Time, where did you go?
I don't get it.
For the past year I've been all about school work. Accomplishing shit BEFORE it's due. Or at least being able to sit down and fucking focus. But I can't do that at home, it's usually much better done at school. But even so.
Knowing this, all my teachers decided to give me extensions on my projects this week. I told them they'd all be done by Tuesday, because I mean..a three day weekend? Perfect. And here I am. I've actually gone on AIM. AIM. I don't go on AIM. I WATCHED COLD CASE. Okay? I'm going out of my way to avoid this shit. And it's not just projects I have to do. I have to write another essay for college, I have to pick up monologues, and that Lance Armstrong book. I have to finish my outside reading book. I have to file my taxes by the end of the month. I have to apply for scholarships by the end of the month. Oh, and I start college, the senior class play AND mid-terms this week.
What the hell is my problem? I mean. I haven't even spent any time with Derek this weekend, like. It's not that things are blatantly BETTER than doing my homework. It's not like "I would have, but this opportunity was so much more enticing!" it's more like "I would..but I could also sit, do nothing, and maybe slit my wrists later.."
I've noticed that this random streak of ninth grade laziness, mixed with eating? Has become a problem. I've concentrated so much on sleeping, and doing what I want to WHEN I want to, it's as if I've grown just immune to my meds or something. It's almost as if I don't take them anymore. Like..look at my car. It's FILTH. I don't drive a dirty car, people. Even the little things that used to motivate me, like appearance have just fallen useless.
I mean..obviously this is my fault. I'm not blaming anyone or anything, but to be quite honest..the only thing I can attribute this all to is the weather.
Between the months of January and March, I'm rendered practically useless. I can never survive. Once mid-terms happen..I'm just done. I never do good on Mid-terms. I'm alright at finals. But Mid-Terms have always sucked. And naturally, there's even MORE college shit I'm going to have to do.
When does this end? I know when this ends. I know when it should end. But at the rate I'm going..it's never going to. And if it does..it's because it came to a slow stop due to lack of movement.
And what am I doing? I'm doing Cameron's homework. It's like..I'll clean my friends' room, but not mine. What is it about doing things for OURSELVES that are always so difficult?
I'm not complaining. It's just. I can't figure this out. I know that it's like..watching those fat people documentaries..they're chowing down a chicken wing, crying because they'll never be thin. And the answer is clear, "Well stop fucking eating!" just as it is now "Well shut up and just do it!"
But for some reason, I can't bring myself to do it. It's like..prolonging breaking someone's heart.
And what is it about hearts? Is it just me, or 'tis the season to rekindle?
Well. I'm hoping not. Because honestly..with what I have on my plate now..I don't think I could handle rekindling shit that I got used to being gone.
And that's another thing. Okay, story time.
My really good friend was dating this gorgeous girl for about three years. Recently, they broke up, and now he is dating one of my best friends. Just to give you an impersonal note as to what happened..she broke up with him. He didn't really do anything wrong..but. She just wasn't feeling like he loved her anymore. Plus, she dated him from when she was like..17 and now she's around 21 and he was all she knew. Granted, the past few months..things have been falling apart. Calling each other, fighting. The poor guy would constantly get upset..but when she finally ended it. He broke down. After a while..she would come back to him, no strings attached. And then when he recently started dating my friend, she got upset, they fought, and now they don't speak. Anyway, the other day, he was paid a visit by her friends and they delivered him a gift bag. Inside was a camera. When he turned it on, the pictures were all deleted. Instead, they were in an envelope. She'd gotten all of his pictures developed. And there they were. As he sifted through them. Pictures of him and her. The most gorgeous couple you'd ever see. Standing on rocky cliffs, looking down at the water. Smiling, hair in the breeze. Some where on her bed. Nothing personal, just him smiling..the happiest smile I'd ever seen. They were at parties. Each others houses. Blowing out candles. She was wearing something odd and colourful, smiling like a princess. I've seen him happy before..but these pictures were adorable. Along with them, she decided to send him a bag of Smarties with a note saying to keep them in his glove compartment in case of emergencies on those long nights. Apparently, on their first date..when he drove her home, he was falling asleep so she fed him Smarties.
This man has been so happy lately. Mainly because of my friend. He claims he loves her. He claims there's no way she's a rebound. She couldn't possibly be. They're obnoxiously adorable together (obnoxious being operative). But I have seen couples lately who have broken up because they WERE in fact rebounds..they just didn't know it. Isn't it possible to date someone for all the wrong reasons, but not even be aware?
Anyway, he started crying. He was actually crying. And I asked why, and he said that he missed her. He didn't want her back. But he missed her.
He missed the way his life was. The fact that everything he knows he learned either with her or from her. He missed her family. He missed it all. He doesn't want to go back..but he missed it.
And I started to get upset, myself. We talked about death. How those tears weren't tears of longing, but just mourning. Parts of our lives are dying. And most parts we dont realize, have very sudden deaths. I don't want him back in my life. Not at all. But I miss him sometimes. When i have something clever to say. When I want an argument about something trivial. That's what I miss. I miss my dad living here. I miss being younger and naive. I miss being an immature freshman who wandered the malls looking for Converses.
I would never want to go back to that. I would never want to live with my dad. Be six years old. Cry because someone hates me. Be with him under a sunny window with all the time in the world. I wouldn't want to live that again. It's like Rosie said in Harriet the Spy "I never go back, only forward." And at that time, I was dying to know why, and I've been realizing it more and more. You just can't. Too much has happened. Whether my friend IS his rebound and he doesn't know it..or he genuinely loves being with her..he misses his ex girlfriend. How could he not? And though what she did was shitty, I would have done the same thing. Because it sucks..feeling like you were forgotten by someone. It sucks feeling like you meant so much to a person, as they meant something to you..and now it's as if it's nothing.
Sometimes, if I look hard enough toward the other side of the room, I'll think about it. I'll think about how we don't talk, or even look at each other. How we know nothing about each other's lives. But it's not even in a way were there's hate. If there were animosity, there'd be a reason for it. But there's nothing. It's like we never were. It's honest to god as if this was Eternal Sunshine..and we just DON'T know that we had a history together.
The past is just full of apathy. And the future, full of vague fear. For the first time in my life I don't know WHERE I'll be a year from now. Where I'll live, who I'll love, what I'll be doing, who I'll be friends with, where my mom will live, where anything is. Come August EVERYTHING as I know is either going to end, or change.
There's nothing I can predict.
Maybe then, I'll cry because I miss this. But as I'm looking at a blank word document..trying as hard as I can to write someone's homework that's not even mine..I highly doubt I'd ever want to come back.
xo
For the past year I've been all about school work. Accomplishing shit BEFORE it's due. Or at least being able to sit down and fucking focus. But I can't do that at home, it's usually much better done at school. But even so.
Knowing this, all my teachers decided to give me extensions on my projects this week. I told them they'd all be done by Tuesday, because I mean..a three day weekend? Perfect. And here I am. I've actually gone on AIM. AIM. I don't go on AIM. I WATCHED COLD CASE. Okay? I'm going out of my way to avoid this shit. And it's not just projects I have to do. I have to write another essay for college, I have to pick up monologues, and that Lance Armstrong book. I have to finish my outside reading book. I have to file my taxes by the end of the month. I have to apply for scholarships by the end of the month. Oh, and I start college, the senior class play AND mid-terms this week.
What the hell is my problem? I mean. I haven't even spent any time with Derek this weekend, like. It's not that things are blatantly BETTER than doing my homework. It's not like "I would have, but this opportunity was so much more enticing!" it's more like "I would..but I could also sit, do nothing, and maybe slit my wrists later.."
I've noticed that this random streak of ninth grade laziness, mixed with eating? Has become a problem. I've concentrated so much on sleeping, and doing what I want to WHEN I want to, it's as if I've grown just immune to my meds or something. It's almost as if I don't take them anymore. Like..look at my car. It's FILTH. I don't drive a dirty car, people. Even the little things that used to motivate me, like appearance have just fallen useless.
I mean..obviously this is my fault. I'm not blaming anyone or anything, but to be quite honest..the only thing I can attribute this all to is the weather.
Between the months of January and March, I'm rendered practically useless. I can never survive. Once mid-terms happen..I'm just done. I never do good on Mid-terms. I'm alright at finals. But Mid-Terms have always sucked. And naturally, there's even MORE college shit I'm going to have to do.
When does this end? I know when this ends. I know when it should end. But at the rate I'm going..it's never going to. And if it does..it's because it came to a slow stop due to lack of movement.
And what am I doing? I'm doing Cameron's homework. It's like..I'll clean my friends' room, but not mine. What is it about doing things for OURSELVES that are always so difficult?
I'm not complaining. It's just. I can't figure this out. I know that it's like..watching those fat people documentaries..they're chowing down a chicken wing, crying because they'll never be thin. And the answer is clear, "Well stop fucking eating!" just as it is now "Well shut up and just do it!"
But for some reason, I can't bring myself to do it. It's like..prolonging breaking someone's heart.
And what is it about hearts? Is it just me, or 'tis the season to rekindle?
Well. I'm hoping not. Because honestly..with what I have on my plate now..I don't think I could handle rekindling shit that I got used to being gone.
And that's another thing. Okay, story time.
My really good friend was dating this gorgeous girl for about three years. Recently, they broke up, and now he is dating one of my best friends. Just to give you an impersonal note as to what happened..she broke up with him. He didn't really do anything wrong..but. She just wasn't feeling like he loved her anymore. Plus, she dated him from when she was like..17 and now she's around 21 and he was all she knew. Granted, the past few months..things have been falling apart. Calling each other, fighting. The poor guy would constantly get upset..but when she finally ended it. He broke down. After a while..she would come back to him, no strings attached. And then when he recently started dating my friend, she got upset, they fought, and now they don't speak. Anyway, the other day, he was paid a visit by her friends and they delivered him a gift bag. Inside was a camera. When he turned it on, the pictures were all deleted. Instead, they were in an envelope. She'd gotten all of his pictures developed. And there they were. As he sifted through them. Pictures of him and her. The most gorgeous couple you'd ever see. Standing on rocky cliffs, looking down at the water. Smiling, hair in the breeze. Some where on her bed. Nothing personal, just him smiling..the happiest smile I'd ever seen. They were at parties. Each others houses. Blowing out candles. She was wearing something odd and colourful, smiling like a princess. I've seen him happy before..but these pictures were adorable. Along with them, she decided to send him a bag of Smarties with a note saying to keep them in his glove compartment in case of emergencies on those long nights. Apparently, on their first date..when he drove her home, he was falling asleep so she fed him Smarties.
This man has been so happy lately. Mainly because of my friend. He claims he loves her. He claims there's no way she's a rebound. She couldn't possibly be. They're obnoxiously adorable together (obnoxious being operative). But I have seen couples lately who have broken up because they WERE in fact rebounds..they just didn't know it. Isn't it possible to date someone for all the wrong reasons, but not even be aware?
Anyway, he started crying. He was actually crying. And I asked why, and he said that he missed her. He didn't want her back. But he missed her.
He missed the way his life was. The fact that everything he knows he learned either with her or from her. He missed her family. He missed it all. He doesn't want to go back..but he missed it.
And I started to get upset, myself. We talked about death. How those tears weren't tears of longing, but just mourning. Parts of our lives are dying. And most parts we dont realize, have very sudden deaths. I don't want him back in my life. Not at all. But I miss him sometimes. When i have something clever to say. When I want an argument about something trivial. That's what I miss. I miss my dad living here. I miss being younger and naive. I miss being an immature freshman who wandered the malls looking for Converses.
I would never want to go back to that. I would never want to live with my dad. Be six years old. Cry because someone hates me. Be with him under a sunny window with all the time in the world. I wouldn't want to live that again. It's like Rosie said in Harriet the Spy "I never go back, only forward." And at that time, I was dying to know why, and I've been realizing it more and more. You just can't. Too much has happened. Whether my friend IS his rebound and he doesn't know it..or he genuinely loves being with her..he misses his ex girlfriend. How could he not? And though what she did was shitty, I would have done the same thing. Because it sucks..feeling like you were forgotten by someone. It sucks feeling like you meant so much to a person, as they meant something to you..and now it's as if it's nothing.
Sometimes, if I look hard enough toward the other side of the room, I'll think about it. I'll think about how we don't talk, or even look at each other. How we know nothing about each other's lives. But it's not even in a way were there's hate. If there were animosity, there'd be a reason for it. But there's nothing. It's like we never were. It's honest to god as if this was Eternal Sunshine..and we just DON'T know that we had a history together.
The past is just full of apathy. And the future, full of vague fear. For the first time in my life I don't know WHERE I'll be a year from now. Where I'll live, who I'll love, what I'll be doing, who I'll be friends with, where my mom will live, where anything is. Come August EVERYTHING as I know is either going to end, or change.
There's nothing I can predict.
Maybe then, I'll cry because I miss this. But as I'm looking at a blank word document..trying as hard as I can to write someone's homework that's not even mine..I highly doubt I'd ever want to come back.
xo