new times.
Anyway...
Liz is in my room, way past her usual hours of operation, editing through a final copy of her project. It's beautiful :) truly :)
Gleaning through the tapestry of this past year...it feels like an impossible rendering sometimes.
and other times, little things bring me back...maps of India (wondering how that Indian lit class is going, wondering where inside of me Arundhati Roy has gone...) brown hair (yes, its triggering), t-shirt framed skin, allusions to woodstock, piercings?! other people's piercings?! wtf is my problem...
oh carlin just came over to discuss things. oh senior year sleeping schedules. 3am mini parties... going to get some ice cream from the rootcellar. maybe some veggie burritos too...
we are all talking in the same voice that our projects are written in. all I talk about is memory and identity and narratives...especially with all the angry and emotional people I've been encountering. Everyone else discusses social coding or french imperialism :) it's really amusing, I wonder how long this will last.
i have many other things to say and discuss but, clearly, not now.
I think one of the most frustrating things about this time period right now is constantly having to put things off, as if wholeness will suddenly descend if I compact it all into the last weeks of the semester...I know that's not how things work - which is part of why I try to get my gym schedule, night walks, long letters, good poetry, painting sessions and memory making sessions on track so I don't have regrets and so I don't miss out on how much there really is to take advantage of before it's all over. Nina and I have a long list of plans...everything from crepe parties to north ny hikes to painting toe nails to goof off theme parties to tying up loose emotional ends...
carlin came by manor the other night and it was so crazy to be in a room with her and Jared again - flashback to freshman year only we're all on completely different footholds with everything...and yet, all the chemistry was the same - the humor...
Irina and I had a talk...I couldn't believe how self centered and egocentric I've been - it hit me like a brick wall, entered every part of me.
I've come out the other end with it and it's a good place to be - as much as it hurts...to get shaked out of your own drama and really see people and situations for what they are. thinking about other people's needs... sometimes you're more safe enveloped in your ego but damn you're a lot more mature when someone who really cares about you, and knows you truly do care about them, slips you out of that somehow. then again, sometimes I'm fucking up and I don't realize it, who knows...speaking up helps me know. basically.
it would be nice to function during normal waking hours so I can see everyone I want to see...
I'm still in love with and/or obsessed with strangers who are only peripherally involved in my actual life. I'm still worried about my bro's depression, I still have a disturbing physical condition that doesn't make me very comfortable, I still think about san francisco and that woman's house - or rather, her warehouse apartment which was in a larger warehouse full of other warehouse apartments, where she held a concert in her "living room" and there was art all over her walls...the best part was talking to her at the end of the show and hearing the story behind all these things. everything from plaster casted breast formations - which she apparently used for this feminist play she put on - it was part of someone's costume - the costume was basically a person adorned in multiple breast castings :), and children's drawings that said "we need bigger guns" which deeply disturbed her until someone told her it was a movie quote, and Anne Frank etchings and solo guitar strings holding up clothes and wall carvings and doodles that she said her friend's made during a cave-man party that she threw...
here she's telling me about her "anal mucus" band poster and junk yards and chairs and all her friend's questions...
Ok, maybe the best part of this was holding the REAL stories to the stories I inferred before I talked to her, up to the light.
i should post some more pics but some other time...
im out, burrito time
Liz is in my room, way past her usual hours of operation, editing through a final copy of her project. It's beautiful :) truly :)
Gleaning through the tapestry of this past year...it feels like an impossible rendering sometimes.
and other times, little things bring me back...maps of India (wondering how that Indian lit class is going, wondering where inside of me Arundhati Roy has gone...) brown hair (yes, its triggering), t-shirt framed skin, allusions to woodstock, piercings?! other people's piercings?! wtf is my problem...
oh carlin just came over to discuss things. oh senior year sleeping schedules. 3am mini parties... going to get some ice cream from the rootcellar. maybe some veggie burritos too...
we are all talking in the same voice that our projects are written in. all I talk about is memory and identity and narratives...especially with all the angry and emotional people I've been encountering. Everyone else discusses social coding or french imperialism :) it's really amusing, I wonder how long this will last.
i have many other things to say and discuss but, clearly, not now.
I think one of the most frustrating things about this time period right now is constantly having to put things off, as if wholeness will suddenly descend if I compact it all into the last weeks of the semester...I know that's not how things work - which is part of why I try to get my gym schedule, night walks, long letters, good poetry, painting sessions and memory making sessions on track so I don't have regrets and so I don't miss out on how much there really is to take advantage of before it's all over. Nina and I have a long list of plans...everything from crepe parties to north ny hikes to painting toe nails to goof off theme parties to tying up loose emotional ends...
carlin came by manor the other night and it was so crazy to be in a room with her and Jared again - flashback to freshman year only we're all on completely different footholds with everything...and yet, all the chemistry was the same - the humor...
Irina and I had a talk...I couldn't believe how self centered and egocentric I've been - it hit me like a brick wall, entered every part of me.
I've come out the other end with it and it's a good place to be - as much as it hurts...to get shaked out of your own drama and really see people and situations for what they are. thinking about other people's needs... sometimes you're more safe enveloped in your ego but damn you're a lot more mature when someone who really cares about you, and knows you truly do care about them, slips you out of that somehow. then again, sometimes I'm fucking up and I don't realize it, who knows...speaking up helps me know. basically.
it would be nice to function during normal waking hours so I can see everyone I want to see...
I'm still in love with and/or obsessed with strangers who are only peripherally involved in my actual life. I'm still worried about my bro's depression, I still have a disturbing physical condition that doesn't make me very comfortable, I still think about san francisco and that woman's house - or rather, her warehouse apartment which was in a larger warehouse full of other warehouse apartments, where she held a concert in her "living room" and there was art all over her walls...the best part was talking to her at the end of the show and hearing the story behind all these things. everything from plaster casted breast formations - which she apparently used for this feminist play she put on - it was part of someone's costume - the costume was basically a person adorned in multiple breast castings :), and children's drawings that said "we need bigger guns" which deeply disturbed her until someone told her it was a movie quote, and Anne Frank etchings and solo guitar strings holding up clothes and wall carvings and doodles that she said her friend's made during a cave-man party that she threw...
here she's telling me about her "anal mucus" band poster and junk yards and chairs and all her friend's questions...
Ok, maybe the best part of this was holding the REAL stories to the stories I inferred before I talked to her, up to the light.
i should post some more pics but some other time...
im out, burrito time