(no subject)
I start to feel better during the day. I love my friends. I realize there's nothing I can do about the situation. Then I go to bed. And I wake up feeling terrible. I start coming round to consciousness realizing that I've lost Ted. And yeah, there will probably be other relationships, and I might even be treated better, but Ted is an amazing person. I have learned so much from him. We have shared so much. I'm so not ready to give up on him and our relationship. I know that I have to because everytime I'm around him he makes it very clear that its over and he's moving on. He goes into defense mode to justify his actions. I'm not saying he doesn't have his reasons. I'm not trying to mess up his life or make him unhappy. I just liked Ted. I liked how we fit together physically, me snug in his arms, all the things he could teach me about bikes and records and movies, and even how dudely he could be sometimes. I think he's incredibly handsome, incredibly genuine, incredibly intelligent, rational, reasonable, amazing person. I remember driving to the swaps, going to Montreal together, this summer at the beach/in philly. I remember everyday things like just being able to call and talk and hang out pretty much whenever. I remember feeling that no matter what happened during the day it didn't matter because I could crawl into bed with Ted. He says that the insecurity and uncomfort is good. I say I can handle being single when I am, its just losing a person I care about so much. I value what I'm losing more than what he's gaining. He values what he's gaining more than what he's losing. I know life moves on. I never expected us to stay together forever though I thought about it sometimes. Not in a possessive way, I did imagine him as part mine. I know he was never mine in that sense though. But at least before the way he felt about me made him act or do a certain way towards me and now that he doesn't feel like that he has no obligation towards me. I wish he would come back to me. I wish he would realize how amazing of a girlfriend I am. I know all signs indicate to no. I know thats not the point where he is in life. All of my logic and reasoning tells me to move on, but thats not easy. My heart burns and is heavy. I know its just a relationship and not the end of the world but it may as well be in some ways. I'm having such a hard time adjusting. I know its only been a week and half but ahgahgogagh. I can't even verbalize exactly how I feel. Frustrated, depressed, stressed, sad, longing, insecure