(no subject)
i am crying so hard i can hardly see the screen to type.
and it's not because of anything that's happened.
it's not because of anything anyone has done.
it's because of me. all of it.
it's because i can't let go of all the hurt from the past. i don't want to make new friends, because i know what friends can do. i know what hurt can make me do. and i don't want it anymore.
i just want to be happy. i want to be able to be in this apartment alone and be okay. i'm tired of feeling sick every time someone talks about their mother...tired of thinking about her all the time and how i'll never get a chance to make it right. and all this time i thought i really was okay. but i'm not. i'm not okay. i'm a fucking wreck.
and no. i don't see the point in new friendships and relationships...because to me, odds are they'll all end sooner or later. i'm scared of all of it. scared to win as much as i'm scared to lose. i'm scared to death to be happy. i feel like if i let myself be okay, be really happy, then it'll all just get taken away.
and i hate myself for feeling this way.
and i hate him for not being here right now.
i hate her for doing what she did.
i hate my dad for everything he's done.
"i know you never meant to do
everything you put me through
it's okay
i forgive you
just know that when you see me cringe sometimes
i'm trying to rid the poison from my mind"
and it's not because of anything that's happened.
it's not because of anything anyone has done.
it's because of me. all of it.
it's because i can't let go of all the hurt from the past. i don't want to make new friends, because i know what friends can do. i know what hurt can make me do. and i don't want it anymore.
i just want to be happy. i want to be able to be in this apartment alone and be okay. i'm tired of feeling sick every time someone talks about their mother...tired of thinking about her all the time and how i'll never get a chance to make it right. and all this time i thought i really was okay. but i'm not. i'm not okay. i'm a fucking wreck.
and no. i don't see the point in new friendships and relationships...because to me, odds are they'll all end sooner or later. i'm scared of all of it. scared to win as much as i'm scared to lose. i'm scared to death to be happy. i feel like if i let myself be okay, be really happy, then it'll all just get taken away.
and i hate myself for feeling this way.
and i hate him for not being here right now.
i hate her for doing what she did.
i hate my dad for everything he's done.
"i know you never meant to do
everything you put me through
it's okay
i forgive you
just know that when you see me cringe sometimes
i'm trying to rid the poison from my mind"