4:45 AM
Im sick of eating icing. i want something real for once.
relationships seem like they are only in existence for selfish reasons, for us to feel whole. like some how im not a full person and i need someone outside of me to fill me up. we are all empty shells by that logic. everyone is a user and and lets themselves be used. we want to feel pretty, powerful and whole. happiness is a dick or pussy it seems. it's partner related, i need him or her for it. i feel empty, i feel like i don't matter. i don't feel like in a unique snowflake. so i go out and get someone and then i feel like im on the top of the world. relationships follow the same pattern as addict trying to get his next fix. i see no examples of depth and i can say that from personal experience and by watching those around me. there is a part of me that envies it, envies the fact that they have someone to make them feel special and i have no one. in reality, it's all just frosting. it's nothing of any intrinsic value. it's the same as if i fucked women every night to feel good about myself through cumming. addictions run rampant, and relationships seem to be one of them. my parents have been married for 25 years and i can see the same thing. use me while i use you seems to be the motto. is it so wrong to do that knowing that you are? to lie and cheat? we all end up doing it anyway wouldn't it make more sense to just be honest about it and do it realizing you are? my parents fill roles for each other. my mother is the role that my father wanted his mother to be and vice versa. it's tragically romantic and desperately pathetic at the same time. girls like to feel pretty and guys like to feel powerful. it's a trade off, we all use each other to feel whole or special. whats the point of it then? is that all there is? use and be used? i don't want that.
im tired of eating the icing, i want the fucking cake. it is clearly not on the surface, on the outside. i guess what i want is to get hurt and cry and beg. to fall face first into the mud cause maybe thats where something that has meaning is. i want to walk on the road but not drive because i don't want to miss anything. is it to much to want something real? to want someone who i can actually love without having anything i want or they need from me? is that to much? does that even exist? it's easy for me at this point to say fuck it and throw my arms in the air. but i wont, i guess i still have some hope in me. there is nothing that i can say that gives me hope, not one thing. i just have hope. it's just there like breathing or my heart beating. it is just like my love, unjustifiable.
Pablo
relationships seem like they are only in existence for selfish reasons, for us to feel whole. like some how im not a full person and i need someone outside of me to fill me up. we are all empty shells by that logic. everyone is a user and and lets themselves be used. we want to feel pretty, powerful and whole. happiness is a dick or pussy it seems. it's partner related, i need him or her for it. i feel empty, i feel like i don't matter. i don't feel like in a unique snowflake. so i go out and get someone and then i feel like im on the top of the world. relationships follow the same pattern as addict trying to get his next fix. i see no examples of depth and i can say that from personal experience and by watching those around me. there is a part of me that envies it, envies the fact that they have someone to make them feel special and i have no one. in reality, it's all just frosting. it's nothing of any intrinsic value. it's the same as if i fucked women every night to feel good about myself through cumming. addictions run rampant, and relationships seem to be one of them. my parents have been married for 25 years and i can see the same thing. use me while i use you seems to be the motto. is it so wrong to do that knowing that you are? to lie and cheat? we all end up doing it anyway wouldn't it make more sense to just be honest about it and do it realizing you are? my parents fill roles for each other. my mother is the role that my father wanted his mother to be and vice versa. it's tragically romantic and desperately pathetic at the same time. girls like to feel pretty and guys like to feel powerful. it's a trade off, we all use each other to feel whole or special. whats the point of it then? is that all there is? use and be used? i don't want that.
im tired of eating the icing, i want the fucking cake. it is clearly not on the surface, on the outside. i guess what i want is to get hurt and cry and beg. to fall face first into the mud cause maybe thats where something that has meaning is. i want to walk on the road but not drive because i don't want to miss anything. is it to much to want something real? to want someone who i can actually love without having anything i want or they need from me? is that to much? does that even exist? it's easy for me at this point to say fuck it and throw my arms in the air. but i wont, i guess i still have some hope in me. there is nothing that i can say that gives me hope, not one thing. i just have hope. it's just there like breathing or my heart beating. it is just like my love, unjustifiable.
Pablo