The Mask You Wear - part 1
From: J. Padalecki
To: J. Ackles
What are you up to?
I think that most directors are over-rated. Today mine told me that if I wanted to do some half-assed scenes I should do TV. WTF? I really wanted to tell some truths about TV work but I was actually able keep my mouth shut. Surprised? I know I was.
And my co-star is an annoying spoiled brat who thinks she's the next big thing. Reminds me of the one I had years back in that one TV-show... How long has it been now? Is it five years already? Wonder what he's up to these days since I haven't really heard of him.
Talking about the old times, I'm kind of regretting all the times when I complained about the cold. It's really a bitch to do long days in this heat.
-J
Jared clicked send and reread the email Jensen had sent to him a few days ago. It was the first message in weeks but Jared told himself that Jensen must be just busy. While Jared's latest jobs had had him away from home for months at a time, Jensen had managed to mainly stay in LA. They had met whenever Jared was around, which in the last months had been very little. Now Jared had been filming in Hawaii for months, only flying in to LA to do quick PR before heading back to the set.
Jared hadn't even heard from Jensen in weeks, which was odd since he could still remember how they had talked on the phone during hiatus almost daily even when they were spending most of their year stuck together at work and on their day-offs too. Now, in a long time, he hadn't heard a word apart from the emails that seemed to have lessened lately. And now when Jared actually thought about it, the emails had also been somewhat odd and they had been missing the usual "come and see me bitch" in the end. Thinking back, Jared remembered actually talking to Jensen in February, just before the disastrous Valentines Day with his current girlfriend, but not after. He had tried to call a few times but he had mostly ended up playing phone tag with Jensen's voice mail. Jared hadn't really paid attention to that just thought that Jensen must be busy with some new project and would call back when he had time. To Jared's surprise, he hadn't and Jared had been getting more and more concerned.
-----
"This is Jensen Ackles. I'm not by my phone at the moment but leave a message and I'll get back to you later."
"Jen, your voice mail message is retarded. Have you actually stopped using phones? I tried to call like a hundred and twenty times last week. I'm starting to feel like a big scary stalker. Call me."
-----
From: J. Padalecki
To: J. Ackles
I googled you. That's what you get for not answering your phone. Did you know that according to a site called something like "The Awesome Ackles Avenue" you are soul-searching in Asia? Or something like that. Is that true?
The other things that I found were even weirder. But even the fangirls seem worried. What does that tell?
-J
-----
"I think Jensen's avoiding me. I sent like twenty-thousand emails and calls keep going to voice mail and he's sent me like two messages in ages," Jared blurted out as soon as Chad answered his phone.
Chad Michael Murray was quiet for a moment before clearing his throat. "Do you know what time it is?" Chad asked and Jared winced as he realized that Chad wouldn't be up this early.
"It's the time normal people are already awake," Jared said. He knew that he shouldn't be so bitchy if he actually wanted Chad to help but he was getting really frustrated with the whole situation.
"Well, I'm up then."
"Great. So what do I do?" Jared asked.
"With what? You know that I don't speak Padalecki in the morning," Chad was clearly too amused with his own clever answers.
"Jensen. He's not answering my calls. I think he's been avoiding me," Jared said even slower than it was really necessary.
"Maybe he's busy?" Chad suggested and Jared could hear rustling like he was getting out off bed.
"I imdb'd him. He's not working." Jared felt stupid as soon as it fell out of his mouth.
It took more than ten minutes for Chad to actually stop laughing. "Since when has the internet turned into a reliable source?"
"But still..." Jared tried to keep the petulant tone out off his voice with little luck. "It just pisses me off. I've been calling like usual and emailing and I get these answers that don't actually say anything. I think something's going on and he's not telling me what."
"When are you coming around?"
"A week and half tops. I have a few scenes to redo but then I'm off."
"So, why don't you just relax a bit and go to see him when you get home. Maybe he's got a perfectly good explanation and you're just being delusional."
-----
From: J. Ackles
To: J. Padalecki
I heard that Tibet is real pretty this time of year. I forgot my phone in LA. Was visiting my folks for a couple weeks.
-J
-----
From: J. Padalecki
To: J. Ackles
Soul-searching in Texas?
I'm coming to LA next week. We should hang out.
-J
-----
"This time they actually said I'm done after tomorrow," Jared told his mom on the phone.
His mom laughed. "That's what you said two weeks ago before the last delay. When are you coming to visit? Do we have to wait until Christmas?"
"I don't know. I might have to actually spend time at my house for a change. I don't even know if it's still standing since I haven't been there in such a long time," Jared said. "And you know that Sadie and Harley don't like to fly and I don't want to leave them too soon with the sitter again."
"You might still want to visit us before you forget what we look like."
Jared hated this. The guilt-trips had been worse this year since he hadn't really had any time to visit his parents. And it hadn't been just about the visiting but also about not sending real letters or postcards, just emails and text messages.
"Honey, I know that you're busy but we would actually like to see you once in a while."
"I know mom," Jared said. "I'll try to come down in a few weeks and stay over for a weekend. But the day after tomorrow I'm going home to LA. I already got the flight booked and I called the sitter and I'm going to get the dogs as soon as I get home."
His mom laughed softly. "Always thinking about the dogs first. Never anyone else."
"What can I do? I'm whipped," Jared laughed stiffly and really hoped that this wouldn't lead to the usual question about girlfriends and if he had anyone that he was bringing home. "But seriously. It's going to be so good to be home. I haven't seen anyone in a long time. Last time I was in LA they had me run around for the PR meetings and then I had to fly back."
"Do you have anything booked now?" His mom asked and Jared let out a sigh as he relaxed again when the conversation steered off the area that he had tried to avoid since the latest break up.
"No, I have a few things that I might do but I thought I could take a few months off and see if there is anything else."
They chatted about his movie for a while before the line beeped and Jared had to take a call from his assistant. He promised his mom once more that he would call as soon as he knew when he was flying to Texas and yes, he had eaten his vegetables too.
-----
A few days later shuttling around LAX trying to get his bags together, he thought of calling his mom to say that he was safely home. He let the thought go as soon as it had came to him, figuring that he was old enough not to check-in after every flight. After all he had told his mom that he would be calling in few weeks about the details for his trip over. He pocketed his phone after sending a text to the dog sitter that he would pick the dogs up later in the evening, after he took his bags home. He hadn't had time to tell anyone else that he was coming. His thoughts drifted to Jensen and he found himself smiling at the ridiculous image of phoning Jensen and announcing that he had landed safely. He knew that Jensen would laugh at him for being so lame or just call him a girl. His smile faded a little as he remembered the many attempts on trying to reach Jensen in last 48 hours. Yesterday, he had tried to call Jensen a dozen times and had even left a couple of voice mails telling him that he was back in town and would really like to hang out.
When he finally got into a cab, he was so upset about the whole thing that he just gave the driver Jensen's address without a second thought. He could just drop by and see what was going on and then go to pick up the dogs. On the way, he tried not to think too much into Jensen not answering his calls. Maybe he had just been busy. It wasn't like Jared had been trying for days, except that maybe he had been. More than just days.
Standing finally in front of Jensen’s house, Jared felt weird. They had a long history of dropping in unannounced but even then they had always been talking about it before hand. Jared had to remind himself that this was actually Jensen, his best friend, and there was no reason to feel awkward standing there with his suitcases like a stray dog. He dragged his stuff up to the door and pressed his finger firmly on the doorbell. "C'mon Ackles, open the door already," he hollered, laughing as he finally heard footsteps on the other side. The lock clicked and Jared was just about to pull Jensen into a huge bear hug when he noticed that it wasn't Jensen on the other side, but Chris Kane, looking annoyed and wearing just a bathrobe. Jared's stomach turned and for a moment he felt betrayed not even knowing why. Maybe it was because Jensen had never said anything, and Jared had thought Chris was just a friend. And because Jared had never given any indication that he couldn't be trusted with this kind of thing. Jared shook his head a bit to clear his thoughts and greeted Chris as well-mannered as he could.
"Jared." Chris nodded at him. "What are you doing here?"
"I...," Jared felt speechless for a second and laughed nervously. Loss of words wasn't a familiar feeling to him and he definitely didn't like it. "I came to see Jensen."
"Did he tell you to come?" Chris stared up at him viciously blocking the doorway. Even though Jared towered a good amount of inches over him, he felt small under Chris' stern gaze.
"No," he said. "But I've been trying to reach him. We haven't actually spoken in weeks." Jared knew his voice sounded as desperate as he felt, but Chris still didn't move from the doorway. "Is something wrong?"
Chris sighed quietly and leaned against the doorframe. "You really don't know? I thought... He said things that made me wonder. You never said you don't want to see him again, did you?"
"No," Jared said quickly. "Why would I?" He felt his heart race in his chest. Why would Jensen think that? Because the only thing that would keep Jared from him was nothing, short of hurting his mother.
Chris moved aside and let Jared in. "When was the last time you spoke to Jensen?"
"Months ago, but we've emailed since then. He said he was busy," Jared said. "Is something wrong? And since when you have become his guardian?" Jared regretted this last sentence as soon as it slipped out.
Chris looked at him sternly. "Something happened and I've been here for Jen ever since. And apparently you haven't."
"But I've been trying!" Jared exclaimed. "He doesn't answer the phone, doesn't reply to my messages and sent me like two crappy emails telling me he was busy or just plain ignored that I had been asking where he is and how he's doing!"
Chris' expression softened just a bit. "He's had this idea in his head that you may not want to see him again. I thought you had said something to him."
Jared wiped sweat off his forehead and tried to breathe calmly. "I haven't said anything, and there's nothing that would keep me from wanting to see him. Nothing," he told Chris.
"Good."
"Where is he?"
"Upstairs."
As Jared turned to rush the stairs Chris grabbed his arm roughly. "There's something you need to know. In January, Jensen had an accident. He's been hurt and it's been hard for him to deal with everything. So, do us all a favor and promise me, that if you want to freak out, don't do it in front of Jen. Just walk out."
"I promise." With that Jared headed upstairs taking three steps at a time. He was on Jensen's bedroom door in a second, and then took a moment to even his breath and calm his pounding heart. He knocked carefully and waited for an answer. Normally he would have just rushed in, but something in Chris' words made him take his time.
"Chris! I already said that I'm not going," Jensen shouted from the other side of the door. Jared pushed the door slightly open.
"Not Chris." He stepped inside and saw Jensen sitting on the edge of his bed.
"Jared." Jensen's voice is suddenly rough and Jared couldn't quite place his tone.
"Jen." Jared hesitated before stepping forward. Jensen didn't turn around like Jared would have expected and Jared had to resist the urge to rush to him. He didn't know what had happened and why Jensen thought that Jared wouldn't want to see him. Jared bit his lip and cleared his throat. "What happened?"
Jensen was still and so quiet that Jared could just barely hear his ragged breathing. "Talk to me man," Jared tried. He got closer and sat on the other side of the bed. "What's wrong? Why haven't you replied to my messages?"
Jensen shrugged. "I’ve been busy. I thought you'd be too."
"That's bull!." Jared didn't really mean to sound so angry. "I mean, we've always been able to talk about things, you know. For years you were the first one I went to when something was wrong. I would still trust you with anything." Jared knew he was just rambling, but silence scared him more than sounding stupid. "We used to be around each other so much that I kind of miss it now."
Jensen laughed quietly. "I know." He swallowed thickly and turned his head just a bit to glance at Jared. "There's just... Something happened." Jensen tilted his head to one side and Jared could sense the quiet hesitation. Jared waited, impatient, not knowing if Jensen would actually tell him what had happened or just ask him to leave. Jared could hear Chris moving downstairs, clearly close to the staircase, probably listening if Jensen needed him. But still far enough to give them the space and time they needed to talk. Jensen rubbed his eyes with one hand and continued: "And I didn't really know what to do, you know. I couldn't handle it. Didn't want to handle it." Jensen paused, just a second or two, but Jared felt like it went on forever until Jensen spoke again. "And I thought that you... that you wouldn't... I didn't want you to see me like this." Jensen was not really making any sense.
"Like what, Jen?" Jared had to ask.
"Like this."
Jared couldn't help the sharp gasp that escaped his lips, as Jensen turned around and Jared could see the other side of his face for the first time. The left side of Jensen's face looked just like he remembered. Just like Jensen was in the glossy photo he, for some reason, kept tucked in his wallet between the back seam and an old movie ticket. But the right side of his face was scarred and thick all the way from his hairline to under his collar. His right eye was milky white which created a huge contrast with his good eye that looked clear green in the bright sunlight streaming from the window.
Jensen sighed and turned away. Jared could see his shoulders hunch and he took a deep breath. "What happened?"
"Bad stunt that I should've had someone else do." Jensen rubbed his hands over his face and neck. Fingers nervously tracing along the scars on his skin. "Shouldn't have been so damn arrogant about the fact that I've done a good amount of my own stunts before."
Jared twisted the hem of his shirt in his hands as he nervously stared at Jensen's back. A million thoughts ran through his head and he tried to let out the most rational ones, but could only blurt out: "How come it didn't hit the news?"
Jensen's dry laugh echoed in the silent room and Jared could hear the bitter bite in his voice. "Not exactly Johnny Depp here. And it was only a small role in an Indie flick that no one probably paid any attention to."
"Oh." Jared felt speechless. Usually it was hard for him to be quiet if it didn't involve a scene he had to be in, or his grandmother scolding him for eating something that was supposed to be for supper. He reached out to place a hand on Jensen's shoulder. "Why didn't you want me to know?" He just had to ask because he couldn't figure out why Jensen would want to shut him out. Why wouldn't Jensen share something like this with Jared, who had really thought that they were best friends, or really close friends at least?
Jensen avoided Jared's gaze. "I don't know," he said unsurely and Jared couldn't really understand why he was lying. As Jensen didn't say anything else, Jared decided it was best to leave it for time being. He didn't really want to push Jensen because it seemed that he most likely had a problem with Jared knowing about the accident and Jared wanted to give him time to get used to that first before asking for a real explanation.
-----
Jared took a cab to home from Jensen's and called his dog sitter to get Harley and Sadie ready so he could pick them up on the way. In twenty minutes he stood on the front lawn of her house with Harley jumping on him and Sadie whining softly by his feet to get him to acknowledge her instead of Harley. He pet them both and scratched their ears as he exchanged a few words with the dogsitter about Harley’s diet. With a goodbye and a hefty check tucked into her hand, the dog sitter left Jared as he ushered the dogs into the car and told the annoyed looking taxi driver that he would pay extra for having the dogs.
At home he flipped absentmindedly through his mail dividing it into several piles according to importance. He thought about Jensen. He tried to reason why Jensen hadn't told him about the accident and ignored the feeling of hurt in his gut. Jensen probably had had just as hard a time with dealing with it himself and therefore was afraid that other people wouldn't accept him like that. 'But he told Chris', a small voice nagged in the back of Jared's head and he couldn't help recognizing the jealousy. Jensen had known Chris forever, and Chris had been around. Maybe he had found it out by himself? For some reason thinking about Chris made Jared feel like he was in third grade again and his best friend had invited someone else to see his new tree house first.
Jared let the dogs in the backyard and fingered the cell phone tucked into his pocket. He checked his watch wondering if Jensen was asleep yet and if he should call. Maybe to reassure Jensen that he wasn't freaking out. He quietly wondered if he had said or done something in the past that had made Jensen think that he would freak out because of this. He had an eerie feeling that Jensen had a point there, thinking he would freak out, because maybe he was? He couldn't really figure out, was it more of being shut out than the whole thing in general. Some part of him wanted to be mad at Jensen. Wanted to pick up his phone and yell at him for being a stupid asshole, and for not letting his best friend know that he had been in a life-threatening accident. No. Jared didn't really want to do that. He just had this sudden urge to rush back to Jensen's and keep him away from anything that seemed potentially dangerous.
part 2
To: J. Ackles
What are you up to?
I think that most directors are over-rated. Today mine told me that if I wanted to do some half-assed scenes I should do TV. WTF? I really wanted to tell some truths about TV work but I was actually able keep my mouth shut. Surprised? I know I was.
And my co-star is an annoying spoiled brat who thinks she's the next big thing. Reminds me of the one I had years back in that one TV-show... How long has it been now? Is it five years already? Wonder what he's up to these days since I haven't really heard of him.
Talking about the old times, I'm kind of regretting all the times when I complained about the cold. It's really a bitch to do long days in this heat.
-J
Jared clicked send and reread the email Jensen had sent to him a few days ago. It was the first message in weeks but Jared told himself that Jensen must be just busy. While Jared's latest jobs had had him away from home for months at a time, Jensen had managed to mainly stay in LA. They had met whenever Jared was around, which in the last months had been very little. Now Jared had been filming in Hawaii for months, only flying in to LA to do quick PR before heading back to the set.
Jared hadn't even heard from Jensen in weeks, which was odd since he could still remember how they had talked on the phone during hiatus almost daily even when they were spending most of their year stuck together at work and on their day-offs too. Now, in a long time, he hadn't heard a word apart from the emails that seemed to have lessened lately. And now when Jared actually thought about it, the emails had also been somewhat odd and they had been missing the usual "come and see me bitch" in the end. Thinking back, Jared remembered actually talking to Jensen in February, just before the disastrous Valentines Day with his current girlfriend, but not after. He had tried to call a few times but he had mostly ended up playing phone tag with Jensen's voice mail. Jared hadn't really paid attention to that just thought that Jensen must be busy with some new project and would call back when he had time. To Jared's surprise, he hadn't and Jared had been getting more and more concerned.
-----
"This is Jensen Ackles. I'm not by my phone at the moment but leave a message and I'll get back to you later."
"Jen, your voice mail message is retarded. Have you actually stopped using phones? I tried to call like a hundred and twenty times last week. I'm starting to feel like a big scary stalker. Call me."
-----
From: J. Padalecki
To: J. Ackles
I googled you. That's what you get for not answering your phone. Did you know that according to a site called something like "The Awesome Ackles Avenue" you are soul-searching in Asia? Or something like that. Is that true?
The other things that I found were even weirder. But even the fangirls seem worried. What does that tell?
-J
-----
"I think Jensen's avoiding me. I sent like twenty-thousand emails and calls keep going to voice mail and he's sent me like two messages in ages," Jared blurted out as soon as Chad answered his phone.
Chad Michael Murray was quiet for a moment before clearing his throat. "Do you know what time it is?" Chad asked and Jared winced as he realized that Chad wouldn't be up this early.
"It's the time normal people are already awake," Jared said. He knew that he shouldn't be so bitchy if he actually wanted Chad to help but he was getting really frustrated with the whole situation.
"Well, I'm up then."
"Great. So what do I do?" Jared asked.
"With what? You know that I don't speak Padalecki in the morning," Chad was clearly too amused with his own clever answers.
"Jensen. He's not answering my calls. I think he's been avoiding me," Jared said even slower than it was really necessary.
"Maybe he's busy?" Chad suggested and Jared could hear rustling like he was getting out off bed.
"I imdb'd him. He's not working." Jared felt stupid as soon as it fell out of his mouth.
It took more than ten minutes for Chad to actually stop laughing. "Since when has the internet turned into a reliable source?"
"But still..." Jared tried to keep the petulant tone out off his voice with little luck. "It just pisses me off. I've been calling like usual and emailing and I get these answers that don't actually say anything. I think something's going on and he's not telling me what."
"When are you coming around?"
"A week and half tops. I have a few scenes to redo but then I'm off."
"So, why don't you just relax a bit and go to see him when you get home. Maybe he's got a perfectly good explanation and you're just being delusional."
-----
From: J. Ackles
To: J. Padalecki
I heard that Tibet is real pretty this time of year. I forgot my phone in LA. Was visiting my folks for a couple weeks.
-J
-----
From: J. Padalecki
To: J. Ackles
Soul-searching in Texas?
I'm coming to LA next week. We should hang out.
-J
-----
"This time they actually said I'm done after tomorrow," Jared told his mom on the phone.
His mom laughed. "That's what you said two weeks ago before the last delay. When are you coming to visit? Do we have to wait until Christmas?"
"I don't know. I might have to actually spend time at my house for a change. I don't even know if it's still standing since I haven't been there in such a long time," Jared said. "And you know that Sadie and Harley don't like to fly and I don't want to leave them too soon with the sitter again."
"You might still want to visit us before you forget what we look like."
Jared hated this. The guilt-trips had been worse this year since he hadn't really had any time to visit his parents. And it hadn't been just about the visiting but also about not sending real letters or postcards, just emails and text messages.
"Honey, I know that you're busy but we would actually like to see you once in a while."
"I know mom," Jared said. "I'll try to come down in a few weeks and stay over for a weekend. But the day after tomorrow I'm going home to LA. I already got the flight booked and I called the sitter and I'm going to get the dogs as soon as I get home."
His mom laughed softly. "Always thinking about the dogs first. Never anyone else."
"What can I do? I'm whipped," Jared laughed stiffly and really hoped that this wouldn't lead to the usual question about girlfriends and if he had anyone that he was bringing home. "But seriously. It's going to be so good to be home. I haven't seen anyone in a long time. Last time I was in LA they had me run around for the PR meetings and then I had to fly back."
"Do you have anything booked now?" His mom asked and Jared let out a sigh as he relaxed again when the conversation steered off the area that he had tried to avoid since the latest break up.
"No, I have a few things that I might do but I thought I could take a few months off and see if there is anything else."
They chatted about his movie for a while before the line beeped and Jared had to take a call from his assistant. He promised his mom once more that he would call as soon as he knew when he was flying to Texas and yes, he had eaten his vegetables too.
-----
A few days later shuttling around LAX trying to get his bags together, he thought of calling his mom to say that he was safely home. He let the thought go as soon as it had came to him, figuring that he was old enough not to check-in after every flight. After all he had told his mom that he would be calling in few weeks about the details for his trip over. He pocketed his phone after sending a text to the dog sitter that he would pick the dogs up later in the evening, after he took his bags home. He hadn't had time to tell anyone else that he was coming. His thoughts drifted to Jensen and he found himself smiling at the ridiculous image of phoning Jensen and announcing that he had landed safely. He knew that Jensen would laugh at him for being so lame or just call him a girl. His smile faded a little as he remembered the many attempts on trying to reach Jensen in last 48 hours. Yesterday, he had tried to call Jensen a dozen times and had even left a couple of voice mails telling him that he was back in town and would really like to hang out.
When he finally got into a cab, he was so upset about the whole thing that he just gave the driver Jensen's address without a second thought. He could just drop by and see what was going on and then go to pick up the dogs. On the way, he tried not to think too much into Jensen not answering his calls. Maybe he had just been busy. It wasn't like Jared had been trying for days, except that maybe he had been. More than just days.
Standing finally in front of Jensen’s house, Jared felt weird. They had a long history of dropping in unannounced but even then they had always been talking about it before hand. Jared had to remind himself that this was actually Jensen, his best friend, and there was no reason to feel awkward standing there with his suitcases like a stray dog. He dragged his stuff up to the door and pressed his finger firmly on the doorbell. "C'mon Ackles, open the door already," he hollered, laughing as he finally heard footsteps on the other side. The lock clicked and Jared was just about to pull Jensen into a huge bear hug when he noticed that it wasn't Jensen on the other side, but Chris Kane, looking annoyed and wearing just a bathrobe. Jared's stomach turned and for a moment he felt betrayed not even knowing why. Maybe it was because Jensen had never said anything, and Jared had thought Chris was just a friend. And because Jared had never given any indication that he couldn't be trusted with this kind of thing. Jared shook his head a bit to clear his thoughts and greeted Chris as well-mannered as he could.
"Jared." Chris nodded at him. "What are you doing here?"
"I...," Jared felt speechless for a second and laughed nervously. Loss of words wasn't a familiar feeling to him and he definitely didn't like it. "I came to see Jensen."
"Did he tell you to come?" Chris stared up at him viciously blocking the doorway. Even though Jared towered a good amount of inches over him, he felt small under Chris' stern gaze.
"No," he said. "But I've been trying to reach him. We haven't actually spoken in weeks." Jared knew his voice sounded as desperate as he felt, but Chris still didn't move from the doorway. "Is something wrong?"
Chris sighed quietly and leaned against the doorframe. "You really don't know? I thought... He said things that made me wonder. You never said you don't want to see him again, did you?"
"No," Jared said quickly. "Why would I?" He felt his heart race in his chest. Why would Jensen think that? Because the only thing that would keep Jared from him was nothing, short of hurting his mother.
Chris moved aside and let Jared in. "When was the last time you spoke to Jensen?"
"Months ago, but we've emailed since then. He said he was busy," Jared said. "Is something wrong? And since when you have become his guardian?" Jared regretted this last sentence as soon as it slipped out.
Chris looked at him sternly. "Something happened and I've been here for Jen ever since. And apparently you haven't."
"But I've been trying!" Jared exclaimed. "He doesn't answer the phone, doesn't reply to my messages and sent me like two crappy emails telling me he was busy or just plain ignored that I had been asking where he is and how he's doing!"
Chris' expression softened just a bit. "He's had this idea in his head that you may not want to see him again. I thought you had said something to him."
Jared wiped sweat off his forehead and tried to breathe calmly. "I haven't said anything, and there's nothing that would keep me from wanting to see him. Nothing," he told Chris.
"Good."
"Where is he?"
"Upstairs."
As Jared turned to rush the stairs Chris grabbed his arm roughly. "There's something you need to know. In January, Jensen had an accident. He's been hurt and it's been hard for him to deal with everything. So, do us all a favor and promise me, that if you want to freak out, don't do it in front of Jen. Just walk out."
"I promise." With that Jared headed upstairs taking three steps at a time. He was on Jensen's bedroom door in a second, and then took a moment to even his breath and calm his pounding heart. He knocked carefully and waited for an answer. Normally he would have just rushed in, but something in Chris' words made him take his time.
"Chris! I already said that I'm not going," Jensen shouted from the other side of the door. Jared pushed the door slightly open.
"Not Chris." He stepped inside and saw Jensen sitting on the edge of his bed.
"Jared." Jensen's voice is suddenly rough and Jared couldn't quite place his tone.
"Jen." Jared hesitated before stepping forward. Jensen didn't turn around like Jared would have expected and Jared had to resist the urge to rush to him. He didn't know what had happened and why Jensen thought that Jared wouldn't want to see him. Jared bit his lip and cleared his throat. "What happened?"
Jensen was still and so quiet that Jared could just barely hear his ragged breathing. "Talk to me man," Jared tried. He got closer and sat on the other side of the bed. "What's wrong? Why haven't you replied to my messages?"
Jensen shrugged. "I’ve been busy. I thought you'd be too."
"That's bull!." Jared didn't really mean to sound so angry. "I mean, we've always been able to talk about things, you know. For years you were the first one I went to when something was wrong. I would still trust you with anything." Jared knew he was just rambling, but silence scared him more than sounding stupid. "We used to be around each other so much that I kind of miss it now."
Jensen laughed quietly. "I know." He swallowed thickly and turned his head just a bit to glance at Jared. "There's just... Something happened." Jensen tilted his head to one side and Jared could sense the quiet hesitation. Jared waited, impatient, not knowing if Jensen would actually tell him what had happened or just ask him to leave. Jared could hear Chris moving downstairs, clearly close to the staircase, probably listening if Jensen needed him. But still far enough to give them the space and time they needed to talk. Jensen rubbed his eyes with one hand and continued: "And I didn't really know what to do, you know. I couldn't handle it. Didn't want to handle it." Jensen paused, just a second or two, but Jared felt like it went on forever until Jensen spoke again. "And I thought that you... that you wouldn't... I didn't want you to see me like this." Jensen was not really making any sense.
"Like what, Jen?" Jared had to ask.
"Like this."
Jared couldn't help the sharp gasp that escaped his lips, as Jensen turned around and Jared could see the other side of his face for the first time. The left side of Jensen's face looked just like he remembered. Just like Jensen was in the glossy photo he, for some reason, kept tucked in his wallet between the back seam and an old movie ticket. But the right side of his face was scarred and thick all the way from his hairline to under his collar. His right eye was milky white which created a huge contrast with his good eye that looked clear green in the bright sunlight streaming from the window.
Jensen sighed and turned away. Jared could see his shoulders hunch and he took a deep breath. "What happened?"
"Bad stunt that I should've had someone else do." Jensen rubbed his hands over his face and neck. Fingers nervously tracing along the scars on his skin. "Shouldn't have been so damn arrogant about the fact that I've done a good amount of my own stunts before."
Jared twisted the hem of his shirt in his hands as he nervously stared at Jensen's back. A million thoughts ran through his head and he tried to let out the most rational ones, but could only blurt out: "How come it didn't hit the news?"
Jensen's dry laugh echoed in the silent room and Jared could hear the bitter bite in his voice. "Not exactly Johnny Depp here. And it was only a small role in an Indie flick that no one probably paid any attention to."
"Oh." Jared felt speechless. Usually it was hard for him to be quiet if it didn't involve a scene he had to be in, or his grandmother scolding him for eating something that was supposed to be for supper. He reached out to place a hand on Jensen's shoulder. "Why didn't you want me to know?" He just had to ask because he couldn't figure out why Jensen would want to shut him out. Why wouldn't Jensen share something like this with Jared, who had really thought that they were best friends, or really close friends at least?
Jensen avoided Jared's gaze. "I don't know," he said unsurely and Jared couldn't really understand why he was lying. As Jensen didn't say anything else, Jared decided it was best to leave it for time being. He didn't really want to push Jensen because it seemed that he most likely had a problem with Jared knowing about the accident and Jared wanted to give him time to get used to that first before asking for a real explanation.
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Jared took a cab to home from Jensen's and called his dog sitter to get Harley and Sadie ready so he could pick them up on the way. In twenty minutes he stood on the front lawn of her house with Harley jumping on him and Sadie whining softly by his feet to get him to acknowledge her instead of Harley. He pet them both and scratched their ears as he exchanged a few words with the dogsitter about Harley’s diet. With a goodbye and a hefty check tucked into her hand, the dog sitter left Jared as he ushered the dogs into the car and told the annoyed looking taxi driver that he would pay extra for having the dogs.
At home he flipped absentmindedly through his mail dividing it into several piles according to importance. He thought about Jensen. He tried to reason why Jensen hadn't told him about the accident and ignored the feeling of hurt in his gut. Jensen probably had had just as hard a time with dealing with it himself and therefore was afraid that other people wouldn't accept him like that. 'But he told Chris', a small voice nagged in the back of Jared's head and he couldn't help recognizing the jealousy. Jensen had known Chris forever, and Chris had been around. Maybe he had found it out by himself? For some reason thinking about Chris made Jared feel like he was in third grade again and his best friend had invited someone else to see his new tree house first.
Jared let the dogs in the backyard and fingered the cell phone tucked into his pocket. He checked his watch wondering if Jensen was asleep yet and if he should call. Maybe to reassure Jensen that he wasn't freaking out. He quietly wondered if he had said or done something in the past that had made Jensen think that he would freak out because of this. He had an eerie feeling that Jensen had a point there, thinking he would freak out, because maybe he was? He couldn't really figure out, was it more of being shut out than the whole thing in general. Some part of him wanted to be mad at Jensen. Wanted to pick up his phone and yell at him for being a stupid asshole, and for not letting his best friend know that he had been in a life-threatening accident. No. Jared didn't really want to do that. He just had this sudden urge to rush back to Jensen's and keep him away from anything that seemed potentially dangerous.
part 2