'Say Hello Before You Say Goodbye'
So superlurk said "His coat, although very fine, is secondhand, something that eats away at the remnants of his former self. His hands are a little chapped, it's cold, and he's so fucking tired..." about yesterday's hooker!Draco art. And it got me thinking, then writing
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I've always found the idea that magic might be destroyed to vanquish Voldemort an interesting one, but I'd never really thought, then, what would happen to people like Draco who don't have any experience with the Muggle world and how to blend in there, how to survive. This is a fantastic take on it.
I love the intercutting of the present and the night before. You did a tremendous job with the adjectives, if that's not too weird a thing to say - even when you're describing something positive, it's not really mentioned in a really positive way, if that makes sense.
I'm desperate to know what the original last line was, though. I read it as quite final - the possibility that Harry might, you know, save him didn't even register with me until ( ... )
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There were a few instances where I was a little thrown by the phrasing, but then it sort of coalesced into feeling like you were trying to create the sensation that Draco was overwhelmed.I was writing in a slightly jerky style intentionally, because that felt right for the subject, and the phrasing will have been more Brit than usual, because I let myself phrase things in a British way when I'm writing this fandom. But if you think there are some sections that would benefit from a tidy up, do tell me. I won't be offended ( ... )
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Just write it as romantic DOOM!fic. You can do it! That's my cheerleading voice, if you were wondering. Also, I don't know what it is with you and the imagry lately, but the idea of the 'happy fic hat' - Well, suffice it to say that in my head, it rather resembles Snape's hat from the Boggart scene, only with more feathers and bright colours.
But if you think there are some sections that would benefit from a tidy up, do tell me. I won't be offended.
It actually wasn't at all the phrasing that threw me so much as it was the sentence fragments, especially at the beginning. Towards the end, the sentence structure tended to flow much more smoothly, and it was much easier to parse, at least for me. I think that the place where I noticed it most was here:
There is steam billowing out of the back of the building. It smells of spices and far away places that he's never visited. He watches clouds of it ( ... )
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Sorry, what? Haven't a clue what you're on about, love. What would I do with a happy fic hat? I don't write happy fic. I write DOOM.
I've tidied up the paragraph you mentioned, and you're right, it does read better as a longer sentence. Were there any other places where they were jolting?
That bit that I mentioned was the worst of it, I think. I mean, I understand what you were doing with the emphasis, but I think that it just went a bit too far there. There were a few other places where it read a bit off to me - 'but it's scratchy against his neck' felt too fragmented to me. The rest of it reads differently, to me, anyhow. I think that when that first chunk of the fragmentation is struck, the rest of it works more effectively. The only other quibble that I had was this: fat dick stuck his dick inside. I had to read it two or three times to really get it, and would maybe suggest replacing the first 'dick' with another expletive ( ... )
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...This is a joke. Right? Because seriously, I'm not sure that I could write fluff - especially with that pairing - ever. The closest thing that I've ever written would be a Frodo/Sam gen piece a while back, and it sucks. Sucks, Signe. Would you like me to repeat that a few times? Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks. Because it sucks.
You're being a big help.
I'm being finicky and irritating and overly critical of a finished product is what I'm being. But thank you. I just - Grr. I have this need to edit things. Even when I'm reading the HP books - okay, especially when I'm reading the HP books - I keep wanting to get out a red ink pen and start striking words. 'This is repetitive. This dialogue is stilted. This entire phrase is redundant. This is a paragraph of sentence fragments. This word has been used seven times in four paragraphcs. This is a huge, gaping plot hole.' Okay, well, that last one's mostly restricted ( ... )
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The happy schmoopy fic challenge so isn't a joke. Think of it as an exercise to stretch your writing ability. Go on, you can do it!
I had the same problem with OoTP in particular. I'd started betaing by then, so I kept inserting beta comments as I was reading. JKR is amazing when it comes to constructing a universe, but descriptive writing really isn't her forte!
2707 words replying to my comment! Phew. LJ doesn't take comments that long (I've had to post snippets in two separate comments) so it would have taken about 6 comments to fit it all in. *snickers* I really must get around to reading that post, though I won't guarantee you a thoughtful response. Meta and I don't really mix too well.
And please, do always feel free to give me constructive crit, especially stylistic crit.
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God, man. Word. If you want to know the truth, after the first time I read the book, I skip the first, like, chapter. Always. Because I do not need to have Privet Lane described to me yet again, nor do I need to know that Harry is still skinny and kind of gawky and has glasses and -- hey! a scar on his forehead! I mean, really. I know that the books need to stand alone, but I maintain that they'd be more effective if she'd allow people to pick some stuff up from the context instead of restating it in large chunks every time something comes up.
I really must get around to reading that post, though I won't guarantee you a thoughtful response. No pressure. I find myself kind of bubbling over with all kinds of meta-thoughts lately, and have no idea where it's all coming from. I have a roughdraft file full of notes on meta essays and rants that I want to write, though I'm going to have to wait until I'm a bit less medicated to do so ( ... )
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