Long overdue...
Many of you know I'm not dead, however, it may seem that way. I haven't updated here in awhile mainly because life took over. The abridged version of my first semester here, since I think the last real post may have been sometime in the summer or really early on in the school year.
I fell truly, madly, and deeply in love. The bottom dropped out and we went through some hard times...about 2 months of hard times to be exact. But Valentine's day and his homecoming brought communication and we focused on working things out and pulling our relationship together again. Now things are great, but of course there are still some bruises and I'm a bit cautious and nervous at times. We're going to have to do this the hard way, but when it comes right down to it, he makes me smile and we love each other a lot and I am truly happy when I am with him.
I spent a the month of January in Hawaii, and it was an amazing time. I met lots of amazing people while I was there and now have some truly amazing friends back at Elon. Somehow, I was at peace there. There is something about the beach and the sun and the waves and a simpler life that makes me feel at peace. I am so much happier and healthier when I am not in school. I like focusing on just the things that are important. Having one job and only myself to answer to. I like the calm of Hawaii. It's a lot like Florida.
On that note, graduation is swiftly approaching and I cannot WAIT. Although I am scared to move on and to really be on my own in every sense of the word. It's exhilarating and incredibly liberating. I am very much over the social bullshit of college and all the ridiculous pressures that come from being in a school setting. I'm over school. And certainly over Elon. But please don't mistake this as not treasuring the many moments and memories I have made here. It has been an experience to understate it just slightly. And I truly want to treasure the few weeks I have left because I will never get them back and if I don't treasure them I know I will come to regret it. I will miss my friends and although the never ending hustle bustle is driving me crazy I know I will miss it in a way when I'm lonely in my new place and wishing I could just sign online and have a million friends to choose from all going to all my different favorite places.
Along with the graduation feelings come the apathy I have developed towards classes. I am taking one class in particular that demands quite a bit of work and it's not really a senior class. The professor and I get along just fine, however, that won't help me pass and yet I feel no motivation to do many of the assignments, if not all the assignments. As the weeks go on I feel more inclined to do the work, and yet less effort is put forth, but I feel like I just have to make a couple more weeks of push. Do a couple web pages and a few publisher assignments and I'll be able to coast and get on through to the BIG day, May 20th.
I shouldn't really be this excited, because I have nothing to do once that graduation occurs. I have no job, and my boyfriend will still be long distance, and my sister will be who knows where, and I'll be living at home with my mother if things do not change in that department. I keep applying places, and sending out resumees, but nothing has come back serious yet.
I am attending a spa expo/seminar/conference this coming weekend, and I am very excited for it. And a bit nervous. So I guess it's more of an anxious. My mother is attending with me. I'm happy she agreed so I don't have to go alone, but I'm nervous about that, too.
My mother and I's relationship is still tumultuous. I think about it all the time and I think about all the things I want it to be and all the things I wished it to be when I was younger and I consider all the things its not and will never be. I suppose strangely it's gotten better as in we are fighting less, but the part that kills me about that is I'm not being myself with her. She doesn't know anything that is going on in my life and it hurts me that we are fine as long as we don't talk about anything that matters to me. I know she loves me and cares about me and wants the best for me, but why can't she ever really hear me or even respect me as a separate person with my own brain. I'm not just her daughter. I'm somebody's friend. Somebody else's love. Many someone's sister. And what's worse is I consider all these people to have helped me through so much and they have taught me so much on how to stand up and be who I want and unfortunately she had little to do with my recovery of becoming myself again. I love her she is my mom and she did as good as she could raising me. I never wanted for anything material. I was always able to take dance lessons, and tennis lessons, and have new dresses and great gifts on all the appropriate holidays, but money doesn't buy happiness. And I realize now what I missed was having a mom. What I wanted more than anything was to feel accepted and acceptable. How do you tell someone all the things that you feel and all the things you haven't said? Especially when you know its going to hurt them. Especially when its someone who has devoted their life to you. But if I don't say them, nothing will get better and nothing will change, and I might plague myself forever with all the thoughts that are always going through my head. I want to get back to the place where sleep wasn't so difficult and my head wasn't forever spinning with possibilities of hurt and failure and disappointment. (I slept really well in Hawaii EVERY day.)
I don't think I have the energy to write more tonight. I didn't attack the friendship area, but that may be a post for tomorrow. I know a promise of 2 in a row...don't wet yourselves. I should write more and this would qualify into time I should take for me to get the thoughts out and to work them out. A half hour I could just turn off the TV and turn on some music and let myself go. There is so much more on my mind, but my eyes are tired and the loss of this hour may be plaguing my internal clock. So love to all and goodnight.
I fell truly, madly, and deeply in love. The bottom dropped out and we went through some hard times...about 2 months of hard times to be exact. But Valentine's day and his homecoming brought communication and we focused on working things out and pulling our relationship together again. Now things are great, but of course there are still some bruises and I'm a bit cautious and nervous at times. We're going to have to do this the hard way, but when it comes right down to it, he makes me smile and we love each other a lot and I am truly happy when I am with him.
I spent a the month of January in Hawaii, and it was an amazing time. I met lots of amazing people while I was there and now have some truly amazing friends back at Elon. Somehow, I was at peace there. There is something about the beach and the sun and the waves and a simpler life that makes me feel at peace. I am so much happier and healthier when I am not in school. I like focusing on just the things that are important. Having one job and only myself to answer to. I like the calm of Hawaii. It's a lot like Florida.
On that note, graduation is swiftly approaching and I cannot WAIT. Although I am scared to move on and to really be on my own in every sense of the word. It's exhilarating and incredibly liberating. I am very much over the social bullshit of college and all the ridiculous pressures that come from being in a school setting. I'm over school. And certainly over Elon. But please don't mistake this as not treasuring the many moments and memories I have made here. It has been an experience to understate it just slightly. And I truly want to treasure the few weeks I have left because I will never get them back and if I don't treasure them I know I will come to regret it. I will miss my friends and although the never ending hustle bustle is driving me crazy I know I will miss it in a way when I'm lonely in my new place and wishing I could just sign online and have a million friends to choose from all going to all my different favorite places.
Along with the graduation feelings come the apathy I have developed towards classes. I am taking one class in particular that demands quite a bit of work and it's not really a senior class. The professor and I get along just fine, however, that won't help me pass and yet I feel no motivation to do many of the assignments, if not all the assignments. As the weeks go on I feel more inclined to do the work, and yet less effort is put forth, but I feel like I just have to make a couple more weeks of push. Do a couple web pages and a few publisher assignments and I'll be able to coast and get on through to the BIG day, May 20th.
I shouldn't really be this excited, because I have nothing to do once that graduation occurs. I have no job, and my boyfriend will still be long distance, and my sister will be who knows where, and I'll be living at home with my mother if things do not change in that department. I keep applying places, and sending out resumees, but nothing has come back serious yet.
I am attending a spa expo/seminar/conference this coming weekend, and I am very excited for it. And a bit nervous. So I guess it's more of an anxious. My mother is attending with me. I'm happy she agreed so I don't have to go alone, but I'm nervous about that, too.
My mother and I's relationship is still tumultuous. I think about it all the time and I think about all the things I want it to be and all the things I wished it to be when I was younger and I consider all the things its not and will never be. I suppose strangely it's gotten better as in we are fighting less, but the part that kills me about that is I'm not being myself with her. She doesn't know anything that is going on in my life and it hurts me that we are fine as long as we don't talk about anything that matters to me. I know she loves me and cares about me and wants the best for me, but why can't she ever really hear me or even respect me as a separate person with my own brain. I'm not just her daughter. I'm somebody's friend. Somebody else's love. Many someone's sister. And what's worse is I consider all these people to have helped me through so much and they have taught me so much on how to stand up and be who I want and unfortunately she had little to do with my recovery of becoming myself again. I love her she is my mom and she did as good as she could raising me. I never wanted for anything material. I was always able to take dance lessons, and tennis lessons, and have new dresses and great gifts on all the appropriate holidays, but money doesn't buy happiness. And I realize now what I missed was having a mom. What I wanted more than anything was to feel accepted and acceptable. How do you tell someone all the things that you feel and all the things you haven't said? Especially when you know its going to hurt them. Especially when its someone who has devoted their life to you. But if I don't say them, nothing will get better and nothing will change, and I might plague myself forever with all the thoughts that are always going through my head. I want to get back to the place where sleep wasn't so difficult and my head wasn't forever spinning with possibilities of hurt and failure and disappointment. (I slept really well in Hawaii EVERY day.)
I don't think I have the energy to write more tonight. I didn't attack the friendship area, but that may be a post for tomorrow. I know a promise of 2 in a row...don't wet yourselves. I should write more and this would qualify into time I should take for me to get the thoughts out and to work them out. A half hour I could just turn off the TV and turn on some music and let myself go. There is so much more on my mind, but my eyes are tired and the loss of this hour may be plaguing my internal clock. So love to all and goodnight.