Oct 16, 2006 13:05
I wonder how long it'll take me to privatize this entry. I feel really lost right now. And I know everything will be fine but it hurts so much to feel like someone is abandoning you, that you're not important enough, or that you're not being chosen. Its also just reforming your habits. You spend a year with someone, you're going to miss their intimate presence. I miss sleeping with Ted and curling up in his arms with my head on his chest. I miss waking up with him and knowing that I'll be seeing him again. I like to feel like I belong to him and he belongs to me (not in the possessive way). I like being able to talk to him about anything and knowing that he can share anything with me too. I like having the comfort level of sharing things in your life. Of me bringing him coffee from the coffee shop and him bringing me tubes and blinkys from the bike shop. I like seeing him and knowing that this person loves me, that I'm special to them. I like going on dates, watching movies, cuddling, holding hands. I like feeling secure. I know that everything will get better and I'll get used to being alone, but its not even being alone, its losing Ted. Its losing this great relationship I've had, losing this intimacy, losing the privelages. I know I should take it one day at a time but it absolutely kills me to immagine Ted doing any of these things for anyone else. I hate feeling like I'm replaceable. I know he needs to grow and move on and figure things out. I just wish that could be with me. I never thought it was going to be forever but I didn't think it'd be this hard to let go. I just want to see him and talk to him but I don't because I hate being around him and knowing I can't be with him. It hurts so much. I'm having such a hard time concentrating on anything. I don't just want to be in a relationship, if that were the case I would immediately start looking for someone. It wouldn't matter as much because I could just replace it. Now I'm scared to hell of a relationship. I don't want to have to feel like this again. I know that you have to date and see what fits and what doesn't but I would rather just be settled. Ted and i have had so many good memories, we have shared so much. I think he's an amazing person. I know he cares, I know he's not just doing this to hurt me. I know he's confused and trying to figure out his life and he thinks that us together is not working as part of it. Its so hard to give up hope though even though he made his decision. I want him to be happy. I want him to figure things out. I just wish that he could also be with me. There are so many couples that have broken up and gotten back together again. I know I shouldn't hold out for it at all, that I should just try to move on but where should I go? I'm doing my own thing, school, friends, work, italy. But I was doing that before too. Its like what did I think about when I was alone before I dated Ted. What was my thought process? Right now I just don't want to think or feel anymore. I want everything to be okay. I know it will be. In psych class today we talked about motivation. They used Lance Armstrong as and example. How people will go against all odds to try and get what they want. Why is it not like that in relationships? I know it can't be. It hurts to know that I can't say or do anything thats going to change the situtation. I just have to change how I'm thinking and doing. Its just so hard when I associate so many things in my life with Ted. We both ride bikes, go to the same shows, listen to the same music, live in the same town, go to the same school, and work together. Our lives involved one another so inextricably that now here I am, and how do I unravel it? How do I pull my own line back in without just cutting it off? I don't know. I really don't know. I'm sorry I'm being mopey and depressed. I know that everyone goes through it. Its just really hard and the only thing I can do is talk about it. So here I am. Talking. To the internet. To my friends. Not really able to go to the one person I really want to be with. And it sucks.