Newbie Confusbie
Hi All,
My name's Megan (online I prefer to be Lord Beardsley ;) and I'm 30. I don't think I've really ever known quite what to make of myself. When I was a little girl I was pretty girly, but also into boy stuff too. As I got older (9-10) I started really wanting to be a boy. I wanted to be called by a boy's name and fantisized about being one. When I got my period, it was one of the worst traumas ever. I never felt comfortable being a girl, but sometimes still liked dressing girly (which I really can't anymore because when I dress super girly, I feel like Gene Hackman in drag). I don't go out of my way to try to look like a boy (because it is frustratingly impossible as I really look like a girl). I have just normal medium length hair and always wear jeans and t shirts. I don't bind (because it makes me hot), but sometimes have thought about it.
Here's the weird part. So, I am in a lesbian relationship and am really attracted to girls. However, I'm also really attracted to boys, specifically gay boys. In fact, I feel like I AM a gay boy. As early as I can remember first knowing what being gay was, I truly felt I was a gay boy. All my fantasies revolve around being a gay boy and I have spent a long time feeling depressed about not being a gay boy. It's actually a huge problem for me. I don't understand it, and it won't ever go away. It's been like this since I was a young teen (at least).
I don't want to go through transitioning, I have a number of issues with that and am not willing to go through that whatsoever...but what's really hard is living as something that I'm not. I've wrestled with this for years and years. All through my teens and 20s. For a good portion of time I would nearly cry every day about it, consider suicide, that kind of thing. I'm past feeling that way now (yey anti-depressants), but these feelings don't go away. In my mind, I just waffle back and forth thinking "oh, it doesn't matter what my body happens to be. i'm me, i'm gender queer and i happen to biologically be a girl" but another half of me so desperately wants to be a gay male and live as one. It's really hard.
I was hoping I could maybe get some feedback, if any of you feel like it...well that would be greatly appreciated.
Confusedly Yours,
Lord Beardsley
My name's Megan (online I prefer to be Lord Beardsley ;) and I'm 30. I don't think I've really ever known quite what to make of myself. When I was a little girl I was pretty girly, but also into boy stuff too. As I got older (9-10) I started really wanting to be a boy. I wanted to be called by a boy's name and fantisized about being one. When I got my period, it was one of the worst traumas ever. I never felt comfortable being a girl, but sometimes still liked dressing girly (which I really can't anymore because when I dress super girly, I feel like Gene Hackman in drag). I don't go out of my way to try to look like a boy (because it is frustratingly impossible as I really look like a girl). I have just normal medium length hair and always wear jeans and t shirts. I don't bind (because it makes me hot), but sometimes have thought about it.
Here's the weird part. So, I am in a lesbian relationship and am really attracted to girls. However, I'm also really attracted to boys, specifically gay boys. In fact, I feel like I AM a gay boy. As early as I can remember first knowing what being gay was, I truly felt I was a gay boy. All my fantasies revolve around being a gay boy and I have spent a long time feeling depressed about not being a gay boy. It's actually a huge problem for me. I don't understand it, and it won't ever go away. It's been like this since I was a young teen (at least).
I don't want to go through transitioning, I have a number of issues with that and am not willing to go through that whatsoever...but what's really hard is living as something that I'm not. I've wrestled with this for years and years. All through my teens and 20s. For a good portion of time I would nearly cry every day about it, consider suicide, that kind of thing. I'm past feeling that way now (yey anti-depressants), but these feelings don't go away. In my mind, I just waffle back and forth thinking "oh, it doesn't matter what my body happens to be. i'm me, i'm gender queer and i happen to biologically be a girl" but another half of me so desperately wants to be a gay male and live as one. It's really hard.
I was hoping I could maybe get some feedback, if any of you feel like it...well that would be greatly appreciated.
Confusedly Yours,
Lord Beardsley