(no subject)
wow... this is the most i've posted so often in a while...
it's already over between alyse and i. i don't even fucking know if i'm laughing or crying right now. i knew it would happen. she doesn't give a shit about me. and yet i'd rather kill myself than ever hurt her, so i don't even have the balls to tell her to go fuck herself.
there's a beautiful storm tonight, and i can't even rightfully enjoy it cuz i'm so fucking pissed off.
i am the single most self-destructive, masochistic person i will ever meet. i can't let her go even though this feels like the death of me. and i don't care how overdramatic that sounds, it's closer to the truth than i've said in a while. gods i just want to fucking crawl in a hole and forget the world for a while... almost makes me wish i was a drinker.
i don't even know what to think right now. or why i keep writing. my head is just spinning and i feel like i should be on the floor crying and screaming.
i want to break things and throw a fit and act like child and i want to hate her and i can't.
i've always only wanted her to be happy.
you know what the worst part is? i gave up this amazing girl who actually gave a shit about me, who loved me, and knew she wanted to be with me. and i did the same thing to her as alyse does to me. i mean, it's not like i really want to date her again. not like she'd ever give me the chance. she at least had the balls to tell me to go fuck myself.
i want to run. i want to break something. i want to scream. i want to feel something. but i know if i let myself even get out of this bed i'm going to do something stupid and impulsive. i know myself well enough to know when i'm losing control. and i'm losing this battle very quickly. i've already broken off three keys from this keyboard. i'm getting violent. and it's scaring me. cuz i know what comes next. i need to just lie down and sleep.
it's already over between alyse and i. i don't even fucking know if i'm laughing or crying right now. i knew it would happen. she doesn't give a shit about me. and yet i'd rather kill myself than ever hurt her, so i don't even have the balls to tell her to go fuck herself.
there's a beautiful storm tonight, and i can't even rightfully enjoy it cuz i'm so fucking pissed off.
i am the single most self-destructive, masochistic person i will ever meet. i can't let her go even though this feels like the death of me. and i don't care how overdramatic that sounds, it's closer to the truth than i've said in a while. gods i just want to fucking crawl in a hole and forget the world for a while... almost makes me wish i was a drinker.
i don't even know what to think right now. or why i keep writing. my head is just spinning and i feel like i should be on the floor crying and screaming.
i want to break things and throw a fit and act like child and i want to hate her and i can't.
i've always only wanted her to be happy.
you know what the worst part is? i gave up this amazing girl who actually gave a shit about me, who loved me, and knew she wanted to be with me. and i did the same thing to her as alyse does to me. i mean, it's not like i really want to date her again. not like she'd ever give me the chance. she at least had the balls to tell me to go fuck myself.
i want to run. i want to break something. i want to scream. i want to feel something. but i know if i let myself even get out of this bed i'm going to do something stupid and impulsive. i know myself well enough to know when i'm losing control. and i'm losing this battle very quickly. i've already broken off three keys from this keyboard. i'm getting violent. and it's scaring me. cuz i know what comes next. i need to just lie down and sleep.