Compassion
Okay, it's super, super late, but I just want to type because I haven't wrote an LJ entry in basically a week!
It was so gorgeous in Martha's Vineyard. I think sometimes I take my church fellowship group for granted just because basically all of us have grown up with each other. I'm so used to seeing them every Sunday, once a week, almost 52 times a year. It's sort of like.. I forget that we all have our own lives outside of church and our time together. I have never met Fanny's school friends and she's been my oldest and most close friend.
SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO PUT PICTURES UP ON LJ SO I CAN PUT SOME EXAMPLES OF MY INTENSE CRAZINESS AND LOVE THIS WEEKEND???
I love loving. I love lauving. I love my friends. I love God. This is such a pointless entry I have no idea what I'm trying to say.
When I was in Maine last week, I was looking at the water and the weather was really nice, and I saw the sun hitting the water and sparkling and I was just thinking to myself: "I see God in that. Right when the light hits the water. That is God to me." And I was like... almost preparing myself because I think that's such a typical question. "Where do you see God?" One of my answers now is that I see Him in that moment when the light reflects off the water.
Oh man, Hurricane Katrina. Sam Zimman basically summed up what I have been thinking about regarding that topic. It's just like... I think it's such a bigger deal because no one ever imagines our prosperous America to undergo such a "third-world" disaster. And then it's also like... when people are like "Let's help those people in other countries" and other people are like "well, why don't we solve our own problems before we solve other people's?" and now we can't even solve our own crisis... it's just like "so what was the whole point of arguing against helping other people?"
It's time like this when I feel so guilty. I have all this emotion and all these thoughts and all these things that I feel as though I really do believe... but then I don't see me putting myself into action. Like I want to go volunteer at the Red Cross and I think I'm going to, but when I pass those jars and those opportunities for donations, I don't do it. I become the other side. In Martha's Vineyard, there were these little kids selling lemonade and cookies for donations to Katrina and I really wanted to buy something to support, but I didn't have my wallet with me so I really meant it when I told them "I'll be back!" But then I forgot and didn't remember... I became the person that usually I feel I am not.
Basically, I'm struggling with showing compassion. That was one of the themes of the weekend. And I talked about how when I was in Hong Kong, I would pass these beggars on the street who really were in need because most of them were handicapped and had legs or arms amputated, but because the culture in Hong Kong is so much like "Mind your own business" and "These people go themselves there, they're so desperate they are begging, if I give then I won't be able to earn my money back"... the group and I were discussing it and it was just like.. Fanny was like "It just seems like it's so much worse to be homeless and begging in Asia" And as terrible as it is to make such a huge generalization, I think it is pretty true. It's been internalized in people, well okay, I'll just say most Hong Kong people, that you have to be cautious and you shouldn't give anything to anyone because they could run away with it. (Now, don't think that Hong Kong is this extremely dangerous place where there are robbers waiting on ever street corner or something, people have just been trained to be more cautious.) But my relatives even told me "Don't give any money to anyone, even the beggars." And it just hurt me, as a Christian, to pass all these people and to be held back by this restraint, both by my relatives' words and by my own lack of true compassion.
Another example: my aunt and I were walking across a footbridge (there are a lot in Hong Kong because the streets and sidewalks are usually full of people anyway) and then all of a sudden while I'm walking I see this guy in front of me walking towards me (not like he was approaching me, but just going the opposite way I was going) and he was reaching out in front of him like he was trying to grab something. I had no idea what he was doing and I was alarmed because I didn't know if he was like.. dangerous or something. So I didn't do anything. But then I turned back because I was still wondering and my aunt was like "It looks like he might be in pain or going through some health issue right now." And I was just like "Omgosh" in my head. And something told me to turn back, but I didn't. Because I was already moving along with my aunt. And it was just like... as though I sort of got caught up with the whole attitude of just minding your own business, but I did keep looking back and I saw him hold the side wall and I stopped for a few seconds before I saw someone run towards him and since I knew he was being helped I turned around and walked away.
But I still feel awful. Why is it so hard to show compassion still? Why is it so hard for me to not be scared of those border lines? I mean, okay, I know I'm not as scared as a lot of other people are, but my own conscience is telling me to jump over those lines, but my body and actions are not. And it's so frustrating.
I don't know.. it's just I feel so contradictory and hypocritical sometimes and it feels terrible but then it's not like I change that much! "At least I think about it." Bah, humbug. It's not good enough for me. And I don't feel like it's good enough for God.
I guess... I will just have to continue to pray and realize what I'm saying now and have it match what I do later on...?
Good night <3
It was so gorgeous in Martha's Vineyard. I think sometimes I take my church fellowship group for granted just because basically all of us have grown up with each other. I'm so used to seeing them every Sunday, once a week, almost 52 times a year. It's sort of like.. I forget that we all have our own lives outside of church and our time together. I have never met Fanny's school friends and she's been my oldest and most close friend.
SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO PUT PICTURES UP ON LJ SO I CAN PUT SOME EXAMPLES OF MY INTENSE CRAZINESS AND LOVE THIS WEEKEND???
I love loving. I love lauving. I love my friends. I love God. This is such a pointless entry I have no idea what I'm trying to say.
When I was in Maine last week, I was looking at the water and the weather was really nice, and I saw the sun hitting the water and sparkling and I was just thinking to myself: "I see God in that. Right when the light hits the water. That is God to me." And I was like... almost preparing myself because I think that's such a typical question. "Where do you see God?" One of my answers now is that I see Him in that moment when the light reflects off the water.
Oh man, Hurricane Katrina. Sam Zimman basically summed up what I have been thinking about regarding that topic. It's just like... I think it's such a bigger deal because no one ever imagines our prosperous America to undergo such a "third-world" disaster. And then it's also like... when people are like "Let's help those people in other countries" and other people are like "well, why don't we solve our own problems before we solve other people's?" and now we can't even solve our own crisis... it's just like "so what was the whole point of arguing against helping other people?"
It's time like this when I feel so guilty. I have all this emotion and all these thoughts and all these things that I feel as though I really do believe... but then I don't see me putting myself into action. Like I want to go volunteer at the Red Cross and I think I'm going to, but when I pass those jars and those opportunities for donations, I don't do it. I become the other side. In Martha's Vineyard, there were these little kids selling lemonade and cookies for donations to Katrina and I really wanted to buy something to support, but I didn't have my wallet with me so I really meant it when I told them "I'll be back!" But then I forgot and didn't remember... I became the person that usually I feel I am not.
Basically, I'm struggling with showing compassion. That was one of the themes of the weekend. And I talked about how when I was in Hong Kong, I would pass these beggars on the street who really were in need because most of them were handicapped and had legs or arms amputated, but because the culture in Hong Kong is so much like "Mind your own business" and "These people go themselves there, they're so desperate they are begging, if I give then I won't be able to earn my money back"... the group and I were discussing it and it was just like.. Fanny was like "It just seems like it's so much worse to be homeless and begging in Asia" And as terrible as it is to make such a huge generalization, I think it is pretty true. It's been internalized in people, well okay, I'll just say most Hong Kong people, that you have to be cautious and you shouldn't give anything to anyone because they could run away with it. (Now, don't think that Hong Kong is this extremely dangerous place where there are robbers waiting on ever street corner or something, people have just been trained to be more cautious.) But my relatives even told me "Don't give any money to anyone, even the beggars." And it just hurt me, as a Christian, to pass all these people and to be held back by this restraint, both by my relatives' words and by my own lack of true compassion.
Another example: my aunt and I were walking across a footbridge (there are a lot in Hong Kong because the streets and sidewalks are usually full of people anyway) and then all of a sudden while I'm walking I see this guy in front of me walking towards me (not like he was approaching me, but just going the opposite way I was going) and he was reaching out in front of him like he was trying to grab something. I had no idea what he was doing and I was alarmed because I didn't know if he was like.. dangerous or something. So I didn't do anything. But then I turned back because I was still wondering and my aunt was like "It looks like he might be in pain or going through some health issue right now." And I was just like "Omgosh" in my head. And something told me to turn back, but I didn't. Because I was already moving along with my aunt. And it was just like... as though I sort of got caught up with the whole attitude of just minding your own business, but I did keep looking back and I saw him hold the side wall and I stopped for a few seconds before I saw someone run towards him and since I knew he was being helped I turned around and walked away.
But I still feel awful. Why is it so hard to show compassion still? Why is it so hard for me to not be scared of those border lines? I mean, okay, I know I'm not as scared as a lot of other people are, but my own conscience is telling me to jump over those lines, but my body and actions are not. And it's so frustrating.
I don't know.. it's just I feel so contradictory and hypocritical sometimes and it feels terrible but then it's not like I change that much! "At least I think about it." Bah, humbug. It's not good enough for me. And I don't feel like it's good enough for God.
I guess... I will just have to continue to pray and realize what I'm saying now and have it match what I do later on...?
Good night <3