What is wrong with me???
Since I was conscious enough to remember, I always wondered what was wrong with me? I was physically abused as a child, by family and peers. Traumatized, for reasons that have eluded me...but from the only conclusion that I can come up with; for the sheer enjoyment of the abusers. It resulted in my exile from an undefined normal upbringing, to another form trauma, in the guise of psychologists claiming they would help me, but instead imparted what I termed as psychological manslaughter, which left me socially broken beyond repair, and afraid of the world.
Yet in the end, I knew I was right! Maybe the psychologists were true that the abuse made me paranoid, but I never willingly brought it upon myself. Why would any child wish that upon themselves? And, if what happened to me, also happened to others, what brought the institution of anti-bullying laws? Stupid Psychologists!
Yet, the damage they have done is permanent. Where I used to ask "Why do you hate / dislike me?", I now ask "What is wrong with me?" Why am I encountering the social problems that I am? I, without the help of anyone, took the pieces of my shattered social attributes, and at least pieced together a somewhat usable life, including taking risks in trusting others, giving respect to gain it, and working on my interpersonal skills.
Yet, when it comes to dating, it seems like I am the most undesirable guy around. True, one friend (someone I dated and wanted to make something with), told me I was perfect the way I am. But I can only believe that being perfect is a flaw itself. I can not believe that I am too good to be true. I can only believe that something is truly wrong with me...something that is broadcasted to the world, but I can't look in the mirror and see for myself.
And due to the psychological manslaughter I endured in my youth, blaming the world seems far-fetched. When it comes down to me versus the world, anyone who would bet on me would be a fool...even if I was right and the world was wrong.
I am so lonely right now. Yesterday I was depressed and lonely. Today I am lonely, defeated, and questioning my future. I said I wanted to be a father, and have a family and I swore I would do it alone if I have to, in defiance of whatever social conventions that state I can not do it alone. Today, I feel empty, and my own goal to be a father; an empty promise to convince myself that it will happen.
And I ask again...what is wrong with me?
Yet in the end, I knew I was right! Maybe the psychologists were true that the abuse made me paranoid, but I never willingly brought it upon myself. Why would any child wish that upon themselves? And, if what happened to me, also happened to others, what brought the institution of anti-bullying laws? Stupid Psychologists!
Yet, the damage they have done is permanent. Where I used to ask "Why do you hate / dislike me?", I now ask "What is wrong with me?" Why am I encountering the social problems that I am? I, without the help of anyone, took the pieces of my shattered social attributes, and at least pieced together a somewhat usable life, including taking risks in trusting others, giving respect to gain it, and working on my interpersonal skills.
Yet, when it comes to dating, it seems like I am the most undesirable guy around. True, one friend (someone I dated and wanted to make something with), told me I was perfect the way I am. But I can only believe that being perfect is a flaw itself. I can not believe that I am too good to be true. I can only believe that something is truly wrong with me...something that is broadcasted to the world, but I can't look in the mirror and see for myself.
And due to the psychological manslaughter I endured in my youth, blaming the world seems far-fetched. When it comes down to me versus the world, anyone who would bet on me would be a fool...even if I was right and the world was wrong.
I am so lonely right now. Yesterday I was depressed and lonely. Today I am lonely, defeated, and questioning my future. I said I wanted to be a father, and have a family and I swore I would do it alone if I have to, in defiance of whatever social conventions that state I can not do it alone. Today, I feel empty, and my own goal to be a father; an empty promise to convince myself that it will happen.
And I ask again...what is wrong with me?