The Boyfr!end: Losing Grip
!! Dear Whomever Gives A Damn !!
I think we are beginning to slip again, Kris and me. For a while after the truth came out, it was a bit rocky. Then it started to level off. Now, it's like we are back into the same old routine - and it feels like we're losing grip on our relationship. It's back to him being crabby, me now being unhappy because I'm no longer convincing myself or being convinced by Kris that things are all fine and dandy, and the huge gap between us at night.
My heart is breaking all over again, and I don't know what to do. It could be that I am just imagining things starts to slip - because of everything that just happened. But what happened the last time that I thought I was just imagining things? It turned out to be true. Turned out that he really was slipping between my fingers, and I was just trying to convince myself that he wasn't.
The heart neck lace still sits atop the dresser, and I cry every time I remember that it's no longer around my neck. My 18th birthday, he told me, as long as I wore it, I'd have his heart. I've worn it non-stop for I don't know how long, and turns out it was all a lie. I never had his heart, and I believe that subconsiously, I knew that I didn't - but by wearing the neck lace, I was convincing myself that I did still have his heart.
As I look into the future, I realize that it's not what I used to see. Before, I used to see either him proposing to me, or me to him. I saw marriage. I saw a happy family: Kris, myself, Isabella, and the new baby. I saw us growing old together, and watching our kids grow up and have families of their own. Now...that's not at all what I see. What I used to see, was over the course of a long period of time. Now, I don't see that, and what I do see, is over the course of maybe the next year.
So, what do I see? Let me tell you, it isn't pretty, and it makes me cry every time I think about it - because I know that this future that I see now, is probably the inevitable. It's not a matter of "if" it's just a matter of "when". He will want me to leave, and I will leave. I will have the children, and he will live freely - and find another woman. Another woman more beautiful, more intelligent, more fun, and more wild than me. A woman who can give him everything that I'm not able to and that I've been unable to.
I feel like such a horrible girlfriend. I feel like I'm not giving him enough, and yet I'm trying to give him the best of everything that I can offer him. But even though it's my best, I feel like it still does not compare to what he could find out there. I'm at the bottom of the barrel, again, in my life.
Bottom of the barrel. May as well call me "bottom feeder" - because I don't think I'll ever get off the bottom of the barrel. They say that there is always someone better than you out there, but everyone is good at something. Not me. I'm the one person in the world, where everyone is better than me and it kills me. No matter how hard I try, I feel like I'm still not trying hard enough, and it's making him unhappy.
He tells me that he is happy, and asks why. I ask if he is telling the truth, and I can hear the aggravation in his voice. But does he honestly blame me for asking if he is telling the truth - after he tells me the past how many months have been nothing but a lie? That he's been unhappy the entire time? I know, it wasn't just me and Isabella, and we weren't the huge part in him being unhappy - but it does not matter. He told me that he was happy, and he wasn't.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my entire world is going to come crashing down on me any day, but yet I don't want to leave, because I love him so much.
So many people say I'm here because I've got no where else to go. There are services that can help me out. I'm not here because I've got no where else to go. I'm not here because he's the money, food, and shelter. I'm not here because I need to be to survive. I'm here, because I truly do love him - and I don't want to just give up and walk away.
My mind is screaming at me that he loves someone else, and that he'll never again love me. But, I'm not ready to accept it. I can't. I won't. My heart won't accept it. He has my heart, and I want to believe that I will one day have his again - like he said I would.
Please, just don't tell me that I'm losing him...
ox (! Tw!nkers !) xo
♥ ♥ ♥
I think we are beginning to slip again, Kris and me. For a while after the truth came out, it was a bit rocky. Then it started to level off. Now, it's like we are back into the same old routine - and it feels like we're losing grip on our relationship. It's back to him being crabby, me now being unhappy because I'm no longer convincing myself or being convinced by Kris that things are all fine and dandy, and the huge gap between us at night.
My heart is breaking all over again, and I don't know what to do. It could be that I am just imagining things starts to slip - because of everything that just happened. But what happened the last time that I thought I was just imagining things? It turned out to be true. Turned out that he really was slipping between my fingers, and I was just trying to convince myself that he wasn't.
The heart neck lace still sits atop the dresser, and I cry every time I remember that it's no longer around my neck. My 18th birthday, he told me, as long as I wore it, I'd have his heart. I've worn it non-stop for I don't know how long, and turns out it was all a lie. I never had his heart, and I believe that subconsiously, I knew that I didn't - but by wearing the neck lace, I was convincing myself that I did still have his heart.
As I look into the future, I realize that it's not what I used to see. Before, I used to see either him proposing to me, or me to him. I saw marriage. I saw a happy family: Kris, myself, Isabella, and the new baby. I saw us growing old together, and watching our kids grow up and have families of their own. Now...that's not at all what I see. What I used to see, was over the course of a long period of time. Now, I don't see that, and what I do see, is over the course of maybe the next year.
So, what do I see? Let me tell you, it isn't pretty, and it makes me cry every time I think about it - because I know that this future that I see now, is probably the inevitable. It's not a matter of "if" it's just a matter of "when". He will want me to leave, and I will leave. I will have the children, and he will live freely - and find another woman. Another woman more beautiful, more intelligent, more fun, and more wild than me. A woman who can give him everything that I'm not able to and that I've been unable to.
I feel like such a horrible girlfriend. I feel like I'm not giving him enough, and yet I'm trying to give him the best of everything that I can offer him. But even though it's my best, I feel like it still does not compare to what he could find out there. I'm at the bottom of the barrel, again, in my life.
Bottom of the barrel. May as well call me "bottom feeder" - because I don't think I'll ever get off the bottom of the barrel. They say that there is always someone better than you out there, but everyone is good at something. Not me. I'm the one person in the world, where everyone is better than me and it kills me. No matter how hard I try, I feel like I'm still not trying hard enough, and it's making him unhappy.
He tells me that he is happy, and asks why. I ask if he is telling the truth, and I can hear the aggravation in his voice. But does he honestly blame me for asking if he is telling the truth - after he tells me the past how many months have been nothing but a lie? That he's been unhappy the entire time? I know, it wasn't just me and Isabella, and we weren't the huge part in him being unhappy - but it does not matter. He told me that he was happy, and he wasn't.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my entire world is going to come crashing down on me any day, but yet I don't want to leave, because I love him so much.
So many people say I'm here because I've got no where else to go. There are services that can help me out. I'm not here because I've got no where else to go. I'm not here because he's the money, food, and shelter. I'm not here because I need to be to survive. I'm here, because I truly do love him - and I don't want to just give up and walk away.
My mind is screaming at me that he loves someone else, and that he'll never again love me. But, I'm not ready to accept it. I can't. I won't. My heart won't accept it. He has my heart, and I want to believe that I will one day have his again - like he said I would.
Please, just don't tell me that I'm losing him...
ox (! Tw!nkers !) xo
♥ ♥ ♥