(no subject)
After reading nardasarmy’s excellent post on blogging safely, I started thinking about how this applies to fandom. I’m sure we’ve all had that experience: you’re involved in what you think is a happy discussion about some fandom inanity, and then you realize that somewhere between “why I think Harry isn’t a horcux” and the finer points of Snape’s sadism you’ve wandered into the fandom twilight zone. Suddenly whether Harry actually should be with Hermione, Ginny or Snape isn’t just light-hearted conjecture, it’s a personal attack on some random person’s way of life.
And you’re wondering; “Hello, who invited crazy to dinner?”
Personally I’ve met what I would characterize as some damned crazy people online. People whose self identity is so deeply entrenched with their online persona that they cannot seem to separate what is written, from who they are. Online relationships being what they are I ignored warning signs and behaviors that I certainly would have heeded in real life:
Unfortunately some of the people you will meet online have created a large internet presence because they have a lot of time and lack the ability to relate in real life. That was a kind way of stating it, but for such people blogs may well be the only area they’re able to relate successfully, where they experience the admiration of others and where they have “peers”. Any threat to that is a threat to their ability to feel normal.
In my real life, *any* of those behaviors would make me avoid the person. Online however, I had a false sense of security. I discounted those warning signs because I thought it didn’t count because it isn’t real, and worse, I engaged these people by snarking at them because it was “just online”.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I forgot the first rule of stalkers: don’t engage the crazy. Don’t give them anything to twist into their delusions and maintain the connection to you. I forgot that behind all that online venom was an actual person with real problems. Really big problems if their journals are anything to go by, and it seemed to be at a “safe” distance until they snapped.
And then I realized that I was the person who invited crazy to dinner. Damn it.
It’s worse in fandom when they’re in all the same communities and have friends in common. I had this problem a few years ago in LotR: a very crazy, very disturbed woman happened to have the same OTP as me. Every so often she’d get a bee in her bonnet and attack someone. There's at least one in every fandom, and unless you are very lucky, very quiet, or paying someone off, inevitably they will notice you. So now you have a problem: How do you stay in fandom, enjoy your OTP and get crazy to stop obsessing / leave you alone without landing in the middle of some vicious wankstorm they seem thrive on?
No bullshit answer: you probably can’t.
People like this have far too much invested in this dynamic. They are the brilliant unique snowflake that has found a place to shine! shine! shine! and you are the evil force that is ruining everything. You are a threat. No matter how you try and break away from crazy they will probably react badly. They will feel rejected - worse *peer* rejection from the very community that they depend on for their self esteem - and lash out. They may accuse you of being “deceptive” and reinventing yourself. They may engage in lengthy locked diatribes against you and whisper falsehoods to your friends. They may threaten you, disclose whatever personal information you thought was safe to post, or even take their harassment offline. They may call your work, your home, your family and try and create trouble for you.
Here are some strategies I’ve engaged in for dealing with crazy in fandom:
Grow a thick skin
You cannot control how other people react - and you have no idea what’s going on with them. They may be having a bad day. Their dog may have died, wife left them and stole their T.V. on her way out. They may just be batshit crazy shut-ins who live and die by the Intarweb. Criticism comes with blogging - but when it goes over the line, ask yourself what kind of person would behave this way. If the mental image you get is a 300lb, toothless shut-in sitting in front of her computer eating cheetos in her underwear - ask yourself why are you taking *anything* this person says into your life?
Disengage
Remove yourself from conversations, the communities, the groups and never respond to comments. Ignore them. This sort of works, but often Crazy refuses to be ignored. If they can’t get a reaction from you directly they may try and hurt you other ways: grudge wanks, whisper campaigns, that sort of thing, which gets tiresome (see warning sign #4) for you long before they run out of venom. Eventually though, the fact that someone *still* needs to complain about you two years later becomes pretty damned funny.
Confront
This is what I ended up doing with Crazy Elf Lady. She was in one of her cycles (harass & bitch, followed by “why are people mean to meeee?!” and then prolific creation of fanfic / asskissing. Lather, rinse, repeat) and I answered her question. Enter mega-drama, her husband demanding I leave his wife alone (by screening the argument and not answering her comments in *my* journal), and much wank to be had by all. In the end Crazy disappeared from fandom - but then, so did I. The whole incident made the pairing less fun to me and I lost something I enjoyed. On the plus side I found Smallville, so all was right in the world ;-)
Snipe
Bad, bad idea. Remember rule number one? Sniping will only feed crazy. Sometimes you see Crazy doing something so nasty that before your better sense reigns you in you’ve made a rather nasty personal comment about them. Don’t do it. I know, believe me: it’s so tempting to say something cruel, particularly since you probably know *way* to much about this person - enough to snipe about their true problems. Again don’t. You’ve just added another year that you will be on Crazy’s radar. Fer real, yo.
Get Along
So you smile and live with them, stay polite and bland and never ever rise to the bait. The problem with this is that you can never how that innocuous comment you made is going to be translated into crazy by the bablefish. Which means you can be traipsing blithely along, secure in the knowledge that crazy is out of your life and the WHAM! You’re blindsided by a whole bucket of nasty because of Crazy’s cockamamie interpretation of your blog.
And next time, when you meet someone exhibiting those warning signs? Run like hell.
And you’re wondering; “Hello, who invited crazy to dinner?”
Personally I’ve met what I would characterize as some damned crazy people online. People whose self identity is so deeply entrenched with their online persona that they cannot seem to separate what is written, from who they are. Online relationships being what they are I ignored warning signs and behaviors that I certainly would have heeded in real life:
- casual attitudes towards threats; like writing that they’d like to kill or physically harm another person
- disturbing personal details and attention motivated over-sharing; personally I’ll tell crazy/gross stories from clubland, which some may consider TMI, but it isn’t about me. When people start telling me details of their romantic lives that would have Jerry Springer producers salivating, I have to wonder: *Why* they are sharing these things?
- bullying and gang mentality; you know the sign: one person disagrees with someone from a particular clique and within minutes there’s 10 replies from their friends attacking/arguing/sniping - a straight block of replies from people who lack the manners to allow the two people arguing to just finish their argument. Compare it to real life, if you got into a fight with someone, and then ten of his pals showed up and joined the fray would you consider that a fair fight?
- obsessive interest in people they dislike; maintaining a vendetta and continuing to taunt, tease or harass years later.
- Self aggrandizing behavior: like retelling nasty stories about complete strangers that aren’t amusing, interesting or anything other than a sad attempt to make the teller look better or repeatedly refering to some sad internet claim to fame: I created the wank laws! I created the wank laws!
- spending an excessive amount of time controlling or “spinning” online discussion that relates to them, their communities or their OTP
- seemingly obsessed with online status or popularity.
Unfortunately some of the people you will meet online have created a large internet presence because they have a lot of time and lack the ability to relate in real life. That was a kind way of stating it, but for such people blogs may well be the only area they’re able to relate successfully, where they experience the admiration of others and where they have “peers”. Any threat to that is a threat to their ability to feel normal.
In my real life, *any* of those behaviors would make me avoid the person. Online however, I had a false sense of security. I discounted those warning signs because I thought it didn’t count because it isn’t real, and worse, I engaged these people by snarking at them because it was “just online”.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I forgot the first rule of stalkers: don’t engage the crazy. Don’t give them anything to twist into their delusions and maintain the connection to you. I forgot that behind all that online venom was an actual person with real problems. Really big problems if their journals are anything to go by, and it seemed to be at a “safe” distance until they snapped.
And then I realized that I was the person who invited crazy to dinner. Damn it.
It’s worse in fandom when they’re in all the same communities and have friends in common. I had this problem a few years ago in LotR: a very crazy, very disturbed woman happened to have the same OTP as me. Every so often she’d get a bee in her bonnet and attack someone. There's at least one in every fandom, and unless you are very lucky, very quiet, or paying someone off, inevitably they will notice you. So now you have a problem: How do you stay in fandom, enjoy your OTP and get crazy to stop obsessing / leave you alone without landing in the middle of some vicious wankstorm they seem thrive on?
No bullshit answer: you probably can’t.
People like this have far too much invested in this dynamic. They are the brilliant unique snowflake that has found a place to shine! shine! shine! and you are the evil force that is ruining everything. You are a threat. No matter how you try and break away from crazy they will probably react badly. They will feel rejected - worse *peer* rejection from the very community that they depend on for their self esteem - and lash out. They may accuse you of being “deceptive” and reinventing yourself. They may engage in lengthy locked diatribes against you and whisper falsehoods to your friends. They may threaten you, disclose whatever personal information you thought was safe to post, or even take their harassment offline. They may call your work, your home, your family and try and create trouble for you.
Here are some strategies I’ve engaged in for dealing with crazy in fandom:
Grow a thick skin
You cannot control how other people react - and you have no idea what’s going on with them. They may be having a bad day. Their dog may have died, wife left them and stole their T.V. on her way out. They may just be batshit crazy shut-ins who live and die by the Intarweb. Criticism comes with blogging - but when it goes over the line, ask yourself what kind of person would behave this way. If the mental image you get is a 300lb, toothless shut-in sitting in front of her computer eating cheetos in her underwear - ask yourself why are you taking *anything* this person says into your life?
Disengage
Remove yourself from conversations, the communities, the groups and never respond to comments. Ignore them. This sort of works, but often Crazy refuses to be ignored. If they can’t get a reaction from you directly they may try and hurt you other ways: grudge wanks, whisper campaigns, that sort of thing, which gets tiresome (see warning sign #4) for you long before they run out of venom. Eventually though, the fact that someone *still* needs to complain about you two years later becomes pretty damned funny.
Confront
This is what I ended up doing with Crazy Elf Lady. She was in one of her cycles (harass & bitch, followed by “why are people mean to meeee?!” and then prolific creation of fanfic / asskissing. Lather, rinse, repeat) and I answered her question. Enter mega-drama, her husband demanding I leave his wife alone (by screening the argument and not answering her comments in *my* journal), and much wank to be had by all. In the end Crazy disappeared from fandom - but then, so did I. The whole incident made the pairing less fun to me and I lost something I enjoyed. On the plus side I found Smallville, so all was right in the world ;-)
Snipe
Bad, bad idea. Remember rule number one? Sniping will only feed crazy. Sometimes you see Crazy doing something so nasty that before your better sense reigns you in you’ve made a rather nasty personal comment about them. Don’t do it. I know, believe me: it’s so tempting to say something cruel, particularly since you probably know *way* to much about this person - enough to snipe about their true problems. Again don’t. You’ve just added another year that you will be on Crazy’s radar. Fer real, yo.
Get Along
So you smile and live with them, stay polite and bland and never ever rise to the bait. The problem with this is that you can never how that innocuous comment you made is going to be translated into crazy by the bablefish. Which means you can be traipsing blithely along, secure in the knowledge that crazy is out of your life and the WHAM! You’re blindsided by a whole bucket of nasty because of Crazy’s cockamamie interpretation of your blog.
And next time, when you meet someone exhibiting those warning signs? Run like hell.