(no subject)
so if i get between a fifty and a hundred on my math exam, i'll get a d for the year. that's actually pretty comforting, because i'm sure i can get between a fifty and a hundred, so now the pressure isn't as much and i can focus a little more on bio, although i'm at a b+ for the year in that class and the final won't impact it much.
i really hate exams. i'm just done with school, now. i want to start my summer homework and read things that have nothing to do with school, to stop feeling guilty about my grades. i have such a concentration issue and having internet on the upstairs computer doesnt help... but i'm really fucking tired of math right now so i gave myself a break that's turned into like an hour of doing nothing at all...
i don't know. i've stopped caring, and it's weird because even two months ago the thought of getting a D for a final grade would probably have sent me into anaphylactic shock... but it's really, really not important to me. i'm probably going to end up at a college that won't care about one D, anyway, and it's not like i had any hope of getting into SHS anyway with that B+ in spanish third quarter.
whatever. grades don't measure shit.
i wonder why i'm always so up and down. last night, megan stopped by to help me tell my mom about nate (yeah, i know that's been awhile). my mom was cool with it probably only because megan was there... i think she loves megan more, sometimes. then megan and i went to pablo's house to reclaim my sweatshirt... he couldnt actually find it, but matt kolb was there and we listened to what you and the world had recorded and it was truly amazing. it makes me so happy that talent like that exists among people our age, you know? i had an episode there but it was fine because i just kind of waited and wrote it out. i felt bad because pablo was being such a considerate host and i sat curled into a ball underneath his desk with my notebook... he was fine with it, though, i think artsy stuff makes him happy... he loves megan a lot, so.
um. yeah, episodes. i dont remember when it started but occasionally i have this overwhelming desire to take up as little space as possible and it's similar to what i'd think a panic attack feels like... it happens at the randomest times and i can't find a word for it. it's so uncomfortable and there's nothing i can do except wait it out... i dunno, it's not ridiculously horrible physically - it occasionally impairs my breathing and always makes me dizzy - but it still really really sucks. and it's become more and more frequent and it has happened every day this week and twice today which is just ridiculous and unprecedented.
so. up and down. lisa and i had a fight last night because i wasn't totally honest with her... i told her i was completely fine about her talking to me concerning her newfound "christian spirituality." it makes me uncomfortable, a little, yeah, but i didn't really want to discourage her from talking to me. but last night i told her it made me uncomfortable and got a little bit snarky because she was contradicting herself with two different claims concerning God's plan for her and i just want her to be safe and not worry so i pointed it out... argh. she's my best friend in the whole world.
tomorrow we're going to visit mizem after the exam? i miss her. i havent spoken to her since way before anything goes, although we called her on her birthday... mmm. anyway.
la sra. gagnon is giving me a college recommendation. i want to ask ms. perreault for one, also, but it won't be as good as sra. gagnon's... la sra. loves me more, i think.
mmm.
so i think i'm done. i don't know why i bother with this thing... i don't really know how many of you continue to read it but i felt the need to see my life typed out neatly, which is a huge improvement over the jumble it seems to be when the words are inside my head.
i really hate exams. i'm just done with school, now. i want to start my summer homework and read things that have nothing to do with school, to stop feeling guilty about my grades. i have such a concentration issue and having internet on the upstairs computer doesnt help... but i'm really fucking tired of math right now so i gave myself a break that's turned into like an hour of doing nothing at all...
i don't know. i've stopped caring, and it's weird because even two months ago the thought of getting a D for a final grade would probably have sent me into anaphylactic shock... but it's really, really not important to me. i'm probably going to end up at a college that won't care about one D, anyway, and it's not like i had any hope of getting into SHS anyway with that B+ in spanish third quarter.
whatever. grades don't measure shit.
i wonder why i'm always so up and down. last night, megan stopped by to help me tell my mom about nate (yeah, i know that's been awhile). my mom was cool with it probably only because megan was there... i think she loves megan more, sometimes. then megan and i went to pablo's house to reclaim my sweatshirt... he couldnt actually find it, but matt kolb was there and we listened to what you and the world had recorded and it was truly amazing. it makes me so happy that talent like that exists among people our age, you know? i had an episode there but it was fine because i just kind of waited and wrote it out. i felt bad because pablo was being such a considerate host and i sat curled into a ball underneath his desk with my notebook... he was fine with it, though, i think artsy stuff makes him happy... he loves megan a lot, so.
um. yeah, episodes. i dont remember when it started but occasionally i have this overwhelming desire to take up as little space as possible and it's similar to what i'd think a panic attack feels like... it happens at the randomest times and i can't find a word for it. it's so uncomfortable and there's nothing i can do except wait it out... i dunno, it's not ridiculously horrible physically - it occasionally impairs my breathing and always makes me dizzy - but it still really really sucks. and it's become more and more frequent and it has happened every day this week and twice today which is just ridiculous and unprecedented.
so. up and down. lisa and i had a fight last night because i wasn't totally honest with her... i told her i was completely fine about her talking to me concerning her newfound "christian spirituality." it makes me uncomfortable, a little, yeah, but i didn't really want to discourage her from talking to me. but last night i told her it made me uncomfortable and got a little bit snarky because she was contradicting herself with two different claims concerning God's plan for her and i just want her to be safe and not worry so i pointed it out... argh. she's my best friend in the whole world.
tomorrow we're going to visit mizem after the exam? i miss her. i havent spoken to her since way before anything goes, although we called her on her birthday... mmm. anyway.
la sra. gagnon is giving me a college recommendation. i want to ask ms. perreault for one, also, but it won't be as good as sra. gagnon's... la sra. loves me more, i think.
mmm.
so i think i'm done. i don't know why i bother with this thing... i don't really know how many of you continue to read it but i felt the need to see my life typed out neatly, which is a huge improvement over the jumble it seems to be when the words are inside my head.