5 months.
Its been Five months since everything happened. And everyday it gets harder. I hardly manage to get by without a memory tracing through my mind.
It would be a little over 10 months of us together.. and it killsme inside.
I found Pictures and e-mails from him today. And those e-cards that say "i love you" and "feel better".
I must have been sick when he sent those.
I also came across this: apparently i had saved it. I always saved conversations... mostly in fear itd be our last.
kaputteinsamkeit (10:11:59 PM): hallo girlie.
Auto response from PaddingtonQH (10:12:00 PM): Bowling with Leslie and Amanda ♥
kaputteinsamkeit (10:12:01 PM): i cant find my mom..
kaputteinsamkeit (10:12:02 PM): so
kaputteinsamkeit (10:18:08 PM): i called my doctor and he said that he is sending an ambulance cause its important for me to get there as soon as i possibly can..ill probably be staying the night..im sorry we dont get to talk tonight..and im not calling you and telling you this cause i dont want you to think about it while your out with your friends...i want you to have fun..and i hope you did have fun..so ill call you when i get home tomorrow..i love you..and dont worry about me..ill be fine..i love you amy..and everyday that word means more..everyday my feelings for you get stronger..i can only imagine how strong they will be the next time we're together..i love you..you mean so much to me..
kaputteinsamkeit (10:18:25 PM): but i just called you and i didnt mean to tell you that i was gonna call an ambulance
kaputteinsamkeit (10:18:31 PM): but you asked an di didnt want to lie
kaputteinsamkeit (10:18:37 PM): so this entire message has no real point
kaputteinsamkeit (10:18:44 PM): except to tell you that i love you
kaputteinsamkeit (10:18:53 PM): cause i do.
kaputteinsamkeit (10:18:57 PM): i love you so much.
kaputteinsamkeit (10:19:15 PM): goodnight sleeptight and dont let the bed bugs bite and if they do ill kill em <3
kaputteinsamkeit (10:19:29 PM): and yeah i did one of those cool little heart thingers
kaputteinsamkeit (10:19:38 PM): what you gon do bout it?
kaputteinsamkeit (10:19:39 PM): mwah
kaputteinsamkeit (10:19:50 PM): (blows kiss for every mental person in a mental institute
kaputteinsamkeit signed off at 10:20:30 PM.
kaputteinsamkeit signed on at 10:56:36 PM.
kaputteinsamkeit (11:04:36 PM): um hi i think this is amy i hope it is anyways but this is kirstin, mathias's sister and he wanted me to tell you, well he wrote it down so ill just type exactly what he wrote, "kirstin go on my computer and tell amy to call and leave a message when she gets home to tell me about her night" but yeah he left in an ambulance like 30 minutes ago and i dont really know whats going on so i cant really give you any more details but im gonna go just dont forget to call my brother cause im sure it would mean alot to him to get a call from you right now, he talks about you all the time, so call him please it will mean so much to him
Auto response from PaddingtonQH (11:04:36 PM): Bowling with Leslie and Amanda ♥
kaputteinsamkeit (11:04:42 PM): bye bye
kaputteinsamkeit signed off at 11:06:03
I remember that day. I was so scared. But that was just one of many. No where near the worst or the most hard to go through. It makes me cry to read that.
It makes me cry really hard. It made me cry the first time i read it too.
I think ill probably cry everytime i read it. Any time i read anything from Tucker. His old e-mails were so sweet.
They remind me of why i loved him so much and how much he loved me.
It reminds me of when i was happy and the world seemed alright. Even with his sickness.. things werent nearly as hard as they are without him.
Id give up anything for him back. To hear his voice... to see that smile and hear that laugh.
To get my blown kisses and here "girly".
I want to call him "ninjaman" and request songs from him. I want to fall asleep to him on the phone with me. I just want him.
I also came across this:
My best friend, Tucker, has cancer. He is very sick right now and has been in the hospital since wednesday. The last two days he has been unconcious and unaware of everything around him. Please please please pray for him. He needs all the support he can get. He is such an amazing person and he lives to make everyone else happy. He would die for a complete stanger. Hes helped so many people and now its time for everyone, if you know him or not, to come together for him. It would mean alot to me.. and mostly to him if you kept him in your prays and gave all your hope and faith you can give to him.
Thank you and god bless
♥
i remember how i posted that all over myspace, my away messages, lj and everywhere else i could. That was the first of many..
later on there were banners and support groups i had set up specifically for him. I loved him. I still love him till this day.
Im not sure why i wrote "best friend" we were so much more than that. Everyone new... i forgot. I think i just wanted people to take it more seriously.
and "boyfriend" didnt sound serious enough for me.
or maybe thats the comment Hunther left on his page... i had just stole it to post in a bulletin. im not sure.
and this convo with his friend: (clearly only part of it)
hunths 15 (4:44:12 PM): if you were gone he would die
hunths 15 (4:44:17 PM): you dont understand how much you mean to him
hunths 15 (4:44:30 PM): when he was here you were all we heard about from "America"
hunths 15 (4:48:23 PM): yeah i understand that but you dont know how happy he is when he is talking about you, never seen him happier.
and believe me i understand how you feel. but i know he cares about you and i know he loves you.
i bolded that parts that go straight to my heart. How come im still here? and hes gone? if without me he would die.. i was there.. i didnt go anywhere.. and he still left me.
why? its so unfair. Id always talk to his friends and his sister....
elskeovenpagynge: hi..my aunt just called me and said that my dad just told her that mathias is conscious enough to talk
and hes starting to gain more strength .
elskeovenpagynge: and she told me that the second he could talk he asked for you
PaddingtonQH: awwwe thats so sweet
and this conversation i had after the day tucker stopped breathing and almost didnt make it. I was on the phone with him the whole night.. and the whole time while
he was practically dyingUntil about 5 minutes before the ambulance came. It was so hard.The day that i spent crying with katie and my friends.
I love them for being there for me that day. I remember how tucker had told me to go to katies.. and that he would be fine and he wouldnt give up.
And i went to katies even though i wanted to stay at home and cry.. but i went because he asked me to. (i was glad i went though)
his sister was so nice:
elskeovenpagynge: when i first came home there was a message on our house phone and it was my dad telling me how when they got him into the ambulance
he stopped breathing and his pulse stopped...but then they got him back less than a minute later..so we all thought that this was it.
elskeovenpagynge: but thankfully..he is doing fine.
PaddingtonQH: oh my gosh. thats so scary
elskeovenpagynge: yeah and something else too...
elskeovenpagynge: i really want to thank you
PaddingtonQH: wow im so thankful he is okay now because i dont know what id do without him
elskeovenpagynge: my brother has changed so much since you.
PaddingtonQH: awwe really?
elskeovenpagynge: in a good way.
PaddingtonQH: well actually he does alot for me to
PaddingtonQH: like a whole lot
elskeovenpagynge: he used to be so depressed..like he wouldnt show it but i knew he was deep down inside..cause hes always so busy putting up with other
peoples issues including mine and he doesnt have to but he does it anyways...and ever since he started talking to you he is always so happy and its not just a show he is genuinely happy
elskeovenpagynge: and thats all because of you.
elskeovenpagynge: and so thank you
PaddingtonQH: he really does mean alot to me he is such a good person
elskeovenpagynge: cause my brother deserves to be happy and thats what you do for him
PaddingtonQH: awwe well im really glad to here that
elskeovenpagynge: and hes always telling me about how he loves you
elskeovenpagynge: he really does you know
i wish i could rewind time. And savor all those moments we spent. I wish i could rewind time and stop these tears.