(no subject)
so this will be the last update i ever make in this thing.
same old story, i stop being funny, people stop caring.
i have realized alot in the past few hours. namely that 95% of the people who i have ever 'hung with' or the likes were never my friends. captiveclown. i have spent my entire life being a comedian. hell, i even got the 'jerry seinfield' award in middle school (8th grade) from mrs. tomko and mrs. traister. and since then, it's been 'keep the laughs coming, and we'll keep coming'. i remember kids giving me shit in 8th and 9th grade for making comments that had meaning, because without the rimshot at the end of my sentence, no one wanted to hear it.
i hate that they cut down all those trees on belle terre. it is like the final straw that shows that what this town used to be to me is dead. i hate what this town, and the people in it, (including myself) have become in the past seven years.
every day this town breeds more idiots and scumbags.
every day this town becomes more and more of a shithole with more constuction leading to no where but messes.
every day i look at the three pictures in my room of myself, and get pissed that i was genuinely smiling. i think i get pissed because in those three pictures, i am really happy to be where i am with what i am doing. but in every recent picture, namely, the ones outside in the living room and dining room, its the same thing over and over again. me, feigning a smile and a happy face on the left side, my mom in the middle, and ryan on the right. every time. my beard shifts in length, and our outfits change depending on the weather and holiday.
i want to leave my house, and i want to leave this town. i want to have a big goofy ass smile on my face in pictures again. and i want that smile to be there because i wanted that picture taken, as a memory, not because the picture is taken ritualistically at every family event, in a more predictable manner than a menstrual cycle.
like, right now, i just looked to my left, and there is a picture of me...i'd put me at about 8 or 9, and i am laughing hysterically at something. i don't know what it is, all i know is that i want to grab him out of the picture and get him to tell me how to be naive and stupid again.
i am so fed up with the petty bullshit that cycles around me like satellites, when i don't want any of it. family shit, shit with 'friends', shit with 'the real world', and everything else.
through all this griping about how much i hate everything and everyone, i need to make one last comment, this time a very positive one. this, being my last entry, needs to mention elissa. i never really have in the journal, mostly because when people sit there and gush about their significant others and put little hearts around their names and all that bullshit i wanna shove my dick in the hard drive and not have to look at it anymore. (it's something about the 'i'll love you forever and always' after they've been dating for a week that seems to tee me off.)
i love elissa with all my heart. she is the only person in this world who i would do anything for, give anything up for, and, despite how trite this sounds, die for. the more and more that i am around her, the more and more i realize that i have made this shell around myself to keep others out, and the more and more i realize i want to break it. that way i can laugh and smile just like in my pictures from 10 years ago.
for a while, events in my life led me to believe that everyone was fake, and that ultimately, love was dead. that our (and our parents) generation had killed it. but ellie is everything that i thought i would never find.
so, if you are not elissa marie "may" swick, then you can fuck off, because i know exactly what you think about me, and there's a good chance that i don't like you either.
i don't expect comments, no one ever does anymore. i guess i stopped being funny.
same old story, i stop being funny, people stop caring.
i have realized alot in the past few hours. namely that 95% of the people who i have ever 'hung with' or the likes were never my friends. captiveclown. i have spent my entire life being a comedian. hell, i even got the 'jerry seinfield' award in middle school (8th grade) from mrs. tomko and mrs. traister. and since then, it's been 'keep the laughs coming, and we'll keep coming'. i remember kids giving me shit in 8th and 9th grade for making comments that had meaning, because without the rimshot at the end of my sentence, no one wanted to hear it.
i hate that they cut down all those trees on belle terre. it is like the final straw that shows that what this town used to be to me is dead. i hate what this town, and the people in it, (including myself) have become in the past seven years.
every day this town breeds more idiots and scumbags.
every day this town becomes more and more of a shithole with more constuction leading to no where but messes.
every day i look at the three pictures in my room of myself, and get pissed that i was genuinely smiling. i think i get pissed because in those three pictures, i am really happy to be where i am with what i am doing. but in every recent picture, namely, the ones outside in the living room and dining room, its the same thing over and over again. me, feigning a smile and a happy face on the left side, my mom in the middle, and ryan on the right. every time. my beard shifts in length, and our outfits change depending on the weather and holiday.
i want to leave my house, and i want to leave this town. i want to have a big goofy ass smile on my face in pictures again. and i want that smile to be there because i wanted that picture taken, as a memory, not because the picture is taken ritualistically at every family event, in a more predictable manner than a menstrual cycle.
like, right now, i just looked to my left, and there is a picture of me...i'd put me at about 8 or 9, and i am laughing hysterically at something. i don't know what it is, all i know is that i want to grab him out of the picture and get him to tell me how to be naive and stupid again.
i am so fed up with the petty bullshit that cycles around me like satellites, when i don't want any of it. family shit, shit with 'friends', shit with 'the real world', and everything else.
through all this griping about how much i hate everything and everyone, i need to make one last comment, this time a very positive one. this, being my last entry, needs to mention elissa. i never really have in the journal, mostly because when people sit there and gush about their significant others and put little hearts around their names and all that bullshit i wanna shove my dick in the hard drive and not have to look at it anymore. (it's something about the 'i'll love you forever and always' after they've been dating for a week that seems to tee me off.)
i love elissa with all my heart. she is the only person in this world who i would do anything for, give anything up for, and, despite how trite this sounds, die for. the more and more that i am around her, the more and more i realize that i have made this shell around myself to keep others out, and the more and more i realize i want to break it. that way i can laugh and smile just like in my pictures from 10 years ago.
for a while, events in my life led me to believe that everyone was fake, and that ultimately, love was dead. that our (and our parents) generation had killed it. but ellie is everything that i thought i would never find.
so, if you are not elissa marie "may" swick, then you can fuck off, because i know exactly what you think about me, and there's a good chance that i don't like you either.
i don't expect comments, no one ever does anymore. i guess i stopped being funny.