(no subject)
I can't decide on pseudonyms for my interview subjects...this is the list of Romanian names that I am sifting through: http://www.behindthename.com/nmc/rmn.php
none of their personalities seem to fit the names that I commit to for a few moments.
today was a lot about colors. meals, conversations, wind tones- everything. colors.
It was a long day, I was outside a lot. I lead this kind of paradoxical trail in my life, the more introspective and out of touch with myself I feel, the more I go outside and seek and sample and expect some kind of external stimulus and yet I'm so inverted, so disconnected from it, so so so sooo much in my own head. It's not good. I need to stop setting up these kinds of tensions and oppositions for myself.
I feel so emotionally uncomfortable right now...I'm not sure if it's because of all the time Jared and I have spent together, and how that reminds me of so much of myself and my life and him and us, our jokes, the things we write on each other's hands, the back and forth sentence correcting as we simultaneously senior project...I'm - not only am I COMPLETELY myself around him but I'm even freer than that, playful, centered, ha - too self centered...It's so weird. Sometimes I think we're a dead end street and other times I get the deepest inspiration from who he is and what we are to each other.
Or I wonder if it's about the OTHER one...yesterday would've been our sixth month anniversary, six months of joe and me...yeah big deal. but it is. for ME to have feelings for someone for that long. I wonder what he would think if he knew how much I actually care. or think about it atleast...the little obsessions, the constant thoughts, the eradic spottings around...today I had the most incredible headache because of how much mental and emotional effort I was putting in shuffling through the past few months and our past encounters. We haven't really spoken in nearly two months! WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?! How could I have made so much of this semester about that/him/us/non-us...but then I read stuff that he's written recently, I'm moved by the beauty of it, his way of seeing things, his focus and independence and consistency and I just get so transfixed on that. But what does that even mean? this can't be about him anymore - when you reach a certain imagination threshold you just obsess and turn it into something very abstract. I guess that's why it's important to stay in constact contact with someone. I do miss him. Whether it's romantic or not changes all the time, but there is this sense of injustice and this really inorganic rupturing that occured between the connection we made last semester...But I worry if, even as friends, we'll fall into the same patterns, if we still won't really communicate well, if there will still be some kind of wall. I don't have that with too many people,I don't know if it's me or him or us.
Maybe this isn't about either of them...maybe it's about the way my eyes instantaneously fill with tears and I want to just drop to the floor when I hear the word graduation...not to be melodramatic or anything. maybe I'm panicking that there are so many things to still experience and so many people to get to know, to un-know, etc before time is up. maybe I just have a really bad feeling about what's next...woah I'm way too into these ellipses...
BRAVE is up and running again...They were showing a video in the campus center today and Lauryn's face was absolutley stunning and sophisticated and she was saying something...then Jackie...then Onician...It was another "I just want to fall to the floor" moment...My liver just sank. I wanted to tell everyone there a dozen stories. Most of the new BRAVE people are first year students. There were a few sophomores, maybe one junior....There is just SO much history there - so much. The clothes line project is up too. I'm glad it's back but I have so many mixed feelings. I asked Jared to walk around the path and read the t-shirts with me, like we did when we were visiting Bard in April 2002 - was it the 21st? the 24th? the same day it was that we broke up, officially, last year......anyway....the effect just wasn't the same - but it was about the shirts...The energy and awareness and fervor just isn't surging around campus like it used to. I'm sure it will, I'm sure they will do new beautiful things but I'm letting my nostalgia consume me right now. The old man in Red Hook who sold all those trinkets and had so many stories apparently closed shop. The store was completely empty when I walked passed it today. Not a shelf in sight. The burrito stand isn't coming back because the woman who runs is it having a baby. My room is soooooooooooo full of stuff, I have to bring some things home this weekend...the last weekend I'll be driving back home as a Bard student.
OH. MY. GOD. STOP. BEING. STUPID.
the cherry trees are beautiful and nina was very goddess-like today and I had a nice time driving around with Joana, talking to Marika and thinking about her adventures. I miss Amit. I miss my little brother, I miss not worrying about his sanity. I miss writing good things and ....
I love "smart water" bottles.
I hate how much time and energy I waste
and I just feel like I'm running around in circles
working through the tensions in my life and identity and relations and blabla. I need to get up early tomorrow. and deal with things.
tonight in COE this wonderful girl taught a lesson on yoga and chakra energy flow etc, it was really good, we did it outside, in a circle, and at the end we went into a meditation session and by the time we opened our eyes again the sun was completely set. I love the energy she sent over to us. I love everyone and everything they have to offer, people never fail to astound me. Emma and her charm, Colin and his music ambition, I can't believe he's leaving but I'm sure I'll see him again... uuuggghhh why am I such a cheeseball right now.
anyway, yoga, incredible, very centering, brought me back to the present in such a refreshing way, reminded me of our universality, of the questions I've pursued, the answers I've found, the complete irrelevance of both of those things.
We were all so relaxed. The energy between us all, later during the discussion, felt very transparent and intermingled. When Bard students bond, damn, its beautiful. a lot of honesty and sophistication and silliness at the same time. Amy was talking about her background in dancing, using up space...I love how comfortable she is in her own skin, it permeates into all elements of her personality and identity. Life, America, everything...would be so different if we all started our days with yogas, or infusions of all kinds of different cultural realities...different forms of communication, collaboration, vulnerability, creativity, body-centered, energy-centered, thought-centered...a lot of virtue in that.
Theo and I are talking...he brings me back to a spiritual side of myself too. he is so aware of himself, constantly moving and changing and doing new things...he knows all these yoga poses, has reformated his photography approach...everyone seems to be doing so much and I feel like I'm standing still when so much is moving and shifting around me...but I guess that's my own fault. I need to figure out how to be fluid with all this. And the 140 pg senior project I have been writing isn't exactly "standing still" either so maybe I should give myself more credit.
I miss pisces. this year, few things will top the potency of the piscean experience and its lingering after taste. taurus soon...
none of their personalities seem to fit the names that I commit to for a few moments.
today was a lot about colors. meals, conversations, wind tones- everything. colors.
It was a long day, I was outside a lot. I lead this kind of paradoxical trail in my life, the more introspective and out of touch with myself I feel, the more I go outside and seek and sample and expect some kind of external stimulus and yet I'm so inverted, so disconnected from it, so so so sooo much in my own head. It's not good. I need to stop setting up these kinds of tensions and oppositions for myself.
I feel so emotionally uncomfortable right now...I'm not sure if it's because of all the time Jared and I have spent together, and how that reminds me of so much of myself and my life and him and us, our jokes, the things we write on each other's hands, the back and forth sentence correcting as we simultaneously senior project...I'm - not only am I COMPLETELY myself around him but I'm even freer than that, playful, centered, ha - too self centered...It's so weird. Sometimes I think we're a dead end street and other times I get the deepest inspiration from who he is and what we are to each other.
Or I wonder if it's about the OTHER one...yesterday would've been our sixth month anniversary, six months of joe and me...yeah big deal. but it is. for ME to have feelings for someone for that long. I wonder what he would think if he knew how much I actually care. or think about it atleast...the little obsessions, the constant thoughts, the eradic spottings around...today I had the most incredible headache because of how much mental and emotional effort I was putting in shuffling through the past few months and our past encounters. We haven't really spoken in nearly two months! WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?! How could I have made so much of this semester about that/him/us/non-us...but then I read stuff that he's written recently, I'm moved by the beauty of it, his way of seeing things, his focus and independence and consistency and I just get so transfixed on that. But what does that even mean? this can't be about him anymore - when you reach a certain imagination threshold you just obsess and turn it into something very abstract. I guess that's why it's important to stay in constact contact with someone. I do miss him. Whether it's romantic or not changes all the time, but there is this sense of injustice and this really inorganic rupturing that occured between the connection we made last semester...But I worry if, even as friends, we'll fall into the same patterns, if we still won't really communicate well, if there will still be some kind of wall. I don't have that with too many people,I don't know if it's me or him or us.
Maybe this isn't about either of them...maybe it's about the way my eyes instantaneously fill with tears and I want to just drop to the floor when I hear the word graduation...not to be melodramatic or anything. maybe I'm panicking that there are so many things to still experience and so many people to get to know, to un-know, etc before time is up. maybe I just have a really bad feeling about what's next...woah I'm way too into these ellipses...
BRAVE is up and running again...They were showing a video in the campus center today and Lauryn's face was absolutley stunning and sophisticated and she was saying something...then Jackie...then Onician...It was another "I just want to fall to the floor" moment...My liver just sank. I wanted to tell everyone there a dozen stories. Most of the new BRAVE people are first year students. There were a few sophomores, maybe one junior....There is just SO much history there - so much. The clothes line project is up too. I'm glad it's back but I have so many mixed feelings. I asked Jared to walk around the path and read the t-shirts with me, like we did when we were visiting Bard in April 2002 - was it the 21st? the 24th? the same day it was that we broke up, officially, last year......anyway....the effect just wasn't the same - but it was about the shirts...The energy and awareness and fervor just isn't surging around campus like it used to. I'm sure it will, I'm sure they will do new beautiful things but I'm letting my nostalgia consume me right now. The old man in Red Hook who sold all those trinkets and had so many stories apparently closed shop. The store was completely empty when I walked passed it today. Not a shelf in sight. The burrito stand isn't coming back because the woman who runs is it having a baby. My room is soooooooooooo full of stuff, I have to bring some things home this weekend...the last weekend I'll be driving back home as a Bard student.
OH. MY. GOD. STOP. BEING. STUPID.
the cherry trees are beautiful and nina was very goddess-like today and I had a nice time driving around with Joana, talking to Marika and thinking about her adventures. I miss Amit. I miss my little brother, I miss not worrying about his sanity. I miss writing good things and ....
I love "smart water" bottles.
I hate how much time and energy I waste
and I just feel like I'm running around in circles
working through the tensions in my life and identity and relations and blabla. I need to get up early tomorrow. and deal with things.
tonight in COE this wonderful girl taught a lesson on yoga and chakra energy flow etc, it was really good, we did it outside, in a circle, and at the end we went into a meditation session and by the time we opened our eyes again the sun was completely set. I love the energy she sent over to us. I love everyone and everything they have to offer, people never fail to astound me. Emma and her charm, Colin and his music ambition, I can't believe he's leaving but I'm sure I'll see him again... uuuggghhh why am I such a cheeseball right now.
anyway, yoga, incredible, very centering, brought me back to the present in such a refreshing way, reminded me of our universality, of the questions I've pursued, the answers I've found, the complete irrelevance of both of those things.
We were all so relaxed. The energy between us all, later during the discussion, felt very transparent and intermingled. When Bard students bond, damn, its beautiful. a lot of honesty and sophistication and silliness at the same time. Amy was talking about her background in dancing, using up space...I love how comfortable she is in her own skin, it permeates into all elements of her personality and identity. Life, America, everything...would be so different if we all started our days with yogas, or infusions of all kinds of different cultural realities...different forms of communication, collaboration, vulnerability, creativity, body-centered, energy-centered, thought-centered...a lot of virtue in that.
Theo and I are talking...he brings me back to a spiritual side of myself too. he is so aware of himself, constantly moving and changing and doing new things...he knows all these yoga poses, has reformated his photography approach...everyone seems to be doing so much and I feel like I'm standing still when so much is moving and shifting around me...but I guess that's my own fault. I need to figure out how to be fluid with all this. And the 140 pg senior project I have been writing isn't exactly "standing still" either so maybe I should give myself more credit.
I miss pisces. this year, few things will top the potency of the piscean experience and its lingering after taste. taurus soon...