BTVS/SPN Fic: Dean Winchester's Five Golden Rules For Dating The Slayer (Dean/Buffy)
Title: Dean Winchester’s Five Golden Rules For Dating The Slayer
Fandoms: Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Buffy
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 1,824
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: If anyone besides his tiny, bubbly, blonde date had just used a trashcan lid to slice off a vampire’s head, Dean would have been impressed.
A/N: Originally written for faithsummers80 at the xover_exchange. A big thank you to the wonderful mollivanders for the beta! Please note that this story is wildly AU for both shows. Any attempt to reconcile a timeline will just give you a headache.
1. Don’t be surprised when she kills a boy on your first date.
If anyone besides his tiny, bubbly, blonde date had just used a trashcan lid to slice off a vampire’s head, Dean would have been impressed. That’s some serious badassery. Not to mention resourcefulness. But it was his tiny, bubbly, blonde date named Buffy, for God’s sake, who just cut off a vampire’s head with a freaking trashcan lid. To add to the weird, the vamp exploded. What the hell?
“You’re a hunter?”
Buffy startles and drops the lid to the pavement.
“What? No. I…heard a cat. A big cat. It was in the trash can, so I pulled off the lid…and BLAH…cat. You’re not buying any of this, are you?”
Dean shakes his head. This chick is a terrible liar.
“Nope. You just killed a vampire. Now since you’re all of ninety pounds---”
“Flattery will get you everywhere, go on.”
“---soaking wet, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you’re either a hunter or a demon.
So which is it, sister? And why the hell did that vamp explode?”
“Okay, one: I am not a demon, and I’m certainly not a hunter, orange is so not my color. And two: vampires always explode, although I prefer the term “dusting,”it sounds less messy. How do you know about vampires anyway? This is usually the part where people’s worldviews go all collapse-y.”
“I’m a hunter, this is what I do. Did. Whatever, the question is: what the hell are you?”
Dean stares at her expectantly until she groans.
“I’m the Slayer.”
“The what now?”
“One girl in all the world, she alone has the strength to fight the forces of darkness, blah, blah, blah. I’m really strong and I kill the bad things. That’s all you need to know. Well that, and Sunnydale’s on top of a Hellmouth.”
“That was not in the brochure.”
“Yeah, they thought that might be a bit of a turnoff.”
“So, my normal apple pie life?”
“Probably not going to happen here. You could try Mayberry. I hear the deputy is a pain in the ass though.”
Dean sighs. Somehow he’s not surprised.
“Come on, let’s go get a drink.”
“You mean you still wanna…”
“Yeah. You okay, with that?”
“I’m very okay with that and maybe you can explain to me what the hell kind of hunter hunts vampires.”
2. Never mock her weaponry.
Three dates in and she’s already letting him peak inside her weapons chest. Kinky. Dean picks up a gnarled, blood stained stake from the top of the pile and flashes Buffy a patronizing smile.
“Tried to kill a vampire with this thing, huh? Rookie mistake,” Dean scoffs.
Buffy holds out her hand for the stake.
“That’s Mr. Pointy, to you, buddy.”
“Of course, it is.”
They stare at each other for a moment, each one daring the other to make a move. Dean loves this. Arguing with Buffy is better than dancing with the hottest, drunkest girl in the bar.
Buffy gives in first and snatches her jacket off the back of the couch before striding over to the door. Dean scrambles to his feet to follow her.
“Come on,” Buffy says.
“To the Bronze? Buffy, there’s got to be somewhere else to hang out in this town. If I have to listen to one more crappy pop song I’m going to shoot something. Probably whoever’s singing it.”
Buffy smiles up at him innocently before going in for the kill.
“We’re going to the graveyard where I’m going to show you how to use my ineffectual weapon. Then we’re going to The Bronze where you are going to dance to every crappy pop song they play as penance for calling me a rookie.”
Dean chuckles.
“Fine by me. That thing ain’t going to work unless you dip it in dead man’s blood first. So, after I save you from the big, bad vampire we’re finding a real bar and we’re going to listen to Metallica all night long. Deal?”
“You’re on.”
One hour later, Dean feels his soul die as Buffy sweet talks the band into playing their ironic cover of the Macarena for the third time. Even though Mr. Pointy is tucked safely away in Buffy’s purse, Dean can feel it mocking him from the dance floor.
3.Know that she’s a package deal and learn to live with it.
“So you’re Buffy’s new beau?”
Xander and Willow settle themselves on either side of Dean, trapping him on the couch. If Sam were here, Dean knows he’d be laughing his ass off right about now.
“Are you going to ask me what my intentions are?”
“We don’t appreciate that tone, young man,” Willow says. And she’s not even joking. Buffy’s friends have issues.
“We’re just dating. Which is weirder for me than it is for her by the way.”
“Cause you’re kind of slutty?” Willow asks.
“Wow, okay. This conversation is going to a weird place.”
“Definitely slutty,” Xander says. “And big on the avoidance. We’re keeping our eyes on you Dean Winchester, all four of them.”
Dean stuffs a cookie in his mouth and mentally wills Buffy to get her ass out of the kitchen already.
3. Don’t ask about her exes.
“You dated two vampires?”
Buffy pulls the cover over her head. If he wasn’t so weirded out, he’d find it adorable. As it is, it’s just frustrating. He knows his own past is littered with enough random women to stock a couple dozen baseball teams, but to his knowledge they were all human. It’s bad enough Sammy dated a demon, not to mention the werewolf. But Buffy? She’s the vampire slayer. That’s not supposed to be a metaphor.
“I’m going to kill Dawn,” she mumbles.
“Don’t blame the kid; I pulled it out of her.”
“Yeah, right. I know she’s all doe-eyed, but she’s not as innocent as she looks.”
“Fine, your little sister is an evil mastermind. Can we get back to you screwing vampires now?”
Buffy sits up slowly and Dean can’t help but notice the dangerous glint in her eyes. She clearly thinks he’s crossed a line. Dean holds his ground.
“Glare all you want. I’m not okay with this.”
“So you’re judging me, now? You really want to go there? How many people have you screwed, Dean? I know you live in this magical black and white world, but that’s just make believe.
Nothing is that simple. I slept with two vampires, two men that I cared about and it was messy and hard and it hurt like hell, but it happened and I wouldn’t change it even if I could. It’s a part of me and if you can’t accept it--”
“Then what? I should leave?”
“Yeah, you should.”
He considers it. For a moment he imagines hopping in the Impala and driving away from her and the whole insane town. He’s always been good at driving away, but he doesn’t want to do that this time. He doesn’t want easy.
“I’ll figure out how to deal with it,” he mutters.
4. Learn that evil is subjective. (Or the please don’t kill our friends policy.)
He’s playing cards with an ex-vengeance demon, two witches, and a wrinkly son of bitch who eats kittens. In another life, he would have killed all four of them. Evil things have to die. That’s what his dad taught him and that’s how he’s always lived his life.
Buffy lives her life firmly in the gray area. If a thing can be saved, she saves it. It’s a hell of an adjustment to make. After so many years of shooting first, he has to get used to stopping to ask questions before he pulls the trigger.
Willow takes a sip of her soda while Tara frowns at her latest hand, Anya looks smugly around the table because she’s freakishly good at poker, and Clem flashes Dean a sympathetic smile through his dozen folds of skin---and Dean is shocked by how normal it all feels. Apparently, he’s friends with two witches, an ex-vengeance demon, and a weirdo who eats kittens. He’s practically a card carrying member of the Scooby Gang these days.
Buffy sneaks up behind him and presses a kiss to his cheek.
“Having fun?”
“I would be if Anya would stop taking all of my money,” he grumbles.
5. Always be prepared for the post-fight sex.
Six vampires would have taken him all night by himself. He would have waited until the sun came up and burned their little house down around them, but not Buffy. She’s a big fan of the direct approach.
He loves watching her fight almost as much as he loves fighting beside her. She’s graceful and fast, tumbling and rolling until she’s on top, stake poised to go in the vamp’s heart. She takes down four in the time it takes him to take down two.
She extends a hand, pulling him to his feet as the dust from his last kill clears from the air.
“I thought that was going to take longer,” she says. Dean grins. There’s a hint of disappointment in her voice.
“We could go find something else for you to kill.”
“You know what I mean. I was all worked up, ready for a big fight and then we get the world’s wussiest vampires. I hate the newbies. Hey, I wonder if Dracula’s in town?”
“Dracula? Yeah right.”
Buffy stares at him.
“There’s a Dracula? Seriously? Wait---don’t tell me you slept with him.”
“No and ew. Although, he was sort of sexy in a Bram Stoker kind of way. ”
Buffy moves in closer and stands on her tip toes to kiss Dean hard and lustily on the lips. She pushes his back roughly against the nearest crypt using just enough of her strength for him to feel how easily she can move him. Dean groans softly.
“You wanna do it in a cemetery?”
She shrugs, already tugging at his jeans.
“Come on, you told me you did it in an amusement park one time.”
“An amusement park is not weirder than a cemetery, sweetheart.”
Her hand slides down his pants and Dean wonders why the hell he’s still talking.
“There are giant cartoon characters with abnormally large heads at amusement parks. That’s definitely a weirder place to have sexy fun times.”
“Mmm…”
Buffy lets out a triumphant laugh.
“You just agreed with me,” Buffy says. “I totally just won.”
“Fine. Can you shut up and claim your prize already?”
Buffy grins wickedly and catches his bottom lip between her teeth and tugs until Dean can’t stop himself from pulling them both to the ground. He sighs happily as Buffy straddles him right there in the middle of the graveyard.
It’s not exactly the apple pie life he had been looking for, but still---moving to Sunnydale?
Best decision ever.
Fandoms: Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Buffy
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 1,824
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: If anyone besides his tiny, bubbly, blonde date had just used a trashcan lid to slice off a vampire’s head, Dean would have been impressed.
A/N: Originally written for faithsummers80 at the xover_exchange. A big thank you to the wonderful mollivanders for the beta! Please note that this story is wildly AU for both shows. Any attempt to reconcile a timeline will just give you a headache.
1. Don’t be surprised when she kills a boy on your first date.
If anyone besides his tiny, bubbly, blonde date had just used a trashcan lid to slice off a vampire’s head, Dean would have been impressed. That’s some serious badassery. Not to mention resourcefulness. But it was his tiny, bubbly, blonde date named Buffy, for God’s sake, who just cut off a vampire’s head with a freaking trashcan lid. To add to the weird, the vamp exploded. What the hell?
“You’re a hunter?”
Buffy startles and drops the lid to the pavement.
“What? No. I…heard a cat. A big cat. It was in the trash can, so I pulled off the lid…and BLAH…cat. You’re not buying any of this, are you?”
Dean shakes his head. This chick is a terrible liar.
“Nope. You just killed a vampire. Now since you’re all of ninety pounds---”
“Flattery will get you everywhere, go on.”
“---soaking wet, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you’re either a hunter or a demon.
So which is it, sister? And why the hell did that vamp explode?”
“Okay, one: I am not a demon, and I’m certainly not a hunter, orange is so not my color. And two: vampires always explode, although I prefer the term “dusting,”it sounds less messy. How do you know about vampires anyway? This is usually the part where people’s worldviews go all collapse-y.”
“I’m a hunter, this is what I do. Did. Whatever, the question is: what the hell are you?”
Dean stares at her expectantly until she groans.
“I’m the Slayer.”
“The what now?”
“One girl in all the world, she alone has the strength to fight the forces of darkness, blah, blah, blah. I’m really strong and I kill the bad things. That’s all you need to know. Well that, and Sunnydale’s on top of a Hellmouth.”
“That was not in the brochure.”
“Yeah, they thought that might be a bit of a turnoff.”
“So, my normal apple pie life?”
“Probably not going to happen here. You could try Mayberry. I hear the deputy is a pain in the ass though.”
Dean sighs. Somehow he’s not surprised.
“Come on, let’s go get a drink.”
“You mean you still wanna…”
“Yeah. You okay, with that?”
“I’m very okay with that and maybe you can explain to me what the hell kind of hunter hunts vampires.”
2. Never mock her weaponry.
Three dates in and she’s already letting him peak inside her weapons chest. Kinky. Dean picks up a gnarled, blood stained stake from the top of the pile and flashes Buffy a patronizing smile.
“Tried to kill a vampire with this thing, huh? Rookie mistake,” Dean scoffs.
Buffy holds out her hand for the stake.
“That’s Mr. Pointy, to you, buddy.”
“Of course, it is.”
They stare at each other for a moment, each one daring the other to make a move. Dean loves this. Arguing with Buffy is better than dancing with the hottest, drunkest girl in the bar.
Buffy gives in first and snatches her jacket off the back of the couch before striding over to the door. Dean scrambles to his feet to follow her.
“Come on,” Buffy says.
“To the Bronze? Buffy, there’s got to be somewhere else to hang out in this town. If I have to listen to one more crappy pop song I’m going to shoot something. Probably whoever’s singing it.”
Buffy smiles up at him innocently before going in for the kill.
“We’re going to the graveyard where I’m going to show you how to use my ineffectual weapon. Then we’re going to The Bronze where you are going to dance to every crappy pop song they play as penance for calling me a rookie.”
Dean chuckles.
“Fine by me. That thing ain’t going to work unless you dip it in dead man’s blood first. So, after I save you from the big, bad vampire we’re finding a real bar and we’re going to listen to Metallica all night long. Deal?”
“You’re on.”
One hour later, Dean feels his soul die as Buffy sweet talks the band into playing their ironic cover of the Macarena for the third time. Even though Mr. Pointy is tucked safely away in Buffy’s purse, Dean can feel it mocking him from the dance floor.
3.Know that she’s a package deal and learn to live with it.
“So you’re Buffy’s new beau?”
Xander and Willow settle themselves on either side of Dean, trapping him on the couch. If Sam were here, Dean knows he’d be laughing his ass off right about now.
“Are you going to ask me what my intentions are?”
“We don’t appreciate that tone, young man,” Willow says. And she’s not even joking. Buffy’s friends have issues.
“We’re just dating. Which is weirder for me than it is for her by the way.”
“Cause you’re kind of slutty?” Willow asks.
“Wow, okay. This conversation is going to a weird place.”
“Definitely slutty,” Xander says. “And big on the avoidance. We’re keeping our eyes on you Dean Winchester, all four of them.”
Dean stuffs a cookie in his mouth and mentally wills Buffy to get her ass out of the kitchen already.
3. Don’t ask about her exes.
“You dated two vampires?”
Buffy pulls the cover over her head. If he wasn’t so weirded out, he’d find it adorable. As it is, it’s just frustrating. He knows his own past is littered with enough random women to stock a couple dozen baseball teams, but to his knowledge they were all human. It’s bad enough Sammy dated a demon, not to mention the werewolf. But Buffy? She’s the vampire slayer. That’s not supposed to be a metaphor.
“I’m going to kill Dawn,” she mumbles.
“Don’t blame the kid; I pulled it out of her.”
“Yeah, right. I know she’s all doe-eyed, but she’s not as innocent as she looks.”
“Fine, your little sister is an evil mastermind. Can we get back to you screwing vampires now?”
Buffy sits up slowly and Dean can’t help but notice the dangerous glint in her eyes. She clearly thinks he’s crossed a line. Dean holds his ground.
“Glare all you want. I’m not okay with this.”
“So you’re judging me, now? You really want to go there? How many people have you screwed, Dean? I know you live in this magical black and white world, but that’s just make believe.
Nothing is that simple. I slept with two vampires, two men that I cared about and it was messy and hard and it hurt like hell, but it happened and I wouldn’t change it even if I could. It’s a part of me and if you can’t accept it--”
“Then what? I should leave?”
“Yeah, you should.”
He considers it. For a moment he imagines hopping in the Impala and driving away from her and the whole insane town. He’s always been good at driving away, but he doesn’t want to do that this time. He doesn’t want easy.
“I’ll figure out how to deal with it,” he mutters.
4. Learn that evil is subjective. (Or the please don’t kill our friends policy.)
He’s playing cards with an ex-vengeance demon, two witches, and a wrinkly son of bitch who eats kittens. In another life, he would have killed all four of them. Evil things have to die. That’s what his dad taught him and that’s how he’s always lived his life.
Buffy lives her life firmly in the gray area. If a thing can be saved, she saves it. It’s a hell of an adjustment to make. After so many years of shooting first, he has to get used to stopping to ask questions before he pulls the trigger.
Willow takes a sip of her soda while Tara frowns at her latest hand, Anya looks smugly around the table because she’s freakishly good at poker, and Clem flashes Dean a sympathetic smile through his dozen folds of skin---and Dean is shocked by how normal it all feels. Apparently, he’s friends with two witches, an ex-vengeance demon, and a weirdo who eats kittens. He’s practically a card carrying member of the Scooby Gang these days.
Buffy sneaks up behind him and presses a kiss to his cheek.
“Having fun?”
“I would be if Anya would stop taking all of my money,” he grumbles.
5. Always be prepared for the post-fight sex.
Six vampires would have taken him all night by himself. He would have waited until the sun came up and burned their little house down around them, but not Buffy. She’s a big fan of the direct approach.
He loves watching her fight almost as much as he loves fighting beside her. She’s graceful and fast, tumbling and rolling until she’s on top, stake poised to go in the vamp’s heart. She takes down four in the time it takes him to take down two.
She extends a hand, pulling him to his feet as the dust from his last kill clears from the air.
“I thought that was going to take longer,” she says. Dean grins. There’s a hint of disappointment in her voice.
“We could go find something else for you to kill.”
“You know what I mean. I was all worked up, ready for a big fight and then we get the world’s wussiest vampires. I hate the newbies. Hey, I wonder if Dracula’s in town?”
“Dracula? Yeah right.”
Buffy stares at him.
“There’s a Dracula? Seriously? Wait---don’t tell me you slept with him.”
“No and ew. Although, he was sort of sexy in a Bram Stoker kind of way. ”
Buffy moves in closer and stands on her tip toes to kiss Dean hard and lustily on the lips. She pushes his back roughly against the nearest crypt using just enough of her strength for him to feel how easily she can move him. Dean groans softly.
“You wanna do it in a cemetery?”
She shrugs, already tugging at his jeans.
“Come on, you told me you did it in an amusement park one time.”
“An amusement park is not weirder than a cemetery, sweetheart.”
Her hand slides down his pants and Dean wonders why the hell he’s still talking.
“There are giant cartoon characters with abnormally large heads at amusement parks. That’s definitely a weirder place to have sexy fun times.”
“Mmm…”
Buffy lets out a triumphant laugh.
“You just agreed with me,” Buffy says. “I totally just won.”
“Fine. Can you shut up and claim your prize already?”
Buffy grins wickedly and catches his bottom lip between her teeth and tugs until Dean can’t stop himself from pulling them both to the ground. He sighs happily as Buffy straddles him right there in the middle of the graveyard.
It’s not exactly the apple pie life he had been looking for, but still---moving to Sunnydale?
Best decision ever.