Still in love..with being in love...

[oyster_nopearl]

I'm sitting underneath the open window listening to the Republic One CD for the one thousand eight hundred and fifty sixth time. The gusty cold Florida winter is dispersing through the screen and hitting my face from every angle. Im bundled in a warm UCF hoodie and cowboy boxers without socks. Over the horrible screeching of my roommate's rendition of "We wish you a merry christmas", there is a soothing sound of deep breathing. A boy, my boy, lays so innocent, so helpless across my bed with his head propped up on three levels of pink pillows. Every so often his breathing will turn to snoring and he'll wake himself up. Without opening his eyes he'll roll over, grumble, and continue resting. An occasional release of flagelence makes me giggle like a seven year old. I am reminded that even he is human- the only way he gets to the top of the pedestal is by me putting him there. I'm trying so hard to not make a noise but my butt is so numb and my legs feel like an acupuncture session. I want to say that everything is ok. That he's here with me and not somewhere else. Sure, I have that security and peace of mind but it's those facial expressions I can't feel safe with. The ones where he looks so concerned, so angry. The same concerned look turns to smiles and grins. I wonder whats going on. I wonder what thoughts he hasn't told me that have turned his imagination to a vivid dream or saddening nightmare. I question his sweet words and charming personality. I doubt his passionate intimacy. I doubt us. What am I doing? What morbid thoughts to think when someone you love is with you in your presence..comfortable enough to fall asleep in your arms. I can't tell him. I mustn't. It's hope, faith, and trust from here on. There's no turning back. It's what you want. It's what you need. Keep telling yourself when you are facing the mirror brushing your teeth every morning. Remind yourself that he's human. He deserves a second chance and you derserve a chance at happiness.

I swear its you that I'm waiting for. I swear its you that my heart beats for. 
And the ache won't stop; just won't stop.