frustrated by myself
So I'm basically a huge fuck up and feeling really awful about it. What do I take pride in anyway? Obviously not school. I have yet to turn in any of my assignments on time this semester. I've already withdrawn from my forensics class (except I haven't officially withdrawn yet) I've already missed Italian twice. I can't get my head into it. Then there's work. I was late both days I worked this week and then just entirely hungover slept through work without calling yesterday. If I get fired I deserve it. And thats a shitty feeling. I know that all of my anxieties and issues are being caused by me. People could say I am irresponsible and unreliable and that would not be a perception, it would be true. People could say I don't put forth my best effort and that also would be true. That I take no pride at working the deli, also true. I could in my defense say that I have been a spectacular employee to the museum because I love it so much, but I should take pride in everything I do. Because what I'm doing represents me or an aspect of me right? Even if I'm not that into it, it still has my name on it. All my life obligations have always seemed optional. When did these things become optional? Work is not optional. School is not optional. I don't even pay my own fucking bills anymore since I've been in school. My mom is paying for my rent, my electric, and school. Not to mention that she is buying me a car. I can't be so dependent. Then theres Ted, who works 2 jobs he takes utmost pride in. He is always on time, he never misses work, he always works hard and tries his best. He is also going to school and now only taking one less class than me. He on the other hand pays for himself to go to school, rent, bills, etc. He is responsible. I am the nexus of slack. Sometimes I feel that I am pulling him into that. I don't want to be irresponsible. I am old enough and at the point in my life where I want to be responsible, independent, and reliable. When I didn't pull through at the deli yesterday, Kat was left by herself. Not only that but she was the one who got me my job in the first place so it reflects back on her. I'm old enough to know that being responsible is being conscious of the people and things around you. Being irresponsible and unreliable is immature, selfish, immediately gratifying but long term accomplishes nothing. People will only give you so many chances. You have to earn them, and I obviously haven't. I'm really angry with myself right now. I'm not coming out at all this week because I am going to get shit done. I have to.