The Wr!ter: Misery Is My Middle Name
!! Dear Whomever Gives A Damn !!
I thought that this morning, I would wake up feeling not so gloomy. Not as gloomy as yesterday. Figured maybe after some sleep I'd get over all of this. I'd get over Karissa continuing to call the house. I'd get over the fact that there is a greater chance of Kris not ever loving me again, than there is of him ever loving me again. But, the pain is still here. My heart still aches greatly, and as much as I try not to think about it - it's still there.
Do I know what I'm going to do yet? No. I've got no idea. I want so badly to tell Kris what's wrong. He claimed last night just before we fell asleep that he had no idea what was wrong. How does he not know? Karissa is calling the bloody house, that's one of the reasons. I thought she'd left him alone, but she's back, again. Calling the house. Who knows what else. They could be texting. They could be writing e-mails. Kris could even be the one starting them, like he did with those e-mails.
I'm afraid if I tell Kris, how I feel, he's just going to get that aggravated tone with me again. Every time I bring up Karissa, he gets that stupid tone in his voice. Not like I bring her up every day. I bring her up, only when she becomes involved in his life or my life. I almost feel like I brought this on myself by being nice to Karissa. Not only that, but I did ask for it when I text her pretending to be Kris saying that she could call the house.
Kris just doesn't understand how much this hurts. He's been lying to me the entire ten months that we've been together. Saying he hates Karissa, and never wants to see her again - yet he was writing her e-mails, and now she's calling the house again. I still have the "please don't end this" rolling around in my mind. What is "this" exactly between the two of them? I don't know. He was saying that he loved me, and then it came out that he hasn't loved me for quite some time.
He doesn't understand why I'm so hurt over Karissa and him communicating. She knows what a great person Kris is, and she's obviously trying to get him back or trying to get him to leave me. I don't know. Before, I believed that she just wanted to not regret never saying anything. I was understanding. I was accepting about it. Figuring that was why she was confessing all that junk - but now - I don't believe it. I don't believe that's why she's doing it. I believe she's trying to wreck my family. She's trying to tear my family apart.
Karissa had her chance. Why is she doing this? She even knows we have a daughter together, and that we have another baby on the way - why does she insist on calling the house? Why does she insist on all of this? And is Kris encouraging it by writing her back? After finding out that he was the one who wrote her first, and gave her his cell number - it makes me believe that he is the one starting it and I don't know what else to do.
I'm falling apart, and the more and more Karissa becomes involved in Kris' life - the more I begin to think that he's going to fall in love with her, if he hasn't already. He will fall in love with Karissa, and won't love me ever again. It's been over a year, as I said, since he's loved me - why doesn't he love me? I don't argue with him. I do everything humanly possible to make him happy. I just can't compete with her. I'm ready to throw in the towel. I really am.
Thought I was willing to wait around for him to love me again, but the more and more Karissa and him keep in touch, the more I realize that it's probably not going to happen. If it does, I'm afraid it's going to be about five years from now when he does and I'm not ready to wait five years to have him love me.
I've quit saying "I love you" because it drains me and it hurts so badly. I've almost hit the point where I no longer say good-night. I find myself giving up quickly. I find myself doing less and less to make him happy. I find myself smiling less and less; laughing less and less. I feel my entire life starting to quiver around me, as if it's going to fall apart any day. I try so hard to continue to do these things - but it kills me. I can barely touch him, without thinking of what tomorrow will bring - afraid I'll never get the chance to touch him in that way again.
I guess I'm starting to pull away. That's what it seems like. I feel like I'm beginning to pull away from him because I'm afraid, or I subconciously know that he's going to end up hurting me. Mom keeps telling me to trust him, because if I don't, he'll pull away from me. I do trust him, but, it can be hard sometimes when I remember everything he lied to me about. What if he's lying to me again? And it's not really him I don't trust. It's her. She knows what she's missed out on, and obviously she still has a grip on him - and she knows it.
Everyone was right. She could come back in a heart beat and take him from me. People tell me then he wasn't worth it. That I deserve better. I don't want better. He is worth it. I love him, and he is the only one that I want. I know you can't always have what you want, but why is it that I never get what I want - and the rest of the world gets what I want?
This is killing me. Tears continue to stream down my face as I feel my heart tearing in two all over again. I'm going to lose him. It's not a matter of if anymore, I have a feeling that it's a matter of when. I hope that I'm wrong. But for some reason, my gut is telling me that I'm right.
ox (! Tw!nkers !) xo
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