Struggeling
I dont know. I vent my frustrations here, then delete. I dont want A to come here and read when Im mad. I know he used to do that when we were first dating.
Last week Mal, we had another big fight. Seems to be the trend. It sucks. He said some awful stuff, then claims he doesn't remember. It puts me back to 'questioning' why we are in this relationship. It muddles and erases the good stuff.
Additionally, this time, I woke up with chest pains after...I get that stressed out about fighting.
Mostly he gripes about money. Mind you he makes decent money. His job is secure. Yet even tho I am working 2 part time jobs and have unemployment coming in, its not enough. This frustrates me. I have interviewed. There are not that many jobs open now, in case anyone hasn't noticed. Add to that, my physical disabilities I have now...and that eliminates more.
So I dont know. He is so supportive and great about so much.
I feel like I have to smile, play nice and gloss over the issues...OR he has to get the fuck out and we split. There dosnt seem to be any resolution.
Its time for a fire, then I can get 14 days alone to think.
To confuse me further. After all that dumping on sunday. (by the way, dumping when you are drunk is fucked up, its when your defenses are down and you say what your really mean, which is why I get so upset by the awful things said) So after dumping all this on me, he proceeds to use his money to purchase some fabric I need for a commission I am working on, THEN, renews my web site AND orders my hanger tags. So why fuss at me for money THEN spend more.
Which brings up another big deal...basically I let PSB Creations go last year after we had a fight in which he accused me of having a HOBBY...not a real business.
Lets get this straight. Im not a frivolous spender. I dont apprecaite the stuff other women do. Im frugal and relavant.
Its all so confusing, and detremental. After spending the week feeling defensive and off limits, yesterday was the first day I felt like being around him.
I do notice that after I commented about the isolation I feel when he is gaming CONSTANTLY while I sit alone...he came home from work and set up my laptop to watch some shows we miss cause we cant have Cable. THEN we watched the movie I wanted. That was nice for a change.
I dont mean to make him out to be an asshole. Hes not, usually anyway. But since it is MY journal I get to speak my side.
I DO think that a lot of this is communication based. His social skills are seriously lacking. Hes shy and uncomfortable around most people.
What makes this all so hard...The really good stuff. The total support he gives. How he seems to really apprecaite what I do. The Living History stuff, my sewing, my interests. and how when we go to bed, we cuddle up and one of us will comment "This is the best moment of today" I said it a while back, and I have heard him say it too.
So today, sunday. I took a chill yesterday, we had a nice night. Tomorrow is his weekend. We will make a fresh start of things.
I hope this roller coaster stops. I do not like the drama and the up and down.
Last week Mal, we had another big fight. Seems to be the trend. It sucks. He said some awful stuff, then claims he doesn't remember. It puts me back to 'questioning' why we are in this relationship. It muddles and erases the good stuff.
Additionally, this time, I woke up with chest pains after...I get that stressed out about fighting.
Mostly he gripes about money. Mind you he makes decent money. His job is secure. Yet even tho I am working 2 part time jobs and have unemployment coming in, its not enough. This frustrates me. I have interviewed. There are not that many jobs open now, in case anyone hasn't noticed. Add to that, my physical disabilities I have now...and that eliminates more.
So I dont know. He is so supportive and great about so much.
I feel like I have to smile, play nice and gloss over the issues...OR he has to get the fuck out and we split. There dosnt seem to be any resolution.
Its time for a fire, then I can get 14 days alone to think.
To confuse me further. After all that dumping on sunday. (by the way, dumping when you are drunk is fucked up, its when your defenses are down and you say what your really mean, which is why I get so upset by the awful things said) So after dumping all this on me, he proceeds to use his money to purchase some fabric I need for a commission I am working on, THEN, renews my web site AND orders my hanger tags. So why fuss at me for money THEN spend more.
Which brings up another big deal...basically I let PSB Creations go last year after we had a fight in which he accused me of having a HOBBY...not a real business.
Lets get this straight. Im not a frivolous spender. I dont apprecaite the stuff other women do. Im frugal and relavant.
Its all so confusing, and detremental. After spending the week feeling defensive and off limits, yesterday was the first day I felt like being around him.
I do notice that after I commented about the isolation I feel when he is gaming CONSTANTLY while I sit alone...he came home from work and set up my laptop to watch some shows we miss cause we cant have Cable. THEN we watched the movie I wanted. That was nice for a change.
I dont mean to make him out to be an asshole. Hes not, usually anyway. But since it is MY journal I get to speak my side.
I DO think that a lot of this is communication based. His social skills are seriously lacking. Hes shy and uncomfortable around most people.
What makes this all so hard...The really good stuff. The total support he gives. How he seems to really apprecaite what I do. The Living History stuff, my sewing, my interests. and how when we go to bed, we cuddle up and one of us will comment "This is the best moment of today" I said it a while back, and I have heard him say it too.
So today, sunday. I took a chill yesterday, we had a nice night. Tomorrow is his weekend. We will make a fresh start of things.
I hope this roller coaster stops. I do not like the drama and the up and down.