[multichapter] Space Wonderland; Chapters 19, 20, 21
Almost there. I'll post the last two chapters tomorrow. Promise. Sorry if the story became sappy and sad at this point. I hope you still enjoy it. ;__;
CHAPTER 19
How to tell everyone?
After Fujigaya landed on Skallar 15, he had a meeting with the authorities and revealed them the truth about Kyorkham. About the robots, about the people they were using and keeping under control. He didn’t know what his revelations were going to cause, but it wasn’t something he wanted to be involved into. He was sure the government was going to use the information in a campaign against Kyorkham, maybe with the intent of starting a war and using the excuse to save the poor people of that planet.
But there was nothing they could to help them. Fujigaya gave them a memory chip that Bell gave to him. It contained all the information about Kyorkham. Long time ago, the planet had been a nice, green planet, similar to all the other colonized planets in the galaxy. But soon people started to abuse machines, and make them better and better. They built factories to show their supremacy in technology to the universe. It was the time when the machines rebelled, slowly, stealthily. People didn’t have time to stop them, when they managed to contaminate the humans with the biochips, they made them believe technology was meant to make them stronger, but the chips were in fact used to modify their memories. Humans forgot who they were, they forgot they weren’t supposed to do the work, but the machines were. They started falling blindly into a chain of nothingness, every day was like the other, every day was spent trying to remember, trying to do the work the machines and the humanoid robots told them they had always been doing. No time to rebel, no time to understand there was something wrong. After a year, all the memories faded and they were slaves with blank minds again. This cycle repeated itself over and over for a long time. If someone realized or rebelled, he was confined until the reset. Then he would be a new person. There was no reason to kill useful and skilled workers.
Fujigaya had realized that reset was what kept him alive, and that the machines were just waiting for time to pass. He knew his reset was close.
Eventually, everyone will find out about his situation. The government would make an official announcement, they will explain, they will convince people of the necessity of a war.
But would they ever find out a way to stop the reset from happening?
Fujigaya looked outside the window of the hovercar that was taking him back to the circus. He knew that even if they did find a solution in the future, they’d never make it in time to save his memories, his precious memories of his year with the circus. He bit his lower lip as he saw the circus spaceship in the distance, his friends all outside the entrance of the Bubble, waiting for him with the warmest smile he had ever seen. Eventually they will find out, but he didn’t feel any urge to tell them.
He went through the memories of the past year, probably the best year of his life, even if he had no recollection of the previous ones. He didn’t want to lose them, he wanted to keep them, seal them, bury them deep inside his soul, but even if now it seemed so easy to do it, he knew that after the reset it would have been impossible to find them again.
--
Fujigaya stirred in his bed and slipped out from under Yokoo’s arm. He looked at his sleeping face. An unusual smile curled his lips, his long eyelashes cast shadows under his eyes. Fujigaya tried to imprint this moment in his eyes, like every other moment he spent with him.
It was no use, but he wanted to live and remember for the last days he had left with this consciousness.
He slowly moved out of bed and got dressed. The circus was still wrapped in silence, after the noisy celebration for his comeback the previous night.
He went out in the corridor and decided to reach the observation deck to see the sun rising. It was still dark, so he had time to make a cup of hot chocolate before heading on the deck. The mess in the canteen was still there. Kawai, sleeping on the floor holding an empty bottle. Kitayama was fast asleep on a chair, and Fujigaya wondered how could he sleep in such an uncomfortable position. He carefully walked out of the room trying not to wake them up. The last thing he wanted was an afterparty, and Kawai was already threatening to organize one even before the previous night ended.
He sat on the observation deck and looked at the sky turning pink, with deep orange spots as the first rays of the sun were starting to touch everything on the surface of the planet.
Fujigaya heard footsteps behind him and as he turned around, he saw Takizawa, smiling gently at him.
“It was fun yesterday, but they all can’t take it in the morning I guess.”
Fujigaya smiled looking at the cup of coffee the other was holding.
“Good morning”
“Taisuke, you seem a bit off. Yesterday too. Your smile isn’t quite the usual. I guess finding out about your planet wasn’t good after all.”
“No it’s just... well it wasn’t good.”
“Taisuke, I have to tell you something.”
“What is it?” Fujigaya asked, turning his whole body in Takizawa’s direction, to pay full attention.
“I know.”
Fujigaya made a surprised face, but then relaxed and asked “How do you know?”
“I knew it from the beginning. I met someone just like you in the past. I just...”
“You knew?!?” Fujigaya stood up, not sure if to feel shocked or outraged or both. “Why? Why didn’t you tell me? Why?”
“There isn’t much I could do, really. Taisuke...”
“I know there isn’t much to do! But you could have... told someone. You could have stopped the machines before and...”
“I didn’t know anything about the machines. Really. Taisuke, let me explain.”
Fujigaya pouted and decided to sit again and listen. He didn’t know what to think about Takizawa in that very moment, but he couldn’t deny him the right to explain why he acted that way.
“The person I met in the past never really said he was from Kyorkham. He never really said much about where he was from, apart from the fact that he wasn’t free there and he was forced to work as a slave. He wanted freedom, that’s why he escaped to look for it across the galaxy.”
“Of course he had no idea he was going to lose his memories in a matter of time, and that’s when I met him, here on Skallar 15, when I was still a mere acrobat in another circus, before buying this ship. His name was Tsubasa, and we started dreaming together from the very first moment we met. We started dreaming of a circus of our own, we started designing this spaceship and he knew a lot about technology, so his projects were quite detailed.”
“So that’s why this ship is so advanced. He knew the secrets of Kyorkham technology!”
“Exactly. But then, when our dream was about to become true - I won’t go into details here, but I made some friends that could help me finance the circus - the reset happened. I didn’t know what happened to Tsubasa, but his memories, our memories, were all lost and he was like a blank page. Nothing I could do could help him. No doctors, no scientists. Finally I gave up.”
“How could you...”
“Taisuke, I was desperate! I didn’t know what to do. The only thing I could think of was to make our dream come true. I was convinced that when he’d see the circus spaceship, his memory would be back. So I worked and worked and I finally managed to have this spaceship built. He was so excited when he saw it. But after he looked at it, he asked me who made such an amazing design. I was torn. I was left with no hope.”
“Where is Tsubasa now?”
“I left him on a nice planet, with people that can take care of him. Throughout the years we realized the pattern of his memory loss was the same every time. He kept on forgetting all the things that happened every year. Over and over. I kept on trying to make him remember who I was, but soon I lost the courage of forcing him to remember me. I decided to keep on loving the memories I had of him.”
“Why? Why did you give up?”
“I’m sorry Taisuke. I know it’s not nice to hear that. But... he forgot about me. He forgot everything, every single time. I still love him and I wish I could stay by his side, but it’s just... too painful.”
Fujigaya felt like punching the glass of the observation deck dome. He knew it would be painful for Yokoo too. He suddenly realized how painful it would be for all the people who loved him.
“I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want to forget the circus and all the people I love.”
“I’m sorry, Taisuke. Maybe I took once again the wrong decision when I decided to take you with us. I obviously wasn’t sure your amnesia was the same as Tsubasa’s, but I had this feeling it could be.”
“I don’t regret it, Takizawa-san, really. Don’t feel sorry.”
“Taisuke...”
“I spent wonderful moments in this place, I’ve found precious friends. I’m still not ready to lose everything. I still want to fight to keep my memories. I won’t give up that easily.”
“Taisuke... I...”
“So stop saying you’re sorry. You just did your job, you gave me a dream to believe in.”
“Just one thing Taisuke. You have to tell the others. Especially Yokoo.”
Fujigaya knew he had to. Takizawa was showing him the despair of someone forgotten, and he didn’t want Yokoo and any of his friends to feel that way. He didn’t want to see that expression in their faces. Their pain and sadness. The helplessness. Forever, over and over.
“I will.”
--
CHAPTER 20
Everyone was still smiling, unable to contain their happiness for Fujigaya’s safe return. Nikaido seemed to have a terrible hangover, but he still was grinning like a kid when Fujigaya called them all in the Bubble. The kids didn’t have a hangover because they hadn’t been allowed any alcohol, “not even a sip” Yokoo had insisted against Kitayama wanting to let one of them drink from his can, but they looked like they were all still high in sugars and happiness.
“Are we going to have another party?”
“Did we obtain permission from Takizawa to use the Bubble? That’s great!” Kawai shouted.
But their smiles started to fade as they noticed Fujigaya’s serious and gloomy expression.
“What is it, Taisuke?” Yokoo asked, coming forward.
“I will forget all about you,” Fujigaya said bluntly.
“What do you mean?” Kitayama asked, half of his face smiling, while the other half couldn’t get the joke. If it was a joke, of course.
In the few minutes that followed, minutes made of eternity, Fujigaya explained how he was going to reset very soon, how he didn’t want to, but he was doomed to forget every single happy moment, every single one of them. They all listened without saying a word, and silence followed Fujigaya’s last words.
Astonishment, disbelief, despair, disappointment. Fujigaya could read all of those in his friends’ faces.
“Is there anything we can do?” Senga’s voice was already broken by sobs and tears menaced to come out from his eyes.
Tamamori was squeezing Miyata’s hand too much, he was probably hurting him, but Miyata was temporarily in another world of shock and disbelief. Kitayama was looking off to his side shaking his head. Nikaido was frowning, as if he were trying to understand something too difficult. Hashimoto was sobbing while Totsuka was hugging him, a sad expression on his face. Kawai didn’t want to believe and so did Goseki. Tsukada’s smile had faded away as he tried to understand how to react to such news. Sou was patting Marious shoulders as those were shaken by sobs. Shori kept shaking his head while looking around him, as Fuuma and Kento looked both extremely serious, like he had never seen them.
Fujigaya dared to look at Yokoo’s face, for the first time since he started talking. He was there, his usual serious face, his dark eyes gleaming, his hands clenching on his knees.
“There is nothing you could do,” Fujigaya said, looking in his direction.
Then he saw Yokoo getting up and climbing the stairs quickly, storming out of the door without a word. Kitayama and others called his name, but he didn’t stop.
“Leave him alone,” Fujigaya said, before dropping to his knees on the sand ring. “There’s nothing anyone can do.”
“Taisuke...” Tamamori and Senga went to hug him, and Fujigaya couldn’t hold the tears anymore.
--
Fujigaya found Yokoo with his beasts. He was sure he was going to be there, the place where he could feel the warmth of his friends that could understand that he was feeling down, but at the same time, they couldn’t ask him questions, and would only stare at him with sympathy. He was inside the cage of the toriagon, tossing a ball that Thush promptly brought back to him.
“Hey...” Fujigaya entered the cage and Yokoo, who was sitting on a stool, turned to look at him. Something in his eyes was broken and the same thing broke Fujigaya that very moment. It was a pain that didn’t need words, nor sounds. It was a pain that cut all the other feelings with its light heaviness.
Fujigaya stroked Thush’s head and the toriagon leaned against him, like a big cat looking for cuddles.
“We didn’t get a chance to talk since...”
“We don’t need to talk.”
“I’m sorry Wataru. I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want to forget you of all the people,” Fujigaya knelt down to reach Yokoo’s eye level and stared at those deep eyes. Deep and lost, and broken, but still glimmering and reflecting the light of the world outside. “I should have told you as soon as I knew.”
“Taisuke, you just waited one day. Besides it’s better you did it in front of the others.”
“But...”
Yokoo looked into Fujigaya’s eyes without blinking. Despair, resolution, sweetness in his eyes.
“I won’t let you forget Taisuke. I won’t.”
Tears started to form in Fujigaya’s eyes, but they would stay there, held by Yokoo’s sweet determination.
“And even if you forget, I will remember. I will remember for both of us.”
Fujigaya wrapped his arms around Yokoo, squeezing him as he could stop the memories of him from fading away just by taking him away with him. He wasn’t fighting alone, he wasn’t going to forget. He was going to grasp to his memories with his nails if necessary. He was going to fight against his own nature, no matter what.
Inside their hug, they didn’t feel the fear. They were not asking themselves how they were going to fight, they just knew they would, and they would do it together.
--
Everyone in the circus wanted Fujigaya’s last days to be memorable. They organized the biggest show ever. They wanted him to be happy and smile every single moment. They all wanted to create nice memories that wouldn’t last, eventually.
Fujigaya told them he wasn’t going to forget. Yokoo told everyone too, and they all admired their determination, but pitied them at the same time. Takizawa told Fujigaya again that there wasn’t anything he and Tsubasa didn’t try, but Fujigaya just smiled.
“You miss him, right?”
“Every single moment.” Takizawa replied with a sad smile.
The time left wasn’t enough and the only thing was to spend it in the best way possible. They all decided to show Fujigaya only their smiling faces. The thought that he would still be there, but he would be a different person, seemed to never surface, but they were all haunted by it, during the lonely moments, or in the corners of their conversations when Fujigaya wasn’t there. At the same time it was difficult to imagine how that would be, but many of them knew Tsubasa, and they had seen it happen before. Yokoo remembered Takizawa’s pain. He was still a child when he joined the circus and he remembered when Takizawa went to visit Tsubasa, or when Tsubasa came to see the circus and asked who built that. Yokoo knew it had been him and he knew how every single thing he said was hurting Takizawa.
Fujigaya spent a lot of time in Yokoo’s arms. He needed to remember his warmth, his smell, his smile. Yokoo didn’t want to let him go, he would never release his grip.
Time dripped away, a tap that could be never turned off completely, in tiny drops of delightful moments and lonely moments of despair. It slipped away from Fujigaya’s fingers like sand in the wind, but he wasn’t going to fight against time. The real fight, against himself, was about to start.
“I want to be in space,” Fujigaya said one day, and they decided to leave Skallar 15 and start their new tour after the last, memorable show.
The show was amazing and Fujigaya shone as brightly as a star, and everyone was shining with him, smiling and dreaming. He would never forget the feelings he was giving to people and that strength he was receiving from them.
Every night in the spaceship, the dreadful fear of waking up in an unknown place arose, but Fujigaya didn’t want the fear to win. Fearing to fall asleep, would mean surrender. Every time he felt his head heavy, he thought he was about to lose it, but he fought back, he shook his head, he slapped his face.
Yokoo and the others noticed Fujigaya’s dimmed expression, his fights against a destiny he didn’t want to succumb to, and there was nothing they could do, except believing in him. Silently, they were all praying. They were all wishing to keep all the memories they had of him in a solid form that they could let him drink after the reset happened. But there was no such thing. Their memories, Fujigaya’s memories were made of a substance that no one could touch, despite the feeling it gave were undeniable.
If he stopped thinking about them, if he stopped remembering, then his friends would all disappear. They would have never existed in Fujigaya’s mind. And the only thing left of him, would be their memories, like puddles after a storm, like footsteps on the snow, an ephemeral sign that someone had been there, but the presence of his absence would be too much to bear.
“We’ll keep you alive. We’ll keep the Taisuke we know inside us. If we do that, you’ll come back,” Yokoo said one night, as he was gently twisting Fujigaya’s hair with his fingers while laying side by side on the bed. Fujigaya’s hand was placed in the middle of Yokoo’s chest, raising at every breath he took and sinking down again in a slow, relaxed rhythm.
“It hurts Wataru, it hurts so much.”
“I’m here Taisuke, I wish I could share your pain.”
“You are.”
Yokoo pressed his lips on Fujigaya’s and as they parted, he rested his forehead on his.
“I can’t let it go... I can’t.”
Suddenly Fujigaya’s face showed an expression of pain and he raised to sit, holding his head between his hands.
“Taisuke? What’s wrong?!”
“I don’t want to let go... go away... I don’t want to... forget!”
Fujigaya was fighting again, but this time he was actually in pain. Yokoo could do nothing apart from holding him in his arms and whispering him encouraging words. He kept believing in him, telling him to fight. But as a tear shattered itself on Fujigaya’s cheek, he realized that he was crying. He didn’t want Fujigaya to feel all that pain, he didn’t want him to forget, but forgetting would mean he would forget this pain too?
Fujigaya started panting, and looked like he was about to faint. The consciousness in his eyes was fading away like a candlelight in the wind.
“No matter what Taisuke, no matter what, I won’t forget. I’ll keep the memory of you for us both. You’ll still wake up in my arms and I will remember,” Yokoo whispered, bending his neck over Fujigaya, then he looked into his eyes, vision blurred by tears. Fujigaya raised a hand and brushed his fingers on his cheek, moving away the hair that was covering it.
“You know what I want to say now Wataru?” he muttered.
“What?” Yokoo asked grabbing Fujigaya’s hand and pressing it more against his cheek.
“It’s embarrassing. Why don’t you just guess?” Fujigaya chortled faintly.
“Guess what?” Yokoo shook his head as all he could focus in that moment was Fujigaya’s deep breath and Fujigaya going somewhere away from him. Fujigaya’s hand slipped on the mattress.
“I love you, idiot.” Fujigaya muttered before closing his eyes. His breath became regular again and he looked asleep. Yokoo grabbed his shoulders and screamed his name.
Other people, alarmed by Yokoo’s shouting, had arrived in the room and were all looking in disbelief as Yokoo was hugging Fujigaya on the bed.
“What now?” Senga asked.
“We’ll wait until he wakes up,” Kitayama answered. “He’ll wake up and remember. He will, I’m sure. Right, Yokoo-san?”
“Yeah, sure. He’s just exhausted because he had to fight against it, but... it’s...” Nikaido started sobbing and couldn’t finish the sentence. Miyata did it for him.
“The reset won’t work, right?”
Yokoo laid Fujigaya on the bed and moved away. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand, sighed and then looked at the others.
“We can’t forget him. If we forget, then it’s over. We have to take care of him, even if he won’t remember us.”
--
CHAPTER 21
The space was dark, even the gleaming stars looked gloomy from the spaceship’s windows. The wait absorbed every other thought, strangling it like evil parasites that wrap around everything with their roots. No one had the courage to talk. Even say words of encouragement to each other sounded too tiring. Waiting in space had a feeling of eternity and unchanging.
Yokoo never left Fujigaya’s side, not even when the others were there, willing to watch him to let him rest a bit. It all reminded him of one year before, when Fujigaya had arrived and he had hated how his daily routine had been disrupted by that chatter and loud laugh. But then, in a matter of no time he had gotten used to it, and also grew fond of his way of always being around him, without invading too much his territory.
Fujigaya was a beautiful thing to look at. He couldn’t believe he would actually like someone like him, someone who was used to talk with beasts more than humans, someone who everyone respected but also feared a bit. He didn’t think he had anything special, really, but yet Fujigaya started to display his affection, he started to show he wanted him, and he wanted more from him than friendship. Yokoo didn’t know what to do at first. Disbelief maybe, then fear. The fear of losing him because of his amnesia, the fear of losing him because of himself. He didn’t know if Fujigaya would have liked what he found after the relationship between them would evolve. So the fear had taken over his mind. At the same time, he couldn’t bear Fujigaya suffering because he didn’t want to respond to his feelings. He had felt so stupid after he found out how easy it was to hug him, how easy it was to kiss him and forget of all the things in the world that weren’t the touch of his skin, his heart pounding, his eyes doting on him and his voice calling his name.
Fujigaya had been too easy to love. Yokoo didn’t mind to fulfil his wishes, to respond to every caprice, to stay in the shadow when Fujigaya didn’t need him and to jump out of it if Fujigaya called him. He knew that Fujigaya would have been there for him if he’d ever ended up in troubles. There was a bond between them that didn’t need many words. Although they liked talking - of the planets they saw, the people, their friends, the stars and the dream they were living, they also liked to be silent, next to each other.
Yokoo liked to watch Fujigaya when he was among the others too. Even if he could be terribly moody, everyone loved him and knew he could be also very kind.
Time had passed and Yokoo had forgotten his fear. Their enemy, the memories of Fujigaya’s past, would now never come back.
Takizawa entered the room where Yokoo was beside Fujigaya and Kitayama was dozing off on a chair.
“How is he?”
“Stable. I guess he’ll wake up soon.”
“Wataru, I’m really sorry this happened. I had the fear he might be like Tsubasa...”
“You didn’t know it could be the same thing. How could anyone guess? It’s not your fault. We didn’t even know why Tsubasa kept on losing his memories. Those brain manipulations are impossible to detect.”
“If... I can do anything to help, the planet where Tsubasa lives is very nice and...”
“I won’t sent him away,” Yokoo said firmly. “I can understand how hurt you are when you see Tsubasa, every time he doesn’t remember you. But I promised Taisuke that I’ll remember for us both, so I’ll stay by his side, even if that means that I’ll have to teach him how to skate every single time.”
“I tried, and tried. Year after year. It’s exhausting.” Takizawa put a hand on Yokoo’s shoulder.
“I know. I still have to do it. I promised.”
“Do you think they’ll find out how to destroy those biochips?”
“Maybe they will. Now they know what the cause of the amnesia is.” Yokoo said, staring at Fujigaya’s sleeping face.
“I still didn’t give up you know?” Takizawa said after a pause.
“I know. But you should go get Tsubasa. It’s been too long since you saw him.”
“You must think I’m a coward.”
“I don’t. I think you’re still in time.”
Takizawa smiled and squeezed Yokoo’s shoulder. Kitayama stirred and opened one eye.
“What are you talking about Yokoo? He didn’t wake up yet. He will open his eyes and remember, I’m sure. This guy is stubborn like this.”
Yokoo smiled as he hadn’t done in a while. Maybe all he needed was some blind hope.
--
Fujigaya woke up. His eyelids trembled, then opened. He propped on his elbows and looked around the room. Yokoo was there and was just staring at him nervously.
“Where am I?”
“In the circus spaceship.”
“Who am I?”
“You’re Fujigaya Taisuke and I’m Yokoo Wataru. I’m your friend and I’ll never leave your side.”
Everyone rushed into Fujigaya’s room as soon as they knew he had woken up, they smiled in front of him, but the disappointment could be seen, showing up in their eyes.
He didn’t remember.
Yokoo banged his fist on the corridor’s wall, and looked down while tears of anger and despair were flowing from his eyes.
“It’s time for us to keep remembering him,” Senga said, patting Yokoo’s shoulder.
“I know. It’s just... very frustrating.”
“I think we all hoped that resisting his nature would work,” Kitayama said.
“Why did it go like this?!” Kawai yelled.
“We should work hard from now on,” Tamamori said, while Miyata nodded.
“Hey if he doesn’t remember us, maybe now you’ll have a chance to make him like you, Miyata!” Nikaido said.
“Talk for yourself. He liked me much more than you,” Miyata answered back..
Yokoo smiled. If they could just continue to be themselves they will have no problems. They could all stay by Fujigaya’s side and guide him once again like they did one year before. Suddenly he felt determined again.
“Let’s go and show him some love then!” Senga smiled and headed back to Fujigaya’s room.
--
CHAPTER 19
How to tell everyone?
After Fujigaya landed on Skallar 15, he had a meeting with the authorities and revealed them the truth about Kyorkham. About the robots, about the people they were using and keeping under control. He didn’t know what his revelations were going to cause, but it wasn’t something he wanted to be involved into. He was sure the government was going to use the information in a campaign against Kyorkham, maybe with the intent of starting a war and using the excuse to save the poor people of that planet.
But there was nothing they could to help them. Fujigaya gave them a memory chip that Bell gave to him. It contained all the information about Kyorkham. Long time ago, the planet had been a nice, green planet, similar to all the other colonized planets in the galaxy. But soon people started to abuse machines, and make them better and better. They built factories to show their supremacy in technology to the universe. It was the time when the machines rebelled, slowly, stealthily. People didn’t have time to stop them, when they managed to contaminate the humans with the biochips, they made them believe technology was meant to make them stronger, but the chips were in fact used to modify their memories. Humans forgot who they were, they forgot they weren’t supposed to do the work, but the machines were. They started falling blindly into a chain of nothingness, every day was like the other, every day was spent trying to remember, trying to do the work the machines and the humanoid robots told them they had always been doing. No time to rebel, no time to understand there was something wrong. After a year, all the memories faded and they were slaves with blank minds again. This cycle repeated itself over and over for a long time. If someone realized or rebelled, he was confined until the reset. Then he would be a new person. There was no reason to kill useful and skilled workers.
Fujigaya had realized that reset was what kept him alive, and that the machines were just waiting for time to pass. He knew his reset was close.
Eventually, everyone will find out about his situation. The government would make an official announcement, they will explain, they will convince people of the necessity of a war.
But would they ever find out a way to stop the reset from happening?
Fujigaya looked outside the window of the hovercar that was taking him back to the circus. He knew that even if they did find a solution in the future, they’d never make it in time to save his memories, his precious memories of his year with the circus. He bit his lower lip as he saw the circus spaceship in the distance, his friends all outside the entrance of the Bubble, waiting for him with the warmest smile he had ever seen. Eventually they will find out, but he didn’t feel any urge to tell them.
He went through the memories of the past year, probably the best year of his life, even if he had no recollection of the previous ones. He didn’t want to lose them, he wanted to keep them, seal them, bury them deep inside his soul, but even if now it seemed so easy to do it, he knew that after the reset it would have been impossible to find them again.
--
Fujigaya stirred in his bed and slipped out from under Yokoo’s arm. He looked at his sleeping face. An unusual smile curled his lips, his long eyelashes cast shadows under his eyes. Fujigaya tried to imprint this moment in his eyes, like every other moment he spent with him.
It was no use, but he wanted to live and remember for the last days he had left with this consciousness.
He slowly moved out of bed and got dressed. The circus was still wrapped in silence, after the noisy celebration for his comeback the previous night.
He went out in the corridor and decided to reach the observation deck to see the sun rising. It was still dark, so he had time to make a cup of hot chocolate before heading on the deck. The mess in the canteen was still there. Kawai, sleeping on the floor holding an empty bottle. Kitayama was fast asleep on a chair, and Fujigaya wondered how could he sleep in such an uncomfortable position. He carefully walked out of the room trying not to wake them up. The last thing he wanted was an afterparty, and Kawai was already threatening to organize one even before the previous night ended.
He sat on the observation deck and looked at the sky turning pink, with deep orange spots as the first rays of the sun were starting to touch everything on the surface of the planet.
Fujigaya heard footsteps behind him and as he turned around, he saw Takizawa, smiling gently at him.
“It was fun yesterday, but they all can’t take it in the morning I guess.”
Fujigaya smiled looking at the cup of coffee the other was holding.
“Good morning”
“Taisuke, you seem a bit off. Yesterday too. Your smile isn’t quite the usual. I guess finding out about your planet wasn’t good after all.”
“No it’s just... well it wasn’t good.”
“Taisuke, I have to tell you something.”
“What is it?” Fujigaya asked, turning his whole body in Takizawa’s direction, to pay full attention.
“I know.”
Fujigaya made a surprised face, but then relaxed and asked “How do you know?”
“I knew it from the beginning. I met someone just like you in the past. I just...”
“You knew?!?” Fujigaya stood up, not sure if to feel shocked or outraged or both. “Why? Why didn’t you tell me? Why?”
“There isn’t much I could do, really. Taisuke...”
“I know there isn’t much to do! But you could have... told someone. You could have stopped the machines before and...”
“I didn’t know anything about the machines. Really. Taisuke, let me explain.”
Fujigaya pouted and decided to sit again and listen. He didn’t know what to think about Takizawa in that very moment, but he couldn’t deny him the right to explain why he acted that way.
“The person I met in the past never really said he was from Kyorkham. He never really said much about where he was from, apart from the fact that he wasn’t free there and he was forced to work as a slave. He wanted freedom, that’s why he escaped to look for it across the galaxy.”
“Of course he had no idea he was going to lose his memories in a matter of time, and that’s when I met him, here on Skallar 15, when I was still a mere acrobat in another circus, before buying this ship. His name was Tsubasa, and we started dreaming together from the very first moment we met. We started dreaming of a circus of our own, we started designing this spaceship and he knew a lot about technology, so his projects were quite detailed.”
“So that’s why this ship is so advanced. He knew the secrets of Kyorkham technology!”
“Exactly. But then, when our dream was about to become true - I won’t go into details here, but I made some friends that could help me finance the circus - the reset happened. I didn’t know what happened to Tsubasa, but his memories, our memories, were all lost and he was like a blank page. Nothing I could do could help him. No doctors, no scientists. Finally I gave up.”
“How could you...”
“Taisuke, I was desperate! I didn’t know what to do. The only thing I could think of was to make our dream come true. I was convinced that when he’d see the circus spaceship, his memory would be back. So I worked and worked and I finally managed to have this spaceship built. He was so excited when he saw it. But after he looked at it, he asked me who made such an amazing design. I was torn. I was left with no hope.”
“Where is Tsubasa now?”
“I left him on a nice planet, with people that can take care of him. Throughout the years we realized the pattern of his memory loss was the same every time. He kept on forgetting all the things that happened every year. Over and over. I kept on trying to make him remember who I was, but soon I lost the courage of forcing him to remember me. I decided to keep on loving the memories I had of him.”
“Why? Why did you give up?”
“I’m sorry Taisuke. I know it’s not nice to hear that. But... he forgot about me. He forgot everything, every single time. I still love him and I wish I could stay by his side, but it’s just... too painful.”
Fujigaya felt like punching the glass of the observation deck dome. He knew it would be painful for Yokoo too. He suddenly realized how painful it would be for all the people who loved him.
“I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want to forget the circus and all the people I love.”
“I’m sorry, Taisuke. Maybe I took once again the wrong decision when I decided to take you with us. I obviously wasn’t sure your amnesia was the same as Tsubasa’s, but I had this feeling it could be.”
“I don’t regret it, Takizawa-san, really. Don’t feel sorry.”
“Taisuke...”
“I spent wonderful moments in this place, I’ve found precious friends. I’m still not ready to lose everything. I still want to fight to keep my memories. I won’t give up that easily.”
“Taisuke... I...”
“So stop saying you’re sorry. You just did your job, you gave me a dream to believe in.”
“Just one thing Taisuke. You have to tell the others. Especially Yokoo.”
Fujigaya knew he had to. Takizawa was showing him the despair of someone forgotten, and he didn’t want Yokoo and any of his friends to feel that way. He didn’t want to see that expression in their faces. Their pain and sadness. The helplessness. Forever, over and over.
“I will.”
--
CHAPTER 20
Everyone was still smiling, unable to contain their happiness for Fujigaya’s safe return. Nikaido seemed to have a terrible hangover, but he still was grinning like a kid when Fujigaya called them all in the Bubble. The kids didn’t have a hangover because they hadn’t been allowed any alcohol, “not even a sip” Yokoo had insisted against Kitayama wanting to let one of them drink from his can, but they looked like they were all still high in sugars and happiness.
“Are we going to have another party?”
“Did we obtain permission from Takizawa to use the Bubble? That’s great!” Kawai shouted.
But their smiles started to fade as they noticed Fujigaya’s serious and gloomy expression.
“What is it, Taisuke?” Yokoo asked, coming forward.
“I will forget all about you,” Fujigaya said bluntly.
“What do you mean?” Kitayama asked, half of his face smiling, while the other half couldn’t get the joke. If it was a joke, of course.
In the few minutes that followed, minutes made of eternity, Fujigaya explained how he was going to reset very soon, how he didn’t want to, but he was doomed to forget every single happy moment, every single one of them. They all listened without saying a word, and silence followed Fujigaya’s last words.
Astonishment, disbelief, despair, disappointment. Fujigaya could read all of those in his friends’ faces.
“Is there anything we can do?” Senga’s voice was already broken by sobs and tears menaced to come out from his eyes.
Tamamori was squeezing Miyata’s hand too much, he was probably hurting him, but Miyata was temporarily in another world of shock and disbelief. Kitayama was looking off to his side shaking his head. Nikaido was frowning, as if he were trying to understand something too difficult. Hashimoto was sobbing while Totsuka was hugging him, a sad expression on his face. Kawai didn’t want to believe and so did Goseki. Tsukada’s smile had faded away as he tried to understand how to react to such news. Sou was patting Marious shoulders as those were shaken by sobs. Shori kept shaking his head while looking around him, as Fuuma and Kento looked both extremely serious, like he had never seen them.
Fujigaya dared to look at Yokoo’s face, for the first time since he started talking. He was there, his usual serious face, his dark eyes gleaming, his hands clenching on his knees.
“There is nothing you could do,” Fujigaya said, looking in his direction.
Then he saw Yokoo getting up and climbing the stairs quickly, storming out of the door without a word. Kitayama and others called his name, but he didn’t stop.
“Leave him alone,” Fujigaya said, before dropping to his knees on the sand ring. “There’s nothing anyone can do.”
“Taisuke...” Tamamori and Senga went to hug him, and Fujigaya couldn’t hold the tears anymore.
--
Fujigaya found Yokoo with his beasts. He was sure he was going to be there, the place where he could feel the warmth of his friends that could understand that he was feeling down, but at the same time, they couldn’t ask him questions, and would only stare at him with sympathy. He was inside the cage of the toriagon, tossing a ball that Thush promptly brought back to him.
“Hey...” Fujigaya entered the cage and Yokoo, who was sitting on a stool, turned to look at him. Something in his eyes was broken and the same thing broke Fujigaya that very moment. It was a pain that didn’t need words, nor sounds. It was a pain that cut all the other feelings with its light heaviness.
Fujigaya stroked Thush’s head and the toriagon leaned against him, like a big cat looking for cuddles.
“We didn’t get a chance to talk since...”
“We don’t need to talk.”
“I’m sorry Wataru. I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want to forget you of all the people,” Fujigaya knelt down to reach Yokoo’s eye level and stared at those deep eyes. Deep and lost, and broken, but still glimmering and reflecting the light of the world outside. “I should have told you as soon as I knew.”
“Taisuke, you just waited one day. Besides it’s better you did it in front of the others.”
“But...”
Yokoo looked into Fujigaya’s eyes without blinking. Despair, resolution, sweetness in his eyes.
“I won’t let you forget Taisuke. I won’t.”
Tears started to form in Fujigaya’s eyes, but they would stay there, held by Yokoo’s sweet determination.
“And even if you forget, I will remember. I will remember for both of us.”
Fujigaya wrapped his arms around Yokoo, squeezing him as he could stop the memories of him from fading away just by taking him away with him. He wasn’t fighting alone, he wasn’t going to forget. He was going to grasp to his memories with his nails if necessary. He was going to fight against his own nature, no matter what.
Inside their hug, they didn’t feel the fear. They were not asking themselves how they were going to fight, they just knew they would, and they would do it together.
--
Everyone in the circus wanted Fujigaya’s last days to be memorable. They organized the biggest show ever. They wanted him to be happy and smile every single moment. They all wanted to create nice memories that wouldn’t last, eventually.
Fujigaya told them he wasn’t going to forget. Yokoo told everyone too, and they all admired their determination, but pitied them at the same time. Takizawa told Fujigaya again that there wasn’t anything he and Tsubasa didn’t try, but Fujigaya just smiled.
“You miss him, right?”
“Every single moment.” Takizawa replied with a sad smile.
The time left wasn’t enough and the only thing was to spend it in the best way possible. They all decided to show Fujigaya only their smiling faces. The thought that he would still be there, but he would be a different person, seemed to never surface, but they were all haunted by it, during the lonely moments, or in the corners of their conversations when Fujigaya wasn’t there. At the same time it was difficult to imagine how that would be, but many of them knew Tsubasa, and they had seen it happen before. Yokoo remembered Takizawa’s pain. He was still a child when he joined the circus and he remembered when Takizawa went to visit Tsubasa, or when Tsubasa came to see the circus and asked who built that. Yokoo knew it had been him and he knew how every single thing he said was hurting Takizawa.
Fujigaya spent a lot of time in Yokoo’s arms. He needed to remember his warmth, his smell, his smile. Yokoo didn’t want to let him go, he would never release his grip.
Time dripped away, a tap that could be never turned off completely, in tiny drops of delightful moments and lonely moments of despair. It slipped away from Fujigaya’s fingers like sand in the wind, but he wasn’t going to fight against time. The real fight, against himself, was about to start.
“I want to be in space,” Fujigaya said one day, and they decided to leave Skallar 15 and start their new tour after the last, memorable show.
The show was amazing and Fujigaya shone as brightly as a star, and everyone was shining with him, smiling and dreaming. He would never forget the feelings he was giving to people and that strength he was receiving from them.
Every night in the spaceship, the dreadful fear of waking up in an unknown place arose, but Fujigaya didn’t want the fear to win. Fearing to fall asleep, would mean surrender. Every time he felt his head heavy, he thought he was about to lose it, but he fought back, he shook his head, he slapped his face.
Yokoo and the others noticed Fujigaya’s dimmed expression, his fights against a destiny he didn’t want to succumb to, and there was nothing they could do, except believing in him. Silently, they were all praying. They were all wishing to keep all the memories they had of him in a solid form that they could let him drink after the reset happened. But there was no such thing. Their memories, Fujigaya’s memories were made of a substance that no one could touch, despite the feeling it gave were undeniable.
If he stopped thinking about them, if he stopped remembering, then his friends would all disappear. They would have never existed in Fujigaya’s mind. And the only thing left of him, would be their memories, like puddles after a storm, like footsteps on the snow, an ephemeral sign that someone had been there, but the presence of his absence would be too much to bear.
“We’ll keep you alive. We’ll keep the Taisuke we know inside us. If we do that, you’ll come back,” Yokoo said one night, as he was gently twisting Fujigaya’s hair with his fingers while laying side by side on the bed. Fujigaya’s hand was placed in the middle of Yokoo’s chest, raising at every breath he took and sinking down again in a slow, relaxed rhythm.
“It hurts Wataru, it hurts so much.”
“I’m here Taisuke, I wish I could share your pain.”
“You are.”
Yokoo pressed his lips on Fujigaya’s and as they parted, he rested his forehead on his.
“I can’t let it go... I can’t.”
Suddenly Fujigaya’s face showed an expression of pain and he raised to sit, holding his head between his hands.
“Taisuke? What’s wrong?!”
“I don’t want to let go... go away... I don’t want to... forget!”
Fujigaya was fighting again, but this time he was actually in pain. Yokoo could do nothing apart from holding him in his arms and whispering him encouraging words. He kept believing in him, telling him to fight. But as a tear shattered itself on Fujigaya’s cheek, he realized that he was crying. He didn’t want Fujigaya to feel all that pain, he didn’t want him to forget, but forgetting would mean he would forget this pain too?
Fujigaya started panting, and looked like he was about to faint. The consciousness in his eyes was fading away like a candlelight in the wind.
“No matter what Taisuke, no matter what, I won’t forget. I’ll keep the memory of you for us both. You’ll still wake up in my arms and I will remember,” Yokoo whispered, bending his neck over Fujigaya, then he looked into his eyes, vision blurred by tears. Fujigaya raised a hand and brushed his fingers on his cheek, moving away the hair that was covering it.
“You know what I want to say now Wataru?” he muttered.
“What?” Yokoo asked grabbing Fujigaya’s hand and pressing it more against his cheek.
“It’s embarrassing. Why don’t you just guess?” Fujigaya chortled faintly.
“Guess what?” Yokoo shook his head as all he could focus in that moment was Fujigaya’s deep breath and Fujigaya going somewhere away from him. Fujigaya’s hand slipped on the mattress.
“I love you, idiot.” Fujigaya muttered before closing his eyes. His breath became regular again and he looked asleep. Yokoo grabbed his shoulders and screamed his name.
Other people, alarmed by Yokoo’s shouting, had arrived in the room and were all looking in disbelief as Yokoo was hugging Fujigaya on the bed.
“What now?” Senga asked.
“We’ll wait until he wakes up,” Kitayama answered. “He’ll wake up and remember. He will, I’m sure. Right, Yokoo-san?”
“Yeah, sure. He’s just exhausted because he had to fight against it, but... it’s...” Nikaido started sobbing and couldn’t finish the sentence. Miyata did it for him.
“The reset won’t work, right?”
Yokoo laid Fujigaya on the bed and moved away. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand, sighed and then looked at the others.
“We can’t forget him. If we forget, then it’s over. We have to take care of him, even if he won’t remember us.”
--
CHAPTER 21
The space was dark, even the gleaming stars looked gloomy from the spaceship’s windows. The wait absorbed every other thought, strangling it like evil parasites that wrap around everything with their roots. No one had the courage to talk. Even say words of encouragement to each other sounded too tiring. Waiting in space had a feeling of eternity and unchanging.
Yokoo never left Fujigaya’s side, not even when the others were there, willing to watch him to let him rest a bit. It all reminded him of one year before, when Fujigaya had arrived and he had hated how his daily routine had been disrupted by that chatter and loud laugh. But then, in a matter of no time he had gotten used to it, and also grew fond of his way of always being around him, without invading too much his territory.
Fujigaya was a beautiful thing to look at. He couldn’t believe he would actually like someone like him, someone who was used to talk with beasts more than humans, someone who everyone respected but also feared a bit. He didn’t think he had anything special, really, but yet Fujigaya started to display his affection, he started to show he wanted him, and he wanted more from him than friendship. Yokoo didn’t know what to do at first. Disbelief maybe, then fear. The fear of losing him because of his amnesia, the fear of losing him because of himself. He didn’t know if Fujigaya would have liked what he found after the relationship between them would evolve. So the fear had taken over his mind. At the same time, he couldn’t bear Fujigaya suffering because he didn’t want to respond to his feelings. He had felt so stupid after he found out how easy it was to hug him, how easy it was to kiss him and forget of all the things in the world that weren’t the touch of his skin, his heart pounding, his eyes doting on him and his voice calling his name.
Fujigaya had been too easy to love. Yokoo didn’t mind to fulfil his wishes, to respond to every caprice, to stay in the shadow when Fujigaya didn’t need him and to jump out of it if Fujigaya called him. He knew that Fujigaya would have been there for him if he’d ever ended up in troubles. There was a bond between them that didn’t need many words. Although they liked talking - of the planets they saw, the people, their friends, the stars and the dream they were living, they also liked to be silent, next to each other.
Yokoo liked to watch Fujigaya when he was among the others too. Even if he could be terribly moody, everyone loved him and knew he could be also very kind.
Time had passed and Yokoo had forgotten his fear. Their enemy, the memories of Fujigaya’s past, would now never come back.
Takizawa entered the room where Yokoo was beside Fujigaya and Kitayama was dozing off on a chair.
“How is he?”
“Stable. I guess he’ll wake up soon.”
“Wataru, I’m really sorry this happened. I had the fear he might be like Tsubasa...”
“You didn’t know it could be the same thing. How could anyone guess? It’s not your fault. We didn’t even know why Tsubasa kept on losing his memories. Those brain manipulations are impossible to detect.”
“If... I can do anything to help, the planet where Tsubasa lives is very nice and...”
“I won’t sent him away,” Yokoo said firmly. “I can understand how hurt you are when you see Tsubasa, every time he doesn’t remember you. But I promised Taisuke that I’ll remember for us both, so I’ll stay by his side, even if that means that I’ll have to teach him how to skate every single time.”
“I tried, and tried. Year after year. It’s exhausting.” Takizawa put a hand on Yokoo’s shoulder.
“I know. I still have to do it. I promised.”
“Do you think they’ll find out how to destroy those biochips?”
“Maybe they will. Now they know what the cause of the amnesia is.” Yokoo said, staring at Fujigaya’s sleeping face.
“I still didn’t give up you know?” Takizawa said after a pause.
“I know. But you should go get Tsubasa. It’s been too long since you saw him.”
“You must think I’m a coward.”
“I don’t. I think you’re still in time.”
Takizawa smiled and squeezed Yokoo’s shoulder. Kitayama stirred and opened one eye.
“What are you talking about Yokoo? He didn’t wake up yet. He will open his eyes and remember, I’m sure. This guy is stubborn like this.”
Yokoo smiled as he hadn’t done in a while. Maybe all he needed was some blind hope.
--
Fujigaya woke up. His eyelids trembled, then opened. He propped on his elbows and looked around the room. Yokoo was there and was just staring at him nervously.
“Where am I?”
“In the circus spaceship.”
“Who am I?”
“You’re Fujigaya Taisuke and I’m Yokoo Wataru. I’m your friend and I’ll never leave your side.”
Everyone rushed into Fujigaya’s room as soon as they knew he had woken up, they smiled in front of him, but the disappointment could be seen, showing up in their eyes.
He didn’t remember.
Yokoo banged his fist on the corridor’s wall, and looked down while tears of anger and despair were flowing from his eyes.
“It’s time for us to keep remembering him,” Senga said, patting Yokoo’s shoulder.
“I know. It’s just... very frustrating.”
“I think we all hoped that resisting his nature would work,” Kitayama said.
“Why did it go like this?!” Kawai yelled.
“We should work hard from now on,” Tamamori said, while Miyata nodded.
“Hey if he doesn’t remember us, maybe now you’ll have a chance to make him like you, Miyata!” Nikaido said.
“Talk for yourself. He liked me much more than you,” Miyata answered back..
Yokoo smiled. If they could just continue to be themselves they will have no problems. They could all stay by Fujigaya’s side and guide him once again like they did one year before. Suddenly he felt determined again.
“Let’s go and show him some love then!” Senga smiled and headed back to Fujigaya’s room.
--