Trying...
"'Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
Sounds really inspirational right? But actually Alfred Lord Tennyson was an idiot. Both situations completely suck.
We talked last night about things and at the time I felt a little better. But I woke up this morning and felt like crap again. He said we'd still be friends and that he still cared about me, and that he cared about me more than he cared about most people. But he has pretty much removed me from any trace of "closeness". He doesn't even read this blog anymore.
I've been trying to keep my head up through this, and trying to make sense of it all or even try to not even think about it. But it's so hard because I keep thinking of all these memories and finding all these things that remind me of him.
I keep thinking of how we danced in my driveway to music from my car speakers one night while waiting for my mom to come home so we could go in and watch movies and cuddle. I keep thinking of things like our first kiss. I keep thinking about laying out in the cold for a christmas party just looking at the moon and the stars with him. I think about the Panda that he got me for our first Valentine's day. The Romeo and Juliet soundtrack that he got me for our second Valentine's day. I keep thinking of the times he just randomly dropped by my house just to make me feel better after a bad day. I keep thinking about the conversations we used to have about life, about the future, about the past and the present. I keep thinking about movies we saw together and places we went. I keep thinking about gifts that he gave me that were so simple yet they meant so much because they were things that he knew I would have liked. I think about the car ride home from the Braves game that I went to with him and his family, and how he had me lay my head across his stomach and put his arm around me. I think about us being silly and pretending to be two rednecks named Elroy and Marla yelling at eachother. I keep thinking about every time he told me that he loved me. I keep thinking about our two year anniversary. I keep thinking about homecoming 2004 and how amazing the whole night was with us looking into eachother's eyes and dancing. I keep thinking of Prom 2007 and how wonderful he was and how he told me that I was beautiful and I actually felt like I was just because it was coming out of his mouth. I think about the way he and I actually came to be and how there was so much confusion in the beginning because he was already bragging about me being his girlfriend but I didn't even know if we were going out or not. There's so much more than that and I just keep running the past 3 years through my head and it won't stop. I go to sleep, and I'm fine, but as soon as I wake up I feel like complete crap all over again again. And none of this even seems real, I keep hoping that maybe I'm just in some kind of coma or really bad dream that I'll snap out of soon, and he'll be there.
They say that you should think of the good times that you had together and it'll make you feel better....but it never works. Because it all comes back to the thought that the good times are over.
Everywhere I look, there's something that reminds me of him.
For some reason there's something in my head that wants to tell me that it isn't over yet. That there's still a chance and that with a some time, even if it's not in the near future, I should fight for that chance. I don't know whether to believe that something in my head that's telling me that or
think that I'm losing my mind. I'd love to think that there's still a chance, I'd love to believe that more than anything in this world.
I'm probably just losing my mind.
But I really would do anything to have him back.
I need to go to bed though because I have crap that I have to do tomorrow.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
Sounds really inspirational right? But actually Alfred Lord Tennyson was an idiot. Both situations completely suck.
We talked last night about things and at the time I felt a little better. But I woke up this morning and felt like crap again. He said we'd still be friends and that he still cared about me, and that he cared about me more than he cared about most people. But he has pretty much removed me from any trace of "closeness". He doesn't even read this blog anymore.
I've been trying to keep my head up through this, and trying to make sense of it all or even try to not even think about it. But it's so hard because I keep thinking of all these memories and finding all these things that remind me of him.
I keep thinking of how we danced in my driveway to music from my car speakers one night while waiting for my mom to come home so we could go in and watch movies and cuddle. I keep thinking of things like our first kiss. I keep thinking about laying out in the cold for a christmas party just looking at the moon and the stars with him. I think about the Panda that he got me for our first Valentine's day. The Romeo and Juliet soundtrack that he got me for our second Valentine's day. I keep thinking of the times he just randomly dropped by my house just to make me feel better after a bad day. I keep thinking about the conversations we used to have about life, about the future, about the past and the present. I keep thinking about movies we saw together and places we went. I keep thinking about gifts that he gave me that were so simple yet they meant so much because they were things that he knew I would have liked. I think about the car ride home from the Braves game that I went to with him and his family, and how he had me lay my head across his stomach and put his arm around me. I think about us being silly and pretending to be two rednecks named Elroy and Marla yelling at eachother. I keep thinking about every time he told me that he loved me. I keep thinking about our two year anniversary. I keep thinking about homecoming 2004 and how amazing the whole night was with us looking into eachother's eyes and dancing. I keep thinking of Prom 2007 and how wonderful he was and how he told me that I was beautiful and I actually felt like I was just because it was coming out of his mouth. I think about the way he and I actually came to be and how there was so much confusion in the beginning because he was already bragging about me being his girlfriend but I didn't even know if we were going out or not. There's so much more than that and I just keep running the past 3 years through my head and it won't stop. I go to sleep, and I'm fine, but as soon as I wake up I feel like complete crap all over again again. And none of this even seems real, I keep hoping that maybe I'm just in some kind of coma or really bad dream that I'll snap out of soon, and he'll be there.
They say that you should think of the good times that you had together and it'll make you feel better....but it never works. Because it all comes back to the thought that the good times are over.
Everywhere I look, there's something that reminds me of him.
For some reason there's something in my head that wants to tell me that it isn't over yet. That there's still a chance and that with a some time, even if it's not in the near future, I should fight for that chance. I don't know whether to believe that something in my head that's telling me that or
think that I'm losing my mind. I'd love to think that there's still a chance, I'd love to believe that more than anything in this world.
I'm probably just losing my mind.
But I really would do anything to have him back.
I need to go to bed though because I have crap that I have to do tomorrow.