(no subject)
it's strange
death is strange
one day the spirit decides to leave the vessel that its in
& we don't really know why
i know that tuffy had a good life
& he was happy
he knew that we loved him very much
& i don't really know if he was in pain or how much pain he was in but
he won't be in pain anymore
the living are left to grieve
it's strange but
last night at around 3am i suddenly just felt sick to my stomach about him
being in the vet's office by himself
i just got a really bad feeling
i tried to make it go away & eventually i fell asleep
then i woke up to my parents coming home from the vet & coming in my room
i said "where's tuffy?" but somehow i knew in the back of my mind
& my dad said "he died" & then it became fact
my only regret is that i couldn't hold him while he left this world
that he was in a kennel at the vet's office & not here at home on his bed
did he think we left him there to die?
it's no use thinking things like that but i can't help it
i just want to hug him one more time
i went to see his body & he looked very peaceful, almost smiling
so i don't want to think he had any bad thoughts about us or about anything before he passed away
i hope he dreamed of happy things
it's so strange that 2 months ago he was perfectly healthy
getting older, but healthy
& then we moved to a new house
did he not understand, did he want to go back to the old house?
was he sad & confused & that made him die?
i don't really think that's it
he seemed happy wherever we were
& he had his bed & his couch & his favorite toys
Tuffy was with me for 11 years
he watched me grow up from age 8 to age 19
he was such a good dog
he loved us very much, i know it
he always tried to sit on our laps even though he was 85 pounds
& would push himself up against our legs like he was giving us a hug
he was the perfect size for hugs
the last day, the day we took him to the vet
he definitely seemed to be in pain, but the vet himself said
nothing like this had ever happened before
that he must have missed something in the tests...
there's no use wondering why it happened,
it happened
if i listen i can still hear his collar jingling
his hair is everywhere
as opposed to being upsetting these things are comforting to me
i don't want to forget him
i want to keep him alive in me, in my memories.
i will hold him dear in my heart forever.
i was looking up ペットロス message boards in japanese, i don't know why
maybe because japanese is so calming for me
& i think japanese is a language that can express well
the feelings accompanied by death & loss
someone wrote a message to their dog that holds the same sentiments i feel
& tuffy used to always come into my room when i was watching dramas
so maybe tuffy liked japanese too
so i'm going to put it here
死んだのに、今もそこにいるような感じする
老衰で大きな病気もなく苦しまなず死んだから、後悔は殆どない
ただ死に目にあえなかった、最後に抱いてあげられなかった
ねぇ、幸せだった？わたしは、君に会えたこと、共に過ごした時間
思い出のすべて宝物だと思う
ムシの知らせって本当にあるんだね
彼が死ぬ時間、なにも知らないのに胸が痛くなって苦しくなったの
ほんと
虹の橋で会いましょうね。今度出会えたら散歩いっぱいしようね
I love you Tuffy.
Let's meet again on the Rainbow Bridge.