I'm broken
So today at my friend's place I said hi to a toddler, and he was stepping on a remote control and was about to lose his balance so I held him upright, then he came to sit in my lap.
I was like :DDD and anticipated the warm fuzzies but THEY NEVER CAMELast week on Shiyagare Nino was talking about how, when he got hugged by a kid, he realised what he ( Read more... )
I was like :DDD and anticipated the warm fuzzies but THEY NEVER CAMELast week on Shiyagare Nino was talking about how, when he got hugged by a kid, he realised what he ( Read more... )
It's not a wordy mess. I love conversations, come right at me.
Believe me, I know there's nothing wrong with me. I'm very comfortable with my currently identity, i.e. I feel perfectly okay to be broken, and I use the term 'broken' because I spent most of my life wanting kids and after the miscarriage I just don't. want. kids. I don't think if I started out not wanting kids I'd use the term 'broken'. I wouldn't even say 'different'. That's just how a person is. I seriously understand this. I understand where you're coming from. And there's a bit of irony in this; if I didn't go through the miscarriage I wouldn't understand how it'd be like to not want kids, and we won't be having this conversation because I just might be the twit who goes "BUT WHY? DDD:" lol.
This is gonna get long, bear with me. Haha.
I happen to be married and Chinese and Christian to a fault, and that's seriously the worst combination for a woman who doesn't want kids lol. PLUS, I ACTUALLY LIVE IN ASIA, and sometimes it's like, just kill me, kill me now. Haha.
Thankfully, my husband is a unicorn/weirdo and whenever I ask him about whether we'll be okay never having kids, he just pouts and says: "Oh no, you don't want me?!"
I don't know why he thinks he's my child. I think he thinks we're each other's children and that's enough trouble we'll have for a lifetime. (Granted, I've put him through hell, but that's another story.)
But when we talk about it seriously, he's very explicit about being completely fine with not having kids. And having kids is our decision to make, it doesn't involve anyone else, so if my husband is cool with me not wanting kids and I'm cool with it, NO ONE ELSE'S OPINION MATTERS.
I know this. I know this. But when I see my dad, whom I love so, so much, liking pictures of his friends with their grandchildren on Facebook. He's not being passive aggressive haha he's just being him, delighting in the joy of others.
I'm an only child. My dad has this hope of having grandchildren someday, I know he does.
My dad's another unicorn. Back in 2014 when I got diagnosed with a condition called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (basically I live with pain caused by overly stretchy connective tissue) he actually told me how sorry he was for 'passing down all the bad genes' when they brought me into this world and I was like wtf dad lol but he was actually serious. He's really sensitive, and he very likely teared up when he sent me that text.
My dad is going to get it if I don't ever have kids. But he's a beautiful human being and I just know he'll be so crazy-happy if he had grandchildren. (My mum probably couldn't care less either way LOL she's another strange one. She's quite detached from Feelings. She's very careful about mentioning babies in front of me, though, no matter that I've told her I've managed to patch my heart up re: the miscarriage.)
My in-laws already have a grandchild (my husband's brother's kid) and they have their hands full with that one, they've never pressured us to have kids, plus they know about the one we miscarried, so.
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So I've told you about my entire family and it seems like they're very supportive, right? THEY ARE. But I can't help thinking of the bigger picture because I'm stupid like that, I took a personality test and I'm ENFJ, and I just want people to be happy. My dad, my mum, my friends.
People--especially these Asian Christians in my social circle, lol--can be really curious. But at the end of the day, while it's cool that we share the same faith and are all brothers and sisters in Christ and all that, I don't think that gives anyone a right to poke into someone else's business. The Bible never said a married couple must have children. And I don't think our motives for not having children are selfish or sinful, so.
So far I've only had one encounter that left me confused, but everyone else has been rather kind. That said, because I've been so public about my miscarriage, I think everyone just assumes 'Oh, Lydia's still hung up on that, she's an emotional mess', BUT I'M NOT. I just lack the desire, why is that so hard to understand. PEOPLE CAN BE SO THICK SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW?
You know. ;)
And yeeaaaaah!!! I like children well enough, but I'm not gifted with them! Babies, especially. I do think they're cute, but no, they usually not pretty, nuh-uh. The thing is, when you've been married seven years and have no kids and people see you playing with children and they know you had a miscarriage, you just know what they're thinking, especially when they give you that beatific smile lol you know which one I'm talking about. I don't hold it against them, but dammit, society's fools. HAHA. Okay that was unkind. (But still true duncha think?)
Hugs back. I really enjoy reading your thoughts.
Have a great weekend, love.
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