a burning feeling, eating me up
Title: No, I got this.
Pairing: G-Ri
Author: oxygenlove
Summary: It's not that Jiyong changed, it was Seungri who actually changed.
AN: Finally, the mystery behind 2008 is clear.
No, I got this.
Seungri does get jealous, in a way, he does. But then again, he knows that no matter what happens, in the future, he has no say on what Jiyong wants to do, or what the older wants to say. In the end, it's always Seungri who will lose everything if he puts too much of his emotions, too much of his efforts, so he just- simply- doesn't. That way, there'll be less heartbreaks, less heartaches. That way, he can say goodbye with a smile, sweet and effortless, a little sad, maybe, but hey- he's seen it coming a mile away, hasn't he? No regrets.
--
In the past, Jiyong has given Seungri space, oh sure, he has. He tried to be understanding, even when he doesn't know what's happening. Seungri wouldn't say anything and Jiyong was tired of guessing. So he gave Seungri all the space he can give, all the time Seungri needs.
People say back then that Jiyong has changed, that Jiyong doesn't love his adorable maknae anymore- but hey, what do they know? They know nothing. They don't know that Jiyong cared so much he was willing to give up his happiness just so he can accomodate Seungri's.
But now, he kind of regrets it. Thinking back, was giving Seungri space really the best solution? Because now, Jiyong looks at Seungri, past that hurdle he had 2 years ago, and Jiyong can't help but think, "What if - what if - I stayed by his side instead? Maybe he wouldn't be so far away now. Maybe, he wouldn't look so beaten and tired."
And maybe, just maybe- Jiyong can still say that Seungri is his.
--
Seungri thinks part of being an adult is smiling even when it hurts so damn much. And laughing when all you really want to do is cry.
And maybe, it also has something to do with playing along, nodding your head as other people make fun of your singing and tease your dancing then criticize your goddamn awful acting.
But then again, isn't being an adult all about standing up for the things that you believe in? Isn't it about having your own thoughts and having your own beliefs? Isn't it about being who you are and not just going with what is expected of you?
And then- doesn't being an adult at least entitles you to saying that you're hurt and then crying over the scars?
--
Jiyong looks at Seungri, happily laughing with his college friends, and Jiyong feels so left out, like he wants to shake Seungri and yell some sense into him, "Hey kid, you're in Big Bang! I'm your leader! I'm your favorite hyung! Remember? Remember?!"
Not that Jiyong is afraid of losing Seungri to anybody- or anything. Jiyong's just afraid to lose Seungri's dream, Seungri's future. "You love dancing, right? You love singing right? You love me, right? Please say that you do or-" I'll break down.
--
Seungri reads a passage in an old book in his university's library.
"It is a common complaint among young people that they have lots of acquaintances but no real friends. On this account, they feel lonely, but they also feel a little bit like strangers to themselves, for they have not had enough chances to find out, through intimate interaction, what they are really like."
Seungri reads the title of the book: The Abnormal Psyche.
Seungri feels insulted.
--
Jiyong thought that after all these years of being together as Big Bang, Seungri would at least tell him if anything is wrong. Apparently, Jiyong is wrong. Apparently, Jiyong isn't good enough for secrets. But Youngbae is.
"You can talk to me, you know? If you've got problems and such."
"Okay, hyung. I'll talk to you when I'm in need of help."
"Even if you don't need help. I can listen. I'm a good listener."
"Sure, hyung. Thanks for the concern."
Seungri smiles and Jiyong can't help but wonder if all those kisses were lies. Jiyong wants to cry but smiles instead.
"Okay, Seungri. Whatever you say."
--
Seungri remembers Jiyong's laughter - light and tinkling bells. He remembers sparkling eyes like midnight stars and bright blinding smiles. Seungri remembers all of these and feels heartbreak - one: fall, two: lose, three: cry. It's these things that make him wish he never made it this far, never made it this high.
He's always thought that life minus Kwon Jiyong is smooth roads and safety belts. However, Seungri's never been one for safety. He appreciates twisted bumpy alleyways without the car brakes. Does he regret it? In a away, he does. Because Jiyong gives him so much but he can't give anything in return. It's not that he doesn't love Jiyong - it's more like Jiyong loves him too much but Seungri doesn't-can't love Jiyong enough.
Seungri feels that Jiyong is so amazing and loved by thousands that his love doesn't account for much.
--
Jiyong is not selfish. But sometimes, it's just so hard to share Seungri.
--
Seungri would have survived just fine in a normal group. He would have fit in perfectly with band mates who spend days and nights laughing and practicing songs. Seungri thinks that he would have stood out from the others with his amazing dancing skills and overflowing charisma. He would have been everybody's favorite member. He would have appeared in hundreds of variety shows, would have met thousands of other stars.
But Seungri is in Big Bang.
Everybody in Big Bang is busy translating feelings into lyrics and rap, producing beats, making number one hits. In Big Bang, you'll get drowned if you don't do your best. So Seungri does his all. Seungri gives 130% of his efforts. Always.
But he gets tired sometimes. And Jiyong notices.
--
Jiyong and Seungri are the same. They are both blood type A guys. They can easily pretend that everything is okay even when they both know that it isn't. They can easily push their worries to the back of their mind, label them as 'forgotten'. They can laugh at each other, laugh with each other. They can play around like it's fanservice, like it's written in their contract that Jiyong stare at Seungri like this and that Jiyong touches Seungri like that.
And they can smile through it all, like it's all part of the deal, all part of the package. Like - like they don't need the glaring truth to tell them:
Quit playing around and admit that you like each other.
--
"You're not coming."
"Wha- why?"
"Because you didn't come to mine. So you can't come now."
"Hyung, you're being 12."
"No, I'm being reasonable. It's only logical that you don't come to Youngbae's comeback stage because you didn't come to mine. Stay here and dog-sit Gaho."
"Hyung, yours technically wasn't a comeback stage. It was your debu-"
"Fine, whatever. That just makes it worse though, that you missed my debut stage. So you can't come today."
"Hyung!"
"..."
"..."
"Fine, you can go with me but you can't show yourself or that'll make it into the news: Big Bang maknae Seungri supports Taeyang's SOLAR but skipped G-Dragon's HEARTBREAKER."
"Really, hyung. So childish. First you forbid me to visit Youngbae hyung's music video filming and now his comeback stage too? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're jea-"
"Shut up."
--
And they have also both perfected the intricate art of Acting Like This Is Normal When Really It Isn't.
--
Seungri finds Jiyong's note taped inside the cover of his Winning Habits book.
"I'll fly to the stars and ask them what you're doing down here on earth when you're brighter than any of them combined. I'll ask the rainbows of this world why you're not one of their colors when you make me happier than all of them together. However, I don't think they'll know the answer. Because they don't know you. They haven't seen your charming smile nor your sparkling eyes and they haven't heard your intoxicating laughter nor your smooth voice - and I plan to keep it that way. I want you to be my private star, my very own color - mine mine mine. Call me selfish, call me unreasonable but I'll call you mine even if you don't want me to. Can you blame me if you make me feel silly and a million shades of happy? It's you you you, Seungriyah. It's always been you."
♥ Jiyong
Seungri takes the note, folds it in half and keeps it inside his heart.
--
"G-Dragonsshi, if the Big Bang members were girls, who would you choose to date?"
"I'd say myself but then I've said that before already so it's lost its humor. So I pick Youngbae."
"Taeyangsshi? Why?"
"Well, in the past, when I was young, I've answered Seungri. But thinking now, I don't want Seungri to be a girl. I'd prefer if he's just Seungri and nothing or nobody else. I like him the way he is right now, annoying and adorable at the same time, that I don't want anything to change.
"Ahh..."
"So yeah, I pick Youngbae. I'm sure he'd make a sweet girl."
Then Jiyong smiles - just for good measures.
--
Seungri is afraid of many things and Jiyong is jealous of many things.
--
"She broke up with you, huh?"
"It was so long ago, hyung."
"You could have at least told me."
Jiyong, no matter how crazy and out of this world he is, pretty much knows his way around things. He's a perfectionist and he likes things organized. He likes things the way he's arranged them. He likes knowing he's done the composing. He likes knowing where every beat will enter and where every voice will sing. He likes it that way.
But Seungri likes freestyling and Jiyong doesn't like not knowing.
"I didn't want to burden you with my personal problems."
"We're a team. I'm your leader-"
"I thought it doesn't have anything to do with Big Bang. I did pretty well. I still smiled for the cameras, played around during interviews. We did well. It's behind me now."
"She hurt you."
"She was my girlfriend."
"I've been hurt before too."
"I'm sure you have, hyung. Again, it's in-"
"I gave you space. I gave you so much space that I find it so hard to reach for you now."
Seungri smiles, steps forward and brings out his right arm. Jiyong looks at Seungri, a confused look on his face.
"You're the smart one here, right?"
So Jiyong reaches out and wraps his fingers around Seungri's held out arm and smirks.
"It's a start."
Sources:
- Passage - The Abnormal Psyche - White (1981)
- Seungri didn't visit Taeyang's MV site - TeamBigbang Twitter
- Jiyong didn't change, Seungri did - gdheartri
- Seungri broke up with his gf in 2008 - bigbangupdates
AN: This fic is a mixture of mini-fics I've been sending out since June and from conversations with you guys. If we've ever exchanged comments before and I wrote something like, "wait, /writes - okay, back" then it means you've helped me write this.
As always, comments are much appreciated. A Hello, a Hi, a WTF?, a /meh - all is welcome. ♥
Pairing: G-Ri
Author: oxygenlove
Summary: It's not that Jiyong changed, it was Seungri who actually changed.
AN: Finally, the mystery behind 2008 is clear.
No, I got this.
Seungri does get jealous, in a way, he does. But then again, he knows that no matter what happens, in the future, he has no say on what Jiyong wants to do, or what the older wants to say. In the end, it's always Seungri who will lose everything if he puts too much of his emotions, too much of his efforts, so he just- simply- doesn't. That way, there'll be less heartbreaks, less heartaches. That way, he can say goodbye with a smile, sweet and effortless, a little sad, maybe, but hey- he's seen it coming a mile away, hasn't he? No regrets.
--
In the past, Jiyong has given Seungri space, oh sure, he has. He tried to be understanding, even when he doesn't know what's happening. Seungri wouldn't say anything and Jiyong was tired of guessing. So he gave Seungri all the space he can give, all the time Seungri needs.
People say back then that Jiyong has changed, that Jiyong doesn't love his adorable maknae anymore- but hey, what do they know? They know nothing. They don't know that Jiyong cared so much he was willing to give up his happiness just so he can accomodate Seungri's.
But now, he kind of regrets it. Thinking back, was giving Seungri space really the best solution? Because now, Jiyong looks at Seungri, past that hurdle he had 2 years ago, and Jiyong can't help but think, "What if - what if - I stayed by his side instead? Maybe he wouldn't be so far away now. Maybe, he wouldn't look so beaten and tired."
And maybe, just maybe- Jiyong can still say that Seungri is his.
--
Seungri thinks part of being an adult is smiling even when it hurts so damn much. And laughing when all you really want to do is cry.
And maybe, it also has something to do with playing along, nodding your head as other people make fun of your singing and tease your dancing then criticize your goddamn awful acting.
But then again, isn't being an adult all about standing up for the things that you believe in? Isn't it about having your own thoughts and having your own beliefs? Isn't it about being who you are and not just going with what is expected of you?
And then- doesn't being an adult at least entitles you to saying that you're hurt and then crying over the scars?
--
Jiyong looks at Seungri, happily laughing with his college friends, and Jiyong feels so left out, like he wants to shake Seungri and yell some sense into him, "Hey kid, you're in Big Bang! I'm your leader! I'm your favorite hyung! Remember? Remember?!"
Not that Jiyong is afraid of losing Seungri to anybody- or anything. Jiyong's just afraid to lose Seungri's dream, Seungri's future. "You love dancing, right? You love singing right? You love me, right? Please say that you do or-" I'll break down.
--
Seungri reads a passage in an old book in his university's library.
"It is a common complaint among young people that they have lots of acquaintances but no real friends. On this account, they feel lonely, but they also feel a little bit like strangers to themselves, for they have not had enough chances to find out, through intimate interaction, what they are really like."
Seungri reads the title of the book: The Abnormal Psyche.
Seungri feels insulted.
--
Jiyong thought that after all these years of being together as Big Bang, Seungri would at least tell him if anything is wrong. Apparently, Jiyong is wrong. Apparently, Jiyong isn't good enough for secrets. But Youngbae is.
"You can talk to me, you know? If you've got problems and such."
"Okay, hyung. I'll talk to you when I'm in need of help."
"Even if you don't need help. I can listen. I'm a good listener."
"Sure, hyung. Thanks for the concern."
Seungri smiles and Jiyong can't help but wonder if all those kisses were lies. Jiyong wants to cry but smiles instead.
"Okay, Seungri. Whatever you say."
--
Seungri remembers Jiyong's laughter - light and tinkling bells. He remembers sparkling eyes like midnight stars and bright blinding smiles. Seungri remembers all of these and feels heartbreak - one: fall, two: lose, three: cry. It's these things that make him wish he never made it this far, never made it this high.
He's always thought that life minus Kwon Jiyong is smooth roads and safety belts. However, Seungri's never been one for safety. He appreciates twisted bumpy alleyways without the car brakes. Does he regret it? In a away, he does. Because Jiyong gives him so much but he can't give anything in return. It's not that he doesn't love Jiyong - it's more like Jiyong loves him too much but Seungri doesn't-can't love Jiyong enough.
Seungri feels that Jiyong is so amazing and loved by thousands that his love doesn't account for much.
--
Jiyong is not selfish. But sometimes, it's just so hard to share Seungri.
--
Seungri would have survived just fine in a normal group. He would have fit in perfectly with band mates who spend days and nights laughing and practicing songs. Seungri thinks that he would have stood out from the others with his amazing dancing skills and overflowing charisma. He would have been everybody's favorite member. He would have appeared in hundreds of variety shows, would have met thousands of other stars.
But Seungri is in Big Bang.
Everybody in Big Bang is busy translating feelings into lyrics and rap, producing beats, making number one hits. In Big Bang, you'll get drowned if you don't do your best. So Seungri does his all. Seungri gives 130% of his efforts. Always.
But he gets tired sometimes. And Jiyong notices.
--
Jiyong and Seungri are the same. They are both blood type A guys. They can easily pretend that everything is okay even when they both know that it isn't. They can easily push their worries to the back of their mind, label them as 'forgotten'. They can laugh at each other, laugh with each other. They can play around like it's fanservice, like it's written in their contract that Jiyong stare at Seungri like this and that Jiyong touches Seungri like that.
And they can smile through it all, like it's all part of the deal, all part of the package. Like - like they don't need the glaring truth to tell them:
Quit playing around and admit that you like each other.
--
"You're not coming."
"Wha- why?"
"Because you didn't come to mine. So you can't come now."
"Hyung, you're being 12."
"No, I'm being reasonable. It's only logical that you don't come to Youngbae's comeback stage because you didn't come to mine. Stay here and dog-sit Gaho."
"Hyung, yours technically wasn't a comeback stage. It was your debu-"
"Fine, whatever. That just makes it worse though, that you missed my debut stage. So you can't come today."
"Hyung!"
"..."
"..."
"Fine, you can go with me but you can't show yourself or that'll make it into the news: Big Bang maknae Seungri supports Taeyang's SOLAR but skipped G-Dragon's HEARTBREAKER."
"Really, hyung. So childish. First you forbid me to visit Youngbae hyung's music video filming and now his comeback stage too? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're jea-"
"Shut up."
--
And they have also both perfected the intricate art of Acting Like This Is Normal When Really It Isn't.
--
Seungri finds Jiyong's note taped inside the cover of his Winning Habits book.
"I'll fly to the stars and ask them what you're doing down here on earth when you're brighter than any of them combined. I'll ask the rainbows of this world why you're not one of their colors when you make me happier than all of them together. However, I don't think they'll know the answer. Because they don't know you. They haven't seen your charming smile nor your sparkling eyes and they haven't heard your intoxicating laughter nor your smooth voice - and I plan to keep it that way. I want you to be my private star, my very own color - mine mine mine. Call me selfish, call me unreasonable but I'll call you mine even if you don't want me to. Can you blame me if you make me feel silly and a million shades of happy? It's you you you, Seungriyah. It's always been you."
♥ Jiyong
Seungri takes the note, folds it in half and keeps it inside his heart.
--
"G-Dragonsshi, if the Big Bang members were girls, who would you choose to date?"
"I'd say myself but then I've said that before already so it's lost its humor. So I pick Youngbae."
"Taeyangsshi? Why?"
"Well, in the past, when I was young, I've answered Seungri. But thinking now, I don't want Seungri to be a girl. I'd prefer if he's just Seungri and nothing or nobody else. I like him the way he is right now, annoying and adorable at the same time, that I don't want anything to change.
"Ahh..."
"So yeah, I pick Youngbae. I'm sure he'd make a sweet girl."
Then Jiyong smiles - just for good measures.
--
Seungri is afraid of many things and Jiyong is jealous of many things.
--
"She broke up with you, huh?"
"It was so long ago, hyung."
"You could have at least told me."
Jiyong, no matter how crazy and out of this world he is, pretty much knows his way around things. He's a perfectionist and he likes things organized. He likes things the way he's arranged them. He likes knowing he's done the composing. He likes knowing where every beat will enter and where every voice will sing. He likes it that way.
But Seungri likes freestyling and Jiyong doesn't like not knowing.
"I didn't want to burden you with my personal problems."
"We're a team. I'm your leader-"
"I thought it doesn't have anything to do with Big Bang. I did pretty well. I still smiled for the cameras, played around during interviews. We did well. It's behind me now."
"She hurt you."
"She was my girlfriend."
"I've been hurt before too."
"I'm sure you have, hyung. Again, it's in-"
"I gave you space. I gave you so much space that I find it so hard to reach for you now."
Seungri smiles, steps forward and brings out his right arm. Jiyong looks at Seungri, a confused look on his face.
"You're the smart one here, right?"
So Jiyong reaches out and wraps his fingers around Seungri's held out arm and smirks.
"It's a start."
Sources:
- Passage - The Abnormal Psyche - White (1981)
- Seungri didn't visit Taeyang's MV site - TeamBigbang Twitter
- Jiyong didn't change, Seungri did - gdheartri
- Seungri broke up with his gf in 2008 - bigbangupdates
AN: This fic is a mixture of mini-fics I've been sending out since June and from conversations with you guys. If we've ever exchanged comments before and I wrote something like, "wait, /writes - okay, back" then it means you've helped me write this.
As always, comments are much appreciated. A Hello, a Hi, a WTF?, a /meh - all is welcome. ♥