Private Hell
I feel myself slipping. I'm losing touch of the strength I recently gained. I feel like I'm teetering over a chasm. It's a familiar place. A place I knew...about seven years ago. And six years ago. And three years ago. In different ways, I'm reminded of the wallowing of those times. Seeing my old TOD takes me back to seven years ago, when I began forming into the person I am now. I'm not sure why I was unhappy; there was never really a reason. I didn't suffer trauma as a child, and only had to deal with the death of a couple family members. I didn't know the ugly underbelly of life back then. Still, something changed. I felt alone and withdrawn.
Those formative years were spent emotionally on the internet. There was OD, TOD and LJ, and there was also a forum I went to. Those people ended up being the ones who stayed in touch longer, some of them still today. I was still in the emotional rut of the previous year. Eventually the forum got less active, and then the plug was pulled. I was invited to a facebook group for it, which I assumed was just to reminisce, but now it's coming back, as are all the old members. So there's sentimentality there.
I've been listening to the new Alice in Chains album...which is stupid, anyway. The music is great, but it's very depressing. I really started getting into them around three years ago, toward the tail end of working at Blimpie. I had been out of high school for a year, hadn't got out of my hometown, I was basically broke, perpetually alone, and felt like I didn't have control of my life.
Things are different now. It's the sentimentality that remains. I have problems now, but they're different problems. There are people, but they're different people. There's no reason to go back to that hell. Especially when I'm trying to seal off my feelings. I felt too much back then, I might write some lyrics because of these feelings, but it's really not worth it. It's hard enough staying positive as it is; I have no extra money between rent and tuition, I'm eternally single, I'm not where I want to be in life, and it's winter, which historically and realistically is always a depressing time.
Maybe there's a reason I'm back into this introspective hell. They say to get to heaven, you first have to go through hell. I guess I'm on my way.
Those formative years were spent emotionally on the internet. There was OD, TOD and LJ, and there was also a forum I went to. Those people ended up being the ones who stayed in touch longer, some of them still today. I was still in the emotional rut of the previous year. Eventually the forum got less active, and then the plug was pulled. I was invited to a facebook group for it, which I assumed was just to reminisce, but now it's coming back, as are all the old members. So there's sentimentality there.
I've been listening to the new Alice in Chains album...which is stupid, anyway. The music is great, but it's very depressing. I really started getting into them around three years ago, toward the tail end of working at Blimpie. I had been out of high school for a year, hadn't got out of my hometown, I was basically broke, perpetually alone, and felt like I didn't have control of my life.
Things are different now. It's the sentimentality that remains. I have problems now, but they're different problems. There are people, but they're different people. There's no reason to go back to that hell. Especially when I'm trying to seal off my feelings. I felt too much back then, I might write some lyrics because of these feelings, but it's really not worth it. It's hard enough staying positive as it is; I have no extra money between rent and tuition, I'm eternally single, I'm not where I want to be in life, and it's winter, which historically and realistically is always a depressing time.
Maybe there's a reason I'm back into this introspective hell. They say to get to heaven, you first have to go through hell. I guess I'm on my way.