. She dropped her head down, staring, almost angrily, at her ring and when she blinked, her eyelashes felt damp against her skin.
What was she supposed to do? How had that gone... so terribly and obviously wrong? She'd done the right thing, hadn't she? She was engaged to Roy and.. she was going to marry him. Sure, things between them weren't perfect, but what couple ever was perfect and happy all the time? But, why was she still feeling so horrible about this?
She had to call her mom. She didn't run, because who runs in heels, but she made pretty good time when she went up to the dark and empty office. She pulled open the door and stepped inside.
But, instead of hitting carpet, she hit... sand?? And, it wasn't dark, either, but sunny. And very bright.
"....Jim?"
Posted here for posterity