Dear White Knights
Dear White Knights,*
I know you're the kind who want to make things better, to make the world more like how you think it should be. I love how you love so many of us who others dismiss as broken or fucked up. I really do.
For a long time in my life I wanted someone who would come into my life and understand me completely. Someone who'd save me. Someone who knew what I needed and could give it to me. Someone who'd love me unconditionally.
And I experienced a white knight, who did their darndest to fix me. God knows they tried. But once I heard someone speaking about how they knew best for the other person, how the other person needed the speaker to be able to even function.
While listening to this person, I got really really angry and only later could I understand why. It reminded me of how, when I was learning to walk, our family dog would stand over me every time I fell when walking, "protecting" me because I had been hurt. But by standing over me, the dog prevented me from being able to stand up and walk again.
I found that my white knight was doing the same thing, standing over me to protect me from myself. Instead of learning how to do things myself, I was directed on what I should do. It robs me of the feeling of being an adult, because someone else is making the choices for me, through the lens of their own expectations and wants.
I see how a lot of white knights are running away from their Camelots, failing to put their own affairs in order before riding out on their quests. But the quest is always more exciting than sitting in your castle, managing your wheat planting and listening to dumb peasant lawsuits. The thing is, a whole lot of us damsels can see that your house is not in order and know how hypocritical you're being. We're not stupid, just really fucking needy.
White knights often fail to see the ways in which their sword is rusty and too short, their armor too heavy for the task at hand. They see a problem and fail to see how they are not properly trained for the task at hand. They know just enough to be dangerous, but not enough to be actually useful. What they are doing might actually be more harmful, but the white knights don't know that. All they see is a broken person and a belief in the usefulness of good intentions.
I see this a lot with white knights and their partner's mental illness. The white knight knows exactly what steps need to be taken for the other person to be all fixed. It's so clear what steps need to be taken, how can their loved ones not see that and act on those steps?
The problem is, of course, that all of us 'damsels in distress' have complex minds and histories and an inherent human need to get fulfillment through our own actions. We still need to build our own character. We get a choice about what we do or don't do, and no amount of pleading, begging, nagging or criticism will get us to choose the path you want because you want it. Or we'll do it half-assedly because you're forcing us to do it, and we stop doing it as soon as possible because we never wanted to do it in the first place.
The other side effect of the white knight relationship is dependency; suddenly the white knight is responsible for so much of their partner's life, because the knight said they wanted it. The white knight helped foster the dependency, sometimes willingly, sometimes without realizing it.
Unfortunately, the result is often burn-out on the part of the white knight. Stuck between an inability to accept their partner as they truly are, and unable to change their partner, the relationship sours and resentments build.
Eventually the white knight leaves.
The result? The 'damsel in distress' becomes even more fucked up. Here was this person who promised them the skies, who they thought loved them as they truly were, abandoning them because they're too fucked up. Which suddenly leaves the damsel to deal with all of the things the white knight had been handling, but without the resources to cope with them.
The end result: the damsel is left off worse than when they started.
The white knight rides off to find someone else in need of rescuing (there are always lots). The cycle begins again.
I learned my lessons about white knights, about how being with one does nothing to help me. And I'm still picking up the pieces.
*Note: white knights can be of any gender.
I know you're the kind who want to make things better, to make the world more like how you think it should be. I love how you love so many of us who others dismiss as broken or fucked up. I really do.
For a long time in my life I wanted someone who would come into my life and understand me completely. Someone who'd save me. Someone who knew what I needed and could give it to me. Someone who'd love me unconditionally.
And I experienced a white knight, who did their darndest to fix me. God knows they tried. But once I heard someone speaking about how they knew best for the other person, how the other person needed the speaker to be able to even function.
While listening to this person, I got really really angry and only later could I understand why. It reminded me of how, when I was learning to walk, our family dog would stand over me every time I fell when walking, "protecting" me because I had been hurt. But by standing over me, the dog prevented me from being able to stand up and walk again.
I found that my white knight was doing the same thing, standing over me to protect me from myself. Instead of learning how to do things myself, I was directed on what I should do. It robs me of the feeling of being an adult, because someone else is making the choices for me, through the lens of their own expectations and wants.
I see how a lot of white knights are running away from their Camelots, failing to put their own affairs in order before riding out on their quests. But the quest is always more exciting than sitting in your castle, managing your wheat planting and listening to dumb peasant lawsuits. The thing is, a whole lot of us damsels can see that your house is not in order and know how hypocritical you're being. We're not stupid, just really fucking needy.
White knights often fail to see the ways in which their sword is rusty and too short, their armor too heavy for the task at hand. They see a problem and fail to see how they are not properly trained for the task at hand. They know just enough to be dangerous, but not enough to be actually useful. What they are doing might actually be more harmful, but the white knights don't know that. All they see is a broken person and a belief in the usefulness of good intentions.
I see this a lot with white knights and their partner's mental illness. The white knight knows exactly what steps need to be taken for the other person to be all fixed. It's so clear what steps need to be taken, how can their loved ones not see that and act on those steps?
The problem is, of course, that all of us 'damsels in distress' have complex minds and histories and an inherent human need to get fulfillment through our own actions. We still need to build our own character. We get a choice about what we do or don't do, and no amount of pleading, begging, nagging or criticism will get us to choose the path you want because you want it. Or we'll do it half-assedly because you're forcing us to do it, and we stop doing it as soon as possible because we never wanted to do it in the first place.
The other side effect of the white knight relationship is dependency; suddenly the white knight is responsible for so much of their partner's life, because the knight said they wanted it. The white knight helped foster the dependency, sometimes willingly, sometimes without realizing it.
Unfortunately, the result is often burn-out on the part of the white knight. Stuck between an inability to accept their partner as they truly are, and unable to change their partner, the relationship sours and resentments build.
Eventually the white knight leaves.
The result? The 'damsel in distress' becomes even more fucked up. Here was this person who promised them the skies, who they thought loved them as they truly were, abandoning them because they're too fucked up. Which suddenly leaves the damsel to deal with all of the things the white knight had been handling, but without the resources to cope with them.
The end result: the damsel is left off worse than when they started.
The white knight rides off to find someone else in need of rescuing (there are always lots). The cycle begins again.
I learned my lessons about white knights, about how being with one does nothing to help me. And I'm still picking up the pieces.
*Note: white knights can be of any gender.