o journallllll
(WARNING: I'm letting my mind wander for the duration of this post)
So...Dad and I were driving home from a crappy movie up here, and he got to talking about a few things. The first wasn't really relevant, trying to get me to like one of his friends by throwing excuses about her upbringing at me (to which I retorted: Why can't I use that excuse?). The second was him trying to convince me to start dating random girls instead of holding onto Emily like I have been for what, like 6 years? I feel like I'm the only human being in the world that really understands what we're doing, and I'm drawn to people that I believe have (or had) similar situations. Anyway.
Then he asked me what I was going to do with my life and where I was going to go. He said he asked me 2 years ago the same question, and I told him "Nobody who's 17 (how old I was the first time he asked 2 years ago) really knows what they're going to do with their lives, and a majority of college students statistically change their majors at least 3 times during their college time. Those people are older than me, and even they don't know what to do with their lives, so how should I?" And I talked about how I have no hope of understanding the science behind what he's doing now, and he said "That's why I have people behind me" and I told him "Well I don't." and he said "You will".
Overall the conversation ended with me feeling a lot more hopeless and empty than when the conversation started. The truth is I have no idea what I'm doing, or where I'm going, or why. I have people I want to meet (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) but other than that, my goals are simply financial. I saved enough money for a new PC, that was a goal. But that's it. I know I like writing, but I could never write for a career. And I don't know that want a career dealing with networking, PCs, or electronics, and even if I did I don't have all the knowledge I need. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life...I'm deathly afraid of counter jobs at this point, and being a fireman felt like it was meaningful. IT was suggested I could become an Emergency Medical Technician but...I dunno...
I'm filled with self doubt. Constantly, about everything, I have the lowest self confidence of anyone that I know. I want to say it's because of my childhood (Or lack thereof), but another part of me says NO EXCUSES, and that I can rise beyond those barriers that hold so many other people back. I want out of this life, I want more. I want to be with Emily, I want to go out and meet online friends that share so many interests with me, I want a career that means something. I feel so hopeless. I feel like it'll always be this way.
So...Dad and I were driving home from a crappy movie up here, and he got to talking about a few things. The first wasn't really relevant, trying to get me to like one of his friends by throwing excuses about her upbringing at me (to which I retorted: Why can't I use that excuse?). The second was him trying to convince me to start dating random girls instead of holding onto Emily like I have been for what, like 6 years? I feel like I'm the only human being in the world that really understands what we're doing, and I'm drawn to people that I believe have (or had) similar situations. Anyway.
Then he asked me what I was going to do with my life and where I was going to go. He said he asked me 2 years ago the same question, and I told him "Nobody who's 17 (how old I was the first time he asked 2 years ago) really knows what they're going to do with their lives, and a majority of college students statistically change their majors at least 3 times during their college time. Those people are older than me, and even they don't know what to do with their lives, so how should I?" And I talked about how I have no hope of understanding the science behind what he's doing now, and he said "That's why I have people behind me" and I told him "Well I don't." and he said "You will".
Overall the conversation ended with me feeling a lot more hopeless and empty than when the conversation started. The truth is I have no idea what I'm doing, or where I'm going, or why. I have people I want to meet (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) but other than that, my goals are simply financial. I saved enough money for a new PC, that was a goal. But that's it. I know I like writing, but I could never write for a career. And I don't know that want a career dealing with networking, PCs, or electronics, and even if I did I don't have all the knowledge I need. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life...I'm deathly afraid of counter jobs at this point, and being a fireman felt like it was meaningful. IT was suggested I could become an Emergency Medical Technician but...I dunno...
I'm filled with self doubt. Constantly, about everything, I have the lowest self confidence of anyone that I know. I want to say it's because of my childhood (Or lack thereof), but another part of me says NO EXCUSES, and that I can rise beyond those barriers that hold so many other people back. I want out of this life, I want more. I want to be with Emily, I want to go out and meet online friends that share so many interests with me, I want a career that means something. I feel so hopeless. I feel like it'll always be this way.