fnishd-up aeons in the past
so the story goes
hyperspace
bambis apartmnt was good to us all really
i guess it was some kind of escape even if what she called bambi camp was full of arcane tortures and lists of things we must mustdo
like she'd decide who wore the hot blood pink furry slippers
who had to wear earmuffs
that i had to stack her dishwasher
that i lookedDISGUSTING absolutely MALNUTRITIONED and was
forcefed cup-of-soup
froot loops
she was really mean and fussy about it all
but it was so high up and i guess the commandments were just the contrarious side of being hidden away in that little box
kindof wonderland logic, absurdness i guess, looking back on it with futureyes
"MALICE IN WONDERLAND"
well anyway she said the meanest things ive ever heard a person say to anybody in my life
at the same time, i must have stil felt safeness..
kitten in my shirt
patiently fading
i eventually tried to kill myself there
she made me feel like a bitch about it
id apologised over and over to her in my suicidenote
which she told me didnt even make sense and she let the surgeons have it
that girl and i really must have hated each other somuch on a very odd level
to the same extent we hated our selves maybe
considering that we never expressed our hatred out loud
to ourselves or others
considering we needed each other more badly than even we, the neediest of beings knew
i still cringe imagining such a private and fraught .doc circulating in the hands of sterile consciousnesses
i rmembr almost evrything i said though.and it was full of love and lucidity
and even mischief.
my best friend told me on the telefone two days ago
how am i supposed to do this gig properly knowing that ur dressed like a little devil to goto work!
or something like that. he says in all seriousness
that trying to kill myself wearing kittenears is hot!
perhaps i was naive to imagine that 100 xanax wld kill me
2mg
apparently when she realised what i'd done she screamed obscenities at me
WHY DIDNT U DO A PROPER JOB AND DRINK MY FUCKING VODKA AND GRAND MARNIER!!!
a bit after that i thought to myself about the axiom
"home is where u hang yourself".
it didnt mean much to me bcause i certainly didnt consider her home after all that.
maybe its hard to imagine "home" as a place where two diametrical girls do nothing but get wasted
and indulge while simultaneously denying our heartsickness
the only thing we found to do that delivered us some music and light (the lite version)
was compulsive photosets. one day we were both so unnervingly still and cold and scared for our safety that we could barely speak
we spent hours saying- ok- normal ppl DO stuff. like picnics or something. or jogging.
where are all the normal ppl? where do we find them?
we needed them to tell us what to do.mindless, everyday activities to take a bit of the focus off the pain.
we could think of nothing more than speed. eventually(and i mean like
after a full 10hrs eventually) she said thats IT im smoking my first cigarette!
if only pepi could see me now! look at what hes done to me!
and i said actually i have my camera.
so we decided to take tragic breakup fotos to email him. so he could see the mess he had made!
fifteen shots into it and we were laughing somuch again.
high on speed and dumb on champagne still just the same
but we probably hadnt laughed in months.
that day we vowed
just take photos
if thats all we did we all our free time, ever, for as long as we lived, just do photo shoots
it was the only thing that helped.and who cared if all we had to show for it was 100s & 1000s of computer images?
the shoot,while starting out tragic and getting even more elaborately so, inevitably became softcore porn.
it fixed our day and started fixing our lives actually and i guess thats kind of the whole tale anyway when it comes to this strange hybrid of creature who winds up finding the $ to eat when they hate themselves by losing their little souls in dressup boxes just to peel back the layers and pvc and lace again for creepie men. except that more often than not they dont want to eat so they use grocery money to buy more layers. and somehow this way wind up finding their little souls again.
hyperspace
bambis apartmnt was good to us all really
i guess it was some kind of escape even if what she called bambi camp was full of arcane tortures and lists of things we must mustdo
like she'd decide who wore the hot blood pink furry slippers
who had to wear earmuffs
that i had to stack her dishwasher
that i lookedDISGUSTING absolutely MALNUTRITIONED and was
forcefed cup-of-soup
froot loops
she was really mean and fussy about it all
but it was so high up and i guess the commandments were just the contrarious side of being hidden away in that little box
kindof wonderland logic, absurdness i guess, looking back on it with futureyes
"MALICE IN WONDERLAND"
well anyway she said the meanest things ive ever heard a person say to anybody in my life
at the same time, i must have stil felt safeness..
kitten in my shirt
patiently fading
i eventually tried to kill myself there
she made me feel like a bitch about it
id apologised over and over to her in my suicidenote
which she told me didnt even make sense and she let the surgeons have it
that girl and i really must have hated each other somuch on a very odd level
to the same extent we hated our selves maybe
considering that we never expressed our hatred out loud
to ourselves or others
considering we needed each other more badly than even we, the neediest of beings knew
i still cringe imagining such a private and fraught .doc circulating in the hands of sterile consciousnesses
i rmembr almost evrything i said though.and it was full of love and lucidity
and even mischief.
my best friend told me on the telefone two days ago
how am i supposed to do this gig properly knowing that ur dressed like a little devil to goto work!
or something like that. he says in all seriousness
that trying to kill myself wearing kittenears is hot!
perhaps i was naive to imagine that 100 xanax wld kill me
2mg
apparently when she realised what i'd done she screamed obscenities at me
WHY DIDNT U DO A PROPER JOB AND DRINK MY FUCKING VODKA AND GRAND MARNIER!!!
a bit after that i thought to myself about the axiom
"home is where u hang yourself".
it didnt mean much to me bcause i certainly didnt consider her home after all that.
maybe its hard to imagine "home" as a place where two diametrical girls do nothing but get wasted
and indulge while simultaneously denying our heartsickness
the only thing we found to do that delivered us some music and light (the lite version)
was compulsive photosets. one day we were both so unnervingly still and cold and scared for our safety that we could barely speak
we spent hours saying- ok- normal ppl DO stuff. like picnics or something. or jogging.
where are all the normal ppl? where do we find them?
we needed them to tell us what to do.mindless, everyday activities to take a bit of the focus off the pain.
we could think of nothing more than speed. eventually(and i mean like
after a full 10hrs eventually) she said thats IT im smoking my first cigarette!
if only pepi could see me now! look at what hes done to me!
and i said actually i have my camera.
so we decided to take tragic breakup fotos to email him. so he could see the mess he had made!
fifteen shots into it and we were laughing somuch again.
high on speed and dumb on champagne still just the same
but we probably hadnt laughed in months.
that day we vowed
just take photos
if thats all we did we all our free time, ever, for as long as we lived, just do photo shoots
it was the only thing that helped.and who cared if all we had to show for it was 100s & 1000s of computer images?
the shoot,while starting out tragic and getting even more elaborately so, inevitably became softcore porn.
it fixed our day and started fixing our lives actually and i guess thats kind of the whole tale anyway when it comes to this strange hybrid of creature who winds up finding the $ to eat when they hate themselves by losing their little souls in dressup boxes just to peel back the layers and pvc and lace again for creepie men. except that more often than not they dont want to eat so they use grocery money to buy more layers. and somehow this way wind up finding their little souls again.