Meh.
Well, today, I worked out, Did a whole bunch of nothing!!, and did some more NOTHING!!!!!!
I want to feel better about my life.
I want to feel better about my body.
I want to just feel better in general...
There's really nothing to post, besides the fact that (warning, I'm too lazy to post a cut...) I hadn't eaten in about a week, and then today I just binged it all away.... So, now I am going to work out harder to make up for this. I wish that I was thin, and beautiful. :/ But instead, I feel like a huge fat dork... My wrists are getting super thin now, though. Which is weird, that my wrists would be the first place I lost weight.. But, whatever! Now I can say I'm proud to have wrist bones that stick out! ^^ That really just makes my day. And I catch myself just running my fingers along my wrist bones, just to feel how thin I will be everywhere one day. I am just going to be honest. I don't want to give up the hectic life I lead. I don't want to give up what's all "wrong" with me, because it doesn't feel wrong!! I don't feel bad about any of this! I'm NOT hungry. And so, I don't eat. It just happens. Or, when I do eat, it makes me sick!! (Due to the fact I have no gall bladder, hence no way to process fat...) I don't want to be fat and ugly anymore. I want people to want to be like me. I want people to admire me. They SHOULD! I've been through hell, (and even FURTHER than hell) to get to where I stand today. Most people don't understand that though.
Anyways, Good part of today: I fought of the feeling of cutting! :) I didn't do it!!! <3 Which made me happy.
I want to be able to finally get that tattoo. The one of "1 year NO CUTTING" that I've been planning since 13 months ago, but never got to get because I wasn't able to make it. My family thinks it's been 13 months since I cut... But I lied to them. And I will admit, it has gotten WAY easier to get past everyone with these, especially since I don't live with my mom and brother anymore, and I live in a house where I'm alone all day. I'm allergic to sunlight, and that gives me an excuse to always cover up, and So, It's so absolutely simple to get away with as much as I get away with! Not to mention, my aunt really knows NOTHING about what's wrong with me, besides the whole "Oh, She's schizophrenic, blah blah blah..."
I've got everyone fooled. ^^ Should I be so delighted about this? Probably not. But I AM! And I will remain so.
Nothing is ever "found out" about me... Unless I want it found.
Hell, my own mother never would have known about my suicide attempts, unless I had told her! She wouldn't have known until I had succeeded. But! I was tired of just feeling so tired. And so alone in my pain. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to feel better. And I do have those times where I do feel good about my life, and I do love to live. But right now, I am content with my unhappiness. I don't necessarily LIKE to be depressed all the time.. (and most times I really don't have a choice...) but, I don't LIKE being happy. I guess, if I can just self-analyse for a moment; I get scared when things go too well. When I'm happy, and things are wonderful in my life, I get terrified!! And I end up just sabotaging myself, so that I don't have to worry.
I have been through a lot in my life. From abusive parents, to abusive boyfriend, to abusive friends...Almost any situation you can think of... I've been in it. I guess, After Matt, I was left broken... I don't plan things anymore. I don't make promises. I have a guy that claims he loves me, and I'm terrified out of my mind!! I don't want to say we will be married. I don't want to get my hopes up, and then have everything taken out from underneath me again. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to let myself open up to anyone.
It scares the living daylights out of me. I can't do it. I literally CAN'T.
I thought I was over him. But everywhere I go, he's still there.... Almost as if he is haunting me. I wish I could just let this go. Sometimes I go to try and wake myself up, as if this is just one really bad dream... And I hope that when I wake up, he will have been just that: A bad dream. And that he never existed.
But, the truth is: He isn't. And he never will be. I just have to keep working on myself. God, it's been 2 years, and I'm STILL working on this.... It makes me wonder if I will ever be "Okay."