Slump
I feel lost. It was a rather emotional weekend. I started out friday cleaning the house and feeling sad and bitter. It was a low self esteem moment none the less. I was just sitting by wondering what went wrong with anyone that I was interested in. The question why am I never good enough popped up more than once. As did the question of what does this mean with the next interest I have. Should I even bother?
Well I put that on hold at work when I got some not so happy news. My cousin was back in the hospital. I felt a whole slew of emotions. The earlier low self esteem didnt help. As more trips to the hospital arise, it means more bad news to come. I couldn't help but feel that it should be me lying in the hospital bed. It may seem foolish, yes, but it can't be helped. She can do more with her life than I can with mine, at least in terms of a future filled with marriage and kids. I can't have that, even if I managed to find someone who could be interested in me back, society says I can't have those other things. It seems dumb I know, but I can't help this. I don't see this as fair.
On saturday, I worked a bone marrow drive with my mother. It was not as successful as we ahd hoped. I went to visit my cousin later that night.
My crazy aunt has resurfaced with some sort of dilemna. She sucked my mom into her latest anxiety attack. That pissed me off.
I wanted to talk to some friends about it but, they all got shit going on. Some unemployment, some family emergency, etc. I understand but I have fallen under the radar. I went to meet Rach at the bar and it felt good to get some stuff off my chest. After I said it all we were interrupted by a coworker of hers, so she couldn't really offer up input.
I went and saw Thank You for Smoking today. It was funny and it provided an outlet for some of my feelings for a little while at least. I also read about Charlize Theron getting a GLAAD award. She recieved it for publically stating that she and Stuart Townsend will not marry until everyone in this country can marry legally. It made me smile and it moved her up my list.
I work every night this week.
I do not expect the week to be any easier.
I will try though to focus on some positive.
Well I put that on hold at work when I got some not so happy news. My cousin was back in the hospital. I felt a whole slew of emotions. The earlier low self esteem didnt help. As more trips to the hospital arise, it means more bad news to come. I couldn't help but feel that it should be me lying in the hospital bed. It may seem foolish, yes, but it can't be helped. She can do more with her life than I can with mine, at least in terms of a future filled with marriage and kids. I can't have that, even if I managed to find someone who could be interested in me back, society says I can't have those other things. It seems dumb I know, but I can't help this. I don't see this as fair.
On saturday, I worked a bone marrow drive with my mother. It was not as successful as we ahd hoped. I went to visit my cousin later that night.
My crazy aunt has resurfaced with some sort of dilemna. She sucked my mom into her latest anxiety attack. That pissed me off.
I wanted to talk to some friends about it but, they all got shit going on. Some unemployment, some family emergency, etc. I understand but I have fallen under the radar. I went to meet Rach at the bar and it felt good to get some stuff off my chest. After I said it all we were interrupted by a coworker of hers, so she couldn't really offer up input.
I went and saw Thank You for Smoking today. It was funny and it provided an outlet for some of my feelings for a little while at least. I also read about Charlize Theron getting a GLAAD award. She recieved it for publically stating that she and Stuart Townsend will not marry until everyone in this country can marry legally. It made me smile and it moved her up my list.
I work every night this week.
I do not expect the week to be any easier.
I will try though to focus on some positive.