Death of an Old Self
My heart is broken. Crushed and torn asunder. My eyes well up, and I encourage the tears, but it doesn't happen. I rarely cry, I trained myself not to long ago. They're not tears of despair, or sadness. They are tears of pain, of rage. I'm so frustrated. I feel like I was lied to growing up. I was told, like we all were, to treat others as you wish to be treated, to share, to be kind, and generous, and not selfish. At some point everyone else figured out this was unrealistic, and it seems it took me far longer than them. Almost 25 years, in fact. 25 years of criticism, humiliation, shame, discrimination, being taken advantage of, being looked down upon, you name it. People don't respect me, they don't believe in me. Sure, those who are close care about me, and perhaps support me, but it's not the same. They think I'm passionless and directionless. Whether it's the roommates telling me this, or my ex who I unfortunately still have feelings for, or even my sister figure wanting to let me go ahead in Cranium because I can't figure out what my partner's drawings are supposed to be within a minute. No one believes in me. I am honestly the only person who believes that I can achieve what I want to, or that I can achieve anything.
Maybe they shouldn't be blamed. I haven't been following my passions. I've been living a lie. Right now I'm going to school for graphic design, but I don't want to do that for a living, I just like Photoshop. I hate the other class I've had to take so far. I haven't been standing up for myself, and I've been letting people take advantage of me. Whether they are close or not, the majority of them are selfish at heart, obvious or not. That's the way the world works. What is "fair" and "right" doesn't matter. I've always believed that if I am fair, others will be, too. That's not so. Not co-workers, not strangers, not even close friends during a game of Magic. I work hard to look out for others, to accommodate them and help them better themselves, often at my own expense, for little to no reciprocation. It doesn't work anymore. I can't live being so idealistic when it isn't realistic. This world has broken me, these selfish people and friends have broken me.
I'm going to drop the design class, since a project is due tomorrow that I haven't started yet. I took today to mull over whether or not to keep going, and I did everything possible to procrastinate so I wouldn't have to try. That means something, I can't deny it any longer. I know what my passions are, I need to have the balls to follow them, to believe in myself, to take the risk of failure for the chance of success. I'm going to shut off the world as much as I can for now. No more socializing and helping others out, or organizing Magic tournaments at the expense of my time and money, or simply being the glue that holds my group of friends together. No more excuses, no more distractions. I was born alone and I will die alone, so I'd best make myself as good as I can be. I will strengthen myself, and follow my passions. I won't allow others to force me below them in terms of respect, I will force them to respect me. I won't be the change I want to see in the world, I will be the change I do see in the world. Selfishness. Pride. Success. That's all that really matters, that's all that people care about. I can't stand being a failure any longer. I can't stand being unfairly judged. I didn't cry when my ex basically told me that being a kind, genuine, caring person isn't enough, and that she thought I was below her level and wouldn't catch up anytime soon, but it was like a thousand knives stabbing my heart. Not even someone that close believed in me, or was willing to help me improve or give me the benefit of the doubt. So why do I do it for others? Why do I worry about their finances when they blow their money? Why do I feel guilty for not calling my family when they could call me? Why am I afraid to stand up for myself? Why do my eyes try to tear up any time I get confrontational at all? Why am I not learning bass or working on my website? So many stupid questions that can be answered by actions.
It will take time, and it won't be easy, but then again, nothing worth having is. I turn 25 next month. Those 25 years have been in vain, all of it. The only redemption is that it had to happen so that I could still be living now, with a chance to make it right, and yet succeed at life. I have a right to be successful, and talented, respected, and happy. I have denied myself this right for a quarter century and so have others. Instead of cooling my feelings like I have in the past, I will learn to let myself feel. To let the spite, hatred, frustration and aggression lead me to success, instead of being passive and watching time and others go by. I will be true to myself, and live true to myself. No more living a lie, no more cognitive dissonance. It will be messy. I blew up on my roommates over the weekend, and they deserved it partially, but not fully. Others will suffer too, and some won't deserve it at all. It can't be helped. This is my life, and it's winding down far too quickly and far more painfully than it ought. I'm the only person who can fix that, I'm the only person who wants to fix that. So let's fix it.
Maybe they shouldn't be blamed. I haven't been following my passions. I've been living a lie. Right now I'm going to school for graphic design, but I don't want to do that for a living, I just like Photoshop. I hate the other class I've had to take so far. I haven't been standing up for myself, and I've been letting people take advantage of me. Whether they are close or not, the majority of them are selfish at heart, obvious or not. That's the way the world works. What is "fair" and "right" doesn't matter. I've always believed that if I am fair, others will be, too. That's not so. Not co-workers, not strangers, not even close friends during a game of Magic. I work hard to look out for others, to accommodate them and help them better themselves, often at my own expense, for little to no reciprocation. It doesn't work anymore. I can't live being so idealistic when it isn't realistic. This world has broken me, these selfish people and friends have broken me.
I'm going to drop the design class, since a project is due tomorrow that I haven't started yet. I took today to mull over whether or not to keep going, and I did everything possible to procrastinate so I wouldn't have to try. That means something, I can't deny it any longer. I know what my passions are, I need to have the balls to follow them, to believe in myself, to take the risk of failure for the chance of success. I'm going to shut off the world as much as I can for now. No more socializing and helping others out, or organizing Magic tournaments at the expense of my time and money, or simply being the glue that holds my group of friends together. No more excuses, no more distractions. I was born alone and I will die alone, so I'd best make myself as good as I can be. I will strengthen myself, and follow my passions. I won't allow others to force me below them in terms of respect, I will force them to respect me. I won't be the change I want to see in the world, I will be the change I do see in the world. Selfishness. Pride. Success. That's all that really matters, that's all that people care about. I can't stand being a failure any longer. I can't stand being unfairly judged. I didn't cry when my ex basically told me that being a kind, genuine, caring person isn't enough, and that she thought I was below her level and wouldn't catch up anytime soon, but it was like a thousand knives stabbing my heart. Not even someone that close believed in me, or was willing to help me improve or give me the benefit of the doubt. So why do I do it for others? Why do I worry about their finances when they blow their money? Why do I feel guilty for not calling my family when they could call me? Why am I afraid to stand up for myself? Why do my eyes try to tear up any time I get confrontational at all? Why am I not learning bass or working on my website? So many stupid questions that can be answered by actions.
It will take time, and it won't be easy, but then again, nothing worth having is. I turn 25 next month. Those 25 years have been in vain, all of it. The only redemption is that it had to happen so that I could still be living now, with a chance to make it right, and yet succeed at life. I have a right to be successful, and talented, respected, and happy. I have denied myself this right for a quarter century and so have others. Instead of cooling my feelings like I have in the past, I will learn to let myself feel. To let the spite, hatred, frustration and aggression lead me to success, instead of being passive and watching time and others go by. I will be true to myself, and live true to myself. No more living a lie, no more cognitive dissonance. It will be messy. I blew up on my roommates over the weekend, and they deserved it partially, but not fully. Others will suffer too, and some won't deserve it at all. It can't be helped. This is my life, and it's winding down far too quickly and far more painfully than it ought. I'm the only person who can fix that, I'm the only person who wants to fix that. So let's fix it.