(no subject)
I've been really mad almost all day, which isn't very long considering me and Lana didn't even wake up until quarter after one.
She left around four thirty, and after that I just started thinking about everything. About Courtney, about Justin, about my parents, about my so-called friends, about school. I hate this knot I get in the pit of my stomach everytime I think about any of them. I hate this pressure I feel in my chest. I hate this urge I have to cry, and not being able to because my eyes are so dry.
I can't relax anymore. I just can't. Everything I do I end up thinking about SOMETHING that gets to me. Something that gets under my skin or makes it hard to breathe.
I don't know why I'm even worried about the situation with Courtney anymore. Our friendship is over and I'm okay with that. I really don't care anymore because in four months I'm not going to be here. I'm not going to have to see her in school everyday and I'm not going to have to deal with anybody going behind my back and talk shit about me with her. I don't know how much longer I can take being in this fucking school.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry you hate me because I had sex with him and I'm sorry that it's affecting your life so much.
I've barely talked to Justin all day, and it's not making me mad but.. I don't know. I don't know what it's making me. I just feel really alone, and really unimportant, and really... I just really want to cry right now. I need to talk to him. I need to. And he's not here to talk to and... shit. I need help.
I'm sorry I need you this badly right now and I'm sorry I get annoying sometimes. I'm sorry I'm not a perfect girlfriend and I'm sorry I complain to you so much. I'm sorry I have trouble sleeping because you're not there and I'm sorry I check my aim compulsively to see if you've come back from away. I'm sorry I'm not as smart as you are and I'm sorry I don't want to finish school. I'm sorry I'm only sixteen and not of age to move out yet, and I'm sorry I'm going to move out regardless.
Apparently my parents are going to try and get back together, but I really don't want that to happen. They shouldn't be married, especially not to eachother. All that's going to happen is the cycle is going to be repeated and... fuck. I can't take anymore of that anxiety.
I felt much better today though, even if only for about an hour. An LJ user (I don't know his username) IMed me on AIM and said the exact things that I just needed to hear today. Apparently he read one of my posts in the group Lettergraveyard and he went through the exact same thing. I don't understand how a complete stranger could feel so strongly for someone they don't even know and never even talked to before, but he felt that for me. A complete stranger is so willing to help me and that is just such an overwhelming feeling. I don't even have any words to describe it. It made me feel loved, sort of. Not the usual kind of love, like the love my boyfriend has for me.. but.. I don't know. I haven't felt this kind of love in a while.
I feel weird right now. I haven't gotten any homework done and I really need to sleep tonight.
Oh boy tomorrow should be fun...
Confrontations, anyone?
She left around four thirty, and after that I just started thinking about everything. About Courtney, about Justin, about my parents, about my so-called friends, about school. I hate this knot I get in the pit of my stomach everytime I think about any of them. I hate this pressure I feel in my chest. I hate this urge I have to cry, and not being able to because my eyes are so dry.
I can't relax anymore. I just can't. Everything I do I end up thinking about SOMETHING that gets to me. Something that gets under my skin or makes it hard to breathe.
I don't know why I'm even worried about the situation with Courtney anymore. Our friendship is over and I'm okay with that. I really don't care anymore because in four months I'm not going to be here. I'm not going to have to see her in school everyday and I'm not going to have to deal with anybody going behind my back and talk shit about me with her. I don't know how much longer I can take being in this fucking school.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry you hate me because I had sex with him and I'm sorry that it's affecting your life so much.
I've barely talked to Justin all day, and it's not making me mad but.. I don't know. I don't know what it's making me. I just feel really alone, and really unimportant, and really... I just really want to cry right now. I need to talk to him. I need to. And he's not here to talk to and... shit. I need help.
I'm sorry I need you this badly right now and I'm sorry I get annoying sometimes. I'm sorry I'm not a perfect girlfriend and I'm sorry I complain to you so much. I'm sorry I have trouble sleeping because you're not there and I'm sorry I check my aim compulsively to see if you've come back from away. I'm sorry I'm not as smart as you are and I'm sorry I don't want to finish school. I'm sorry I'm only sixteen and not of age to move out yet, and I'm sorry I'm going to move out regardless.
Apparently my parents are going to try and get back together, but I really don't want that to happen. They shouldn't be married, especially not to eachother. All that's going to happen is the cycle is going to be repeated and... fuck. I can't take anymore of that anxiety.
I felt much better today though, even if only for about an hour. An LJ user (I don't know his username) IMed me on AIM and said the exact things that I just needed to hear today. Apparently he read one of my posts in the group Lettergraveyard and he went through the exact same thing. I don't understand how a complete stranger could feel so strongly for someone they don't even know and never even talked to before, but he felt that for me. A complete stranger is so willing to help me and that is just such an overwhelming feeling. I don't even have any words to describe it. It made me feel loved, sort of. Not the usual kind of love, like the love my boyfriend has for me.. but.. I don't know. I haven't felt this kind of love in a while.
I feel weird right now. I haven't gotten any homework done and I really need to sleep tonight.
Oh boy tomorrow should be fun...
Confrontations, anyone?