'Say Hello Before You Say Goodbye'
So superlurk said "His coat, although very fine, is secondhand, something that eats away at the remnants of his former self. His hands are a little chapped, it's cold, and he's so fucking tired..." about yesterday's hooker!Draco art. And it got me thinking, then writing
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Just write it as romantic DOOM!fic. You can do it! That's my cheerleading voice, if you were wondering. Also, I don't know what it is with you and the imagry lately, but the idea of the 'happy fic hat' - Well, suffice it to say that in my head, it rather resembles Snape's hat from the Boggart scene, only with more feathers and bright colours.
But if you think there are some sections that would benefit from a tidy up, do tell me. I won't be offended.
It actually wasn't at all the phrasing that threw me so much as it was the sentence fragments, especially at the beginning. Towards the end, the sentence structure tended to flow much more smoothly, and it was much easier to parse, at least for me. I think that the place where I noticed it most was here:
There is steam billowing out of the back of the building. It smells of spices and far away places that he's never visited. He watches clouds of it catch the remnants of the street light that reach this far into the alley.
It's just - The sentence division makes me feel like I'm reading something from a less accomplished writer, I suppose. It's not a slur - Please don't take it like that - But that sort of fragmentation pulled me a little out of the story every time that you used it. This was the worst instance, I think, but there were a few other times when the fragments seemed to be more jarring than I assume that they were intended, especially given the style of the surrounding sentences. It may just be me, I suppose, because I tend to prefer longer sentences when it comes to descriptive writing, but it threw me.
I'd like to take the idea of how the wizarding world would survive, and how they'd react to Harry if he destroyed all magic, further, although I don't have a scenario in mind yet.
I'd be interested to read that, if you wrote it. I have a hard time wrapping my head around things like that, to be honest. Thinking about it, though, I'm almost - like, I'm almost inclined to say that magic is so integral to the world that the destruction of magic would effect far more than just the Wizarding world. I sort of think that if anything was going to cause chaos like that, it would be the restrictions upon magic being loosened or done away with entirely - If Harry's going to damage the whole infrastructure of their society, that'd be an effective way to do it, because then magic would be --
Hm. Now I have half a bunny, there, basis being that magic is an organic element that is everywhere, but largely repressed by the superstition of the church, by technology, by fear. And in destroying Voldemort, Harry manages to sort of relieve the more organic forms of magic from some of their repression - Trees and plants gain near-sentience; People - even muggles - are doing the sort of wandless magic that Harry accidentally did when he blew up Marge; Spectral creatures that had lurked in the shadows are suddenly in the mainstream. Though I suppose that having written that all out, it'd end up being more original fic than it would fanfic. That, or it'd be the longest fanfic in the history of everything ever. But it'd be kind of neat to write, I think.
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As for the romantic fic, I'm starting again and trying to keep it, well, at least not porny. It's still not going to be happy fic, but it's got a more romantic setting. *g*
I've tidied up the paragraph you mentioned, and you're right, it does read better as a longer sentence. Were there any other places where they were jolting? I added one other little bit of description which had the added benefit of making the sentence longer, but in places I originally split things up for emphasis, so I didn't want to change the structure and make it less emphatic. On the other hand, I don't want it to be awkward to read...
It's interesting to read your take on a world where magic has been destroyed. I was thinking on a level of how people would manage in a practical way, but hadn't considered all the possible side effects on the world as a whole. It's a fascinating idea, that if developed magic goes, other types would be freed. I'd love to read more about that. Nanowrimo???
If I wasn't far too sensible to issue another challenge (*g*), I'd be tempted to challenge people to write about the repercussions of Harry destroying magic, to see just how many different versions came up. I might compromise, and just post the question, see what ideas others have.
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Sorry, what? Haven't a clue what you're on about, love. What would I do with a happy fic hat? I don't write happy fic. I write DOOM.
I've tidied up the paragraph you mentioned, and you're right, it does read better as a longer sentence. Were there any other places where they were jolting?
That bit that I mentioned was the worst of it, I think. I mean, I understand what you were doing with the emphasis, but I think that it just went a bit too far there. There were a few other places where it read a bit off to me - 'but it's scratchy against his neck' felt too fragmented to me. The rest of it reads differently, to me, anyhow. I think that when that first chunk of the fragmentation is struck, the rest of it works more effectively. The only other quibble that I had was this: fat dick stuck his dick inside. I had to read it two or three times to really get it, and would maybe suggest replacing the first 'dick' with another expletive.
Also, on repeated rereading, I was struck by how much I like your characterisation of Draco. I didn't catch it all the first time, but his dismissal of the rumours about Harry's upbringing as 'obviously...twisted tales' caught me this time, and I loved that. Just thought that I'd mention it.
It's a fascinating idea, that if developed magic goes, other types would be freed. I'd love to read more about that. Nanowrimo???
The more that I think about it, though, the less that I'm able to view it as a HP story and the more that I'm having to see it as original fic. And I already have one idea for original fic lined up for Nano - Hm. I might have to actually, like, make a choice, here. What is this? I am not a write-y person. Make it stop! I don't know what to do! (Or, rather, don't know what I'd rather write first. I ought sketch outlines for them both and see which looks easier to write. Or which my friends would be less irritated by when I foist it upon them and go 'HELP ME GOING INSANE HELP!')
I might compromise, and just post the question, see what ideas others have.
I'd be interested to see what people come up with, even if I didn't really say much myself. I find this sort of discussion frustrating sometimes, because on one hand, I'm fairly sure that the books will go predictably, and that there will be no great war, no great destruction. On the other hand, though, I know what I'm more interestd in reading, and for me, it's about the war and the destruction and what happens after. I want the minutia of how Ginny feels when she throws her first killing curse, I want to watch things disintegrate. So I have something of a hard time really writing HP fic that's interesting to me, because I feel like if I'm going to go all out with an AU-verse and it's going to be long, I may as well suck it up and make it original fic, you know? I - hm. On second thought, this is about to go into a long thing about why I read fanfic and why I read what I read, so maybe nevermind. Maybe I'll make a post about it later. But I'll spare you the rant. :)
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I am formally challenging you. Seeing as you have my hat, I challenge you to write happy, schmoopy Harry/Draco fic. Including the word 'bunnies'.
I hadn't read that bit about the scarf carefully enough - glad you spotted that, it was awful!! Is hopefully better now.
I was kind of amused by the double dick sentence, but I do see your point, so I've changed that. You're being a big help. *smooches you*
You've thrilled me with your comment about Draco's characterisation. I can imagine him repeating the rumours about Harry's background to his father, and Lucius angrily saying that it was all just propoganda to make people feel sorry for Harry.
It's interesting that you see the ideas as diverging into original fiction, because I was only thinking last night that I've never had any desire to write original fiction. I love playing in other people's universes, borrowing their characters, and the thought of having to make up all that background just doesn't appeal. It's probably the reason I never wrote anything apart from some bad poetry until I started writing fan fiction.
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...This is a joke. Right? Because seriously, I'm not sure that I could write fluff - especially with that pairing - ever. The closest thing that I've ever written would be a Frodo/Sam gen piece a while back, and it sucks. Sucks, Signe. Would you like me to repeat that a few times? Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks. Because it sucks.
You're being a big help.
I'm being finicky and irritating and overly critical of a finished product is what I'm being. But thank you. I just - Grr. I have this need to edit things. Even when I'm reading the HP books - okay, especially when I'm reading the HP books - I keep wanting to get out a red ink pen and start striking words. 'This is repetitive. This dialogue is stilted. This entire phrase is redundant. This is a paragraph of sentence fragments. This word has been used seven times in four paragraphcs. This is a huge, gaping plot hole.' Okay, well, that last one's mostly restricted to the screenplay, but still. I mean, I know that the phrasing in the books is necessary because they're being written for children, but it drives me insane with fanfic, because fanfic is aimed at a more mature audience, you know?
God. I'm so hateful. I'm sorry.
You've thrilled me with your comment about Draco's characterisation.
It was fantastic, though. He was just being so bitter about it all. So very Draco and so very bitter, even in his lowered circumstances. He was still very much a Malfoy, if that makes any sense.
I've never had any desire to write original fiction.
Okay, so, I started to reply to this, and then the next thing I knew, I had this epic (2500) word reply about the lines between AU and OF and how I view the two, and I decided that it would be rude to spam your comments with it, so I made a post here. The post is pretty much exactly what I'd typed up to reply to you with, save about three sentences that I added at the bottom to pose the question to a wider audience. I'm also totally calling that my writing for the day, because damnit, 2707 total words of replying to ONE DAMN COMMENT is quite enough, thank you. *loves*
Seriously, that sparked a totally fascinating discussion with myself, and I thank you for it.
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The happy schmoopy fic challenge so isn't a joke. Think of it as an exercise to stretch your writing ability. Go on, you can do it!
I had the same problem with OoTP in particular. I'd started betaing by then, so I kept inserting beta comments as I was reading. JKR is amazing when it comes to constructing a universe, but descriptive writing really isn't her forte!
2707 words replying to my comment! Phew. LJ doesn't take comments that long (I've had to post snippets in two separate comments) so it would have taken about 6 comments to fit it all in. *snickers* I really must get around to reading that post, though I won't guarantee you a thoughtful response. Meta and I don't really mix too well.
And please, do always feel free to give me constructive crit, especially stylistic crit.
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God, man. Word. If you want to know the truth, after the first time I read the book, I skip the first, like, chapter. Always. Because I do not need to have Privet Lane described to me yet again, nor do I need to know that Harry is still skinny and kind of gawky and has glasses and -- hey! a scar on his forehead! I mean, really. I know that the books need to stand alone, but I maintain that they'd be more effective if she'd allow people to pick some stuff up from the context instead of restating it in large chunks every time something comes up.
I really must get around to reading that post, though I won't guarantee you a thoughtful response.
No pressure. I find myself kind of bubbling over with all kinds of meta-thoughts lately, and have no idea where it's all coming from. I have a roughdraft file full of notes on meta essays and rants that I want to write, though I'm going to have to wait until I'm a bit less medicated to do so. I ended up at the doctor's again today and apparently have three new infections, plus my old lung one. I have no idea what I'm going to do in eight months when I'm not eligible for student insurance through my mom anymore.
do always feel free to give me constructive crit
I feel mean about it, though, because you're a good writer - better than me - and I'm anal retentive and strangely picky about minor things. Plus, it's rare that you post anything that I have major quibbles with. (Though god, every once in a while I'll be in a community and see someone asking for constructive crit, and I'm tempted to actually, you know, do so. And then I remember that in fandom, that's considered to be crushing the soul of a gentle, delicate flower who needs nurtured and loved and then I have to go and vomit.)
The happy schmoopy fic challenge so isn't a joke.
I started something, and then it turned into unrequited Ginny/Harry and Hermione/Harry with Draco/Harry serving as a catalyst for Ginny/Hermione, and while that's all well and good, it's also angstfilled and not what you asked for. So that's shelved, for the moment. I'll keep trying, though no promises, since medicine makes it hard for me to say much more than 'omgsokewl. can i have ice cream now?'
Also, yes. LJ + Comments != OTfuckin'P. Like, work, damnit. Sure, I'm pleased to be getting these comments from the beginning of June, but the stuff from now would be more helpful.
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