i need no distractions for this.. and on a sunday night i can finally achieve that.
so ive been wanting to update for a longgg time to just freakin vent but i waited till now cause i didnt want to say something i didnt mean because i was in a rage and have people read it and get all offended and take it the wrong way...
so i guess i thought i was A LOT stronger than i really am. i put on this like face i guess. and tell myself im totally ok about, everything in general when im totally not. i pretend like im not mad or upset when i know i am and i pretend like every things ok when its pretty much falling apart. i say sorry when i totally dont mean it and i forgive people when i shouldnt. i dont say things when i should and i give people too much power against me. its like, i set myself up for heartbreak and pain and yet i still try to tell myself and everyone else im ok. i give people my trust, my full and complete trust without questioning it when i KNOWWW i shouldnt and sometimes i dont listen to people when they tell me things. i dont take their advice when i pretty much know deep down inside i should. but its sooo much harder when your in the situation yourself than to be on the outside and tell someone to do something. like its always easier to say than do ya know. then all of a sudden i realize like WHAT in the world am i doing? and it allll comes back to me and i basically break down. and im a bitch to people i shouldnt be because they were there for me the wholeeee time. and im way sorry. i truely am sorry. thats not one of my fake sorrys i say to avoid conflict or a bad situation. im honestly trying to change that about myself. when im upset about something im going to start speaking out and telling people and not hold it in. i guess im like that though because i hate it when people feel sorry for me. its so much easier to tell them, hey im ok. dont worry. than to have them ask me all these questions about what happened and listen to them speak to me like im dieing and touch my shoulder while i talk and give me long "im so sorry" hugs. it brings back the bad memories when they do that. it makes life sooo much easier to say hey. im ALRIGHT. even when im not... i hate the drama and i hate it when people bring it up but i guess thats just part of people finding out. it cant be hidden forever right? but ya i totally admit i miss some things. i miss a lot of things. but in the end i guess im better off. well, thats what people seem to tell me anyways. but im more over it than a lot of people think. it might take time to fully understand why it happened but im over that it happened. and im over that its over. now, its just all these questions in my head and me being mad at myself i let it happen, and having it be in front of my face and not know what was going on. yea ok. but anyways on another note.
i basically hate the rain. i woke up saterday morning and saw the sky and said to myself its gonna rain. and its gonna be a horrible weekend. because i could tell just by the sky. and i was right. maybe i set myself up for it but it definitely was. im sorry to anyone i was a bitch to. i really really am. but the weekends over. its a brand new week and i can start alllll over.
"I want to get lost in my memories of summer. Of sitting on sidewalks and laughing at the world. Of swinging on swings and rolling in the grass. Let’s talk about hot weather and got lost in the longing for it. Let’s try and capture that moment where nothing mattered except that we were all friends. Let’s go back to lying in the park and acting way younger than we were. Go back to long car rides and dull walks and those longgg summer nights." i miss these times oh so much : /
ps. i love my best friend even though we get so frustrated at each other and run around fighting with slippers and hitting each other. but ya i do love herrrr <3 Because when everything else goes wrong, we can always rely on a girls night out consists of ice cream and French fries, carpooling through the drive through and long talks in the car way late at night. That’s what best friends are for <3
the end.
this week is going to be better. i can feeeel it now<3
I've come to realize I'm in one of those stages where I'm mad at the world and I'm daring it to push me off a cliff, just to see if I can fly. (because i know i can. but i dont think it does.)