Unsure...
Writing here is the last thing that I should be doing this morning. I am knee-deep in homework. But I just wanted to get a few things off my chest...
Well, there is one other thing that has been bothering me...female garbage ahoy. Back when I was 22, I was diagnosed with Stage 0 Cervical cancer. I was biopsied and all that stuff, and eventually things were cleared up with a cryosurgery. Well, I am starting to have some of the old symptoms again. I recently bled for 20+ days. Large blood clots and everything. And some of the pain and pressure is back...thankfully I have an appointment scheduled for Tuesday morning with an OBGYN. I'll have a PAP and probably another ultrasound... Gods, I am hoping that this is not back. Just thinking about it is scaring me, should I be stronger than this? I got through it once, shouldn't I be able to get through it again? But there's a part of my head that says, "Jeeesus Christ! I am not even 27 yet and I have dealt with so-fucking-much." I won't even post up the whole fucking list of what is wrong with me, it is too depressing and it smacks of feeling sorry for myself. How many more times am I going to have to be brave? I am reminded of my entry a few months ago from when they found protein in my urine and diabetic retinopathy in one of my eyes. How much longer can it go on like this? Am I supposed to just keep struggling to piece together some semblance of a life while my body just continues to fall apart. Arghh. I don't want to talk about it any more. I'll write again after Tuesday, or maybe after the test results have shown something definitive. I could just be freaking myself out over absolutely fucking nothing. But who knows.
- Things have been kinda *eh* lately. I feel as though there might be a change a'brewin', I am just not sure what is going on with me. Maybe I have a bit of the old Spring fever - I go from just wanting to goof off to being a little depressed and out of sorts.
- My dreams have been bothering me for about the last week or so. Nothing serious, no nightmares or anything, but just very odd situations, and not odd in the funny sort of way. They are sticking to me for some reason, almost taunting me as if they are trying to tell me something that I just can't decipher yet. The kinds of things they are bringing up are very bothersome...I know I am being cryptic here, but I can't even begin to put it all into words. You know how it is, when there are things at your very core that you can't find a way to communicate to any other living soul, out of fear or shame or perhaps just ignorance.
- A while back I posted about the honor society on campus - well, after their smack in my face, they have come back with a classy, embossed invitation. Telling me all the remarkable opportunities that would be mine as a member of PTK ... They get me all excited then proceed to mention, in the tiniest print, that a one-time "membership acceptance fee" of $60.00 would be necessary. FUCK THAT. I mean, I already have a friend who is more than willing to give me the 60 bucks, but that is not the point. It is the principle of the whole thing, you know? I mean, for those of you who have gone to college, what is the first thing they tell you about scholarships? NEVER pay money in exchange for information about scholarships because, invariably, it is a SCAM. So that is what i am left thinking of this "honor society" - it's just a school-sanctioned scam. My advisor will be hearing about this Monday morning. I am going to make a special trip to campus just to pitch a massive bitch about this. They tell me that grades and hard work will be rewarded, yeah, well, shame on me for believing it. I am still naive, in some ways. I guess one of the biggest reasons this was so important to me was because I am eventually going to want to transfer to a large university and then, a graduate school. I am going to need something to make me stand out. I have no community service, I am almost 10 years out of high school ... I thought that maybe this would give me the little nudge that I need. But no.
Well, there is one other thing that has been bothering me...female garbage ahoy. Back when I was 22, I was diagnosed with Stage 0 Cervical cancer. I was biopsied and all that stuff, and eventually things were cleared up with a cryosurgery. Well, I am starting to have some of the old symptoms again. I recently bled for 20+ days. Large blood clots and everything. And some of the pain and pressure is back...thankfully I have an appointment scheduled for Tuesday morning with an OBGYN. I'll have a PAP and probably another ultrasound... Gods, I am hoping that this is not back. Just thinking about it is scaring me, should I be stronger than this? I got through it once, shouldn't I be able to get through it again? But there's a part of my head that says, "Jeeesus Christ! I am not even 27 yet and I have dealt with so-fucking-much." I won't even post up the whole fucking list of what is wrong with me, it is too depressing and it smacks of feeling sorry for myself. How many more times am I going to have to be brave? I am reminded of my entry a few months ago from when they found protein in my urine and diabetic retinopathy in one of my eyes. How much longer can it go on like this? Am I supposed to just keep struggling to piece together some semblance of a life while my body just continues to fall apart. Arghh. I don't want to talk about it any more. I'll write again after Tuesday, or maybe after the test results have shown something definitive. I could just be freaking myself out over absolutely fucking nothing. But who knows.