Nothing's quite the same now, I just say your name now.
You know those songs you haven't heard in a really long time and so you forgot about it and then once you hear it, you almost want to cry because you love it so much, and you feel blessed to have it back into your life? Yeah. The Best I've Ever Had- Vertical Horizon, thanks.
My nanar got major surgery, I should be on my way to a cookout right now, which I actually AM looking forward to, but am putting off getting ready because Im lazy. Which means the later I go to that, the later I go to Kaitlena's. ((Happy b-day, ily!)) Which means I'm a shitty friend/person/whatever.
But I refuse to hate on myself. For the first time, I have closure.
I never have closure. I'm not a closure person. I mean, I may think I have it sometimes, but old wounds come back at me, and I open my arms to them all too easily.
I'm really really going to miss school. I really am.
I had the best teachers this year, I loved my classes. And I did a really good job when all is said and done, especially compared to years prior.
Last night, I was at work with Danielle, and I told her two big things that were on my mind. One was: Why do I miss him? and the other one was: Why am I moving, should I just stay?
And both of them were dispicably cleared a couple hours later when the most hurtful things to ever have been said were said to me.
Thank God the person that said them is the biggest idiot I know so I can't take them seriously.
But luckily..after the things he said were said..I realized, I don't miss him anymore. And that was solidified because before I fell asleep..I didnt think of anyone, or anything.
And now I realize..it's idiots like that, it's deamons like that that make me glad I'm moving.
Junior year was built up times a million. I went into it with a bunch of close friends, in a bunch of cool classes. Rockin yet another play, kicking ass in the morning, names in the evening..etc.
And what I learned was. If you sneak out, you're going to get in trouble.
If your best friends all tell you someone's bad, they're usually correct.
And when you assume that a school year is short enough to have everything end pretty much the same way it began..you're sadly mistaken.
This year was ironic to say the absolute least. I gained so many friends, and then lost so many.
I was looking at my 10th grade yearbook the other day, and I had pages stapled in..signed by so many people that made the year special. One of my best friends at the time said "We're the best kind of best friends, don't disappear after high school, okay?" She stopped talking to me shortly after Junior Year started. Under hers was "I know you don't think so, but I consider you one of my best friends..and I'm going to be so glad to say that I knew you one day when you're rich and famous." Now, I just want this kid dead.
I'm not naive. I was never stupid enough to assume all these people would be in my life forever. But I never once thought that for NO reason, or for a really DUMB reason, these people would be gone in less than a year's time.
6 months ago, I did one of those "20 people" things on Myspace, the anonymous letters or whatever..and I fucking wish I saved it. Because I bet it would be completely different for 16/17 of those people.
It's just so strange to see how many people change. How many friends I used to have that left me behind..and how little I care. People change. Things happen. And I understand. I'm okay with that.
I managed to finish the year up better than I started it. Academically, I'm extremely proud. I walked away with two awards..and beautiful motivators. The staff at Norton High is ironically amazing what with the SHITTY budget (we don't have gym next year!)
I'm scared of growing up and getting out. I'm scared of college, and the future. I'm going to be thrown into a pool of people I don't know..and things I don't understand.
But I can't handle it with the servility I've handled this year with.
I used to think that being cynical, and realistic was safe.
But I realize..fuck people. Fuck everything that they think! I'm going to be my damned self. From right now, through tomorrow, continuing through the summer and onward until the end of my life. Not to say I've been fake..I haven't. But I can't let what happens in life CHANGE who I am. I can't be cynical. I can't be "jaded". I'm me.
And the BEST form of revenge is success.
I guess the thing is..is this year was the oddest, most life-altering year of my life.
And here I am..making it through. Closing it. Tying the knots at the end.
And in the grand scheme of things..the things I kept, I cherish like you wouldn't believe. And the things I've lost..I'm just so glad are gone.
xo.
My nanar got major surgery, I should be on my way to a cookout right now, which I actually AM looking forward to, but am putting off getting ready because Im lazy. Which means the later I go to that, the later I go to Kaitlena's. ((Happy b-day, ily!)) Which means I'm a shitty friend/person/whatever.
But I refuse to hate on myself. For the first time, I have closure.
I never have closure. I'm not a closure person. I mean, I may think I have it sometimes, but old wounds come back at me, and I open my arms to them all too easily.
I'm really really going to miss school. I really am.
I had the best teachers this year, I loved my classes. And I did a really good job when all is said and done, especially compared to years prior.
Last night, I was at work with Danielle, and I told her two big things that were on my mind. One was: Why do I miss him? and the other one was: Why am I moving, should I just stay?
And both of them were dispicably cleared a couple hours later when the most hurtful things to ever have been said were said to me.
Thank God the person that said them is the biggest idiot I know so I can't take them seriously.
But luckily..after the things he said were said..I realized, I don't miss him anymore. And that was solidified because before I fell asleep..I didnt think of anyone, or anything.
And now I realize..it's idiots like that, it's deamons like that that make me glad I'm moving.
Junior year was built up times a million. I went into it with a bunch of close friends, in a bunch of cool classes. Rockin yet another play, kicking ass in the morning, names in the evening..etc.
And what I learned was. If you sneak out, you're going to get in trouble.
If your best friends all tell you someone's bad, they're usually correct.
And when you assume that a school year is short enough to have everything end pretty much the same way it began..you're sadly mistaken.
This year was ironic to say the absolute least. I gained so many friends, and then lost so many.
I was looking at my 10th grade yearbook the other day, and I had pages stapled in..signed by so many people that made the year special. One of my best friends at the time said "We're the best kind of best friends, don't disappear after high school, okay?" She stopped talking to me shortly after Junior Year started. Under hers was "I know you don't think so, but I consider you one of my best friends..and I'm going to be so glad to say that I knew you one day when you're rich and famous." Now, I just want this kid dead.
I'm not naive. I was never stupid enough to assume all these people would be in my life forever. But I never once thought that for NO reason, or for a really DUMB reason, these people would be gone in less than a year's time.
6 months ago, I did one of those "20 people" things on Myspace, the anonymous letters or whatever..and I fucking wish I saved it. Because I bet it would be completely different for 16/17 of those people.
It's just so strange to see how many people change. How many friends I used to have that left me behind..and how little I care. People change. Things happen. And I understand. I'm okay with that.
I managed to finish the year up better than I started it. Academically, I'm extremely proud. I walked away with two awards..and beautiful motivators. The staff at Norton High is ironically amazing what with the SHITTY budget (we don't have gym next year!)
I'm scared of growing up and getting out. I'm scared of college, and the future. I'm going to be thrown into a pool of people I don't know..and things I don't understand.
But I can't handle it with the servility I've handled this year with.
I used to think that being cynical, and realistic was safe.
But I realize..fuck people. Fuck everything that they think! I'm going to be my damned self. From right now, through tomorrow, continuing through the summer and onward until the end of my life. Not to say I've been fake..I haven't. But I can't let what happens in life CHANGE who I am. I can't be cynical. I can't be "jaded". I'm me.
And the BEST form of revenge is success.
I guess the thing is..is this year was the oddest, most life-altering year of my life.
And here I am..making it through. Closing it. Tying the knots at the end.
And in the grand scheme of things..the things I kept, I cherish like you wouldn't believe. And the things I've lost..I'm just so glad are gone.
xo.