Another song
Now - Days of the New
I feel alone even with myself
But it does better me
I'd like to tell you how I'm feeling now
But it ruins everything
You try to judge me now, tomorrow's okay
You try to tell me now how I should feel
I don't feel like I should be here
I feel alone even with myself
Do you know what I mean?
I can't explain those things that seem to repel me
They ruin everything
Your fears are working now, but I don't complain
I'm working hard to listen and that's okay
Don't you know it's not okay to be afraid of me
I hate to tell you but you're in my way
I hate when someone tries to push me away
Don't you know you can't be afraid of me
Giving away all I'm feeling now
Why don't you listen to this heart full of pain
Sounds like complaining, but it's hard to refrain
Don't you know you can't be afraid of me
Giving away all I'm feeling now
I really should just keep my feelings to myself. Whenever I open up, even just a little, it only makes things worse. The first two stanzas really struck a cord with me when this song came up on random a little bit ago. I made the mistake of opening up to my spouse yesterday. It all started Sunday.
Sunday was so beautiful, so wonderful. It was the first time in years my spouse made love to me. Don't get me wrong, we've been having sex, but it hasn't been making love for so long. It wasn't making love for months even before the affair. I felt closer to them than I have in so long and it was so wonderful. I made the mistake of opening up a little more to them. I felt safe and before I knew it I was talking about some of the worry and anxiety that I've been bottling up since we decided to reconcile. It was immediately met with suspicion. "What's wrong? What are you not telling me? What have you done?" In the last day I've been told that I am depressed, that something more is going on that I must be hiding, and that I must have done or at least wanted to do something destructive. That I must have a crush on someone, or that I must have 'met' someone.
Last I checked, it wasn't me who had the affair. I did all that I could to *not* make you suffer for your mistake. I know I wasn't perfect, I hurt you too, but why must I *again* suffer for it?
School starts soon, 15 months after that and they'll have a steady job. A year after that we should be debt free. That is the deadline. If this marriage isn't working by then I'm done.
-K
*Edit*
Oh yeah, and while my head was spinning and about to explode with all of this I made the mistake of venting at a friend. I fear I have scared them off because of it. Can I not screw up even more today? Well, there's still some daylight left so I suppose so. I wonder what else I'll ruin today.
I feel alone even with myself
But it does better me
I'd like to tell you how I'm feeling now
But it ruins everything
You try to judge me now, tomorrow's okay
You try to tell me now how I should feel
I don't feel like I should be here
I feel alone even with myself
Do you know what I mean?
I can't explain those things that seem to repel me
They ruin everything
Your fears are working now, but I don't complain
I'm working hard to listen and that's okay
Don't you know it's not okay to be afraid of me
I hate to tell you but you're in my way
I hate when someone tries to push me away
Don't you know you can't be afraid of me
Giving away all I'm feeling now
Why don't you listen to this heart full of pain
Sounds like complaining, but it's hard to refrain
Don't you know you can't be afraid of me
Giving away all I'm feeling now
I really should just keep my feelings to myself. Whenever I open up, even just a little, it only makes things worse. The first two stanzas really struck a cord with me when this song came up on random a little bit ago. I made the mistake of opening up to my spouse yesterday. It all started Sunday.
Sunday was so beautiful, so wonderful. It was the first time in years my spouse made love to me. Don't get me wrong, we've been having sex, but it hasn't been making love for so long. It wasn't making love for months even before the affair. I felt closer to them than I have in so long and it was so wonderful. I made the mistake of opening up a little more to them. I felt safe and before I knew it I was talking about some of the worry and anxiety that I've been bottling up since we decided to reconcile. It was immediately met with suspicion. "What's wrong? What are you not telling me? What have you done?" In the last day I've been told that I am depressed, that something more is going on that I must be hiding, and that I must have done or at least wanted to do something destructive. That I must have a crush on someone, or that I must have 'met' someone.
Last I checked, it wasn't me who had the affair. I did all that I could to *not* make you suffer for your mistake. I know I wasn't perfect, I hurt you too, but why must I *again* suffer for it?
School starts soon, 15 months after that and they'll have a steady job. A year after that we should be debt free. That is the deadline. If this marriage isn't working by then I'm done.
-K
*Edit*
Oh yeah, and while my head was spinning and about to explode with all of this I made the mistake of venting at a friend. I fear I have scared them off because of it. Can I not screw up even more today? Well, there's still some daylight left so I suppose so. I wonder what else I'll ruin today.