I'm broken
So today at my friend's place I said hi to a toddler, and he was stepping on a remote control and was about to lose his balance so I held him upright, then he came to sit in my lap.
I was like :DDD and anticipated the warm fuzzies but THEY NEVER CAME.
Last week on Shiyagare Nino was talking about how, when he got hugged by a kid, he realised what he'd been lacking as a human, it was like something had sparked inside him, etc.
Haha. I know how he feels, sort of.
I mean, I'm happy to have experienced that (the kid sitting in my lap). It was an enjoyable experience. But I expected to experience something more, something stronger. I actually feel disappointed in myself that I didn't.
A couple of days ago I posted about how my miscarriage affected me, how for a while I wasn't happy that I was existing. I also said how I'm actually mostly recovered now, except I don't desire kids anymore.
I think maybe the Mum part of me is broken.
And I don't know why but I feel so guilty that I'm okay with it.
I was like :DDD and anticipated the warm fuzzies but THEY NEVER CAME.
Last week on Shiyagare Nino was talking about how, when he got hugged by a kid, he realised what he'd been lacking as a human, it was like something had sparked inside him, etc.
Haha. I know how he feels, sort of.
I mean, I'm happy to have experienced that (the kid sitting in my lap). It was an enjoyable experience. But I expected to experience something more, something stronger. I actually feel disappointed in myself that I didn't.
A couple of days ago I posted about how my miscarriage affected me, how for a while I wasn't happy that I was existing. I also said how I'm actually mostly recovered now, except I don't desire kids anymore.
I think maybe the Mum part of me is broken.
And I don't know why but I feel so guilty that I'm okay with it.