32: Noel Saves Christmas
Title: Noel Saves Christmas
Author: Sharmie
Rating: PG-13, for Russell.
Summary: This is the Christmas Special. It continues RIGHT AFTER the last one. Simon is a cranky, sarcastic thing, lovely people are very stupid, and Leah and I have adventures in Toronto.
Notes: Bad things always happen in the holiday season. Also, no, I won't rename it to the title Leah thinks is alternate. :p
The four roommates were confused as to what they were supposed to do. Leah had called Housing Services and they had taken absolutely no responsibility for the lack of housing. Neither had they cared about loss of several wonderful pieces of furniture, most important being Noel’s clock arm chair, and Patrick Fish’s tank. Patrick Fish had been scooped out in haste, and was huddled in a tupperware container with holes stabbed in the lid. The sword sent to them through the portal by Stephen Fry was tucked into Leah’s duffel bag. She would probably use it to fend of rapists.
The parents of the three girls were coming to pick them up, some a lot sooner than others, but Paisley had persuaded her parents to come pick up her stuff and then go home and come back to do her bidding later on, so that she could help figure out what they were going to do with Noel, whose home was in the UK.
They were all freezing, standing out on the lawn in various states of undress and boots. Well, the undress was really more t-shirt and pajama pants in Sharmie’s case, and no jackets for any of them, since in their haste they had tossed them in their suitcases and bags. Julian and Simon were clutching theirs, sort of forgetting that they might want to be warm since it was snowing.
“I guess we should find our jackets?” suggested Leah, rummaging through the larger of her bags until she retrieved a large and bright yellow trenchcoat.
“That’s completely inappropriate for the weather,” Julian pointed out, quite obviously.
“So is holding your jacket instead of wearing it,” replied Leah, bundling herself in the bright garment.
“So where is Noel going to live while we find a new house?” said Sharmie, staring at the point where the house once was.
“I don’t know,” said Leah. “Somewhere that he can move in to, like, right now.”
“With all his stuff,” added Paisley.
“Stop talking about me like I’m not here!” said Noel.
“Also, I’ve got a solution to this problem,” added Julian, plucking at the one glove he had managed to find in his pocket.
“What kind of solution?” asked Sharmie.
“Does it involve an orgy?” asked Paisley, but this was only in her mind.
“I guess he could stay with me,” said Julian, sort of grinning at Noel. “We could be roommates, at least until you find a new place with the girls.”
“Or permanently!” said Noel.
“I’m going to have to decline on that, Noel,” said Julian. “I need my privacy, and with you around I know I’m not getting any of that.”
“I’m cold,” said Simon, whose cheeks, nose and ears were quite red, while the rest of his face was very white.
“He’s tiny, so he’s freezing first,” said Sharmie as she shrugged her coat on.
“Let’s go to The Pit,” said Leah considering getting some chips if she could find her wallet.
“And leave all our stuff sitting on the lawn?” asked Paisley skeptically. She was skeptical.
“Dude, our house just imploded,” said Leah, gesturing emphatically at the absence of a townhouse. “I don’t think anyone’s going to walk by and go ‘Hey, let’s steal the stuff sitting in front of the house that used to be here’ so much as they will go ‘HALF A BUILDING IS MISSING HERE’.”
“True fact,” replied Paisley.
“Let’s get warm then,” said Sharmie cheerfully. She was full of cheer.
They traipsed off together to get food related items.
In the LA Cafe, Paisley, Leah, Sharmie, Noel, Julian and Simon sat on one of the couches, all squished together and stealing each other’s body heat and french fries.
“We should look at listings, like, tomorrow,” said Leah.
“Yeah, see if we can actually find somewhere to live next semester,” said Sharmie.
“I’d be fine,” said Paisley, drinking her chai tea. Leah, Noel and Sharmie glared at her. “Okay, fine,” she said hastily. “That wouldn’t be good for you guys.” She rolled her eyes as she looked away, but they all saw her anyways.
“Oh,” said Leah, and stared sort of at the ceiling while everyone stared at her expectantly. “It’s like.. Carol of the Bells, but raped with techno and fail.” They stared at her some more. “What?” she said.
“I was expecting conversation, personally,” said Julian.
“Typical,” scoffed Simon.
“What?” said Julian.
“Not you,” Simon grumbled. “The university. I mean, could we PRETEND other religions exist, please? I mean, it’s not like the Jewish exist or anything. Apparently Hanukkah doesn’t exist, therefore anyone who doesn’t accept Jesus Christ as their savior deserves to be phased out of existence!”
“Ouch,” said Paisley. “Bitter much?”
“Bitter!” squeaked Simon, rather adorably. He was quite adorable when he was angry. So much so that no one else could really be very upset, though they understood why he was... sort of... okay not really. “I’m only bitter because even in this supposedly diverse country, we’re battered over the head with Christmas time OVER and OVER again. I mean, look over there--christmas tree! And over there--animatronic Santa Claus! And over there--”
“We get it,” interrupted Sharmie, smiling at him to show she was on his side. Which she was. Because she had a Ph.d in cheer. “You don’t have a Ph.d,” Julian pointed out.
“I will if I pass all my classes,” retorted Sharmie.
“Anyways,” said Leah pointedly. “My parents will be here in like ten minutes. So maybe we should go back to our lawn?”
“Oh,” said Paisley, looking at her phone. “Mine have been there for fifteen minutes, waiting for me.”
So they walked back. Leah and Sharmie were picked up to return to Toronto for the holidays, and also until they find a new house. Paisley’s stuff was taken to her house, and her parents promised to pick her up from south while she, Julian and Noel walked Simon back to his residence in the snowy night.
“Will I see you guys over the holidays?” asked Paisley as they stood awkwardly outside Simon’s room.
“I guess so,” said Simon. “It’s not like I’ve made any other friends yet.”
“We’ll be around, right Ju?” added Noel. Julian nodded in response.
“Wonderful,” said Paisley. “We can have lots of sex at your place, Julian,” she added, but she imagined this entirely.
“Bye Simon,” said Noel, giving him a hug.
“Bye,” said Simon. “See you later.” Paisley, Julian and Noel stood there. “You can go now,” Simon added, his door very slightly ajar. “No, really. I feel uncomfortable shutting the door in your faces, but I’ll do it.” They stared at him, still smiling. He closed the door. They left.
“Want to come Downtown?” asked Sharmie. She and Leah were on the phone and bored out of their minds. They were playing the Sims at the same time, so their conversation was really fragmented.
“Alright,” said Leah, trying to kill off the parents of one of her favourite sims.
“Are you responding to the question, or are you responding because I’ve said something that you didn’t hear and so you figure saying ‘Alright’ covers all your bases?”
“Bit of both,” said Leah.
“So a yes, then?”
“Yes.”
They decided to meet at Yonge in an hour and a half and they would decide what they were doing from there. It would probably be wandering around the Eaton Centre, but they liked to keep their options open.
“Thanks for organizing this,” said Paisley to Noel. They were all sitting around at a couple of tables in this interesting 50s themed diner, which for some reason, was also full of christmas decorations that clashed horribly with everything.
Noel had decided that everyone still in Guelph for the holidays should be together for at least one day, and so he had invited Julian, Paisley, Simon, Matt Berry and Richard Ayoade to dinner. In a diner.
“Paisley, sit at the head of the table,” directed Noel, frowning slightly.
“Why?” she said.
“Because I said so,” he said. It was because he didn’t want her creeping anyone. He ignored her further inquires and pointed everyone else to where he wanted them to sit. Because he was controlling like that.
They all sat together and started chatting.
“The problem with the traditional metals for sword making is that they get dull too quickly,” said Richard Ayoade, talking Matt Berry. “When you’re locked in a three-day fight to the death, you really need a sword to stand the test of time.”
“I once fought a llama with my bare hands,” replied Matt Berry.
“That’s... interesting...” said Richard Ayoade, “If somewhat off-topic.”
“I want to absorb your emotions,” Paisley told Julian Barratt. He looked warily at her as her smile became more and more creepy, until he leaned over to Noel.
“I don’t like the look in her eye,” he said.
“Don’t be such a berk,” Noel said. “She’s just being herself.”
“Herself scares me,” said Julian. Noel ignored him. Mostly it was because their waiter had arrived.
“What the fuck do you shitty fucknuts want from this craptastic fuck-menu?” asked Rich Fulcher.
“Everything!” cried Noel happily.
“We don’t serve that shit,” said Rich Fulcher.
“A burger and fries,” said Simon.
“Fish and Chips,” said Richard Ayoade.
“Steak,” said Matt Berry. “Medium Rare. And Whiskeeeeyyyy!”
“We don’t serve that shit by itself, man,” said Rich Fulcher. “What do you want with your whiskey?”
“More whiskeeeyyyyy,” said Matt Berry.
“Breakfast number one, thanks,” said Noel.
“Cheeseburger and fries for me,” added Julian Barratt, once he got a word in edgewise.
“Human Flesh,” said Paisley, but this was only in her mind. In reality, she asked for some pie. Because who doesn’t like pie?
“Alright, I’ll be back eventually with your food,” said Rich Fulcher. “Oh yeah, and Merry fucking Christmas.”
“Excuse me?” said Simon incredulously.
“I said Merry Christmas,” said Rich Fulcher, before walking away.
“Thank you. Thanks for reminding me that Christianity is the only important religion out there, good sir.” He glared angrily at the garish holly-patterned glasses.
“Christmas isn’t the only religion out there,” said a voice, obviously missing Simon’s sarcasm.
“Holy shit, it’s Nathan Fillion!” said Paisley excitedly.
“That I am,” said Nathan Fillion.
“What are you doing here?” Good question. It was a 50s style diner in Guelph. Nathan Fillion was a fairly famous actor. Also it was the holidays. So why was he there? I’m not sure. Let’s go back to the story and find out.
“I’m here to grant a Christmas wish,” Nathan Fillion told them. “Once a year I visit a small town and grant one child a wish for Christmas. And today, one of you will get to make the wish.”
“I’m not a child,” Julian pointed out.
“Me neither,” added Noel.
“You’re right,” said Nathan Fillion. “I guess the wish goes to the youngest person in this group.” The group all looked at Simon.
“This is ridiculous,” he muttered, his mood growing worse with every passing moment.
“What would you like for your Christmas wish?” asked Nathan Fillion, leaning down towards Simon as if he were a child.
“Sorry, ‘Christmas Wish’?” said Simon, staring at the well-built actor in disbelief. “Why would you give a Christmas wish to a little Jewish boy? He might say something like, oh I don’t know, ‘I wish Christmas didn’t exist!’ ” Nathan Fillion had failed sarcasm in school, and thus took this to be Simon’s wish. And granted it.
“Wait, no!” cried Noel, as all the symbols of Christmas time faded out of existence except for the Santa Claus cookie he was holding. Richard Ayoade was also holding a Christmas tree cookie, wondering faintly why it had eyes, and if he should destroy it, just in case. With his mouth. He decided to let it live for a while.
Christmas-related memories dribbled out of everyone’s brains, and sort of swirled together in a red, green and silvery mass of memory gas. Then they all flew inside Nathan Fillion, along with similar memories from everyone in the world. And then Nathan Fillion disappeared, waving a confused and slightly sad goodbye.
“Shit,” said Matt Berry. “I was going to ask for his autograph!”
“Hi!” Said Leah cheerfully as Sharmie rushed up the stairs at Yonge and Bloor.
“Sorry I’m late,” said Sharmie, panting a little. “I have the worst luck when it comes to meeting my friends and being on time.”
“That’s okay,” said Leah. “So where do you want to go?”
The two of them deliberated for a while, but this only led to them standing outside, sort of trying to make a decision.
“I’ve got an idea,” said Leah. “Walking is warmer than just standing here. So let’s walk to Queen street?”
“Alright,” said Sharmie. “We can look for cool T-Shirts and maybe I can find presents for you guys.”
“Presents?” said Leah hopefully.
“Yup,” replied Sharmie. “But you won’t get yours till after the break.”
The two girls energetically bounded across the street, ignoring the slush and enjoying the snow. And then they knocked over an old man, completely by accident. So they had to help him upright again, and help him across the road. Then they had to wait for the next light. This is why you should watch where you’re going when you cross the street.
Since they had all forgotten about the reason they were gathered in the diner (except Noel, who had been drinking eggnog), they left. Noel tried to get them to stay together for the spirit of the season, but since none of them knew which season that was, they had no inclination to stay together for it. Most of them weren’t even hungry.
“Don’t you remember Christmas?” asked Noel. “Shiny things on trees and an overall color-scheme? Eggnog and Candy Canes? Christmas Pudding? Mince Pies?”
“I like Mince Pies,” said Julian Barratt, but nothing else helpful or interesting.
“I think I remember,” said Richard Ayoade, regarding the cookie in his hand with some suspicion. “I think this cookie is the only evidence I have that my mind has been altered. Luckily I’m skilled in breaking through mental barriers, especially in my own mind.” At this point Julian Barratt and Matt Berry had started their walk downtown, while Simon caught the bus to his house. Paisley was waiting for her parents to pick her up.
“Just give me a moment to break through my own complex mental barriers, not that my mind is particularly complex,” said Richard Ayoade, sounding both important and self-deprecating. “The barriers are just complex in comparison to the rest of my mind.” Richard closed his eyes for a moment, and then opened them. “I remember everything,” he said. “I can’t believe Nathan Fillion granted a sarcastic wish!”
“Me neither,” said Noel, frowning. “I thought he would have detected sarcasm in a snap. I guess he isn’t the Mal we know from Firefly.”
“We can’t all be heroes, Noel.”
“Maybe he can’t,” said Noel, ignoring the fact that Nathan Fillion was an actor and also that he granted Christmas wishes to children, “But I think I can. I’m going to find Nathan Fillion and get Christmas back!”
“I think that will prove difficult,” said Richard Ayoade.
“Why?” asked Noel.
“Because he’s gone to an alternate dimension, where Christmas doesn’t exist, and brought it to them. We’ve sort of become the other dimension, while they have become us. In order to get Christmas back, we have to deprive a while universe of Christmas. Do you really want to be responsible for that?” Richard Ayoade was in full hero mode.
“I could care less about an alternate dimension,” laughed Noel. “I’m in this for me. And our dimension.”
“Good,” said Richard Ayoade, and began to walk towards the bus stop.
“Where are we going?” asked Noel, confused.
“To find the only person who can move easily between dimensions,” said Richard Ayoade.
In Toronto, Sharmie and Leah were arm and arm, walking past Nathan Phillips Square. It was pretty in wintertime, with people skating back and forth in the rink. It was a beautiful day.
“Sharmie!” said a voice, and then Sharmie received a hug from a mysterious person. Once the person pulled away Sharmie realized it was her friend Sam, who was awesome. And adorable. And awesome.
“Sammy!” said Sharmie, hugging her again. “Oh man, I can’t believe I haven’t seen you yet this holiday!”
“I know,” said Sam. “I blame you.” Leah sort of stood beside them, smiling faintly, until she decided Sharmie was useless for introductions.
“I’m Leah,” said Leah. She was Leah.
“Nice to meet you!” said Sam. She gave Leah a hug. They were both infectiously cheerful.
“Where are you headed?” asked Sharmie as the three girls stood in the snow.
“I’m going to visit Shaggy,” said Sam. “I haven’t seen him in like a week.”
“I trump you,” said Sharmie. “I haven’t seen him in months.”
“Too bad,” said Sam. “You guys should come!”
“Do you mind?” Sharmie asked Leah.
“It’s not far, is it?”
“It’s literally two blocks that way,” said Sharmie, pointing like Matt Berry.
“‘Kay,” said Leah. And so they set off.
Sharmie was so distracted, however, by her two friends, that she completely bumped into someone and fell backwards into the snow.
“Well, it’s not unusual for women to throw themselves at my feet,” said Russell Brand. Leah’s eyes bulged, and then she ran away. Down the street. Turned the corner. Never returned.
John Barrowman had been hiding in Guelph for three weeks because a stalker had been following him, trying to get him to sing constantly. Not only was it a stalker, but it was a girl, and that just wasn’t as much fun. He and Richard Ayoade had met in a pub in England once, and so had contacted him when he was safely hidden in Guelph. Sliding into an alternate dimension couldn’t help him with his stalker problem because for some reason it was the only thing that was constant everywhere. He’d managed to slide into one, the current one, where he was only famous for music, and not for his work on the show Torchwood. What the hell is Torchwood? Buggered if I know. I’m just the narrator.
Richard Ayoade led Noel up to John’s hotel room.
“It is well posh in here,” said Noel excitedly. “What’s this Barrowman guy like? I mean, I’ve heard his music, but what’s he like?”
“Quite nice,” said Richard Ayoade, turning down the hallway. “Kind of... energetic, I guess. A little scottish. Also gay.”
“Genius,” replied Noel. “I should get him to talk fashion with me!”
“We’re not here for fashion, Noel. We’re here to bring back Christmas. Perhaps afterwards we can ask him about fashion.”
“Berk,” muttered Noel.
“I heard that,” said Richard, and knocked on John Barrowman’s door.
Russell and Sam helped Sharmie to her feet.
“You alright, love?” asked Russell, brushing the snow off Sharmie’s back in a surprisingly chaste manner.
“I’m okay,” said Sharmie, still kind of dazed by his presence. Sam shook her a little, and she remembered that Sam and Russell had never met.
“Uhm, Sam, this is Russell Brand. He’s from england. We go to Guelph together...”
“‘Ello darlin’,” said Russell, leering a little.
“Hi,” said Sam. “Where did your friend just go, Sharmie?” Sharmie stared down the street where Leah had run off.
“I... don’t know...” said Sharmie.
“It’s a bit surprising to run into people and have one of them run off, like we’re facing the apocalypse or something. I’m perplexed as to why I strike terror into her.”
“Maybe it’s the groping,” said Sharmie, but Russell didn’t notice.
“Listen,” he told her, “I’ve got to head off right now, I’m a quite busy bloke which I’m sure is a surprise to you, but I’ve got much to do but I’d love it if you and Leah and perhaps your incredibly beautiful friend here would come to this gig I’m heading to tomorrow night. It’s the beginning of a new musical movement, a sort of post-modern take on music as a constructed medium. It’s really self-referential and deconstructive and quite cheeky, and I think you met the musicians before... Actually we all went to one of their gigs before, do you remember? They’re quite funny. I’m not sure if you want to but I will not take no for an answer. I’ve got your number, I’ll ring you tomorrow sometime, don’t forget to bring your friends!” And then, as quickly as he had arrived, he was gone.
“Odd,” said Sam.
“That he is,” said Sharmie. Then, as she and Sam walked to meet their friend, she called Leah.
“UMMM, where are you?” asked Sharmie.
“Home,” replied Leah.
“What? How? You’ve been gone like five minutes!”
“I ran quickly,” said Leah.
“You must have broken the sound barrier to have gotten all the way home that fast!” said Sharmie, confused. “Or like, defied laws of time and space.” Leah made a non-committal noise through the phone that Sharmie assumed was accompanied by a shrug. “In any case, we’re going out tomorrow night.”
“Alright,” said Leah.
“See you then,” said Sharmie.
“Bye,” said Leah. Sharmie conveniently forgot to mention that Russell would be at this outing. Oops.
The hotel door swung open.
“Richard!” said John Barrowman, giving him a big hug. “Nice to see you!”
“Likewise,” said Richard Ayoade. “John, this is Noel Fielding.”
“Alright,” said Noel.
“Aren’t you sweet,” smiled John Barrowman. Noel wasn’t really sure how to respond, so he didn’t. John led them into the posh living area of the hotel suite and gestured for them to take a seat.
“Anything to drink?” he asked politely.
“No, thanks,” said Richard Ayoade. “We’ve got dire circumstances. We’ve come to you for help, due to your...unique talent.”
“I see,” said John Barrowman, sitting across from them. “What can I do you for?”
“Christmas is gone and we need to get it back!” blurted Noel.
“What’s Christmas?” said John Barrowman and Richard Ayoade at the same time. Then Richard Ayoade quickly added, “Oh, wait, I remember now. Christmas. Momentary memory glitch...”
“Oh, right,” said Noel. “You won’t know. But around this time of year there’s this genius holiday called Christmas. We celebrate the ascension of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and get presents from a fat man in a red suit and wicked black boots, and also from everyone you know, just for being you, regardless if you give them anything. Then everyone gorges themselves on turkey and other food, and spends way too much money, and ends up so full they’re nearly sick. That’s Christmas.”
“Sounds awful,” said John Barrowman. “I actually think I might know what you’re talking about, though. Just let me check...” And then John Barrowman sort of slid out of focus. And then came back.
“Oh hi,” he said. “Just a second.” And then went blurry and clear again twice more.
“Hmm. Yes. Christmas.”
“Well,” said Richard Ayoade, “It went missing because actor Nathan Fillion took Simon’s sarcastic wish to be a real wish, and now he’s brought Christmas to a universe that didn’t have it before. We have to get him to come back with us, and bring Christmas back here.”
“Well,” said John Barrowman uncertainly. “I really hate taking people into alternate universes with me. They always screw things up, if you know what I’m talking about. But since things have already been really fucked up, I guess I’ll help you out.”
“Thanks!” said Noel. “I was beginning to think I’d never get my presents.”
“Yeah, that’s the true meaning of Christmas,” said John Barrowman. Noel wasn’t so good with sarcasm right then either.
“Wait, are we here to see The Flight of the Conchords?” asked Leah.
“Oh, yeah, I guess so,” Sharmie said, peering at the sign. It said ‘Tonight: The Flight of the Conchords’. Now more excited for this event, the two girls slipped into the bar. It was called Sweaty Betty’s, which made Leah sort of skeptical for a moment. And then a bit creeped out when she saw Russell Brand at the bar. Lucky for Sharmie, the shock was less this time and Leah only looked like she wanted to run away. Sharmie dragged Leah forwards, murmuring, “If I have to suffer, you do too,” and then tapping Russell Brand on the shoulder. He turned.
“Sharmie! Leah! It’s wonderful to see you! Where’s your sexy friend?”
“She, uhhh, had to swing dance on the moon,” said Sharmie.
“Too bad,” said Russell. “Bring her by next time, if you would be so kind.” In order to ignore Russell, Sharmie decided to order drinks for her and Leah.
“Leah, what do you want to drink?”
“I don’t know,” shrugged Leah.
“I can’t order that for you,” said Sharmie. “What do you want?”
“Anything is fine.”
“No, seriously Leah, choose something.”
“Alright, fine. Beer.”
“What kind of beer?” said Sharmie, exasperated.
“I don’t fucking know!” replied Leah. Sharmie wandered to the bar. She returned with Heineken for Leah and a rum and coke for herself. They sat at the table where Russell was talking to some girl, and kind of half-listened to the filler band who were on before Flight of the Conchords. A guy came up to the table and grinned at Leah.
“Hello,” he said, his voice smooth and calm. “I love your hair. Might I ask your name? Mine is Johnny.”
“Uh, Leah,” said Leah. And yes, she was still Leah.
“Leah,” he repeated. “That’s pretty.”
“Um, thanks?” said Leah.
“She’s got a boyfriend,” said Sharmie, who hadn’t eaten all day and had already finished her rum and coke.
“Oh,” said Johnny, looking a bit crestfallen. “Well, here’s my number if you ever want to get together.” He handed her his card and walked away.
“You totally just cockblocked me,” said Leah.
“LOL,” laughed Sharmie. “You said cock!” Russell put another rum and coke in front of her. Just then, Bret and Jermaine were introduced. They all clapped, and Sharmie waved. Bret gave a little wave back, recognizing her after only a few seconds of confusion.
“Hi,” said Jemaine. “We’re Flight of the Conchords. I’m Jemaine and this is Bret. Say hi, Bret.”
“Hi,” said Bret.
“We’re not exactly sure how we landed this gig, but we wanted to say thanks to you all for coming.”
“Even though we know you’re not here for us,” added Bret.
“Yes. We appreciate the support regardless.”
“And uh, we hear that it’s someone’s birthday out there tonight,” said Bret.
“Oh, right,” said Jemaine. “Happy birthday, whoever you are. I was going to give you Bret, but it turns out I already gave him to my Mum.”
“Sorry,” added Bret.
Richard Ayoade, John Barrowman and Noel went through about six alternate dimensions until they found the right Nathan Fillion. After that it was surprisingly easy to convince him to come back. All he required was a hug from John Barrowman, who was apparently his favourite singer ever. And then they all went back to their proper universe, except John Barrowman who shouldn’t have been where he was in the first place. He only got to do it cause he’s John Barrowman. Pffft.
After their set, Bret and Jemaine came over to say hi to Russell, Leah and Sharmie.
“Hi guys,” said Leah.
“Wonderful music. It tastes like rainbows and smells like unicorn blood,” said Sharmie.
“Thanks....?” said Bret. He was confused, as are we all.
“We should really hang out more often,” said Russell to the band. “You seem like really interesting people.”
“We’re not, really,” said Bret.
“He’s right,” said Jemaine. “We’re really average in New Zealand.”
“But this isn’t New Zealand,” grinned Russell.
“Yeah,” added Sharmie. “This is Canada. Everything’s cool to us.”
“True fact,” sighed Leah.
And so it was decided that Bret and Jemaine would find time to hang out with the roommates more in second semester, and Leah, Russell and Sharmie promised to go to more of their gigs. And so the night went off without a hitch, or Russell groping them. Okay, he only did it once or twice. He is still Russell, after all.
“I saved Christmas!” cried Noel as he entered Julian Barratt’s house.
“Was it in particular danger?” asked Julian.
“Grave danger,” said Noel seriously. “And I met John Barrowman. He is well heroic.”
“Now I know you’re making this up,” said Julian.
“No, really!” said Noel, whipping out his John Barrowman CD. “He signed this CD for me!”
“And you didn’t get me one? You really are the worst friend,” said Julian sulkily.
“I’m actually the best,” said Noel. “Now introducing, John Barrowman!” John then entered the room and sang Julian and Noel their own private concert. Because he’s awesome. At the end of the set, John Barrowman smiled at the two of them.
“Now you’ve learned the true meaning of Christmas,” he told them. “It’s not about presents or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It’s about music and alternate dimensions.”
They were quite sure it wasn’t, but they didn’t want to dispute him.
THE END.
post script: Reading this story made me so happy. Because HOW RIDICULOUS IS THIS?! It's just crazy. I love it.
Author: Sharmie
Rating: PG-13, for Russell.
Summary: This is the Christmas Special. It continues RIGHT AFTER the last one. Simon is a cranky, sarcastic thing, lovely people are very stupid, and Leah and I have adventures in Toronto.
Notes: Bad things always happen in the holiday season. Also, no, I won't rename it to the title Leah thinks is alternate. :p
The four roommates were confused as to what they were supposed to do. Leah had called Housing Services and they had taken absolutely no responsibility for the lack of housing. Neither had they cared about loss of several wonderful pieces of furniture, most important being Noel’s clock arm chair, and Patrick Fish’s tank. Patrick Fish had been scooped out in haste, and was huddled in a tupperware container with holes stabbed in the lid. The sword sent to them through the portal by Stephen Fry was tucked into Leah’s duffel bag. She would probably use it to fend of rapists.
The parents of the three girls were coming to pick them up, some a lot sooner than others, but Paisley had persuaded her parents to come pick up her stuff and then go home and come back to do her bidding later on, so that she could help figure out what they were going to do with Noel, whose home was in the UK.
They were all freezing, standing out on the lawn in various states of undress and boots. Well, the undress was really more t-shirt and pajama pants in Sharmie’s case, and no jackets for any of them, since in their haste they had tossed them in their suitcases and bags. Julian and Simon were clutching theirs, sort of forgetting that they might want to be warm since it was snowing.
“I guess we should find our jackets?” suggested Leah, rummaging through the larger of her bags until she retrieved a large and bright yellow trenchcoat.
“That’s completely inappropriate for the weather,” Julian pointed out, quite obviously.
“So is holding your jacket instead of wearing it,” replied Leah, bundling herself in the bright garment.
“So where is Noel going to live while we find a new house?” said Sharmie, staring at the point where the house once was.
“I don’t know,” said Leah. “Somewhere that he can move in to, like, right now.”
“With all his stuff,” added Paisley.
“Stop talking about me like I’m not here!” said Noel.
“Also, I’ve got a solution to this problem,” added Julian, plucking at the one glove he had managed to find in his pocket.
“What kind of solution?” asked Sharmie.
“Does it involve an orgy?” asked Paisley, but this was only in her mind.
“I guess he could stay with me,” said Julian, sort of grinning at Noel. “We could be roommates, at least until you find a new place with the girls.”
“Or permanently!” said Noel.
“I’m going to have to decline on that, Noel,” said Julian. “I need my privacy, and with you around I know I’m not getting any of that.”
“I’m cold,” said Simon, whose cheeks, nose and ears were quite red, while the rest of his face was very white.
“He’s tiny, so he’s freezing first,” said Sharmie as she shrugged her coat on.
“Let’s go to The Pit,” said Leah considering getting some chips if she could find her wallet.
“And leave all our stuff sitting on the lawn?” asked Paisley skeptically. She was skeptical.
“Dude, our house just imploded,” said Leah, gesturing emphatically at the absence of a townhouse. “I don’t think anyone’s going to walk by and go ‘Hey, let’s steal the stuff sitting in front of the house that used to be here’ so much as they will go ‘HALF A BUILDING IS MISSING HERE’.”
“True fact,” replied Paisley.
“Let’s get warm then,” said Sharmie cheerfully. She was full of cheer.
They traipsed off together to get food related items.
In the LA Cafe, Paisley, Leah, Sharmie, Noel, Julian and Simon sat on one of the couches, all squished together and stealing each other’s body heat and french fries.
“We should look at listings, like, tomorrow,” said Leah.
“Yeah, see if we can actually find somewhere to live next semester,” said Sharmie.
“I’d be fine,” said Paisley, drinking her chai tea. Leah, Noel and Sharmie glared at her. “Okay, fine,” she said hastily. “That wouldn’t be good for you guys.” She rolled her eyes as she looked away, but they all saw her anyways.
“Oh,” said Leah, and stared sort of at the ceiling while everyone stared at her expectantly. “It’s like.. Carol of the Bells, but raped with techno and fail.” They stared at her some more. “What?” she said.
“I was expecting conversation, personally,” said Julian.
“Typical,” scoffed Simon.
“What?” said Julian.
“Not you,” Simon grumbled. “The university. I mean, could we PRETEND other religions exist, please? I mean, it’s not like the Jewish exist or anything. Apparently Hanukkah doesn’t exist, therefore anyone who doesn’t accept Jesus Christ as their savior deserves to be phased out of existence!”
“Ouch,” said Paisley. “Bitter much?”
“Bitter!” squeaked Simon, rather adorably. He was quite adorable when he was angry. So much so that no one else could really be very upset, though they understood why he was... sort of... okay not really. “I’m only bitter because even in this supposedly diverse country, we’re battered over the head with Christmas time OVER and OVER again. I mean, look over there--christmas tree! And over there--animatronic Santa Claus! And over there--”
“We get it,” interrupted Sharmie, smiling at him to show she was on his side. Which she was. Because she had a Ph.d in cheer. “You don’t have a Ph.d,” Julian pointed out.
“I will if I pass all my classes,” retorted Sharmie.
“Anyways,” said Leah pointedly. “My parents will be here in like ten minutes. So maybe we should go back to our lawn?”
“Oh,” said Paisley, looking at her phone. “Mine have been there for fifteen minutes, waiting for me.”
So they walked back. Leah and Sharmie were picked up to return to Toronto for the holidays, and also until they find a new house. Paisley’s stuff was taken to her house, and her parents promised to pick her up from south while she, Julian and Noel walked Simon back to his residence in the snowy night.
“Will I see you guys over the holidays?” asked Paisley as they stood awkwardly outside Simon’s room.
“I guess so,” said Simon. “It’s not like I’ve made any other friends yet.”
“We’ll be around, right Ju?” added Noel. Julian nodded in response.
“Wonderful,” said Paisley. “We can have lots of sex at your place, Julian,” she added, but she imagined this entirely.
“Bye Simon,” said Noel, giving him a hug.
“Bye,” said Simon. “See you later.” Paisley, Julian and Noel stood there. “You can go now,” Simon added, his door very slightly ajar. “No, really. I feel uncomfortable shutting the door in your faces, but I’ll do it.” They stared at him, still smiling. He closed the door. They left.
“Want to come Downtown?” asked Sharmie. She and Leah were on the phone and bored out of their minds. They were playing the Sims at the same time, so their conversation was really fragmented.
“Alright,” said Leah, trying to kill off the parents of one of her favourite sims.
“Are you responding to the question, or are you responding because I’ve said something that you didn’t hear and so you figure saying ‘Alright’ covers all your bases?”
“Bit of both,” said Leah.
“So a yes, then?”
“Yes.”
They decided to meet at Yonge in an hour and a half and they would decide what they were doing from there. It would probably be wandering around the Eaton Centre, but they liked to keep their options open.
“Thanks for organizing this,” said Paisley to Noel. They were all sitting around at a couple of tables in this interesting 50s themed diner, which for some reason, was also full of christmas decorations that clashed horribly with everything.
Noel had decided that everyone still in Guelph for the holidays should be together for at least one day, and so he had invited Julian, Paisley, Simon, Matt Berry and Richard Ayoade to dinner. In a diner.
“Paisley, sit at the head of the table,” directed Noel, frowning slightly.
“Why?” she said.
“Because I said so,” he said. It was because he didn’t want her creeping anyone. He ignored her further inquires and pointed everyone else to where he wanted them to sit. Because he was controlling like that.
They all sat together and started chatting.
“The problem with the traditional metals for sword making is that they get dull too quickly,” said Richard Ayoade, talking Matt Berry. “When you’re locked in a three-day fight to the death, you really need a sword to stand the test of time.”
“I once fought a llama with my bare hands,” replied Matt Berry.
“That’s... interesting...” said Richard Ayoade, “If somewhat off-topic.”
“I want to absorb your emotions,” Paisley told Julian Barratt. He looked warily at her as her smile became more and more creepy, until he leaned over to Noel.
“I don’t like the look in her eye,” he said.
“Don’t be such a berk,” Noel said. “She’s just being herself.”
“Herself scares me,” said Julian. Noel ignored him. Mostly it was because their waiter had arrived.
“What the fuck do you shitty fucknuts want from this craptastic fuck-menu?” asked Rich Fulcher.
“Everything!” cried Noel happily.
“We don’t serve that shit,” said Rich Fulcher.
“A burger and fries,” said Simon.
“Fish and Chips,” said Richard Ayoade.
“Steak,” said Matt Berry. “Medium Rare. And Whiskeeeeyyyy!”
“We don’t serve that shit by itself, man,” said Rich Fulcher. “What do you want with your whiskey?”
“More whiskeeeyyyyy,” said Matt Berry.
“Breakfast number one, thanks,” said Noel.
“Cheeseburger and fries for me,” added Julian Barratt, once he got a word in edgewise.
“Human Flesh,” said Paisley, but this was only in her mind. In reality, she asked for some pie. Because who doesn’t like pie?
“Alright, I’ll be back eventually with your food,” said Rich Fulcher. “Oh yeah, and Merry fucking Christmas.”
“Excuse me?” said Simon incredulously.
“I said Merry Christmas,” said Rich Fulcher, before walking away.
“Thank you. Thanks for reminding me that Christianity is the only important religion out there, good sir.” He glared angrily at the garish holly-patterned glasses.
“Christmas isn’t the only religion out there,” said a voice, obviously missing Simon’s sarcasm.
“Holy shit, it’s Nathan Fillion!” said Paisley excitedly.
“That I am,” said Nathan Fillion.
“What are you doing here?” Good question. It was a 50s style diner in Guelph. Nathan Fillion was a fairly famous actor. Also it was the holidays. So why was he there? I’m not sure. Let’s go back to the story and find out.
“I’m here to grant a Christmas wish,” Nathan Fillion told them. “Once a year I visit a small town and grant one child a wish for Christmas. And today, one of you will get to make the wish.”
“I’m not a child,” Julian pointed out.
“Me neither,” added Noel.
“You’re right,” said Nathan Fillion. “I guess the wish goes to the youngest person in this group.” The group all looked at Simon.
“This is ridiculous,” he muttered, his mood growing worse with every passing moment.
“What would you like for your Christmas wish?” asked Nathan Fillion, leaning down towards Simon as if he were a child.
“Sorry, ‘Christmas Wish’?” said Simon, staring at the well-built actor in disbelief. “Why would you give a Christmas wish to a little Jewish boy? He might say something like, oh I don’t know, ‘I wish Christmas didn’t exist!’ ” Nathan Fillion had failed sarcasm in school, and thus took this to be Simon’s wish. And granted it.
“Wait, no!” cried Noel, as all the symbols of Christmas time faded out of existence except for the Santa Claus cookie he was holding. Richard Ayoade was also holding a Christmas tree cookie, wondering faintly why it had eyes, and if he should destroy it, just in case. With his mouth. He decided to let it live for a while.
Christmas-related memories dribbled out of everyone’s brains, and sort of swirled together in a red, green and silvery mass of memory gas. Then they all flew inside Nathan Fillion, along with similar memories from everyone in the world. And then Nathan Fillion disappeared, waving a confused and slightly sad goodbye.
“Shit,” said Matt Berry. “I was going to ask for his autograph!”
“Hi!” Said Leah cheerfully as Sharmie rushed up the stairs at Yonge and Bloor.
“Sorry I’m late,” said Sharmie, panting a little. “I have the worst luck when it comes to meeting my friends and being on time.”
“That’s okay,” said Leah. “So where do you want to go?”
The two of them deliberated for a while, but this only led to them standing outside, sort of trying to make a decision.
“I’ve got an idea,” said Leah. “Walking is warmer than just standing here. So let’s walk to Queen street?”
“Alright,” said Sharmie. “We can look for cool T-Shirts and maybe I can find presents for you guys.”
“Presents?” said Leah hopefully.
“Yup,” replied Sharmie. “But you won’t get yours till after the break.”
The two girls energetically bounded across the street, ignoring the slush and enjoying the snow. And then they knocked over an old man, completely by accident. So they had to help him upright again, and help him across the road. Then they had to wait for the next light. This is why you should watch where you’re going when you cross the street.
Since they had all forgotten about the reason they were gathered in the diner (except Noel, who had been drinking eggnog), they left. Noel tried to get them to stay together for the spirit of the season, but since none of them knew which season that was, they had no inclination to stay together for it. Most of them weren’t even hungry.
“Don’t you remember Christmas?” asked Noel. “Shiny things on trees and an overall color-scheme? Eggnog and Candy Canes? Christmas Pudding? Mince Pies?”
“I like Mince Pies,” said Julian Barratt, but nothing else helpful or interesting.
“I think I remember,” said Richard Ayoade, regarding the cookie in his hand with some suspicion. “I think this cookie is the only evidence I have that my mind has been altered. Luckily I’m skilled in breaking through mental barriers, especially in my own mind.” At this point Julian Barratt and Matt Berry had started their walk downtown, while Simon caught the bus to his house. Paisley was waiting for her parents to pick her up.
“Just give me a moment to break through my own complex mental barriers, not that my mind is particularly complex,” said Richard Ayoade, sounding both important and self-deprecating. “The barriers are just complex in comparison to the rest of my mind.” Richard closed his eyes for a moment, and then opened them. “I remember everything,” he said. “I can’t believe Nathan Fillion granted a sarcastic wish!”
“Me neither,” said Noel, frowning. “I thought he would have detected sarcasm in a snap. I guess he isn’t the Mal we know from Firefly.”
“We can’t all be heroes, Noel.”
“Maybe he can’t,” said Noel, ignoring the fact that Nathan Fillion was an actor and also that he granted Christmas wishes to children, “But I think I can. I’m going to find Nathan Fillion and get Christmas back!”
“I think that will prove difficult,” said Richard Ayoade.
“Why?” asked Noel.
“Because he’s gone to an alternate dimension, where Christmas doesn’t exist, and brought it to them. We’ve sort of become the other dimension, while they have become us. In order to get Christmas back, we have to deprive a while universe of Christmas. Do you really want to be responsible for that?” Richard Ayoade was in full hero mode.
“I could care less about an alternate dimension,” laughed Noel. “I’m in this for me. And our dimension.”
“Good,” said Richard Ayoade, and began to walk towards the bus stop.
“Where are we going?” asked Noel, confused.
“To find the only person who can move easily between dimensions,” said Richard Ayoade.
In Toronto, Sharmie and Leah were arm and arm, walking past Nathan Phillips Square. It was pretty in wintertime, with people skating back and forth in the rink. It was a beautiful day.
“Sharmie!” said a voice, and then Sharmie received a hug from a mysterious person. Once the person pulled away Sharmie realized it was her friend Sam, who was awesome. And adorable. And awesome.
“Sammy!” said Sharmie, hugging her again. “Oh man, I can’t believe I haven’t seen you yet this holiday!”
“I know,” said Sam. “I blame you.” Leah sort of stood beside them, smiling faintly, until she decided Sharmie was useless for introductions.
“I’m Leah,” said Leah. She was Leah.
“Nice to meet you!” said Sam. She gave Leah a hug. They were both infectiously cheerful.
“Where are you headed?” asked Sharmie as the three girls stood in the snow.
“I’m going to visit Shaggy,” said Sam. “I haven’t seen him in like a week.”
“I trump you,” said Sharmie. “I haven’t seen him in months.”
“Too bad,” said Sam. “You guys should come!”
“Do you mind?” Sharmie asked Leah.
“It’s not far, is it?”
“It’s literally two blocks that way,” said Sharmie, pointing like Matt Berry.
“‘Kay,” said Leah. And so they set off.
Sharmie was so distracted, however, by her two friends, that she completely bumped into someone and fell backwards into the snow.
“Well, it’s not unusual for women to throw themselves at my feet,” said Russell Brand. Leah’s eyes bulged, and then she ran away. Down the street. Turned the corner. Never returned.
John Barrowman had been hiding in Guelph for three weeks because a stalker had been following him, trying to get him to sing constantly. Not only was it a stalker, but it was a girl, and that just wasn’t as much fun. He and Richard Ayoade had met in a pub in England once, and so had contacted him when he was safely hidden in Guelph. Sliding into an alternate dimension couldn’t help him with his stalker problem because for some reason it was the only thing that was constant everywhere. He’d managed to slide into one, the current one, where he was only famous for music, and not for his work on the show Torchwood. What the hell is Torchwood? Buggered if I know. I’m just the narrator.
Richard Ayoade led Noel up to John’s hotel room.
“It is well posh in here,” said Noel excitedly. “What’s this Barrowman guy like? I mean, I’ve heard his music, but what’s he like?”
“Quite nice,” said Richard Ayoade, turning down the hallway. “Kind of... energetic, I guess. A little scottish. Also gay.”
“Genius,” replied Noel. “I should get him to talk fashion with me!”
“We’re not here for fashion, Noel. We’re here to bring back Christmas. Perhaps afterwards we can ask him about fashion.”
“Berk,” muttered Noel.
“I heard that,” said Richard, and knocked on John Barrowman’s door.
Russell and Sam helped Sharmie to her feet.
“You alright, love?” asked Russell, brushing the snow off Sharmie’s back in a surprisingly chaste manner.
“I’m okay,” said Sharmie, still kind of dazed by his presence. Sam shook her a little, and she remembered that Sam and Russell had never met.
“Uhm, Sam, this is Russell Brand. He’s from england. We go to Guelph together...”
“‘Ello darlin’,” said Russell, leering a little.
“Hi,” said Sam. “Where did your friend just go, Sharmie?” Sharmie stared down the street where Leah had run off.
“I... don’t know...” said Sharmie.
“It’s a bit surprising to run into people and have one of them run off, like we’re facing the apocalypse or something. I’m perplexed as to why I strike terror into her.”
“Maybe it’s the groping,” said Sharmie, but Russell didn’t notice.
“Listen,” he told her, “I’ve got to head off right now, I’m a quite busy bloke which I’m sure is a surprise to you, but I’ve got much to do but I’d love it if you and Leah and perhaps your incredibly beautiful friend here would come to this gig I’m heading to tomorrow night. It’s the beginning of a new musical movement, a sort of post-modern take on music as a constructed medium. It’s really self-referential and deconstructive and quite cheeky, and I think you met the musicians before... Actually we all went to one of their gigs before, do you remember? They’re quite funny. I’m not sure if you want to but I will not take no for an answer. I’ve got your number, I’ll ring you tomorrow sometime, don’t forget to bring your friends!” And then, as quickly as he had arrived, he was gone.
“Odd,” said Sam.
“That he is,” said Sharmie. Then, as she and Sam walked to meet their friend, she called Leah.
“UMMM, where are you?” asked Sharmie.
“Home,” replied Leah.
“What? How? You’ve been gone like five minutes!”
“I ran quickly,” said Leah.
“You must have broken the sound barrier to have gotten all the way home that fast!” said Sharmie, confused. “Or like, defied laws of time and space.” Leah made a non-committal noise through the phone that Sharmie assumed was accompanied by a shrug. “In any case, we’re going out tomorrow night.”
“Alright,” said Leah.
“See you then,” said Sharmie.
“Bye,” said Leah. Sharmie conveniently forgot to mention that Russell would be at this outing. Oops.
The hotel door swung open.
“Richard!” said John Barrowman, giving him a big hug. “Nice to see you!”
“Likewise,” said Richard Ayoade. “John, this is Noel Fielding.”
“Alright,” said Noel.
“Aren’t you sweet,” smiled John Barrowman. Noel wasn’t really sure how to respond, so he didn’t. John led them into the posh living area of the hotel suite and gestured for them to take a seat.
“Anything to drink?” he asked politely.
“No, thanks,” said Richard Ayoade. “We’ve got dire circumstances. We’ve come to you for help, due to your...unique talent.”
“I see,” said John Barrowman, sitting across from them. “What can I do you for?”
“Christmas is gone and we need to get it back!” blurted Noel.
“What’s Christmas?” said John Barrowman and Richard Ayoade at the same time. Then Richard Ayoade quickly added, “Oh, wait, I remember now. Christmas. Momentary memory glitch...”
“Oh, right,” said Noel. “You won’t know. But around this time of year there’s this genius holiday called Christmas. We celebrate the ascension of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and get presents from a fat man in a red suit and wicked black boots, and also from everyone you know, just for being you, regardless if you give them anything. Then everyone gorges themselves on turkey and other food, and spends way too much money, and ends up so full they’re nearly sick. That’s Christmas.”
“Sounds awful,” said John Barrowman. “I actually think I might know what you’re talking about, though. Just let me check...” And then John Barrowman sort of slid out of focus. And then came back.
“Oh hi,” he said. “Just a second.” And then went blurry and clear again twice more.
“Hmm. Yes. Christmas.”
“Well,” said Richard Ayoade, “It went missing because actor Nathan Fillion took Simon’s sarcastic wish to be a real wish, and now he’s brought Christmas to a universe that didn’t have it before. We have to get him to come back with us, and bring Christmas back here.”
“Well,” said John Barrowman uncertainly. “I really hate taking people into alternate universes with me. They always screw things up, if you know what I’m talking about. But since things have already been really fucked up, I guess I’ll help you out.”
“Thanks!” said Noel. “I was beginning to think I’d never get my presents.”
“Yeah, that’s the true meaning of Christmas,” said John Barrowman. Noel wasn’t so good with sarcasm right then either.
“Wait, are we here to see The Flight of the Conchords?” asked Leah.
“Oh, yeah, I guess so,” Sharmie said, peering at the sign. It said ‘Tonight: The Flight of the Conchords’. Now more excited for this event, the two girls slipped into the bar. It was called Sweaty Betty’s, which made Leah sort of skeptical for a moment. And then a bit creeped out when she saw Russell Brand at the bar. Lucky for Sharmie, the shock was less this time and Leah only looked like she wanted to run away. Sharmie dragged Leah forwards, murmuring, “If I have to suffer, you do too,” and then tapping Russell Brand on the shoulder. He turned.
“Sharmie! Leah! It’s wonderful to see you! Where’s your sexy friend?”
“She, uhhh, had to swing dance on the moon,” said Sharmie.
“Too bad,” said Russell. “Bring her by next time, if you would be so kind.” In order to ignore Russell, Sharmie decided to order drinks for her and Leah.
“Leah, what do you want to drink?”
“I don’t know,” shrugged Leah.
“I can’t order that for you,” said Sharmie. “What do you want?”
“Anything is fine.”
“No, seriously Leah, choose something.”
“Alright, fine. Beer.”
“What kind of beer?” said Sharmie, exasperated.
“I don’t fucking know!” replied Leah. Sharmie wandered to the bar. She returned with Heineken for Leah and a rum and coke for herself. They sat at the table where Russell was talking to some girl, and kind of half-listened to the filler band who were on before Flight of the Conchords. A guy came up to the table and grinned at Leah.
“Hello,” he said, his voice smooth and calm. “I love your hair. Might I ask your name? Mine is Johnny.”
“Uh, Leah,” said Leah. And yes, she was still Leah.
“Leah,” he repeated. “That’s pretty.”
“Um, thanks?” said Leah.
“She’s got a boyfriend,” said Sharmie, who hadn’t eaten all day and had already finished her rum and coke.
“Oh,” said Johnny, looking a bit crestfallen. “Well, here’s my number if you ever want to get together.” He handed her his card and walked away.
“You totally just cockblocked me,” said Leah.
“LOL,” laughed Sharmie. “You said cock!” Russell put another rum and coke in front of her. Just then, Bret and Jermaine were introduced. They all clapped, and Sharmie waved. Bret gave a little wave back, recognizing her after only a few seconds of confusion.
“Hi,” said Jemaine. “We’re Flight of the Conchords. I’m Jemaine and this is Bret. Say hi, Bret.”
“Hi,” said Bret.
“We’re not exactly sure how we landed this gig, but we wanted to say thanks to you all for coming.”
“Even though we know you’re not here for us,” added Bret.
“Yes. We appreciate the support regardless.”
“And uh, we hear that it’s someone’s birthday out there tonight,” said Bret.
“Oh, right,” said Jemaine. “Happy birthday, whoever you are. I was going to give you Bret, but it turns out I already gave him to my Mum.”
“Sorry,” added Bret.
Richard Ayoade, John Barrowman and Noel went through about six alternate dimensions until they found the right Nathan Fillion. After that it was surprisingly easy to convince him to come back. All he required was a hug from John Barrowman, who was apparently his favourite singer ever. And then they all went back to their proper universe, except John Barrowman who shouldn’t have been where he was in the first place. He only got to do it cause he’s John Barrowman. Pffft.
After their set, Bret and Jemaine came over to say hi to Russell, Leah and Sharmie.
“Hi guys,” said Leah.
“Wonderful music. It tastes like rainbows and smells like unicorn blood,” said Sharmie.
“Thanks....?” said Bret. He was confused, as are we all.
“We should really hang out more often,” said Russell to the band. “You seem like really interesting people.”
“We’re not, really,” said Bret.
“He’s right,” said Jemaine. “We’re really average in New Zealand.”
“But this isn’t New Zealand,” grinned Russell.
“Yeah,” added Sharmie. “This is Canada. Everything’s cool to us.”
“True fact,” sighed Leah.
And so it was decided that Bret and Jemaine would find time to hang out with the roommates more in second semester, and Leah, Russell and Sharmie promised to go to more of their gigs. And so the night went off without a hitch, or Russell groping them. Okay, he only did it once or twice. He is still Russell, after all.
“I saved Christmas!” cried Noel as he entered Julian Barratt’s house.
“Was it in particular danger?” asked Julian.
“Grave danger,” said Noel seriously. “And I met John Barrowman. He is well heroic.”
“Now I know you’re making this up,” said Julian.
“No, really!” said Noel, whipping out his John Barrowman CD. “He signed this CD for me!”
“And you didn’t get me one? You really are the worst friend,” said Julian sulkily.
“I’m actually the best,” said Noel. “Now introducing, John Barrowman!” John then entered the room and sang Julian and Noel their own private concert. Because he’s awesome. At the end of the set, John Barrowman smiled at the two of them.
“Now you’ve learned the true meaning of Christmas,” he told them. “It’s not about presents or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It’s about music and alternate dimensions.”
They were quite sure it wasn’t, but they didn’t want to dispute him.
THE END.
post script: Reading this story made me so happy. Because HOW RIDICULOUS IS THIS?! It's just crazy. I love it.