Sex
I have gotten to thinking more and more lately about sex. What it means to me, what I feel about it, the role it plays in my relationship(marriage), etc...
It has been something I have thought about long before I even knew what it was called and quite frequently ever since, but the last few months I have really been trying to hash out all of my motives for it. I know I keep whining about this whole affair thing, but one of the first things that came out when we began reconciling was how my spouse really felt about sex with me. It is one of the few issues that I am still struggling with. I forgave the affair almost immediate after my spouse expressed a desire to try to work things out with me. The sex part of the affair really didn't bother me as much as I thought it would have, but considering my views on sex and sexuality I'm not surprised. When it came to my spouse having sex with someone else, it was mostly that I felt slighted as I was excluded from it and that my sexual 'needs' were being ignored for those months. If I had been told about it beforehand I would have been fine with the extra-marital sex so long as I was still the #1 priority. And if it ever came to me not being their primary, I would be ok with that. I would be sad of course, but not devastated which is how I felt about being lied to and used for all of the years we were together before the end of the affair. More specifically, my sexual desires and cravings were used against me in that my spouse pretended to like what I liked and "went along with it so that I wouldn't leave them." In other words, the most difficult part of reconciling has not been about the affair at all, but about how for years I was being lied to and how my sexual cravings were being exploited. Some of my fondest memories of time spent together are centered around the sex we used to have. Now all of those memories feel tainted and I feel as though I've been ripped off. As if my spouse stole so much of the precious little happiness I have been able to hoard away in my memories.
Some days I just want to be anywhere but here. I'm tired of feeling this way, it's just so pathetic and that's just not me. Sometimes I wonder how I got to being this way, feeling beating down all the time.
Truly,
K
It has been something I have thought about long before I even knew what it was called and quite frequently ever since, but the last few months I have really been trying to hash out all of my motives for it. I know I keep whining about this whole affair thing, but one of the first things that came out when we began reconciling was how my spouse really felt about sex with me. It is one of the few issues that I am still struggling with. I forgave the affair almost immediate after my spouse expressed a desire to try to work things out with me. The sex part of the affair really didn't bother me as much as I thought it would have, but considering my views on sex and sexuality I'm not surprised. When it came to my spouse having sex with someone else, it was mostly that I felt slighted as I was excluded from it and that my sexual 'needs' were being ignored for those months. If I had been told about it beforehand I would have been fine with the extra-marital sex so long as I was still the #1 priority. And if it ever came to me not being their primary, I would be ok with that. I would be sad of course, but not devastated which is how I felt about being lied to and used for all of the years we were together before the end of the affair. More specifically, my sexual desires and cravings were used against me in that my spouse pretended to like what I liked and "went along with it so that I wouldn't leave them." In other words, the most difficult part of reconciling has not been about the affair at all, but about how for years I was being lied to and how my sexual cravings were being exploited. Some of my fondest memories of time spent together are centered around the sex we used to have. Now all of those memories feel tainted and I feel as though I've been ripped off. As if my spouse stole so much of the precious little happiness I have been able to hoard away in my memories.
Some days I just want to be anywhere but here. I'm tired of feeling this way, it's just so pathetic and that's just not me. Sometimes I wonder how I got to being this way, feeling beating down all the time.
Truly,
K