The Wr!ter: Worthless & Unhappy
!! Dear Whomever Gives A Damn !!
Do I not deserve happiness? Do I not deserve to laugh, to smile? Do I only deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life, and feel nothing but misery and pain? Are the people who have come through my life right, that I deserve nothing good - and only bad? Because I'm not pretty enough? Or smart enough? Or "cool" enough? Do I not deserve to be loved? Am I not worth loving? Am I not loveable?
Will I forever remain that fourth grade loser, who got beat up on a regular daily basis and crammed into lockers? Will I forever remain that beastly, worthless, unattractive, loser? Are people going to continue to lie to my face, and stab me in the back? Am I always going to remain that person who stands on the outside - looking in? A loner? Is nobody ever going to have anything nice to say to my face, and actually mean it? Will it always be lies, and never the truth? Do I not deserve to hear the truth?
Once I am gone, am I going to be forgotten? Will my name be forgotten by those whom I've loved, and who I believe love me back? Will I become nothing more than a blurred thought lost in their memory? Will I just fade away into the background, like I've continued to do through out my life?
Right now, that is how it feels. I feel like I don't deserve happiness. I feel like I don't deserve to laugh, or even show the slightest signs of a smile. I feel like I deserve to feel only misery the rest of my life, and pain. I feel as though that is all I am ever going to feel.
Truly, I believe, that all of those who've had something mean to say about me - are right. I believe that I am a loser. I believe that I'm beastly, and unattractive. I believe that I will never be loved for who I truly am, without it ending it heart break. I believe that I'm not "cool" enough to have friends, and that I'm not smart enough to get a good education or to get a good career for that matter.
I believe, that no matter what I will try to show on the outside - and no matter how many times I try to convince myself of who is looking back at me in the bathroom mirror - I will always be that fourth grade dweeb. The one with big glasses; frizzy, uncontrollable hair; dark hair on my upper lip that makes me look even more beastly; a disgusting body; a retarded, squinty eyed smile. The one who always got beat up during recess - pebbles getting stuck in my face; who got crammed into a locker and not let out until someone was nice enough to let me out; who got text books slammed on her head; made to eat mud and grass; chased home every day after school by kids who were on bikes. I will forever remain that loser, who had no friends and nobody who gave a damn about her.
Seems like every time I turn around, someone is breaking my heart. Which leads me to believe that I'm not worth loving, that I don't deserve to laugh or to smile. If it isn't my mother breaking my heart, it's my father, if it's not my parents, it's Kristofor. If it's not Kristofor, it's someone who has been claiming to be my friend - but turns out in the end - that they aren't. If it's not someone else breaking my heart, it's me breaking my own heart.
Through out my entire life, I've had so many people trample my heart, that I believe I'm beginning to trample my own heart because I've known nothing but misery. For the little while I experienced happiness, it turns out it was nothing more than a lie - and it made me realize that it wasn't true happiness I was feeling. It was all fake.
My mother continues to walk all over me, and I continue to forgive her. I always say that I won't, but in the end, I always do. What happens when I do? It always comes down to her walking all over me again, or making me feel guilty or terrible about things that I shouldn't feel guilty or terrible about. Of all people, I thought she was the one who wasn't going to do those things to me - but yet - she does. She's just like the rest of the world.
My father continues to believe everything that my mother tells her, so he ends up walking all over me as well. If he isn't walking all over me, or cutting me down some more - he's ignoring me - which makes me feel even worse because I actually believed that he cared, and it turned out that the entire time - he truly didn't.
Then there is Kristofor, my one and only. I've done a million things wrong in my relationship with him, which I believe led him to fall out of love with me. It continues to break my heart, because I cannot say "I love you" without either getting silence, or feeling completely shut down. But at the same time, I cannot help but say it - because I do love him. I want him to know that I love him still, even though he doesn't love me back - but it kills me a little each time I say it. Or how I cannot help but think of Karissa, and what their e-mails meant.
For the past ten months, I've poured everything that I can manage into this relationship - only to find out that three quarters of it was a lie - and now I don't know if I can come back from it. I believed that it wasn't too late to make it right, but the more and more time goes by - I believe that - it is too late. I believe that he's fallen too out of love with me, and I believe that he won't be able to come back from it - as much as he says he will be able to.
I will, I believe, remain that fourth grade loser forever. Worthless. Unloved and undeserving of love, laughter, and just even smiling.
ox (! Tw!nkers !) xo
♥ ♥ ♥
Do I not deserve happiness? Do I not deserve to laugh, to smile? Do I only deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life, and feel nothing but misery and pain? Are the people who have come through my life right, that I deserve nothing good - and only bad? Because I'm not pretty enough? Or smart enough? Or "cool" enough? Do I not deserve to be loved? Am I not worth loving? Am I not loveable?
Will I forever remain that fourth grade loser, who got beat up on a regular daily basis and crammed into lockers? Will I forever remain that beastly, worthless, unattractive, loser? Are people going to continue to lie to my face, and stab me in the back? Am I always going to remain that person who stands on the outside - looking in? A loner? Is nobody ever going to have anything nice to say to my face, and actually mean it? Will it always be lies, and never the truth? Do I not deserve to hear the truth?
Once I am gone, am I going to be forgotten? Will my name be forgotten by those whom I've loved, and who I believe love me back? Will I become nothing more than a blurred thought lost in their memory? Will I just fade away into the background, like I've continued to do through out my life?
Right now, that is how it feels. I feel like I don't deserve happiness. I feel like I don't deserve to laugh, or even show the slightest signs of a smile. I feel like I deserve to feel only misery the rest of my life, and pain. I feel as though that is all I am ever going to feel.
Truly, I believe, that all of those who've had something mean to say about me - are right. I believe that I am a loser. I believe that I'm beastly, and unattractive. I believe that I will never be loved for who I truly am, without it ending it heart break. I believe that I'm not "cool" enough to have friends, and that I'm not smart enough to get a good education or to get a good career for that matter.
I believe, that no matter what I will try to show on the outside - and no matter how many times I try to convince myself of who is looking back at me in the bathroom mirror - I will always be that fourth grade dweeb. The one with big glasses; frizzy, uncontrollable hair; dark hair on my upper lip that makes me look even more beastly; a disgusting body; a retarded, squinty eyed smile. The one who always got beat up during recess - pebbles getting stuck in my face; who got crammed into a locker and not let out until someone was nice enough to let me out; who got text books slammed on her head; made to eat mud and grass; chased home every day after school by kids who were on bikes. I will forever remain that loser, who had no friends and nobody who gave a damn about her.
Seems like every time I turn around, someone is breaking my heart. Which leads me to believe that I'm not worth loving, that I don't deserve to laugh or to smile. If it isn't my mother breaking my heart, it's my father, if it's not my parents, it's Kristofor. If it's not Kristofor, it's someone who has been claiming to be my friend - but turns out in the end - that they aren't. If it's not someone else breaking my heart, it's me breaking my own heart.
Through out my entire life, I've had so many people trample my heart, that I believe I'm beginning to trample my own heart because I've known nothing but misery. For the little while I experienced happiness, it turns out it was nothing more than a lie - and it made me realize that it wasn't true happiness I was feeling. It was all fake.
My mother continues to walk all over me, and I continue to forgive her. I always say that I won't, but in the end, I always do. What happens when I do? It always comes down to her walking all over me again, or making me feel guilty or terrible about things that I shouldn't feel guilty or terrible about. Of all people, I thought she was the one who wasn't going to do those things to me - but yet - she does. She's just like the rest of the world.
My father continues to believe everything that my mother tells her, so he ends up walking all over me as well. If he isn't walking all over me, or cutting me down some more - he's ignoring me - which makes me feel even worse because I actually believed that he cared, and it turned out that the entire time - he truly didn't.
Then there is Kristofor, my one and only. I've done a million things wrong in my relationship with him, which I believe led him to fall out of love with me. It continues to break my heart, because I cannot say "I love you" without either getting silence, or feeling completely shut down. But at the same time, I cannot help but say it - because I do love him. I want him to know that I love him still, even though he doesn't love me back - but it kills me a little each time I say it. Or how I cannot help but think of Karissa, and what their e-mails meant.
For the past ten months, I've poured everything that I can manage into this relationship - only to find out that three quarters of it was a lie - and now I don't know if I can come back from it. I believed that it wasn't too late to make it right, but the more and more time goes by - I believe that - it is too late. I believe that he's fallen too out of love with me, and I believe that he won't be able to come back from it - as much as he says he will be able to.
I will, I believe, remain that fourth grade loser forever. Worthless. Unloved and undeserving of love, laughter, and just even smiling.
ox (! Tw!nkers !) xo
♥ ♥ ♥