I wrote this Sunday
this is some kind of snapshot of my life these past two weeks. definitely wrote this for me.
It was so strange to erase my TO DO chalkboard, just now, and put up a set of completely new responsibilities. To take down “senior project board…pick up irina…this performance, that performance…. return at least forty library books” all happened…all done…
Submit the senior project (got an A-…whatever. The board was traumatizing. I could’ve done so much less, so much better, and just gotten a solid A. But hey, I preferred the interlude with the gypsies who stole my diggie camera - Madonna songs will never be the same), irina comes, go to workshop “reflective thinking on volunteer work,” lots of senior shows, spring fling, open mic in Woodstock, kaaterskill, Hudson, Rosendale twilight zone tone, a lot of art shows, a lot of late night diner moments, a lot of music….gave my first real public speaking talk, to the life time learning institute, I love older people…so much wisdom…
John’s show liz’s show
It’s been a colorful ten days, to say the least. I remember binding project drama, BBQ, Dylan’s show, liz’s b-day
Thursday, April 28
busy at lunch, with the project, give it out to Alice and others…festive energy…sitting with nina on the stone wall, and others…Joana, Ali, etc…saw Donnelly.
Friday, Tab project
Kline, Ro, chatting, tshirts, Brittany, soup talk? Dunno - no, that was all last week…
This past Friday was definitely Joe talk…Chiropractor Rhinebeck Po-town pick up Irina “chill weekend, natural.” Pick up Brit, unpack
Reflectiveness workshop
Colors
Thinking about meaning…going around hearing about what people do, wondering about their motives, deep down - feigned distance/generality of experiences….what is at the core of these experiences? How do we talk about them in THAT way? A lot of musicians…
Watching others makes their wheels - the directions were “make an eight-slice-piece of pie and in each slice write something that you value about life and that’s integral to who you are and then break that one thing down into more slices….” Everyone had all these different kinds of colors and approaches, etcetc…
Importance of meditation for processing
Her experience in South Africa, race in general, her husband, her adulthood, remembering my anxiety for that…
Making a book with children, art therapy, all those books
Good music, touching each other, shoulder to shoulder… I love touch, I love trying to be really aware of everyone around me. Wondering what they’re thinking. Uh im not maternal or anything…
The poppies - she talked about how she got lost on her way over to Bard - and told some guy who was mowing things that he shouldn’t mow down the poppies and he was like “oh is that what they are!” and he left them alone and she said “that’s why I was supposed to get lost … saved those poppies” ok its very hallmark trite and silly but there’s value in experiences like that sometimes…
Thinking about energy
Her backyard/garden/friends
Thinking about Brooklyn and bringing this all back with me - wondering how I’ll give back to the world
Wondering what this workshop is doing for people…its simple but effective in its own way. Thinking about Irina being here from san Francisco - that house and everything she sees there…
In general getting random bursts from people about where they stand now “trying to make meaning in my life?” is that what I’m doing - yes that seems to fit…
Paul’s senior show…meeting his parents, good food, amazing composition, seeing Diane, realizing the whole Louis story…Really hearing the cello for the first time - all its potential to make all kinds of sounds, what is Paul’s relationship to it - how does he get moved by it? Does that side of him show in other sides of him?
Off to Hannaford with Nina, lots of sweets, wine, nice sunset probably?
A lot of memories of walking to blithewood, passed Williams, thoughts of freshmen, last semester, love…always always always this return to that site and this simultaneous reclaiming…that’s just how im going to remember april and escapism and obsessive behavior “lets go to blithewood” maybe I’ll run into so and so. Maybe I need to get away from so and so. Return to the site of trauma/love making/etcetcetc
remembering avery, this summer, marla, the poison ivy…
Then getting beer for freshies from Hannaford and Nina gets her stuff…get back to campus…give the beer away, go to tent….
Christine’s show, a lot of good energy, enthusiasm.
Bonfire next? Food? I dunno… something…John comes?
Photo show!
No… yes? Yes, but not Anya Eric and Andy’s show - this time it’s Amy’s etc different crowd- Irina’s there…doing the whole car removal thing, some txting drama about that, making sure everyone has their cars…people grateful for the thoughtfulness but I wish everyone could warn everyone when their car might get towed, ya know?? Don’t understand J’s complete indifference but whateve some people just shut off.
Going to village briefly, running into Riley and John, sweet and comfortable…back to tent party…fun fun fun=)
Night before, drank wine and didn’t go out to bar with the others….
A lot of moons
Earth worms
Walks to shafer, unforgettable…
Randomly stopped off at UBS show…or was that Saturday? That was Saturday with john, post flowers…then huge fight with Jared - turns out he’s been really hurt, by me, needing, somewhat in love…confusion…I knew the anger was about something deeper and not random personal talk we were having…a lot of back and forth - very much drawn to Brittany for support and comfort - genuine…things are fine eventually…crying in front of all sorts of characters
BBQ…cake…liz and jenn very helpful - let me into the dorm, key drama…
No beer run
Belly dance show
Hiphop
Amazing how people move through space
Trying to sell flowers
Bill comes by, chocolate shroom things…his intuition, the common ground and common past we share.
Campus center? Going somewhere? …where? The tent?
Colin that night- remembering lots of sides of him, the mystery of the summer…his depth, eyes, sensitivity, he likes ani, the praying mantis, cooking - so many memories. dave and the rocks, village party….dancing, max, tears, nina, dj issues, bleeding, page, sarah smith dancing with =) bill gets there, smoking, walking back and forth. John was there…drama of various sorts…oh yeah and art show and those guys visiting and some bonfire walking around.... page calls to see sean stuff etcetc
Next day, get up, sell flowers, independent, enjoying that time and space…where did everyone sleep? I think in my room
I think I painted a bit the night before and just chatted with bill - music? poetry?
Selling, no one is buying, the disappointment, awkward with administrators, chatting with irina, nervous about c/n situation…
Rings clothes scarves friends people pictures Narnia dancing, kline, embarrassing moment, page’s massage…me lying down watching the branches… Mel moment, reflections on Joe being social, happy for him, wondering at his own sincerity…telling irina and bill…
Irina’s voice, her kindness, pauses, “yeah” thoughts, what she realizes and lets go of
new happenings, this morning very fresh and early
Kline reclaimed with this new outdoor feeling it hadn’t had in a long time, life is full of surprises…don’t remember the indoor kline feelings and moments…
Irina and Mariah meet
Sunday night, up alllll night working
Wake up early, work a lot again, panic, class, post class blues and issues, talk to carlin, shrooms missing, open mic in Woodstock, amazing stories and walk with irina and best chai of my life, the moon, the fact that the place exists - all our powerful personalities and what these things do to all of our personalities, me wondering and thinking about how there are so many dominant characters in my life and how great that is but this intense assertion of individuality and individualism must be tempered/mediated/confronted by some universality?
Something really good about the way irina and me and bill connect. And nina too…
Going from hurt and betrayed to just accepting and moving on.
Getting back pretty late…did we get food somewhere - something happened…CANTINA! Yummy and talk about adulthood and sex and memories
And something else that really felt good and made things click
Bill left early on Tuesday? Or Wednesday?
Coffee hunt health food store
At some point irina and I went to Rhinebeck and ran around for coffee - she goes to see Josh…I come back on campus and do what….things were happening…it was room draw, coe was canceled….one of these nights Jared came by and I was obsessed and sad over the money situation so I shed some tears…
Wednesday: gave the talk! Amazing experience, elderly people, really moving…curious, smarter than expected, impressed by Amy and Jenny - really happy that nina jo and irina were there with their smiles and sweetness…good food, the flowers, how proud they were of us - I didn’t even need the devastating board to put a capstone over everything…
Thursday, water fall trip, amazing magical fresh good vibes for all of us, playing around, silly whimsical, im just always observing, trying to take in the value of moments, trying to hold on to so much…class…listening to the last Schubert pieces, joe asks attentive questions, nina sleeps on my shoulder, I’m kind of out of it…thinking about him but trying not to at the same time, chat with Mark during break… BBQ, deciding not to do anything in particular…stressing out about what to do next in life…looking to others for help…open mic!!! Absolutely amazed and moved by people’s talent, the shifting landscape of this artistic scene - from Jordan Caress to Andrea type musicians I saw last year now to Colin, Indian acapella music, that duo, the funny guys, the issue of minorities and performances, nice time with Colin, run into Jared…part ways, I get back to my room…decide to sleep early? Prep for board? photo show, sam’s stuff was particularly interesting. irina sad, page sad, ran into her, went with irina to diner, yummy, went to sleep? Maybe a little bit of campus center before that too… adam performing or something?
Friday: last astor home trip, its eventful, even in all these ends there is newness- went outside and spent sometime with other kids, made jewelry with Jamie as usual, painted colorful rocks- left them outside, some tangible reminder that will last as long as it will last of me…bad SP board that morning - contrived, critical in a frustrating way, not very indepth and analytical, I didn’t learn much from it other than that I should’ve followed my intuition all along… crying…people being there for me, up the hill from Kline, discussing, working through what the experience did for me…walking around redhook, paninis with Jared and Irina…Jared being sweet, helpful with the car, reflective. Henry made me the CD… Amazing on the dock eating - manor being beautiful, everyone bringing beautiful collaborative and present energy with them… wine and tipping the dock and cheese and mmm J
Cameron’s play! A lot of gender issues, the fun crowd, how intimate and good it felt, watching our mutual friend put on his art. But a little disconnected…
Cinco de mayo things - going to the party version of the photo show…
Saturday
Colorful Rosendale - south of Kingston, near high falls…a random drive, a serious twlight zone experience with this tone…barber shops that sell cigarettes and stationary…stores called “Big Cheese” that sell cheese, belly dancing belts and old shoes…and rent out empty “salsa-lessons-here” studios in the middle of this town that looks like something fresh from the wild wild west.
And Hudson…full of its usual wholeness, collision course of races, social classes and cultural conditions…antique stores, yuppy cafes, and people selling things on the street…
Burritos =)
Talk about theo and Romania and family life
Realizing all the things ive been wanting to talk about and tell her for a really long time.
Coming naturally
Bonding in a similar way , very smooth, new roles for each other
Poverty in Hudson
Talking about love and $ and school
Walking passed little flea market thing
Punk rock prom and the urban cowboy night thing, a lot of fun, ward Churchill, the movie screening, taking some time alone to shower and chill - much needed. Using my room as a haven, a back and forth place, nutella to chase down gin. Nice to be out there and dancing a little bit, seeing some people, thinking about joe and attracting his energy, seeing him, getting random brave ims from him, wondering about his drug situation…saw him go into the root cellar?? Thinking about the crowd and how they were partying, all those musicians - creative writers, socio majors and this whole musical world that they have. Heard someone rehearse earlier.
What did I eat at kline…what other little convos took place…
Slowly but surely letting go of joe…not making it about returning stories about myself and life back to him…so much he wouldn’t understand, so much I own for myself…his lack of kindness and curiosity has more than demonstrated that for me. I should let him go like he wants to be let go of. Hudson still has me, and only me, for itself and reminded me of that…its so interesting to finally see the light. For something to just one day click.
So busy, too busy and stimulated to care. Did some job hunting, tried to center myself, today was breakfast, Poughkeepsie, carlin and irina, massage, sitting by the water, the drive back, art show with the ladies, seeing Jared, transcribing poem drama like woah, dinner at kline, walking with mariel, parting with nina, eating the apple sauce, dropping it off, watching the sunset with ubax and alex, then with nina, both of us breathless and amazed at the sky. joe randomly coming out, kind of friendly…nina and brit coming in, nina doing work here warming my heart, brit and I go to the gym, we discuss things, working out takes forever for me, just couldn’t motivate to do the abs or weight life or sauna, wondering about my weight and my body image
So good to look back on how much I’ve done, how full its been, how much good bright weather - how there was the perfect blend of intense friendship and eventfulness but I remember moments of stillness, I remember enjoying stillness, randomly running into Britt in Rhinebeck, all the love of the conversations driving to Tivoli bays…a lot of good time spent with page, all of jared’s very powerful advice and analysis of me, including where he thinks I Am in life, what he thinks im capable of…
Whimsy, kindness, fullness…I am so lucky, I am so so so so so grateful. I am strong. Talking to my mom tonight was nice, she is such a wonderful person. She seems good and ok and strong. She still always inspires me. I’m coming to terms with what the criticism for my project means. Ketaki also helped a lot.
Poems poems poems
Sonya sanchez is amazing
So are the 101 one liners
Stuff about stars
So much to do but so much newness
Late night Hannaford drives and Popsicles
THESE are the memories. THESE are real.
Going to bed giddy, yes? For sure. I wish this was more reflective and in depth about impressions, everything I learned…that’s what matters a lot…but I’m hoping the images of I all are enough…
I feel so inarticulate and incompetent lately. It’s amazing how many people believe in me and try to pick my up, like nina tonight with academia talk and jared too…but I think of trying to articulate where I’ve been these past few months, the obsessiveness, the exploration and start of friendships that have been stilted…such a whirlwind, so hard to hold on to it with words…I know how I narrated this and I just learned so much about narration, the importance we give to things, the way we remember….I can’t forget everything I’ve learned from my project. So much I need to fill John in on…the landscape of my mythic reality has turned many different shades lately - went to talking with john every day to barely, went from … its just interesting how priorities and things change. Interesting to talk to liz about her future last night and hear her fears. Interesting to get up early. Or before 1 pm =)
Fb doesn’t matter as much or in the same way
Art is evolving into a new role in my life, less to prove, less in the impact…I almost want to switch mediums…Taurus is taking its toll - I’m thinking about business?!? Does this have to do with letting go of Joe?
Can I fall in love with Jared again in whole new ways? Should I just wait on all of that? I think I like Sara Slean, I think I just discovered her now…
Sometimes the city seems less and less lonely and I have a feeling life will be just as nuts and ridiculous. I keep imagining our Budapest apartment! I know it will be different - I wonder what energies all of us will bring to it.
I think about love a lot and what it means, do I have to catch my new/future lover up to/with so much? What did I learn about love and how I am in relationships from being with Joe…we told each other a lot of stories about each other…was that just the dynamic there? I always dreaded ending things and having to start all over with someone new, but there’s a thrill in that, no?
Useful to reflect this way, knowing I will have more to give to people…
“be an observer” is a piece of advice given to me lately
funny when nina called today right when I was thinking “I need something to do” and she reminded me of a key responsibility.
Not feeling myself and other times feeling myself - like now. I feel a little more in touch. I can give good advice if I tried. I do like good poetry. I like piano music. I like orgasms. Little things J Constantly inside of a moment and outside of it and all sorts of nuttiness but looking back like this reminds me that moments are full - and maybe I’m fabricating that fullness because the whole time I was in those moments I just thought about how I would be looking back at them but some of them have caught me by surprise. I love driving around the Hudson valley on the other side of the river - it feels so lived in…and yet so steady and unchanged. I love seeing Saugerties, thinking of the community, how the Hudson valley does its thing, various art galleries, workshops, etc…who is around here - writers…artists…such a loaded place. It is the closest thing to home that I have. And nyc is too in a lot of ways and I will bring a full and vibrant person to it. Ok, one hour of writing, im amazing, time to go.
-May 7
It was so strange to erase my TO DO chalkboard, just now, and put up a set of completely new responsibilities. To take down “senior project board…pick up irina…this performance, that performance…. return at least forty library books” all happened…all done…
Submit the senior project (got an A-…whatever. The board was traumatizing. I could’ve done so much less, so much better, and just gotten a solid A. But hey, I preferred the interlude with the gypsies who stole my diggie camera - Madonna songs will never be the same), irina comes, go to workshop “reflective thinking on volunteer work,” lots of senior shows, spring fling, open mic in Woodstock, kaaterskill, Hudson, Rosendale twilight zone tone, a lot of art shows, a lot of late night diner moments, a lot of music….gave my first real public speaking talk, to the life time learning institute, I love older people…so much wisdom…
John’s show liz’s show
It’s been a colorful ten days, to say the least. I remember binding project drama, BBQ, Dylan’s show, liz’s b-day
Thursday, April 28
busy at lunch, with the project, give it out to Alice and others…festive energy…sitting with nina on the stone wall, and others…Joana, Ali, etc…saw Donnelly.
Friday, Tab project
Kline, Ro, chatting, tshirts, Brittany, soup talk? Dunno - no, that was all last week…
This past Friday was definitely Joe talk…Chiropractor Rhinebeck Po-town pick up Irina “chill weekend, natural.” Pick up Brit, unpack
Reflectiveness workshop
Colors
Thinking about meaning…going around hearing about what people do, wondering about their motives, deep down - feigned distance/generality of experiences….what is at the core of these experiences? How do we talk about them in THAT way? A lot of musicians…
Watching others makes their wheels - the directions were “make an eight-slice-piece of pie and in each slice write something that you value about life and that’s integral to who you are and then break that one thing down into more slices….” Everyone had all these different kinds of colors and approaches, etcetc…
Importance of meditation for processing
Her experience in South Africa, race in general, her husband, her adulthood, remembering my anxiety for that…
Making a book with children, art therapy, all those books
Good music, touching each other, shoulder to shoulder… I love touch, I love trying to be really aware of everyone around me. Wondering what they’re thinking. Uh im not maternal or anything…
The poppies - she talked about how she got lost on her way over to Bard - and told some guy who was mowing things that he shouldn’t mow down the poppies and he was like “oh is that what they are!” and he left them alone and she said “that’s why I was supposed to get lost … saved those poppies” ok its very hallmark trite and silly but there’s value in experiences like that sometimes…
Thinking about energy
Her backyard/garden/friends
Thinking about Brooklyn and bringing this all back with me - wondering how I’ll give back to the world
Wondering what this workshop is doing for people…its simple but effective in its own way. Thinking about Irina being here from san Francisco - that house and everything she sees there…
In general getting random bursts from people about where they stand now “trying to make meaning in my life?” is that what I’m doing - yes that seems to fit…
Paul’s senior show…meeting his parents, good food, amazing composition, seeing Diane, realizing the whole Louis story…Really hearing the cello for the first time - all its potential to make all kinds of sounds, what is Paul’s relationship to it - how does he get moved by it? Does that side of him show in other sides of him?
Off to Hannaford with Nina, lots of sweets, wine, nice sunset probably?
A lot of memories of walking to blithewood, passed Williams, thoughts of freshmen, last semester, love…always always always this return to that site and this simultaneous reclaiming…that’s just how im going to remember april and escapism and obsessive behavior “lets go to blithewood” maybe I’ll run into so and so. Maybe I need to get away from so and so. Return to the site of trauma/love making/etcetcetc
remembering avery, this summer, marla, the poison ivy…
Then getting beer for freshies from Hannaford and Nina gets her stuff…get back to campus…give the beer away, go to tent….
Christine’s show, a lot of good energy, enthusiasm.
Bonfire next? Food? I dunno… something…John comes?
Photo show!
No… yes? Yes, but not Anya Eric and Andy’s show - this time it’s Amy’s etc different crowd- Irina’s there…doing the whole car removal thing, some txting drama about that, making sure everyone has their cars…people grateful for the thoughtfulness but I wish everyone could warn everyone when their car might get towed, ya know?? Don’t understand J’s complete indifference but whateve some people just shut off.
Going to village briefly, running into Riley and John, sweet and comfortable…back to tent party…fun fun fun=)
Night before, drank wine and didn’t go out to bar with the others….
A lot of moons
Earth worms
Walks to shafer, unforgettable…
Randomly stopped off at UBS show…or was that Saturday? That was Saturday with john, post flowers…then huge fight with Jared - turns out he’s been really hurt, by me, needing, somewhat in love…confusion…I knew the anger was about something deeper and not random personal talk we were having…a lot of back and forth - very much drawn to Brittany for support and comfort - genuine…things are fine eventually…crying in front of all sorts of characters
BBQ…cake…liz and jenn very helpful - let me into the dorm, key drama…
No beer run
Belly dance show
Hiphop
Amazing how people move through space
Trying to sell flowers
Bill comes by, chocolate shroom things…his intuition, the common ground and common past we share.
Campus center? Going somewhere? …where? The tent?
Colin that night- remembering lots of sides of him, the mystery of the summer…his depth, eyes, sensitivity, he likes ani, the praying mantis, cooking - so many memories. dave and the rocks, village party….dancing, max, tears, nina, dj issues, bleeding, page, sarah smith dancing with =) bill gets there, smoking, walking back and forth. John was there…drama of various sorts…oh yeah and art show and those guys visiting and some bonfire walking around.... page calls to see sean stuff etcetc
Next day, get up, sell flowers, independent, enjoying that time and space…where did everyone sleep? I think in my room
I think I painted a bit the night before and just chatted with bill - music? poetry?
Selling, no one is buying, the disappointment, awkward with administrators, chatting with irina, nervous about c/n situation…
Rings clothes scarves friends people pictures Narnia dancing, kline, embarrassing moment, page’s massage…me lying down watching the branches… Mel moment, reflections on Joe being social, happy for him, wondering at his own sincerity…telling irina and bill…
Irina’s voice, her kindness, pauses, “yeah” thoughts, what she realizes and lets go of
new happenings, this morning very fresh and early
Kline reclaimed with this new outdoor feeling it hadn’t had in a long time, life is full of surprises…don’t remember the indoor kline feelings and moments…
Irina and Mariah meet
Sunday night, up alllll night working
Wake up early, work a lot again, panic, class, post class blues and issues, talk to carlin, shrooms missing, open mic in Woodstock, amazing stories and walk with irina and best chai of my life, the moon, the fact that the place exists - all our powerful personalities and what these things do to all of our personalities, me wondering and thinking about how there are so many dominant characters in my life and how great that is but this intense assertion of individuality and individualism must be tempered/mediated/confronted by some universality?
Something really good about the way irina and me and bill connect. And nina too…
Going from hurt and betrayed to just accepting and moving on.
Getting back pretty late…did we get food somewhere - something happened…CANTINA! Yummy and talk about adulthood and sex and memories
And something else that really felt good and made things click
Bill left early on Tuesday? Or Wednesday?
Coffee hunt health food store
At some point irina and I went to Rhinebeck and ran around for coffee - she goes to see Josh…I come back on campus and do what….things were happening…it was room draw, coe was canceled….one of these nights Jared came by and I was obsessed and sad over the money situation so I shed some tears…
Wednesday: gave the talk! Amazing experience, elderly people, really moving…curious, smarter than expected, impressed by Amy and Jenny - really happy that nina jo and irina were there with their smiles and sweetness…good food, the flowers, how proud they were of us - I didn’t even need the devastating board to put a capstone over everything…
Thursday, water fall trip, amazing magical fresh good vibes for all of us, playing around, silly whimsical, im just always observing, trying to take in the value of moments, trying to hold on to so much…class…listening to the last Schubert pieces, joe asks attentive questions, nina sleeps on my shoulder, I’m kind of out of it…thinking about him but trying not to at the same time, chat with Mark during break… BBQ, deciding not to do anything in particular…stressing out about what to do next in life…looking to others for help…open mic!!! Absolutely amazed and moved by people’s talent, the shifting landscape of this artistic scene - from Jordan Caress to Andrea type musicians I saw last year now to Colin, Indian acapella music, that duo, the funny guys, the issue of minorities and performances, nice time with Colin, run into Jared…part ways, I get back to my room…decide to sleep early? Prep for board? photo show, sam’s stuff was particularly interesting. irina sad, page sad, ran into her, went with irina to diner, yummy, went to sleep? Maybe a little bit of campus center before that too… adam performing or something?
Friday: last astor home trip, its eventful, even in all these ends there is newness- went outside and spent sometime with other kids, made jewelry with Jamie as usual, painted colorful rocks- left them outside, some tangible reminder that will last as long as it will last of me…bad SP board that morning - contrived, critical in a frustrating way, not very indepth and analytical, I didn’t learn much from it other than that I should’ve followed my intuition all along… crying…people being there for me, up the hill from Kline, discussing, working through what the experience did for me…walking around redhook, paninis with Jared and Irina…Jared being sweet, helpful with the car, reflective. Henry made me the CD… Amazing on the dock eating - manor being beautiful, everyone bringing beautiful collaborative and present energy with them… wine and tipping the dock and cheese and mmm J
Cameron’s play! A lot of gender issues, the fun crowd, how intimate and good it felt, watching our mutual friend put on his art. But a little disconnected…
Cinco de mayo things - going to the party version of the photo show…
Saturday
Colorful Rosendale - south of Kingston, near high falls…a random drive, a serious twlight zone experience with this tone…barber shops that sell cigarettes and stationary…stores called “Big Cheese” that sell cheese, belly dancing belts and old shoes…and rent out empty “salsa-lessons-here” studios in the middle of this town that looks like something fresh from the wild wild west.
And Hudson…full of its usual wholeness, collision course of races, social classes and cultural conditions…antique stores, yuppy cafes, and people selling things on the street…
Burritos =)
Talk about theo and Romania and family life
Realizing all the things ive been wanting to talk about and tell her for a really long time.
Coming naturally
Bonding in a similar way , very smooth, new roles for each other
Poverty in Hudson
Talking about love and $ and school
Walking passed little flea market thing
Punk rock prom and the urban cowboy night thing, a lot of fun, ward Churchill, the movie screening, taking some time alone to shower and chill - much needed. Using my room as a haven, a back and forth place, nutella to chase down gin. Nice to be out there and dancing a little bit, seeing some people, thinking about joe and attracting his energy, seeing him, getting random brave ims from him, wondering about his drug situation…saw him go into the root cellar?? Thinking about the crowd and how they were partying, all those musicians - creative writers, socio majors and this whole musical world that they have. Heard someone rehearse earlier.
What did I eat at kline…what other little convos took place…
Slowly but surely letting go of joe…not making it about returning stories about myself and life back to him…so much he wouldn’t understand, so much I own for myself…his lack of kindness and curiosity has more than demonstrated that for me. I should let him go like he wants to be let go of. Hudson still has me, and only me, for itself and reminded me of that…its so interesting to finally see the light. For something to just one day click.
So busy, too busy and stimulated to care. Did some job hunting, tried to center myself, today was breakfast, Poughkeepsie, carlin and irina, massage, sitting by the water, the drive back, art show with the ladies, seeing Jared, transcribing poem drama like woah, dinner at kline, walking with mariel, parting with nina, eating the apple sauce, dropping it off, watching the sunset with ubax and alex, then with nina, both of us breathless and amazed at the sky. joe randomly coming out, kind of friendly…nina and brit coming in, nina doing work here warming my heart, brit and I go to the gym, we discuss things, working out takes forever for me, just couldn’t motivate to do the abs or weight life or sauna, wondering about my weight and my body image
So good to look back on how much I’ve done, how full its been, how much good bright weather - how there was the perfect blend of intense friendship and eventfulness but I remember moments of stillness, I remember enjoying stillness, randomly running into Britt in Rhinebeck, all the love of the conversations driving to Tivoli bays…a lot of good time spent with page, all of jared’s very powerful advice and analysis of me, including where he thinks I Am in life, what he thinks im capable of…
Whimsy, kindness, fullness…I am so lucky, I am so so so so so grateful. I am strong. Talking to my mom tonight was nice, she is such a wonderful person. She seems good and ok and strong. She still always inspires me. I’m coming to terms with what the criticism for my project means. Ketaki also helped a lot.
Poems poems poems
Sonya sanchez is amazing
So are the 101 one liners
Stuff about stars
So much to do but so much newness
Late night Hannaford drives and Popsicles
THESE are the memories. THESE are real.
Going to bed giddy, yes? For sure. I wish this was more reflective and in depth about impressions, everything I learned…that’s what matters a lot…but I’m hoping the images of I all are enough…
I feel so inarticulate and incompetent lately. It’s amazing how many people believe in me and try to pick my up, like nina tonight with academia talk and jared too…but I think of trying to articulate where I’ve been these past few months, the obsessiveness, the exploration and start of friendships that have been stilted…such a whirlwind, so hard to hold on to it with words…I know how I narrated this and I just learned so much about narration, the importance we give to things, the way we remember….I can’t forget everything I’ve learned from my project. So much I need to fill John in on…the landscape of my mythic reality has turned many different shades lately - went to talking with john every day to barely, went from … its just interesting how priorities and things change. Interesting to talk to liz about her future last night and hear her fears. Interesting to get up early. Or before 1 pm =)
Fb doesn’t matter as much or in the same way
Art is evolving into a new role in my life, less to prove, less in the impact…I almost want to switch mediums…Taurus is taking its toll - I’m thinking about business?!? Does this have to do with letting go of Joe?
Can I fall in love with Jared again in whole new ways? Should I just wait on all of that? I think I like Sara Slean, I think I just discovered her now…
Sometimes the city seems less and less lonely and I have a feeling life will be just as nuts and ridiculous. I keep imagining our Budapest apartment! I know it will be different - I wonder what energies all of us will bring to it.
I think about love a lot and what it means, do I have to catch my new/future lover up to/with so much? What did I learn about love and how I am in relationships from being with Joe…we told each other a lot of stories about each other…was that just the dynamic there? I always dreaded ending things and having to start all over with someone new, but there’s a thrill in that, no?
Useful to reflect this way, knowing I will have more to give to people…
“be an observer” is a piece of advice given to me lately
funny when nina called today right when I was thinking “I need something to do” and she reminded me of a key responsibility.
Not feeling myself and other times feeling myself - like now. I feel a little more in touch. I can give good advice if I tried. I do like good poetry. I like piano music. I like orgasms. Little things J Constantly inside of a moment and outside of it and all sorts of nuttiness but looking back like this reminds me that moments are full - and maybe I’m fabricating that fullness because the whole time I was in those moments I just thought about how I would be looking back at them but some of them have caught me by surprise. I love driving around the Hudson valley on the other side of the river - it feels so lived in…and yet so steady and unchanged. I love seeing Saugerties, thinking of the community, how the Hudson valley does its thing, various art galleries, workshops, etc…who is around here - writers…artists…such a loaded place. It is the closest thing to home that I have. And nyc is too in a lot of ways and I will bring a full and vibrant person to it. Ok, one hour of writing, im amazing, time to go.
-May 7