(no subject)
damn, what do you do when you finally talk to your ex's new girlfriend and you realize she's actually pretty damn cool and addictivly interesting? I dunno, cry? and then be happy for them.
yeah.
I'm senior projecting in manor right now. behind doors we slid shut and with mock candle light bulbs shining our way...there's a party happening but I'm so into my project (obviously!) and just kind of emotionally involved. so many books on the table. Nina and Joana are so beautiful and intent on their reading - I just can never express how proud I am of the people around me....they're incredible. in-fucking-credible. more tears. what is this. blah im feeling too sorry for myself right now to write something good. maybe later. when I'm not a mess. nina's going to hit me if I start with the "what did I do wrong, why am I not enough" blablablabla bullshit. Have I learned NOTHING this past year? Apparently not - or maybe I learned enough the first time around that it would be mad cool to just peace out of these situations. word.
I was thinking earlier, about how I was putting up some message that certain people would probably see, and I asked John what he thought of it and he said "I love it, it's so you" and my gut reaction was to say "ugh, no, then I need to re-write it" what the fuck is that....why am I trying to be someone - for someone - who couldn't give a shit about me - who I don't want to be with anyway since it apparently wasn't working out...why? Every defense mechanism and obsessive issue defined and determined by my vulnerable youth - or some shit - rears its ugly head and constructs my subjectivity in this really explicit way. It's like a huge flourescent light over my life that says look at what a tool you are, who freaks out like this? Way to distinguish yourself from the rest of society. I mean everyone's got their demons to confront but come now. In addition to which, my neurosis (aka heart ache or whatever) has been so bad lately that I know when I look back to all this, and my lens is completely different, I'll wonder why I didn't do certain things, why I did other things, and I'll have to justify and recount to myself, sheepishly, all this foolishness. So, for your own sake, grow up. I just want to go drink wine and sit outside...under a lot of warm blankets or with special people or look at peoples' photos and learn about them or knit with my girl at the astor home or make stationary. a good movie. a lot of laughing. and so what if that's not what he would like, its what I've got, its not so bad. And I need to open my fucking eyes and see who things are real with...people make me feel so good, they're so interesting, connections can be so real, but I'm stuck in feeling hurt. FUCK THAT. That's not me. I should've finished this chapter HOURS ago so I could go love. The night is young I guess. just let fucking go and come home. should I set up some kind of self-help "list ten things you love about yourself this week!" uuuhhh. It sucks feeling like you have nothing to offer or like you're inadequate somehow. Ah, I'm doing what my interviewee subjects did - using the second person "you" instead of saying me - I - oh the power of discursive distance.
maybe I'll just tell everyone else what I love about them and why the world needs them. That always gets me going :)
oh journals. I can't believe I'm letting this entry be public. oh well, enjoy.
yeah.
I'm senior projecting in manor right now. behind doors we slid shut and with mock candle light bulbs shining our way...there's a party happening but I'm so into my project (obviously!) and just kind of emotionally involved. so many books on the table. Nina and Joana are so beautiful and intent on their reading - I just can never express how proud I am of the people around me....they're incredible. in-fucking-credible. more tears. what is this. blah im feeling too sorry for myself right now to write something good. maybe later. when I'm not a mess. nina's going to hit me if I start with the "what did I do wrong, why am I not enough" blablablabla bullshit. Have I learned NOTHING this past year? Apparently not - or maybe I learned enough the first time around that it would be mad cool to just peace out of these situations. word.
I was thinking earlier, about how I was putting up some message that certain people would probably see, and I asked John what he thought of it and he said "I love it, it's so you" and my gut reaction was to say "ugh, no, then I need to re-write it" what the fuck is that....why am I trying to be someone - for someone - who couldn't give a shit about me - who I don't want to be with anyway since it apparently wasn't working out...why? Every defense mechanism and obsessive issue defined and determined by my vulnerable youth - or some shit - rears its ugly head and constructs my subjectivity in this really explicit way. It's like a huge flourescent light over my life that says look at what a tool you are, who freaks out like this? Way to distinguish yourself from the rest of society. I mean everyone's got their demons to confront but come now. In addition to which, my neurosis (aka heart ache or whatever) has been so bad lately that I know when I look back to all this, and my lens is completely different, I'll wonder why I didn't do certain things, why I did other things, and I'll have to justify and recount to myself, sheepishly, all this foolishness. So, for your own sake, grow up. I just want to go drink wine and sit outside...under a lot of warm blankets or with special people or look at peoples' photos and learn about them or knit with my girl at the astor home or make stationary. a good movie. a lot of laughing. and so what if that's not what he would like, its what I've got, its not so bad. And I need to open my fucking eyes and see who things are real with...people make me feel so good, they're so interesting, connections can be so real, but I'm stuck in feeling hurt. FUCK THAT. That's not me. I should've finished this chapter HOURS ago so I could go love. The night is young I guess. just let fucking go and come home. should I set up some kind of self-help "list ten things you love about yourself this week!" uuuhhh. It sucks feeling like you have nothing to offer or like you're inadequate somehow. Ah, I'm doing what my interviewee subjects did - using the second person "you" instead of saying me - I - oh the power of discursive distance.
maybe I'll just tell everyone else what I love about them and why the world needs them. That always gets me going :)
oh journals. I can't believe I'm letting this entry be public. oh well, enjoy.